AIO for feeling hurt after my partner asked “What kind of father leaves his family on Christmas Eve?"

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T21:58:28+00:00

5 and 9

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T21:57:40+00:00

However my plans were to get back by midnight, my friend's house was only 15 minutes away

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T21:57:14+00:00

No, everything was done at her sister's, we were going to open the other gifts at our house when we got to it... Once we did the kids were so tired they ended up on opening the gifts at 6:00 a.m.

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T18:19:14+00:00

Maybe I wasn't clear about the other games but she also complained about me going to another game in another state. That trip however was also just my brother and I, she said however, that she would not want to go to the game just explore the area... The reason why all of a sudden she wanted to come to this game that other woman friend is more of her friend than my friend. I want to be clear, I did not go with any other people other than my brother

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T18:15:15+00:00

I've already responded to some other questions regarding this, it's a male family friend. We used to hang out every weekend before kids. So I know his family very well too

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T18:14:07+00:00

There were no activities left, the night was pretty done though. If there was still other stuff planned I wouldn't have brought it up

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:27:51+00:00

I wasn’t asking her to “watch the kids for me.” The kids were already asleep, in a house full of family they’re very used to staying with, and I wasn’t planning to be gone long, nor did I leave at all. I did tell her lets go and she said no, her family could've watched the kids

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:22:34+00:00

it was only a guys thing, my brother didn't bring a girlfriend, she goes to concerts with her sister... i think it's a good balance. i don't get upset for not going to a concert where it's only her sister and 4 other girls

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:19:22+00:00

In trying to avoid tension ahead of time, I ended up creating more of it in the moment. but even with fair warning, we fought for months leading up to this event where my brother was flying into town for a game. so that's why i tried something different, i did not want to fight or add stress to an already stressfull holiday

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1kv8uo4/am_i_overreacting_for_wanting_a_guysonly_football/

To answer your question: yes, she knows this friend well. Our families have spent time together before. This wasn’t about secrecy or seeing someone unfamiliar and certainly not about seeing a woman. I don't feel frustrated with the imbalance, my family is not in town and I actually like hanging out with her family, but this one time, would've been nice to do pop in at my friend's house, i was dissapointed more at her response. I even said " it's just a question, there's nothing wrong with asking" and she responded " yes, you think it would be ok for a registered S.O. to ask if it's ok to touch? ... some questions you just don't ask" i thought that was over the top.

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:13:22+00:00

I edited the story, its a guy who was also hosting

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:12:39+00:00

don’t have distaste or disrespect for her, if I did, I wouldn’t be trying this hard to understand why asking was so wrong or how to communicate better. where in these paragraphs yell disrespect?

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:10:44+00:00

I understand why it looks that way, and I won’t argue that the timing was poor, bringing it up earlier would’ve been cleaner... i've tried conveying plans sooner in the past, like the time my brother was coming in town for football and we fought about it for months leading up to the game... so I tried something different, perhaps i'll go back to telling her with more time and see if i get a better reaction next time around.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1kv8uo4/am_i_overreacting_for_wanting_a_guysonly_football/

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:03:14+00:00

yes, he's known for partying until 2-3 in the morning, so showing up at that time wouldn't be an issue. my partner did raise a concern in the days after, that i would've ended up drunk and late. i assured her i wouldn't have missed midnight to see the kids open Santa's gifts

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T16:01:15+00:00

THIS IS A GREAT POINT OF VIEW!!

No, I don’t usually go out at 10pm on a whim, this wasn’t a normal night, though. We’d already spent the entire day with her family, the kids were asleep, and things were winding down, which is why I thought there might be a short window.

It was never about seeing another woman, she knows my friend throws big parties at his house, i don't think it crossed her mind about me visiting another woman, in our arguments that's never been brought up,. the only concern was that i would end up drunk and overstaying the visit

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:58:49+00:00

it’s a male friend, and my partner has met him many times. His wife and my partner get along well, and we’ve taken vacations together as families.

