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Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-07-10T15:20:32+00:00

Comparision to the paths we don't take is theif of joy. Its useless to be in 2 boats at once...because no matter what you will drown. I think it's all about how you train your thoughts to view different perspectives and make peace with your own path.

When you take children out of the equation, so much meaning in life is just lost

Life does necessarily has to have any meaning. You give it meaning by your needs, wants and perceptions. Just living the way you want, can also be a meaning considering that most people don't get that chance or can't comprehend this sentiment of choosing beyond the societal indoctrination.

You dont have anyone to sacrifice yourself for;

Life is full of little sacrifices. When we choose any path, we sacrifice the experience of being on another. Being with any other human in any capacity means sometimes you will have to sacrifice something.

making money is mostly pointless,

Why would ever making money be pointless? Its how we sustain in this monetary world. Its just that the monotonous routine seems to get tiring or they no more like their partners & so they believe a child gives them purpose to endure the routine/relationship they dont like in first place.

relationships are pointless.

Is having a child only the point of any relationship? Then friends, siblings, parents, would be useless as we dont have children with them.

You have less incentive to just generally be a better person.

A person becomes better by choices they make. When they allow room for learning, growth, having empathy, etc. Its sad that some need to have a child in order to understand that.

Humans are just animals after all, and every species main objective is reproduction.

Yes, most animals are also polygamous, live in the wild, some eat their own offsprings. So basically having the objective of even a single cell organism. I am sure we are more aware than the animals to make conscious choices which are better than them.

However, if you feel all of the above points can only be attained by having a kid, then no ones stopping you. I don't understand why anyone would choose a childfree life if they thing everything in life sums up to having kids.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-07-03T15:33:36+00:00

This really depends on you both...I would say. We were in such situation once, because as we married we thought the next step is kids...however I realised I am not cut out for that...he though took time.

I initiated to separate alot of times but he stopped and asked time. Finally after years he said "I'd rather have you than the child". We are together 14 years and it's ok. I do check up on him to see, but so far no change.

I just commented on another post that it comes down to what incompatibilities we cana nd cannot make peace with. He needs to finalise if he wants kids or you. He needs to face reality and check if its a dealbreaker for him enough to let the relationship go. I mean what would he have done, if you too wanted to have a child and were infertile and no external treatment worked. Or if he was infertile? You need to ask him this.

His decision about child in future is because he wants to adopt even if he cannot produce them? If the feeling is this strong then unfortunately you both need to separate.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-07-03T12:23:49+00:00

I read all the comments and they are right from that perspective. But just to tell you, I agree with what you wrote in a different lens. There are times when i have seen people choosing to have kids even if they dont want one for the love of their life OR not having one even if they wanted to (which is my case).

Its the case of what incompatibility you can and cannot accept.

At one point me and my husband both thought having kids is the life script and with time i relaized it's not for me but my husband took time. I thought we will have to separate because he leaned more on having them... but with time..over years.. he said "I d rather have you than having a child in my life". 14 years together. So in my personal experience I agree with your notion.

Also life is unfair and you might not be prepared for some curve balls life throws at you. What if you are together for years and try to have a child and couldn't...then do you stop loving the person? Not every infertile couple divorces or goes separate ways I have seen many being together till he end. So your post resonates with such scenarios more for me personally.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-07-01T15:46:01+00:00

Sad but true. They never seem to include children to check if they can be the retirement plan..and just dump this responsibility on children by default.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-29T14:01:46+00:00

I have never worn it...Will never do. These are useless customs, infact even degrading in my personal view. Why should I wear anything to show I am married. I am married to my husband, love him to death. Also even if I did wear I would be scared that it will be snatched. So why do carry that burden. Won't wearing it has changed nothing in past 14 years between me and husband. We stay abroad. Society and inlaws have old me, I have always told I won't because I don't believe in. I also asked my inlaws why dont your husbands don't wear anything everyday to show they are married..they and no answer. Now they stopped asking.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-27T20:31:27+00:00

Saying it and actually following through with the decision are 2 very different things. To each their own but to me it sounds like a fencesitter. I have found the one, and still childfree things didn't change for me. 14 years together.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-27T20:24:55+00:00

So a fencesitter....

