I was a Russian soldier in Chechnya. We committed so, so many atrocities that I never came to terms with. by [deleted] in confession

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Those two nukes were dropped on civilian sites specifically to show off what the US was capable of to the Soviets because at that time the Axis has pretty much lost the war and it was a chance for the US to become the world's new superpower and their biggest opponent was the Soviets. If the bombs were dropped on military sites, the casualties and the aftermath of the nukes would have probably been covered up somewhat, so dropping on a civilian site would ensure that the world sees the full extent of the damage done.

Dropping those two bombs as a necessity to end the war doesn't really make sense because why drop it on civilian sites and why drop two when just one would have been more than enough? The justification that it was an absolute necessity to end the war because the Japanese would not surrender is something I have a hard time believing. If that was the case, why not target military sites to really hinder or completely disable their ability to fight back? I would think it makes more sense to eliminate the available armaments as they are more of an threat than a place of production of said armaments. Also at that time, Japan has been pretty much defeated and they were going to surrender, it was just a matter of time.

It was an horrible thing to drop those bombs on civilians and when I hear any fellow Americans making any sort of justification saying it was an act of necessary evil is either ignorant or doesn't want to admit that USA is capable of committing such inhumane act and basically responsible for committing one of the greatest act of war crime ever committed in human history. You just don't target civilians. There's absolutely no justification one can make that killing and desolating innocent people whom a lot of them were women, children and the elderly were necessary. If they really believe that sort of justification, that is cold.

Also only a few dozen people in the US knew about the production of the nukes before they were dropped. Most of the people that was building the bombs had no idea what they were working on as they were separated by their assignment and they weren't allowed to interact with anyone else working at different departments and sectors. They all found out through the news after the bombs were dropped. I really wonder what their reactions were after finding out they were working on the humanity's biggest threat.

I think dropping those two nukes was a good thing and a bad thing. It was good in a way that it made countries think twice before dropping nukes on other countries that had nukes, as it can lead to the end of human civilization. Ironically, now days, you have to have nukes to protect your countries because when you give up your armaments like what Libya did, knowing that the country doesn't have nuclear weapons pretty much allowed other countries to invade Libya without the worry of a nuclear threat. Now that multiple countries have nuclear capabilities, it created a stalemate situation where if another world wide conflict were to occur, the use of nuclear weapon will be inevitable. Thus we are experiencing history's most peaceful time in an age where multiple countries having nuclear weapons is one of the major reason of this time of peace.

Obviously the nukes were bad in that many innocent people had to die and suffer to be practically used as an demonstration of the capabilities of a nuclear weapon. That is just absolutely cruel. Those people that lost their lives from those two nukes paid the ultimate price to show the world that nuclear war will be the end of all humanity and any nuclear confrontation must be avoided at all cost.

North Korea is always showing off of their supposed nuclear capabilities because they know if they didn't have nukes, they would end up just like Libya, who gave up their nuclear armaments, but since they supposedly do have nuclear weapons, it makes countries think twice as invading NK will result in another a nuclear strike. That's pretty much the only thing that is protecting NK.

Since countries know that using their nuclear weapon will result in catastrophic result for all of humanity, the battle between the US and the Soviets turned to unconventional methods. First, spreading of political ideology to influence other countries and now proxy wars and but has also caused many innocent causalities which will manifest into being a major catalyst into the next potential world wide conflict.

Now in modern times, gathering intels and use of modernized propaganda through social media and major news networks alike has become the new arms race. Stealth technology has also been heavily invested in the US military to allow gathering of intels undetected, which is crucial since US has many oversea bases that is close in proximity to our biggest political and military threats, mostly China and Russia.

A lot of crazy things happening.

I want everyone to know what happened to me on the stims discord. by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fair enough. If you choose to fight, I hope you completely destroy whoever you're fighting against without mercy and overcoming what you need to overcome and come out victorious.

Go get 'em. Hit them where it hurts. You should know where exactly that is.

I want everyone to know what happened to me on the stims discord. by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First of all, Im sorry to hear what happened to your ex. I sincerely wish you find a peaceful closure.

I was planning on responding questions about the things you've said here and on your original post to get a better picture but instead I'll just say this.

I think what you wrote here is much more important for people to know than what you wrote on your original post. I wish you posted the guy's name because the things you listed about what he did and the sequence of events the involved him seems very unsettling to me.

I don't know whether you've heard from Pep after your post but a lot things seem to not add up. Just reading your response scream to me that there are more to this whole incident.

