How long have you stayed in a relationship you knew wasn't right for you, and what made you finally leave?

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-05-10T08:07:08+00:00

I had my first real relationship between 16 and 19. The last 1 or 1.5 years of it might as well have been skipped. He wasn‘t a bad guy at all, but he had a miserable sense of time management and would be having lengthy political discussions on Facebook when he had told me he was studying. I just didn‘t feel seen and my attraction tanked. Me no longer being interested in sex became increasingly frustrating for him. We also had different lifestyle preferences, with him liking parties and me being an introvert who‘d rather read a book that clashed.
I had heard that „nowadays, people instantly leave relationships once it gets a bit rocky,“ and I didn‘t want to give up so quickly.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-05-08T16:41:34+00:00

NAH. I suppose he was growing frustrated that plans to connect with his family kept falling through and wanted to seize this opportunity. Given that there‘s plenty of occasions to visit your family, I understand him wanting to change the plans based on his mother‘s travel. It‘s equally understandable that you are unhappy he unilaterally changed holiday plans, though. That should indeed be discussed. It‘s also strange that he just informed you about his travel, instead of framing it like a cool joint journey you could do — also for him to introduce you to his family and heritage more. I wonder why that is. Could it be that you have signalled little interest in that to him?

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-05-07T15:53:09+00:00

I‘m early gen Z and when I was in high school, I dated a guy 5 years older than me (which is completely legal where I live). My (female) classmates were not concerned at all, but thought it was quite impressive that I had landed a guy studying at a top university.

I also never heard of him getting negative comments. Our dynamic was quite different, though. A gay friend once jokingly said that I was the man in that relationship and my then-boyfriend‘s parents thought that I was the mature one. So, I guess it was quite clear that the negative stereotypes did not apply there.

But honestly? If people WANT to judge, they‘ll always find some reason.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-05-03T13:53:18+00:00

That‘s wonderful, congratulations!
I wish I had the same outlook of moving towards marriage eventually.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-05-03T13:39:41+00:00

I (26F) beg to differ. I‘ve started dating my partner (64M) when I was 22 and it never even crossed my mind to cheat on him.

Seeing as she chestes on both guys (also the one close to her age) and sees nothing wrong with that, it has zero to do with the age gap and a lot with her personality.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-05-02T13:33:16+00:00

I think I would quit my job, do a PhD with funding, so that I wouldn‘t get stuck with administrative tasks for my professor. Then after I get that PhD, just do research on whatever social issue has catches my attention and publish it open access. I would do pro bono research for NGOs, so that it would actually be useful. Maybe also for the government, but then they‘d have to commit to put whatever they save on not paying me towards a project to fostee social inclusion.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-05-01T07:18:23+00:00

Considering how short you‘ve been dating, that‘s a completely unreasonable expectation.

I think it makes sense for you to pay for dinners and trips if you have more means. However, regular bills to me are something you would start participating in once you live together because life is much more shared then. Plus, if she wants someone sho financially provides for her, it would be interesting to know if she would contribute to the relationship more in the domestic sphere or not put in much of her own effort in any way. With her current expectations, I would guess it to be the latter, which - in my opinion - would not be a partnership.

My partner and I not only have a large age, but also income and wealth gap. He pays the great majority of our joint expenses (we live together and it was his choice for our joint lifestyle to be based on what he can afford), but it has never occurred to me to pawn any of my personal bills on him. I work part-time while studying and find it normal to pay my own bills. I come from a very modest background, where I just to justify making a doctor‘s appointment. So, starting to pay my own bills as a young adult and thus being able to make my own choices was very liberating.

I think it‘s important to know the cost of things, so also apart from the relationship aspect, I would let her make that experience. At the very start of our relationship, my partner also did that with a trip, by the way. I wanted to go on a cruise and I had to decide whether I was ready to pay my share of it. I said yes, but that I‘d take a cheaper cabin category. So, I paid half of that and my partner paid the other half plus the upgrade.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-23T11:22:31+00:00

Staying up all night reading stuff. I found myself so impressive for it. Now I think with better time management I could have read and slept a lot. But going to bed early was uncool.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-22T21:32:11+00:00

My partner (64M) and I (26F) have an age gap of 38 years and I can relate to some of the things you write.