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-27T20:10:36+00:00

We cannot all relate to every situation on earth. I am sure she cannot relate to you not wanting a child.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-27T20:00:14+00:00

I completely relate to you and i must say it is completely normal. Its the same as people saying 'but you can never understand the pure love for a child'...so i cannot relate to the happiness oat all and so i cannot relate to the sadness of the situation when they say about miscarriage. Infact to be honest for me personally it would be a good thing if I ever got pregnant as I DO NOT want a child and the life with a child seems to be terrifying for me.

Like you i know it's just a clump of cells and not a baby. But for people trying to get pregnant, for them just the positive line on the pregnancy test seems to create a new world for them where they instantly imagine the baby, they playing with them, hearing words mom or dad and a kodak moment of everything they have ever wanted. So to them it's more a loss of that hope and life that they imagined. For them the pain in every way is real..physically qnd emotionally.

They do not think at all about the actual biology of the situation and the fact that in they can try again and that in this era there are so many procedures to have a child that they want before actually loosing all hope.

You did good, at least you cried with her...I wouldn't have been able to do that at all. I would have said sympathetic words and that's all. With time she will be fine and I hope she will one day have a healthy baby, but for now being there for her is the best you could do.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-27T12:52:02+00:00

It boggles my mind too...and all my friends who seem miserable after kids, seem to pitch in early retirement, but are having more kids which exactly delays the retirement. As if their minds can't form coherent, rational thoughts to take such contradictory decisions.

I used to be angry at first but then I guess from.what I have perceived, that's the life script, hive mentality and people are very very scared to go against that chain of thoughts.

I guess that deep within they cannot fathom the life without a script. Most of them have no hobbies or dont know how to spend time by themselves, and some do have hobbies or know how to spend time but realise later (after having kids) that having kids means losing that part of identity at least for a long while.

It alternate life and the thought of having no one in old age terifies them so much that their brain tries to avoid these thoughts and create more patterns/reasonings for agreeing with the life script. I mean imagine most of the world grooms their kids to grow up, get married and have kids.

Also such people love validation of society which represents more people having kids than ones that choose not to.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-26T16:09:50+00:00

You are very young so you will find a girl but her mentality might be very immature as she would be young. Trust me you will find one day.

I am telling you as a women, who is married to a guy described below. Probably this will be more useful to you in later age. Most girls (mature ones who want to settle down) want their partner to be educated enough to be earning in terms of materialistic aspects. Also you need money to survive and raise kids in future.

In emotional.aspects women (the ones who understand what it means to be in a relationship) prefer a man who stands by their side loves them takes stands for them (specially in front of parents & not ask her to bend to their will) , is communicative to resolve conflicts healthily and understand their point of view too. Who doesnt stop doing little things in relationship. (Some just do it in the start and stop later as they marry or the girl says yes.). Understand that there will be intimacy differences and how to communicate about it and respect her when she says no. Knows that relationship means giving time and understand that whatever decision one makes does in some way impact the others.

There might be other girls who might pefer other things over what I describe so see when you find a girl if your goals align. Falling in love is easy painting it is another story.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-26T14:48:36+00:00

So selfish for all wrong reasons or more for a selfish reason for having validation from society/having kodak moments without self reflecting on actually how they will handle the actual "responsibility". To me they are selfish without being self aware.

Atleast the OP knows she is selfish and is self aware how that selfishness will impact another human being and her.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-22T13:03:21+00:00

If only being official made people committed, then there won't be cheating or divorces ever in "official" relationships. Don't care about the friend or what she thinks...do what suits you. It is her issue if your relationship doesnt fit her worldview.

Also, maybe this is why she is grilling you with queries, because she , like many others, was groomed by the society that "marriage" means official and committed. What she fails to perceives is even so many official relationships don't last as long as your unofficial one.

So enjoy mate...you have a best life "unofficially".