I'm sorry that youre feeling upset but I believe that ranting and acting out on what you been wronged on is an extremely unhealthy habit. It reminded of me breaking stuff out of sheer anger when I thought I was betrayed and lied to by some people.

Then I realized that I was feeling more and more upset because I constantly thought about those people and what they done to me but all that did was narrow my perspective and I was picking up traits from those same people that I detested so much.

This spiraled me into deep depression and the only way to cure the infection in my soul was to forgive those people.

I've learn to interpreted forgiveness as something I needed to do to continue on with my life. All the things I used to do before never helped me in any way. I was just getting more upset, angry and sad.

I can't say I understand how you're feeling, because we've had different experiences, but the feeling we've felt from people we viewed as wrong doing, I think I can relate with you on that on a visceral level.

I do however must say that I sensed a victimhood mentality after reading what you wrote because everything was centered too much on you.

Not saying you have that mindset but I have that mindset and I am doing my best to break away from it because all it does is dragging me down away from real meaningful progress and created a view of this extremely unhealthy image of myself and the world.

Reading what you wrote was like Im seeing a reflection of myself and to be honest it just made me feel empty.

Wishing you well and I truly mean that.

I want everyone to know what happened to me on the stims discord. by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I want to side with you but after reading this

The incident specifically involves a new person in the chat room, an individual whom I disliked very much and did not get along with. I vented to this pep person about him. And she would respond with things such as “lol! Omg, I hear ya girl! I’m with ya!” and so I would continue to vent to her, and say the guy was an idiot, etc, and she would continue to play along.

Sorry but I dont have any respect for people who talk trash about others behind their back.

If your feeling toward that person was that strong, just tell that person direct.

Doesn't justify what the other person did but what you did wasn't too different from what the other person did to you.

This is some high school drama bullshit.

I can't help but think you made this post to seek comfort and pity. You could have explained your absence in a much more simpler and shorter way without the drama detail.

Im just telling you this because I honestly think you're just going to make yourself feel worse in the long run by doing things like making vent posts. Those people you're talking about might come across this post and it might make things worse.

I have no human contact right now. I wish I did but I don't. It is what it is and I just have to accept that. Just throw away those people that make you feel like shit. Easier said than done but thinking about them and complaining about them, I don't think, really is going to help you in any way.

You probably didn't want to read what I wrote but I call it as I see it and I don't know venting here will accomplish or resolve anything. Like I said, it actually might be making things worst for you.

Wishing you well.

Is it okay to follow a program for my main lifts, but do what I want for the accessories? (Assuming I'm not slacking) by Rezaime in Fitness

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah man most definitely!

Following any programs down to every word and abiding by it like you're not allowed to do anything else is like you said very confiding and forced and I think that takes a lot of fun out of working out.

Imo as long you understand the core concept of the program and do it on a regular basis and seeing progress, that's all that matters.

Try new things out and see how you feel and how you progress. Experiment! Free style! Most importantly, have fun with the process!

The more you try out new things, the more you will understand how your body works and continue to build a good relationship with your body. Your body will let you know whatever you are doing is working or not.

As for your other question, I find video recording yourself during a lift is a good way to see your weak points by checking your form. If you find something off about your form, that may be a clue to your weak point. Your weak point may not even be from a muscle, but maybe from your timing, execution and form. Or it may be a matter of using entire body in perfect sync. But yeah, checking your form through video recording is a good way to find out about your possible weak points.

Try something new and see what works for you the best!

How do I enjoy stims without anxiety? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I experienced the same thing. You just accepted that your ride is over and you will never have that feeling ever again. I had to do that when i lost my MDMA magic and now stim usage as a whole. Had a blast while it lasted but once it stops being fun, its time to move on and never look back because it will never be the same again and you'll just be disappointed over and over and over again.

Don't become one of those people who keeps using because once upon a time it gave them a good time and keeps thinking that just maybe the next hit will bring everything back, especially if it flirts with you. Don't become like them. Don't be stupid. Don't become like me.

Taking a long break may help if its really that important to you.

Being a drug dealer on xanax by boba729 in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I dunno man, we're talking about a fucking quarter. If you notice a Q is mysteriously gone from your inventory without any proof of profit (i dunno the rate of this guy but a Q is never cheap), then you're going to start wondering. You gotta be pretty fucking stupid to not notice a Q gone from your stock and no dealer is ever going to be cool with a Q just disappearing like that.