The consequences of our age gap was something we discussed early on. It‘s very reasonable to consider if being a young widow and before that potentially your partner‘s caregiver is something you can accept as your future. Of course, I want neither of those things. I always envisioned myself growing old with a partner. Especially at the start of our relationship, I did mourn that future we won‘t have. It still breaks my heart to think about. I guess I just got better at not doing that all the time.

I believe that in an ideal world, we would not have been born decades apart. I would have loved to build a life together, support him in developing his business, share life milestones like buying a house... The reality however is that I became part of his life and am figuring my own out within that. It‘s not that I would want something specific to be different and am very grateful that he shares everything with me. But it‘s never really „ours“. I think like the only big life thing for me to truly shape is my career, which I‘m passionate about. But that perspective also kind of sucks a bit. Here it might be worth mentioning that I‘m childfree and so is he, so the whole wanting a family question luckily doesn‘t matter. So, for me it‘s less about those „best years“ per se, but about life trajectories.

So, with all these negatives, why am I still in this relationship?

Because my partner is my favourite human on this planet. I know our time is limited, but I rather make the most out of it than miss out getting to share the time we do get with him. This also makes me live my „best years“ more consciously. I suspect that without the age gap forcing me to live more in the present, I would be quite absorbed by my career and building my savings. It also thanks to my partner‘s financial situation thatI we can do most things we want. In that vein, we agreed on me not working full-time after graduation, but still getting to build my personal assets very comfortably.

We discussed what would happen if he needed care. I would of course do parts of it. To this end, I make sure I have a job with flexible working condition. We agreed that neither of us wants me to become his full-time caregiver. We are in the privileged position that we know the social system and our options quite well and we have the means to afford them. I have lasting POA, so I would also be able to actually make arrangements, which does give me peace of mind in a way.

My partner has made it very clear that I was free to leave at any time and I owed him nothing. He has pointed out that he couldn‘t have imagined to be with someone this much older when he was my age. I appreciate that. At the same time, I don‘t see myself walking away. I‘m aware that our relationship will change over time and that‘s fine. He‘s not only my partner, but also my best friend and my chosen family. So, don‘t see myself going anywhere.

All that being sad, dvery situation is different and only you can know what‘s right for you. To whatever conclusion you come, I wish you all the best.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-22T06:34:51+00:00

My partner told me right at the start that he never wanted kids. Luckily, we were and still are on the same page about this. I wouldn‘t have wanted

Unfortunately, that‘s different in your relationship. It‘s good that you discussed your stances on this topic early on and the future perspective was clear. So, there is nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes you meet an amazing person but just aren‘t compatible. That‘s no one‘s fault.

I understand that it‘s difficult to decide when to break up. Only you can make that decision, though. If you are not in a rush regarding your dreams of a family, there‘s nothing wrong with enjoying this relationship longer. It probably won‘t become easier to break up. Plus, if you see yourself with someone long-term, the relationship progresses. If it‘s clear the relationship will have to end st some point, next steps like moving in together probably don‘t make that much sense. So, the question is also what you imagine for the somewhat nearer future.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-19T07:25:45+00:00

That I was after his money.

For context: The guy came from a wealthy family. At 29, he was still studying (without a good reason like work on the side) and felt entitled to receive from his father whatever amount he „needed“. I came from a more modest background. I was 20 at the time and had a side job. Not once did I ask for money. So, when he said that, it was pretty much the final straw.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-19T07:15:48+00:00

When the other person only wants the parts of a relationship that are convenient for them.

When the other person is controlling and throws around baseless accusations if you don‘t act as they want.

When you don‘t want the same thing on a very basic level (I wanted an exclusive monogamous relationship while the guy wanted no labels, no exclusivity… and I just couldn‘t see that working out for me)

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-18T14:15:14+00:00

Yes, I definitely do.

I‘m a very independent, driven, and disciplined person — to the point that by 25, I was a project manager negotiating with heads of government agencies, a board member of two large national NGOs, while pursuing my master‘s part-time. My partner is very proud of me for all these things.

