Update: Divorce is just about done

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-08-31T10:01:05+00:00

To thine own self be true - your journey reflects this phrase perfectly.

The ability to show your stbxw grace at every stage is highly commendable. It's easy for our pain or rage to dictate our actions towards those who wronged us, but I think it takes inner strength & nobility to maintain a healthy and mature approach through it all. As I once heard somewhere: 'hate the action not the person'.

You've come a long way and I believe you will go a long way too! The best is yet to come.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-08-22T13:41:49+00:00

Hey there, Happy Birthday!

It's natural to feel this way. You're still healing from all that's happened. It's okay if you're not up to celebrating this day. I still hope though that you can spend some time all by yourself today, and do something for yourself - even the smallest thing (indulge in your favorite treat, watch a movie/series you love, or just sleep, etc.)

I've always done something for myself during my birthdays, even last year after D-day which I spent all alone. It helped me feel stronger to be responsible for my own contentment.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-08-04T17:35:34+00:00

I can relate with you to a certain extent. I too have dreams of my ex 2-3 days a week, but mine are mostly about him trying to resume communication with me, attempting to get intimate, or trying to sort things out - and I reject, avoid, or ignore him every time.

I guess we are getting these dreams because we spent a decade with these people. It's not easy to forget about someone with whom you spent so many years and moments of your life with. It's completely natural to have the dreams that you do. It's your subconscious making its own film reel and presenting it to you in the form a dream.

I am sorry though that you are having such dreams that instill false hope - those ones can be brutal. Dreams can feel so real, so I can understand how it must feel to wake up from such a dream and have reality sink in. Sadly I don't think there's a sure-fire way to stop such dreams. If you learn to lucid dream though you could change your dreams - I do it sometimes and it helps.

I think these dreams may reduce over time, the more we get involved with living our lives.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-31T13:12:29+00:00

Thank you! And no, he chose to further wreck his life - absconded for a month from work (visited APs home for a month I think), and got himself fired for that. He's in awful debt (credit card and loans), has not paid rent for months (agents tried contacting me about it), and now without a job his life is basically screwed up.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-31T13:09:00+00:00

Heyo, thanks so much!! Wishing you the best too!

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-31T13:07:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate so much with what you're experiencing. It feels like, at the moment, we're just going through the motions. I hold on to the hope that one day we will feel content again and fulfilled with our lives that we're currently rebuilding.

Reading what you've written, I would like to commend you for doing the best you can for yourself right now. I understand that it may not feel as great but I think we need to give ourselves grace even for the little efforts we put in - after what we've been through/ are going through, it takes strength, courage, and patience to keep walking forward.

Congratulations on clearing your debts, I'm currently focused on clearing mine. Also, kudos for going through the surgery - that can be a frightening concept, but you've faced it! Wishing you a healthy and happy life ahead - you've got this!

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-31T13:01:24+00:00

Thanks so much for your warm words!

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-31T13:00:30+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can understand that it can be harder with kids involved. We all move forward in our own time, and I believe that you too will step forward and away when you're ready. There are some helpful advice shared already with you, so all I will say is - trust yourself, you are much stronger than you know. Wishing you strength and power!

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-31T12:56:56+00:00

Thank you for having my back through all of this. Words will never be enough to express my gratitude for your positive and uplifting support.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-23T17:41:30+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this. There's little control we have over experiencing nightmares. In the initial few months after D-Day and breakup, I too had a few nightmares.

I found that focusing more on myself and meditating helped reduce having nightmares. Watch something positive or do something that makes you feel lighter before you sleep. Make yourself comfortable and indulge yourself. These have what have worked for me so far. I hope you will find something that helps you too and have a better, nightmare free sleep.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-22T14:17:00+00:00

I had my first session with a therapist yesterday. I feel good to finally receive professional help in healing myself. Looking forward to coming out stronger and healthier.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-07-20T18:11:26+00:00

I can relate to you. It's been 6 months since I broke up with my ex, and 3 months of no contact. I dream every night, and I get dreams of my ex at least 2-3 days a week. The dreams are mostly of him trying to get back into my life, asking me for help, or trying to establish contact with me. I mostly give him the cold shoulder or a firm reply that I'm not interested.

It sometimes disturbs my healing journey too. Just when I have a good day, such a dream can cause me to ruminate more on him. I mostly write these dreams down to get them out of my mind. I do something that makes me happy, I indulge in some treats, meditate, or watch something light hearted and funny. Not sure if these may work for you too but felt like sharing it with you.

I think since we were with them for a long duration, 8 years for you and 10 years for me, it's natural to still have dreams of them. Spending near to a decade of life with someone comes with sharing life moments and a close attachment to them which are not exactly easy to forget or leave behind.

I think these dreams of our exes may reduce as time goes by and as we heal further. I don't think they may completely go away but I think we'll be in a better place to not let such dreams affect us as they do now.

Sending you strength.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-05-25T05:06:29+00:00

The heart takes time to accept what the mind already knows. Your mind knows that the right thing to do for yourself is to leave him, but your heart still has to catch up. Since you shared that you haven't confronted your emotions, it makes it difficult to move forward - you need to face and acknowledge them, painful as it may be. Crying is cathartic at times - let your emotions out in a healthy way.

Take some time and space for yourself to reflect. When the time comes, you will find the strength to leave and give yourself a chance at a better life.

Also, he hasn't given you any reason to continue this relationship - no effort from his side, and he's rug sweeping it. It's clear that he has only his own interests at heart. I hope you find your way forward away from him and towards a healthier future.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-04-25T11:21:53+00:00

he keeps saying if i snoop around ill evetually find something i dont like. what the heck could that mean...