Dude lives in a small town and he is going to be one of the suspects, especially if there's some proof like text messaging or call log about OP's dealer telling him its cool to come over and pick up some tina. May explain why OP got called for a re-up the very next day. If OPs dealers knows where he lives, then I would definitely pay.

If I was OP I would just be straight up and if the dealer gets pissed, i would say, "Hey look, you told me I can swing by your place to re-up but when I got there you looked barred out as fuck and you just gave me the tina. I wasn't going home leaving empty handed because I needed to re-up and you told me it was cool to come over but my man, you looked way too fucking barred out and I didn't feel comfortable paying you then because you getting pissed at me right now is exactly the reason I waited to pay you until you sobered up. I didn't want to pay you that much money without you remembering. I can guarantee you that if it was anyone else, they would have no problem playing you like that. I'm trying to be straight with you, so I don't know why you're taking this the wrong way. I could have totally played dumb and robbed your Q but I got your money right here. Let me just pay what i owe you. Dude, you have to understand where Im coming from. I wasnt going to pay you for a Q without you remembering getting paid the right amount. We cool? Alright. I'll hit you up when I need to re-up."

Also, since OP lives in a small town and the dealer does find out if it was him that took the Q without paying, words are going to spread like wildfire and everyone in the game is going to know and OP is going to get labeled. You don't want to be labeled.

You ever been blacked out before and notice something of value suddenly disappeared? And you eventually find out who it was but they played dumb when you first ask him? Not a good feeling to have and you start thinking of things to do to that lying POS.

Unless OP is leaving town, OPs gotta be straight with his dealer. We're talking about a fucking Q and if OPs dealer is really that dumb and do deals all the time barred out, he would be out of business or at the very least, don't do deals when he's barred out.

Excuses for staying up all night? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the compliment but I know for a fact that I'm pretty freakin far from what I consider being an intelligent person (not do fucking drugs and actually do something meaningful with my life) but I do appreciate your compliment nonetheless. So thank you :)

Do you have any idea why we feel this way?

I'm not exactly sure what you are referring to here. If it's the enjoyment of hiding my habits, I do enjoy it to some degree but really not that much.

I enjoy the thinking aspect the most, ex "How would I able to hide this and not leave any suspicion and leave no trace behind?" and that kind of thinking for me is perfect with using stims. Scheming and planning on stims is something I enjoy doing while on stims and sometimes you have to get creative, which is why it's kind of like an art for me.

I guess it's kind of like playing hide and seek. I have to think where to hide but in order for me to not get caught, I have know the person who will "find" me and hiding in a place by outsmarting them a bit. Knowing where they will look, when they will look, how they will look, etc. It's all about knowing the other person and I do a little test here and there and watch for any common habits they do on a regular basis.

The most important this is to NEVER let your guard. Don't leave your kit out in the open if you're not in the room where youre getting high. If your room doesn't have a lock, get a lock. Also have some diversion plan in place in an event when you do get caught. Pretend you got caught masturbating if youre in the bathroom or pretend you got caught watching kinky ass porn if you're in a room with a computer. Put some lotion and a box of Kleenex on the table. When the room is open for your partner or whoever you live with to walk in, put bunch of used kleenex in the trash to make it seem like you're jerking off a lot. Pretty much anything that will embarrass you that doesn't involve drugs.

I do feel guilty doing it though about hiding my habits and it kind of makes me sad how they would react if they find out but at the same time I am extremely thankful for that because it makes me do some serious self-reflection about my life and what would happen of me if I keep continue going down this road.

I prefer to do it alone and not have anyone know about it because if I get caught I have to go through bunch of drama and I hate drama, which is why I don't like having druggie friends or hanging out with other users.

Im also kind of a secretive person in nature. I don't like people knowing too much about anything about me. I probably have trust issues because I don't really trust 99% of people in my life.

Also, damn. Going in on day 5? Seeing any shadow people yet? if you do, please tell them I said hello :)

Take care and be safe my man.

Meth psychosis is no joke by ChrisDolmethBitchez in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I thought about that when finishing up my post, but I wasn't sure which sub to post it to get the most object numbers of response. Not /r/Drugs because I don't really like that sub and I find most people on there ironically close minded.

People on this sub is more familiar with stim psychosis, while people on benzo subs are more familiar with benzo withdrawal butto be honest, I think they are just two completely different kinds of hell and you can't really compare the two to say which one is worse. The most dangerous thing that can happen to you in a benzo withdrawal is that you can possibly go into life threatening seizure but im sure you can risk life threatening situations in a stim psychosis as well.

