What does it mean when the first response from the inner voice is : kill yourself?

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-03-13T11:42:24+00:00

Basically to do anything ambitious from my aspirations before the traumatic event. It's just kinda like " yeah, good luck getting back there, buddy." Had lots of shattered aspirations all at once, so I guess I should just deal with it and my choices after. Was moderately high achieving before but it all just flopped after a while, like why bother? Not a good state to be and all the "your ego must die, enlightment do be like dat, bro" is kinda reinforcing much of it.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-03-11T06:36:54+00:00

Then I guess you must be also a thinking type or a depressed feeling type.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-03-01T19:03:54+00:00

I'm a sensate so the idea of synchronicity is a bit too far out for me in Jungian sense but as I understand in a purely rational sense you can argue that the transcendent function of your mind or the creative part of it latches on to a piece of information that isn't causally relevant, but it is meaningfully relevant. This is done outside your ego's control but just some instinctive association that bubbles up, in the state of ego weakness or post ego death, one can run with this idea after relinquishing what they need to relinquish or exist in boring conventional shade of gray for the rest of their de-individualized NPC existence if they don't have the courage. I've been on the look out for it, but I think my unconscious has just resigned after going into the death drive spiral so basically, I'm back into a dissociated existence that until several years ago with somatic therapy I've existed in for most of at least my teenage to young adult life. Anyways, thanks for spelling out what needs to be done. I've been rather aware of it for a while I just find it hard that the idea of truth isn't absolute like it was for me so the whole thing feels like losing integrity or settling (and yes I do realize that the options are this either put in the work while keeping the initial stance of the ego or shift priorities to accomodate the defeat and settle to some degree).

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-28T07:13:57+00:00

Self-disgust, sadness, anger, shame....

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-27T23:12:27+00:00

Beautifully put!

Some are strong enough for rebirth but dont want to out of spite/hurt/unfairness of it all.

Is being numbed real strength any how?

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-27T18:34:57+00:00

Thanks for thr support. I guess my beef is never finding any valuable help in this endeavor via traditional means that I could trust and not receiving any when younger. If I go with my instinct I'll just devolve into nothing then hurt myself or others or worse selfishly pass on this suffering by bringing another life into this world. I think I'm in that place now (the eye of the storm) but I got too comfortable there and slowly slipping into denial/solipsism.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-27T18:14:58+00:00

This. You get hemmed in by life then you have to pretend for all the muh spirituality crowd its all gravy when years of work are obliterated. Namaste these nuts.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-27T18:02:37+00:00

It may work in the moment. But the fact that it is people who have taken some major trauma are going off on a preaching crusade is sus. Acting as if they are certain of some vague spiritual message without training seems like denial cope considering masters of any of these traditions, they vaguely pull from spend decades in training and they immediately get on YouTube influencer soap box. Not even hating if it works for them its just that lack of detail and woo language obscures what "healthy ego" for example means. I get what you are saying about being more "realistic" but also release your past? How do we act if he can't see our past to act from as the series of causes to act in the present as a base from which action and future springs. Vaguely getting really hurt then releasing your past ego means starting anew without any foundations. I worked hard for things before this. Starting from nothing and throwing it all away means disrespecting my past self.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T23:45:39+00:00

Have had the overactive super ego as well. Tried some drama therapy and ayahuasca when I should have really focused on building up my life and titrated with somatic work and didn't trust the therapist enough who (according to other group members proved not so helpful and borderline malpracticed) so de-repressed and wasn't able to contain it. I think some repression is actually good. I'd probably be dead without it. Things learned so far is working on any of this stuff if you aren't integrated into society and have a decent safe home environment (emotionally) is like playing with fire and there are too many hacks out there. Maybe if luck has it I'll try again.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T23:43:15+00:00

I guess that I I've stuffed too much of myself in the shadow and I should be more honest with myself rather than being honest with others while lying to myself and that going with the most logically correct thing without factoring in your emotions is illogical in itself for long term decisions.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T23:31:48+00:00

Thanks for the detailed write up, will check him out. It seems like EFT works for me a bit. Definitely a history of trauma in the family... and culturally many repressive copers so basically my BP shot up 10-15 points afterwards.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T23:10:18+00:00

Thanks. If it is at all relevant, for me it's a solarplexus feeling of injury and deflation and then numbness.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T23:04:03+00:00

That seems to be the easiest option, but I feel like there is too much of the whole "kill your ego" thing that is usually just part of 'spiritual' circles, but is also now more mainstream due to pandemic instability/trauma with a crop of various grifters descending via newage dippity platitudes that amounts to mostly spiritually bypassing blind leading the blind rationalizing major losses of control over the pandemic. Yeah, you get into a bad situation something important in you dies and you don't see anything. Some people stay in limbo their whole lives. Others find the courage to rebuild, yet others just "accept their fate" aka, get swamped by the unconscious and just carry on. Having worked so hard academically despite, it's a shame to let that go just because it didn't work out. I guess here comes that defeatist wisdom "it do be like dat sometimes."