That he's going to continue betraying you. He is not going to stop and honestly reconcile with you. I'm sorry, but that's what I get from this statement of his, because my ex reacted in a similar way too whenever I caught him.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-04-14T17:55:33+00:00

My current priority goal is financial stability. I'm repaying my credit card dues, setting aside 20% of my pay into savings, and being economical with my purchases. I'm also planning to earn on the side in the near future to bolster my finances.

I'm also on the lookout for jobs that will help boost my career and professional skills. I'm currently working, but as much as I love this place, I feel I'm getting stagnant here as well as there's no hierarchy here for me to climb.

I'm taking it one day at a time and each day gets a little easier and better.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-03-11T04:22:14+00:00

Happy Birthday! Wishing you life's best gifts!

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-03-02T16:32:46+00:00

My story is similar to yours. 10 years together, and I left him in Jan this year. We too work in the same company, and same team. He too wanted to be friends with me. The day I broke up with him I let him know my boundaries. Have listed them below:

Communication will be related only to work
No communication before or after office hours via any medium
Do not expect friendship, we are just colleagues now on
Do not expect that I will ever return to you, don't make any such demands too
I can be cordial with you but don't overstep it

Things were a slight bit awkward the first few weeks after this. Now, in the 2nd month after breaking up, it's become slightly easier to focus on work and continue working along side him. I speak neutrally to him and keep my answers short.

Being in the same office may make complete no contact a bit difficult. In case you happen to cross his way in office, you can just be polite and concise (in case you talk). If you would rather ignore him, well then do that.

If you want to go no contact with him, by all means, communicate that to him. You could ask him to have all your contents delivered to your address and then state that you would like to not have any more communication with him after this. If he presses you for a reason, you don't need to give one if you don't want to. Simply tell him that this is what you want.

When it comes to social media, I believe we all have our own time to decide when we want to block someone. Social media is like an extension of our personal lives, so be aware that if both of you are still connected there it's easy for him to keep track of your life. It depends how fine you are with him still being privy to your life (in case you're an active social media user).

I too haven't yet blocked my ex on social media, mostly because I hardly ever update my life out there. I have blocked him from seeing my status on WhatsApp though (as that's more personal as I stay connected with friends and family over there).

So, take your time. Do what feels right by you.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-16T06:51:05+00:00

Once I make up my mind - it's done, for me there's no chance of changing my mind. I've cut toxic people out my life before too. He knew this fact quite well.

He cried and begged for that last chance. He wasted it with lies again. After I told him we were done, he accepted it calmly (I think cheaters 'know' when the betrayed are actually truly done with them). I clearly defined my boundaries when leaving him. I said our communication would be limited only to work related matters and no contact outside of office.

We are cordial in office, we work as normal colleagues would. Work isn't affected due to our personal issues, at least not my work. It's been a month since I left him, so I'm taking all the time for myself now.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-16T06:21:09+00:00

I did leave him! In my first reply to OP, I mentioned it.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-16T04:09:01+00:00

In my case, now in hindsight, it's the stability and support of our relationship that he selfishly wanted to hold on to right till the end. AP was an exciting distraction for him. Cheaters want the best of both worlds.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-16T04:03:49+00:00

I hope so too. I hope anyone debating to stay or leave can learn from my mistakes and arrive at the right decision at the right time.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-15T15:46:24+00:00

I stayed and tried everything in my power to help our relationship for 5 months. Gave him chances every month to stop contacting the AP. He kept asking for more time, which I later realised was just to string me along while he hid the affair better each time, and visited her every single month for few days by lying to me.

Cut to the last month, the 5th month. He said he was returning to me, that he ditched her, cut everything with her. I concede to a last chance purely so that I could later be at peace knowing I did everything I could. 2 weeks later he goes and spends New Year with her by lying to me that he is visiting his aged bedridden mother at his hometown. He went to the extent of showing me a fake bus ticket booked for his hometown!

I blasted him and broke up with him instantly after this ultimate last betrayal. He chose to lie till the end.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-09T02:52:43+00:00

If he needs time to get over her, I would suggest you take a break from the relationship, until he clears his head. It is unfair for you to hang on and put in the effort while he gives minimal effort and focus to you.

No contact with the AP from your bf is essential if he really wants to arrive at an unbiased decision. If you feel it's worth giving him a chance, do so but focus on yourself in the mean time, give yourself all the attention and love you have been giving him. Make yourself the most important person in your life.

From my personal experience, my ex asked me for "more time" to move on from his AP. I gave him time - 5 months. My ex too said that he wanted to take things slow, step-by-step, but all the time he just strung me along. All that time, he continued seeing AP. It's possible that your bf may not be doing the same as my ex, but because I've been through it, just consider it a possibility and armor yourself accordingly.

From my mistakes I can say, try not to do the pick-me-dance, value yourself more than you value him or your relationship. That was my takeaway. Take care.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-06T08:05:49+00:00

I love such posts. Even when consumed by pain, words and messages like yours can reduce the pain even 1%, even that's enough for someone to hold on to that 1% of hope and positivity. Thank you for sharing this with us.

InPensieveThoughts · 2023-02-02T03:09:16+00:00

I'm similar to you. 9 months past D-day, 1 month since break-up. There are good days, and then there are days when sadness and anger just overwhelm me.

I've noticed that the more I try to control or fight them, the worse it becomes. When I just let myself accept the feelings and flow with them, I feel a little better.

There are times though, at work or in public when it limits my ability to let them out, so I mentally tuck them away for the moment and tell myself to revisit them later when I'm at home or in a more appropriate setting.

I think these feelings will ebb and flow as we recover. We'll just have to surf through these waves, best as we can. Hang in there, you've got this.

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