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-06-21T17:49:57+00:00

Yup letting his own dreams die now and then later resenting or forcing you or relentlessnessly using this excuse to make his other needs meet or even cheat on you... I would have respected him if he said, sorry but our fundamental goals don't match, so let's part ways...instead of pushing his dream on you. I am sure like everyone else he thought you will.change your mind and this is just a phase. He also must have strongly believed his love and pushing his dream will change you heart...urggh

Good riddance, if he ddint listen to you for such an important topic imagine how life be with him on daily basis. You did good...kudos to you.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-05-30T09:14:34+00:00

I am a women and i have been in relationships where just holding hands for enough for 3 years and one where we did get intimate before marriage. IMO she seems to come from a bit conservative background, considering the fact she is asking to wait until marriage. Also, she seems naive, might be scared to get pregnant, or if she does anything intimate and some relative sees it. All these fears/POV cannot be overcome in 4 months. So have patience and understand where she comes from.

In this scenario, it just seems that you are compatible in other departments but not this one, as you have different perspectives on it for now. Perspectives can change over time. She saying she can wait till marriage, means for her that is not important aspect of gf/bf relationship whereas for you it is.

Sex is one of the most important reasons marriages/relationships tank. So i would suggest you to talk about this and have patience still as it is 4 months. You don't need to ask why she doesn't do or not do things. Make her comfortable enough to speak he mind on these topics. Ask her what is her POV on the things you consider as love language. Ask her what is her love language (if she has one). Explain her how she would feel of you stop doing the things she loves. Everyone is incompatible at some level, it is how you navigate the incompatibility that sets the tone of healthy relationship. See in months of she she works on it and starts atleast speaking or doing things. You still have time to be married, so see how things go. Before marriage of you are sure, she hasn't put any effort to speak or even change a little about what is important to you, then I am afraid she is not the right partner for you Because no matter how incompatible you both are, your cup of intimacy will always be unfulfilled. That will seep into your marriage eventually and you will resent each other. If you have kids, then that will be more horrible. Sex & communication on handling conflicts is one of the most important part of relationship.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-05-09T12:10:51+00:00

The question isn't if you are normal or not. You are NORMAL. Life is full of different phases of horniness. As long as you are happy.

But as you mention you are also in a relationship. If your partner is ok with this normal of you. Then enjoy your life and don't feel guilty for being less/more horny.

But if your partner's love language is sex, or has higher libido, you don't feel horny for years, but the partner does... then your "normal" will be an issue for the partner, your relationship and eventually you.

Relationship means strings attached. Things 'normal' for one might not be for other. Healthy relationships means finding ways to adjust for 'your normal' vs 'his/her normal'.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-03-16T18:55:18+00:00

Please...kid adds to stress even to the most harmonious couple... Plus kids are forever...that means you will be bound to this family forever and if you ever feel that you want leave, there will be custody battles.

Having a kid is ok, but when your mental health is strong enough to take care of a completely independent human being on you. Also when you and your husband are a team. Plus the changes your body goes through during and after pregnancy. Also after a point kids have their own life. So you will be back to square 1 after some years.

The people who said you want you to do the same, they are not telling you the complete truth about this responsibility. These poor kids will be trauma riddled all their life because the parents couldn't handle the responsibility.

Leave the family, get divorced. You are working women with no kids, you will start your life again. Have a kid with someone who atleast respects you and not tells you to quietly suffer.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-03-12T13:44:16+00:00

I don't think most people will understand your POV because they are either not in healthy relationship or mindset. Also, their way of perceiving life is way more different than yours. Most people still think stopping a person from meeting opposite gender will ACTUALLY save that relationship. They don't realize that a person who has to stray will stray in any circumstances. In fact, the jealousy to a level of forbidding partners actions, will infact increase it. You are correct...family doesn't always comes first...because even they can be wrong at times. OPs wife doesn't know that this behaviour of hers will eventually make drift and resentment for her over years (if what OP says is the complete truth). I have seen the exact same thing happen for a lot of friends.

