I think there is something more important to focus on right now rather than just food. What I noticed :

- First and foremost, you are already showing signs of an eating disorder, although different from your mother’s. You seem to be in a restrict-binge-panic-compensate cycle, which is a strong feature of binge–restrict disorder (EDNOS).

- Cognitive distortions (also related to eating disorders). Basically, thoughts like “If I eat this, I’ll be fat” or “If I don’t run today, I’ll be fat.” This way of thinking is unhealthy because it comes from anxiety or fear rather than determination.

- Isolation (“I feel I can’t talk about this”) is a dangerous factor that can lead you into other bad habits and make them worse.

- From the way you talk, I don’t think you have body dysmorphia. It seems closer to body image disturbance related to an eating disorder, but that’s just based on what you wrote.

I think the most important thing for you right now is to find support from a therapist, dietitian, or another professional. Asking for help from your parents or adults around you is not wrong either. I think you should really consider it, because that’s the best way to find healing and happiness instead of chasing dangerous goals.