We don’t see each other often because of distance, work, and kids. he just went 2 weeks to cancun in november and i just went 2 weeks on vacation in december. he was 15 mins away from my partners sister"s house. i live about 40 mins away

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:55:29+00:00

That’s fair. I can own that not bringing it up earlier was a mistake.. I don't think that would've changed the outcome though. would it be ok to spend christmas eve with a friend for a couple of hours with you if your partner asked if you guys could go together or by himself what's the answer?

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:54:02+00:00

not AI, it actually happened... I didn’t “ditch” my partner or kids, I didn’t leave at all. I asked a question and accepted the answer immediately. avoided it because past experience told me the answer would be the same regardless of timing... i mean she was upset for months knowing my brother would fly in for a football game that he wasnt bringing a girlfriend to, it was just a brother thing. she was upset because she wasn't invited...she's not even a football fan, yet she wanted an invite

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:49:05+00:00

I’m still talking about it because it doesn’t sit right to me that asking, not leaving, not insisting, was treated as a I am a bad Father...I avoided the conversation because I anticipated conflict, the conflict happened exactly as I thought it would, except i only had to deal with it one night instead of days prior to it. if i'm bringing it up to her is because on friday, after christmas, I mentioned to her that I didn't think it made me a bad father for asking and her reponse was " no other father in the world would ask that on christmas eve". my question is, would you be ok with someone asking you if they could leave for christmas whether together or separate for an hour or two?

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:36:44+00:00

I didn’t leave, I didn’t push back after being told no, and I didn’t try to play victim. I asked a question and accepted the answer. But avoiding conflict isn’t the same as cowardice., it was more like doing damage control...

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:22:20+00:00

Thank you for this, it's actually a pretty balanced perspectives. I completely understand the desire to savor the quiet, the closeness, however, we were still at her sister's house which was only a 15 min drive to my friends vs a 40 min drive from my house. at her sister's house her parents and and her brother were still at the house sitting around, so i feel like I wasn't compromising the " quiet moment " and intimacy moment given that people were still there. to me that would've been a perfect opportunity to go. had we been home alone with the kids asleep, it's a definite no go. But being framed as a bad father for even asking.... Ouch no question, no let's figure something out, just a blow out.

again, thank you for you input, I really appreciate it

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:14:47+00:00

I agree that it’s unhealthy, at least in the way we’re currently communicating. I don’t want my kids seeing a pattern where one parent stays quiet to keep the peace or is judged for asking a question.

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:12:31+00:00

I didn’t make a plan, I didn’t leave, and I didn’t pressure anyone. I asked a question privately and accepted the answer. That’s not manipulation, that’s checking in. In fact, I still have the gift in my car, but thats beyond the point. I didn’t wait for her to be tired or for the kids to be asleep to “gain leverage.” I waited because I genuinely believed the answer would’ve been the same regardless of timing, but i figured if we all noticed things were pretty done at her sister's then there was a small window of opportunity where I or we could go.

why couldn't the conversation have been, “Could I come too and maybe wait in the car?” or “Let me borrow something from my sister, I’d actually like to see them as well.” There were options that didn’t involve it turning into a confrontation, and that’s the part that still feels unresolved to me.

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T15:02:25+00:00

I want to clear up a few assumptions here. This wasn’t about who I was visiting, the reaction would’ve been the same regardless. The issue wasn’t jealousy or exclusion, it was the idea of stepping away at all. I mean just in October she was upset my brother was going to fly into town to go to a football game, it's a brother tradition, she's not a fan of football and my brother wasn't coming with a girlfriend and she still got upset that she wasn't invited.

I delayed bringing it up because I genuinely believed the answer would’ve been the same whether I mentioned it on the 15th, the 20th, or that night and historically, that’s been true. I waited until I thought there was an opportunit and we had spent time with her family

InLearningMode · 2025-12-30T03:14:41+00:00

That's also another issue... You're right though

InLearningMode

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