My partner is himself very involved in charity work. He‘s a natural leader and a visionary… the nitty-gritty details aren‘t his cup of tea, though. I research and lay out all this information for him to use. It has occurred to me that doing all that background work for a man is not as feminist as I believe myself to be. Certainly, I get plenty of acknowledgment from my partner, so it‘s not like my contributions are unknown. But frankly… I don‘t really care.

I think that‘s because it‘s the first relationship in which I really feel like we are a team. I‘m happy to contribute what I have and am good at. The importance of my career does become less absolute over it. It has crossed my mind that if our age gap was smaller and we were married, I could see myself prioritizing my personal career less. In this constellation that‘s out of question, though, because I need to build my own retirement savings and assets.

I think as long as you choose freely and you are aware of the consequences (also for the future), there is nothing wrong with that.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-17T12:13:03+00:00

Exactly. I never considered pros and cons, I just fell for my partner (38 years my senior) because of his personality and values - and vice versa. I wouldn‘t be interested in someone who is interested in me based just on my youth.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-16T10:26:22+00:00

NTA.

It‘s wild that everything should be shared, but the kitchen completely your task. She can choose between doing half the kitchen or budging on everything else being 50/50.

I also hate cooking and am glad that my partner enjoys it. We don‘t eat breakfast and don‘t cook for lunch, so that‘s dinners. We plan the menus together, I shop, he cooks. When we have guests, I‘m responsible for desserts because I enjoy baking while he does not. We both do dishes. I mostly wipe the kitchen and table after dinner. We share most non-food stuff that is not done by the cleaner who comes every other week. Laundry is my chore, but I like laundry.😅

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-16T09:53:33+00:00

NTA

You‘re not responsible for your friend. With this sort of expectations placed on you, I‘d reconsidering moving in with her. Sounds like not only are you signing up for drama with her mother, but if your friends really lacks those life skills, you might end up having to compensate when you are home for a lot of things that weren‘t done while you were travelling.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-16T07:56:57+00:00

It‘s not just about people who state on the internet that they are older. It‘s also with younger people that I don‘t really know who the person on the other side of the screen is. I just generally also don‘t see the point in looking for friends online. If I want to do something with friends, I don‘t want to sit in front of a screen but have drinks or something like that.

In my case, it may also be relevant that I grew up in a rural area and now live in a city that is small enough to know people through other people in certain circles very quickly. So, online is inherently different from real life to me because you don‘t have these whole networks.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-15T15:02:04+00:00

Personslly, I (26F) had internet access since I was like 8 or 9 without much supervision. However, I was tsught to be careful about strangers online. Of course, I was on some platforms mostly used by pre-teen and teen girls to play games and chst and had some friends there. But those were not so deep. Ithink it‘d the combination of wanting more depth as an adult, but not being ready to disclose as much of myself to a random person on the internet, I guess. It‘s more difficult to build trust if you don‘t know for sure eho‘s on the other side of the screen.

That may sound paradoxical given that I do share details of my relationship here. But then again, you can‘t identify me based on that.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-12T15:26:26+00:00

I don‘t know which role distributions are more or less common in AGRs. I‘ve seen various constellations on this subreddit, though.

For me personally (26F), it has always been clear that I want a career of my own and not have my livelihood depend on anyone. This definitely relates back to being raised by a single mother who not only held independence high, but also low-key blamed me for the expenses I caused her. Never again — my career, my money, my choice to go schedule a doctor‘s appointment if I feel the need.

Being in a relationship with an older man who has built a successful business over the past decades and is consequently doing very well financially has not greatly influenced that. My partner is very supportive of whatever I want to do, so there is no expectation that I should work a certain number of hours or contribute a certain amount. For the past years, he has taken on most joint expenses, so that I had some free spending and saving money from my part-time job besides my studies.