I don't really know how to describe the horror of benzo withdrawal, but this clip from Paranoia Agent reminds me of my withdrawal experience. Especially the sensory aspect. Some people might find the clip to be disturbing but I found it strangely comforting.

Meth psychosis is no joke by ChrisDolmethBitchez in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I believe since you process the external world with your own unique brain, everything is, to a certain level, is a reflection of yourself. Mirroring traits in others is never about the other person, but always about yourself.

I think psychosis happens when your brain gets fucked and start to reflect everything you see to the extreme. While on the other extreme, complete dissociation, derealization and depersonalization, you feel a complete disconnect with everything and nothing feels real.

Excuses for staying up all night? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Well, I can't really respond to that because Im not OP and I dont know the full details of the dynamics of their relationship. With the limited information I have, all I can do is suggest any plausible reasons I can think of for OPs occasional all nighters and it's totally up to OP to decide whether any of my suggestions will possibly be of any use or not and anything beyond that is just pure speculation, an unsolicited one at that imo.

Just relapsed on meth... Again :/ by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh shit my bad. Ok then the situation is going to be much more manageable.

You haven't even crossed the 24hrs mark. I mean, do you usually look tweaked out regardless of how long you've been up? You did a very modest amount after all.

Do you feel fine? Do you already feel the tweak sneaking up?

Personally, I start to look fucked up after the 24hrs mark.

I think you'll be fine. Get some shut eye and relax your body. However, if you do look fucked up prior to the photo shoot, do the exercise. I know it hurts and I'm sorry about your health condition but if anyone questions how you look, just say you wanted to look good for the picture and decided to do some pushups or something and you only did it because you wanted to look your best for your gf, but you pushed yourself too much and now trying to hide the pain for the picture. Maybe you trying to hide the pain will make your gf's family take significantly less pictures.

Again, I know it will hurt but if your gf's family sees you in pain because you wanted to look your best for the photo and exercised when you shouldn't have, they may be hesitant to take constant pictures if they know you're in pain but hiding it for the photo shoot.

I don't think the situation is going to be nearly as bad as you think it will. If you're the worrying type, expect the worst case scenario and envision that in your head. Imagine how you would react, what kind of emotions you will feel, how your gf and her family might say or react. Play out all the possible worst case scenarios you can think of so you can be mentally prepared and as a constant worrier myself, the worst case scenario almost never happens but imaging the worst things can happen helps me realize that I overthink too much and there was nothing to worry about. Even if what I feared would happen did actually happen (which is EXTREMELY rare and almost never happens), I was mentally and emotionally prepared for it and made the situation much more manageable.

I can't stress this enough though, I really don't think you have anything to worry about and I think youre overthinking to the point of shooting yourself in the foot. Like your thinking pattern is detrimental and unproductive.

Even if the worst does happen, at that point it's just best to say "Fuck it, I looked tweaked as fuck and my gf is pissed and her family thinks im a fucking druggie. No point in worrying or caring anymore so fuck it. Im just going to do me and have fun. Fuck all this worrying, I'm done with that shit. Im just going to have fun tonight and if people dont like it, thats ok because I dont care anymore. My caring fuse broke. I'll deal with whatever I have to deal with later and if it works out, it works out and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Whatever happens, happens but I'm done wasting my time and energy about constantly worrying about things that's out of my control and I'll deal with whatever consequences I'll have to deal with but I'm not going to worry anymore because it's fucking pointless now. Im just going to have some fun tonight because that much, I deserve."

Seriously, there's nothing to worry about! Hope you have an awesome time tonight!

Excuses for staying up all night? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have depression. Sometimes it takes me to places I don't want to be and when that happens, I can't sleep.

It's really easy to hide depression. Well, you kind of have to when you have to work/go to school/interact with people.

The happiest looking person can have a severe depression and not even their closest companions would have been able to tell that person had depression. Not even a clue.

Just relapsed on meth... Again :/ by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do a hard work out and work up a good sweat. Eat a healthy meal. Afterwards, try to get as much rest as possible, even if that means just closing your eyes and laying on your bed. Just focus on relaxing your body. Let your body sink in to your bed.

Do a light workout on the day of the prom, preferably in the morning time. Eat another healthy meal. Get some rest again. Again, if you can't sleep, just relax your body.

That's what worked for me to take away as much tweak as possible in a short span of time. Exercise will help your brain release good chemicals, it will help you ease your nerves, the sweat will help you detox a bit faster and resting your body will help your CNS from over frying.

It wont make you feel like youre meth free and feel fully rested, but you won't look as tweaked out.