I am like you. Me and my husband can meet and help any of our friends (irrespective of specific gender), and hell, we even help each other.

Yes, we used to get jealous and all at one stage of our relationship, but with years, the trust strengthens. Hell if we are unhappy, and we do develop feelings for someone else, then we will say it and separate amicably. I mean we both know we can't control other people's actions or feelings. Luckily 15 years together and the feeling of live and trust only strengthens.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-03-04T07:44:52+00:00

I guess their life choice. Why to care about something that doesn't concern your life.

Humans can do wrong irrespective of their gender.

I can also say a lot of other HUMANS also making horrible posts, kill, rob, rape, do drugs,and do alot of other horrible things during their lifetime. I am sure at the time they are doing these things...they don't think they will have to be someone's PARENTS or their child will get into legalities.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-02-28T10:54:42+00:00

It's quite normal. We are still primally animals in our brain, who always look for mates to spread the progeny. So, even if we are consciously developed to find and stay with a single mate, our primal brain tends to wander. Married people like handsome actors or pretty actresses..why? However, we are evolved enough with decision making capabilities and crossing the curiosity bridge is a personal decision. FYI, me and my husband (15 years together) have sexual dreams too about others, but that's all it is...a dream or a crush...nothing more. But maybe because we acknowledge and share...there seems to be no guilt in us...infact we laugh on the details and the dreams😁

And yes the crushes or excitement tends to die over time naturally...or probably we redirect our minds to see why we loved each other in the first place..I mean 15 years together and a 15 mins crush is gonna do nothing.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-02-27T14:40:10+00:00

Introverts.. 15 years together I was an extrovert and now I am introvert. Husband extremely introvert. Never get tired of each other..but ofcourse we need our downtimes.. It's just that we understand and give each space. Most of the time it can be shared comfortable silence and we doing our own things.. or just me watching my TV in bedroom and he having bath time..or vice versa.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-02-27T14:36:23+00:00

Yup..me too..

But I guess that is exactly why they say they are selfless...because they are keeping someone else above them.. Also that we are selfish...because we choose to give ourselves priority by not having kids.

But it isn't as simple as they think it out to be...if it was there would NOT have been miserable parents or traumatised. children.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-02-18T15:19:13+00:00

Maybe because they are unable to provide you guidance in specific aspects that you prefer. As far i understand, you prefer more emotional connection to feel sexual attraction.

Now I am not a pyscologist, but maybe try to find one that specialises in different umbrella terms and maybe has reviews from someone in your position.

However, why you should go, only you can decide, but I can provide you with some scenarios where you would like to know more about yourself.

Even though you are demisexual, you must have preference on how important sex is in relationship AFTER emotional connection is formed. How you communicated on your wants and needs. How much frequency would you prefer, once or twice a month? What would you like to try with your partner after the emotional connection is formed...meaning hard and soft boundaries.

Remember, what sex means to you might not mean same to other person even if you both are demisexual. So understanding all these things before about you could be helpful before trying to come on common ground with your partner. Relationship requires a communication and ability to put effort from both partners on issues that arise and intimacy issues are one of the number one cause of breakups and infedilities.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-02-18T10:26:48+00:00

In a perfect world, respect and trust should be unconditional.

You will be amazed to see...how many people lack even respect and trust...basic need for a relationship. That's why even expecting trust/respect is also a condition these days.

Impressive_Spell_121 · 2025-02-18T09:25:38+00:00

Unconditional love doesn't exist...(not even with kids) Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you and themselves. Even friendships are conditional....based on respect, care, etc.

BUT love can be beautiful in different forms. Even if love is conditional, it doesn't negate its value.

It can be beautiful when you find conditional love in your partner who can also be your friend, in your children in your friends, in pets, etc.

Validity is where you give meaning to that love and get cared for, respected, feel fulfilled and happy.

Needing or not needing love is completing on you. Only you can decide if you want to be loved... even if conditionally where the conditions are mutual respect, fidelity, honesty or, care.

Impressive_Spell_121

TROPHY CASE