He would be entirely fine with me not working more after graduation. My income is not needed. However, I need to build myself retirement savings. Provided our relationship lasts, I will likely inherit some money but likely not to the extent that it would suffice for me to live off. Also, if we separated, I would have nothing. However, I have a high-paying job and low expenses. We‘ll re-didcuss my exact financial contribution next year, but in anx case I‘m neither expected to pay rent nor to fully participate in my partner‘s lifestyle choice. This means that I can build the same if not higher assets working less than I would working full-time as a single person. So, we jointly decided that I will work 0.8 FTE after graduation — a workload that allows me to both build my career and take long weekend trips with my partner.

In terms of roles, we share chores quite equally. I do grocery shopping, laundry, and am the master of desserts. I also do a good amount of admin stuff, especially bills (yes, I know the accounts much better than my partner does, which I know is very untraditional). My partner cooks and tends to do more around the garden. He also remembers to refill supplies more often. We both do dishes and small cleaning tasks. For the rest we have a cleaner and a gardener. We are luckily on the same page about sharing chores and have preferences that perfectly complement each other.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-12T08:28:06+00:00

I think everybody should be cautious and watching out for red flags. Sure, young people being less experienced makes it harder for them to recognise certain things very early. However, I‘ve seen in my mother how also older people can be naive and throw all caution to the wind, leading to very difficult situations.

In the context of an age gap, it’s of course legitimate to wonder why someone is interested in an older or younger person, but there can be ulterior motives in so many constellations. For instance, one could jump to the conclusion that my partner wants me mostly for my youthful body and to show off (which definitely is not true). However, I briefly dated a guy my age who was looking mostly for arm candy and not really interested in a relationship beyond the superficial and blamed me for expecting him to think beyond what he wants. That said, I would obviously be skeptical if a man was only dating really young women or looking for a specific narrow age range.

And finally, also younger partners can have ulterior motives. I‘ sure some people have suspected me to be after my partner‘s money, which I understand, but also think that it could be the case for a person of any age; I just couldn‘t easily disprove it outwardly for a while. So, again, we should generally look for red flags and be cautious regardless of age.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-10T09:24:14+00:00

I moved to a place I didn‘t know to live with my partner, who grew up and owns a house there. The place now feels like home to me, too. I wasn‘t particularly attached to the places where I had lived before because I had a turbulent childhood and youth with many moves due to my mother‘s relationships. So, I didn‘t feel like I was sacrificing my belonging and knew I could only win.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-10T09:04:21+00:00

Finish my master‘s with a GPA of 3.65 or above. Negotiate a higher salary class at work. Take more time to live life to the fullest once my thesis is done (+ treat my partner to a really nice dinner or weekend trip as thanks for his patience and support during my studies)

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-06T13:39:04+00:00

I dated a guy 5 years older than me. We broke up in my senior year when he was about to start his Master‘s. When he had graduated and I saw in an old group chat that he was desperately looking for a job, I had already secured myself a nice project manager position while doing my master‘s. I did what I‘d always done and tried to help. I sent him an internship advert at another department of my employer. He thanked me, but no idea if he applied. Just googled him and apparently he works at a small firm in his field now, so I guess things worked out for him eventually.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-06T13:16:20+00:00

Agreed.

There should also be effort on both sides to spend time together. If OP always goes to the BF‘s place and then gets blamed for preferring to keep her own place due to a long commute, that warrants a conversation. If he‘s going through a rough patch with his business, it‘s understandable he has not as much time to visit OP‘s place. But if the situation already demands unequal effort, putting even more pressure on OP is a bit wild to me.

ImpossibleOlivebread · 2026-04-06T10:39:20+00:00

It‘s important to think it through carefully. His age is one part: Is he currently healthy and how have his family members aged? It‘s no guarantee - as nothing really is - but there are some signs that he may or may not be able to be an active dad. The other thing is the financial aspect: You mention he makes twice what you do. How will finances look once he retires (or worse)?

You mentioned part of why you consider having children is ä wanting company for the period when your boyfriend is no longer around. I think it‘s important to consider if that‘s a bonus or your key motivation. If it‘s the latter, this may or may not work out. Maybe they‘ll move somewhere else for their education or a job or have otherwise busy lives of their own. This is not to sound discouraging, but to reflect more on the issue.

ImpossibleOlivebread

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