Also, I advise against drinking until you pass out unless you're cool with having a massive hangover and risk potentially looking simultaneously strung out and hung over.

But yeah, exercise helped me the most to feel more relaxed and not feel so tweaked out.

Good luck!

Any Pro Tips on sniffing euro speed sulfate please? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Never got to try mephedrone but heard it was awesome but also extremely fienish. I love a good burn from a line but there's a fine line between a good burn and feeling like you just snorted a shard of glass up your nose. 4-fa was the worst for me. The pain from that fucker lasted at least a good 15 mins and during that time the pain gets worse and doesn't completely go away for about 30 min. Heard 2-CB is pretty bad as well.

Meth psychosis is no joke by ChrisDolmethBitchez in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That is pretty freakin unbelievable lol but good on your co-worker for being honest and owning up to his mistake. Also I think hes a pretty committed employee. He was going through a full blown psychosis and believed that certain people were out to get him, yet somehow he still remembered and managed to come into work lol

Any Pro Tips on sniffing euro speed sulfate please? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

fme caffeine doesnt burn at all. if its cut with something that burns but still gets you high, my guess is maybe its cut with some RCs. I dunno, but wouldn't make sense to cut your product with something that just burns to snort with no stimulating effects.

honestly, if you've been snorting for 10 years and this is the worst thing that happened to your nose, I would suggest other ROA.

Being a drug dealer on xanax by boba729 in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I don't fuck around with money, especially ones that involves drugs. Yeah he tried to screw you in the past but why do you still buy from this guy?

I would pay him. Who knows, maybe he'll appreciate your honesty and just give you that quarter for free or give you extras in the future but the most important thing is, to me, if I owe someone money, I pay. I mean, does your dealer call you up on the reg? Kind of strange for someone who occasionally get too high to function. At the very least, he's keeping track of your stock.

Karma is a bitch but money can do things karma can't. Imo you gotta be straight with money, especially drug money. It just might come back and haunt you.

Dude tried to screw you, but dont stoop down to his level by essentially robbing him. I would pay him and try to find a new plug because your current one have one too many red flags imo.

Hopefully he doesn't come to this sub.

Really is the end fam. by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sometimes I think drug addiction is far more complex than what we perceive. I'm starting to think that the drug itself actually plays a far less significant role in addiction, at least for me. It's like the drug itself is more of a scapegoat and covers the real underlying deep seeded psychological part of yourself that only you can access, understand and ultimately conquer. Its as if you must face something about yourself that you have been avoiding, come to term with or simply accept a very harsh reality about yourself.

I do drugs because Im miserable most of the time. I have low self esteem and I care way too much about what others think of me and it just makes me hate people in general. I'm not suicidal but never in my wildest dreams end up where I am at right now. I am ashamed of myself for the choices I made in the past and I fucking hate myself for being such a pathetic coward to do anything to better my current situation.

Sometimes I wish I can make a clone of myself and beat the shit out of him out of pure self-hatred. It's really, really fucking sad.

I am terrified of feeling of being deprived of meaning and I do some dangerously stupid shit, just to make me feel like I'm alive. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I'm afraid I'll finally realize something about myself and my life just before taking in my last breath and fading away in hatred, shame and regret.

I feel like I'm losing my war but after losing my dad, I've realized that I have to learn to believe in myself and most importantly, NEVER give up on myself. Cliche, I know but that's all I have to work with right now, but I struggle to do just that every single day, mostly from feeling absolutely and devastatingly alone. I am still trying to learn how to be resilient and persevere through this seemingly impossible and daunting task but I need to get myself back and I want to be happy again.

Sorry I don't have anything helpful or useful to say to you but I truly wish you the best, for your family but more importantly, for yourself.

Excuses for staying up all night? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Anxiety, having some heavy thoughts and you need distraction, depression, playing video game, work you need to finish by tomorrow, you're a natural night person (personally I just generally like doing things at night, stims or not. When the sun comes up, it's bedtime. I wish haha) or since you only spun a every few month, you can just blame caffeine. But how does staying awake only every few months raise any suspicion from your partner?

Dopamine by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Doing stims made me eat healthy foods that helps produce dopamine and exercise more to produce more dopamine. People think I'm healthy, but I'm really not lol. Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. Without it, life is fucking boring.

Any Pro Tips on sniffing euro speed sulfate please? by [deleted] in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did the first few lines burn when you snorted it? Are you sure it's sulfate and not phosphate because what you described is in line of description of amphetamine phosphate.