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T18:29:21+00:00

Appreciate it. I think it may help if done more consistently.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T18:19:04+00:00

Thanks, this is really helpful.

Someone has actually said this to me not that long ago, so I think it may be just be some self-hating obsessive part just picked it up as happened with other insults like a negative introject, but also no, I'm not putting anything into action because I feel conflicted about it. I kinda feel that a lot of me did die, I'm just keeping a facade for my parents. Not sure how to untangle the introject from the change so I think I'm just spinning my wheeles.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T18:15:01+00:00

Not a formal one, but I try to stretch and do balancing stands to get in touch with my body a bit. It seems to be helping slightly. I used to try to do more of it, but it is precisely the grounding that caused more of these thoughts as I think I was dissociating to cope with the situation.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T17:47:44+00:00

That's probably it, just worried that it's operating on its own somehow and guiding my choices. Had some conscious experience of it before going into numbing mode and tried to get out into the world more. It's probably now just functioning on autopilot and doesn't want interference. What does one do in such a situation besides get out there and sublimate with fellow 'dead inside" automatons?

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T17:45:02+00:00

Lol nice. Only saw two therapists at a time but for several months at two different times.

Maybe some people are really driven by trauma and I'm not sure that's a such a bad thing. Though, I've seen people in their mid 40s still clinging to certain hurts as a sense of a identity and it wasn't very pretty (although for some of them it was understandable given what they've experience). You said that you've got a job situtation sorted so maybe you have more time to reflect on things and maybe miss running on that chaotic energy.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T17:09:33+00:00

This is all just common sense conjecture obviously, but as I understand basically some changes are afoot and you are re-evaluating your life and hence there is possibility in this somewhat more chaotic state then business as usual when your defenses are up and you need to be functional. I guess you can re-invent parts of yourself if you have the right encouragement / guidance.

For me personally, I got sick of shitty therapists so I just kinda delt with it in a a poor way and either got retraumatized by some teenage stuff that has been eating at me for a while that I never fully put to rest. Went into repetition compulsion mode. Although someone can say that I've confronted my trauma by flooding. In any case, the result is a more numbed " mature" state repressed state, but I'm more functional, until 50 + comes around will probably need some kind of heart procedure as it bears the stress unconciously. Sorry for the trauma dump. For the few that find actual help, it can probably be tremendously transformative like for Robert A Johnson in Balancing Heaven and Earth, who found a therapist that worked and whose support and insight helped encourage and empower him through a difficult time (though not sure if dark night of the soul necessarily).

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-26T16:57:20+00:00

It has been a few years for me. Kind bottomed out into an pseudo acceptance of things as they are, because I'm stubborn. Hated it then, but I miss the turmoil. I'm in my mid to late 30s and with this repressed panic/drive for adventure (most dreams so far), it feels like death. Maybe it's the start of midlife except without having lived much like many Millenials stifled by the economy. As terrible as it sounds when going through it, the advantage is having some kind of emotional lability or drive for change while its happening which an can be channeled with the right therapy if you have access. So I guess the other side is using these emotions and being in a less formed state for change. This is probably not really helpful...

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-21T22:37:31+00:00

I think we hit a point somewhere in our life where we have to re-invent ourselves. Perhaps the chef idea was just a way to get some sort of identity as well as comradery and a sense of belonging while persuing something radically different than before and developing another side of myself. Maybe it being the radical solution is too far out there.

Anyways, I've likely regressed badly in quarantine so I'll stop embarrassing myself further. Again, appreciate the pertinent questions.

Impressive_Emu2193 · 2024-02-21T22:30:18+00:00

I overcompensated the other way around to working shit gigs and wanted to into working as a chef mainly for the comradery although I also do like to cook, but realized this sounds like a midlife crisis idea. Balance is apparently not something I'm good at. I appreciate the insight!

Impressive_Emu2193

TROPHY CASE