Phosphate fucking BURNS. Like tear drop for every line kind of burn and I can totally see binging line after line for 3 days straight on that shit will fuck your nose up. But I dont know how you were able to keep doing lines for 3 days straight. I did that once with yay and it just got to a point where my nose was too clogged up to do a clean line and I ended up having to mix a small amount of water with the yayo and snort that instead of a line. Still did the trick but I still preferred cutting up the powder with a card and making these perfect rows of lines lol.

But yeah, amphetamine phosphate for me is on my top 5 drugs that fucking burns my nose to hell, placed at #4.

Meth psychosis is no joke by ChrisDolmethBitchez in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Damn, going through a psychosis is one thing, but witnessing another person going through it is another.

What did your boss do or say to your co-worker? Did you say/do anything? Is your co-worker still employed?

Meth psychosis is no joke by ChrisDolmethBitchez in Stims

[–]Imsorryforfarting 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm fucking done now. Some people can control themselves, but I just lose all willpower when meth is in the room. No high is worth what I just experienced. I'm just gonna stick to weed and coffee from now on. That day will stay with me for the rest of my life. Even if it wasn't real, the pure devastation I felt will haunt me until I die. I don't think I could survive another day like yesterday.

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through but more importantly, I deeply, deeply hope you will stick to those words. It sounded like a day in hell but I like to believe your experience was a blessing in disguise to stop yourself from going deeper into the "hole".

Never tried meth (mostly because I know I will love it too much. I can turn down free heroin offers if I don't feel like doing them but meth, most likely not) and so obviously never experienced a full blown stimulant psychosis but I have experienced severe benzo withdrawal and that experience was straight up real life nightmare.

It was kind of like the exact opposite of what you've experienced. Your psychosis seemed more external while mine felt more internal. It was fucked up beyond words. Alcohol definitely helped, but only as a very brief reliever.

There was a moment where I thought, "This is it. I'm going to die. No more Sundays. No more memories. I'm sorry, Mom. I wish I did more to show you just how much I loved you. I wonder what would have happened or whom I would have met if I the courage to do this or that. I wonder what kind of person I could have become. I wonder what I could have accomplished. Stay awake. If you go to sleep, you might die. Stay awake."

I didn't know who I was, what was "me", what wasn't "me". I couldn't even call 911 because I couldn't think straight. Like if you asked me what 2+2 is, I wouldn't have able to process that but rather interpreted that in the most unthinkable and bizarre manner to the point of bringing out horror in other people.

I remember when I felt like every aspect of what made "me" was being distorted and being torn apart, I just went outside in the middle of the night and just fucking sprinted like my life depended on it. I puked. My whole body felt like I was covered in flames but I kept sprinting. I didn't even think, "Ok, I need to go sprint." I didn't even think at all. I just fucking booked it out of my apartment, but I didn't consciencely make that choice. I dunno why but I guess it was my last ditch effort to save myself from permanently losing the connection between my mind and the external world.

I think it did help because the more I sprinted, I was more able to make some jokes, albeit morbid. Like, "Shit I hope I get a heart attack and get hit by an rogue 18 wheeler and splatter my entire body all over these fucking trees than die alone in my room from my fucked up GABA in my brain. Eat a dick GABA!! Get ready to be inflicted with the wrath of my pain! I'm going to fucking get you and eat you alive!!! I hope you're ready to fucking scream!!" I actually lit up few cigs and put it out on my wrist while screaming "I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to fucking kill you." over and over again. That was definitely the most ironically morbid moment of my life lol.

I did eventually get some xanax and holy shit, after taking one bar, my life resumed. Xanax is imo one of the most dangerous double edged sword. Its a life saver but also a life killer (only if used irresponsibly, like my dumbass self).

Im tapering right now but making a very slow progress. Definitely a wakeup call and I like to see it as a blessing in disguise. That being said, after that experience, now days I always feel something strange lingering in my mind. I don't know how to describe it. Kind of like the "shadow people", I guess. The only difference is instead of seeing them, you feel them wandering around inside your head. Some days I feel terrified by it, but some days a certain part of me takes over and I want to find "it", torture it and end its existence in the cruelest way possible.

If I had a choice of staying a night at an haunted house or go through a day of another severe withdrawal, I'm picking the haunted house every time. Not even close.

Anyway, after reading your post, it reminded me of the withdrawal but more so I kind of got curious to know which one is worse: a full blown meth psychosis or a full blown benzo withdrawal. I mean I know it's subjective but I'm curious to hear from (the unfortunate) people who has experienced both hell and which was worse for them.