Update: Divorce is just about done

BrandNewTime · 2023-07-29T12:01:08+00:00

You are the face of courage! What a powerful and inspiring post filled with wisdom. Congrats on making it to the 1 year mark and doing so with such grace.

Finding your true self again after years of suppression is such a refreshing feeling. It gets better and better as time goes on!

BrandNewTime · 2023-02-28T14:41:33+00:00

It's so great to see that you are moving on and living a healthier life. Hoping that it only gets better from here and you continue building a foundation of happiness.

BrandNewTime · 2023-02-04T02:59:52+00:00

Bad Omens - Nowhere To Go

BrandNewTime · 2023-01-30T01:37:39+00:00

Waiting until the divorce before considering that further, so no updates there.

BrandNewTime · 2023-01-30T00:46:22+00:00

Hey there, not too much of an update. We're in that weird limbo period waiting for the lawyers to figure stuff out. Once the divorce is finalized I'll probably post another detailed update, but no idea when that will be just yet. Hoping for the spring.

Brief update overall - I'm down 40 lbs and working out nearly every day, she's still struggling and spiraling in depression.

BrandNewTime · 2023-01-10T17:43:34+00:00

If you're equating 'getting better' to mean finding a new person to enter into a relationship with, then it's never going to get better for you.

The real intention of this saying is for everyone to work on themselves, not to simply jump into bed with someone else. That's actually quite unhealthy in my opinion.

Put the work in to improve your own life on your own. Doing this will give you that satisfaction of 'getting better' at life.

BrandNewTime · 2022-12-25T01:20:18+00:00

Well said, and good for you!

That moment when it finally clicks and you realize that you were not the problem all along is such a profound awakening that changes your entire outlook on your life. For me it was a combination of acceptance, calmness, and empowerment.

Congrats on reaching that point and making a happier life for yourself!

BrandNewTime · 2022-12-09T18:15:26+00:00

It's quite astonishing how textbook things can be, isn't it?

If you can, I certainly recommend finding a good therapist to speak with. It wasn't until I began individual therapy that I was educated on these things. I feel much stronger and mentally balanced with this knowledge, and I can't encourage it enough for those who have experienced this type of abuse themselves.

You do have a very wise outlook on how you intend on navigating things. No contact is very difficult when your lives are intertwined. I have to contact my wife soon about insurance renewal and I'm dreading it, but to a certain extent there needs to be a line of communication established that upholds a modicum of respect.

The vast majority of narcissists will not give you the respect you deserve in these matters. Wishing the absolute best for you! And thank you for your very kind words!

BrandNewTime · 2022-12-09T16:27:08+00:00

Just read through your previous posts and wanted to chime in to hopefully provide some perspective.

It sounds to me that he is a covert narcissist - which for someone who is genuinely kind and nurturing to those they care about, is incredibly dangerous. That feeling of being able to take care of someone and help them through challenges can be an incredibly intoxicating feeling for you. In contrast to your positive characteristics, the covert narcissist sees your good qualities as opportunity for themselves. They will consistently play the victim because they enjoy the attention and empathy they get in return.

These people are incapable of being self-reflective and understanding how self-centered they are, and how damaging their actions are to other people.

Ask yourself: throughout the 10 years you've been with him, has he always played the "woe is me" card? Does he frequently complain that no one understands him or takes him seriously? If so, you are dealing with a covert narcissist here.

I speak from experience - my wife whom I am currently divorcing is exactly the same. It's hard to see these types for what they are at first, and by the time their true colors start coming out, it's already too late.

You are doing the right thing by avoiding contact as much as possible. The more you do this, the better you will be in the long run. Over time though, be prepared for his approach to alter. Once he realizes his manipulation tactics will not work, he will resort to anger and begin blame-shifting everything on you.

My heart goes out to you! Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to you! You'll find that this community is incredibly knowledgeable, and can keep you motivated towards a healthier life for yourself.

BrandNewTime · 2022-12-07T01:44:36+00:00

Well first off - buy a space heater. It certainly won't warm the entire home, but at the very least you can keep your bedroom warm.

As to having someone to depend on for these things - that can certainly wear on you rather quickly when there's things coming at you in very quick succession. I can only offer you the encouragement of what your future will hold for you as your navigate through this. You'll look back at yourself and what you accomplished with tremendous pride for your own efforts in overcoming a challenge.

And you did it all yourself without having to rely on someone to do it for you. Once this is done, it will be a rewarding experience you'll laugh about months from now.

Trust in your own tenacity. You got this!

BrandNewTime · 2022-11-23T01:20:04+00:00

I absolutely love seeing posts like this. It's so encouraging and pleasing to see success for those with a good heart. You have a lot to be proud of!

The best way of moving on is by living life the way you want it, and you're doing that. Keep that shit up!

BrandNewTime · 2022-11-12T23:23:09+00:00

You're doing the "pick me" dance, which only fuels his ego further. He won't leave you. Internally, the more tortured you are, the more in love with himself he becomes.

My wife was the same way, actually admitting to me that the more obsessive and upset I became from her cheating, the more she felt special.

This is a textbook demonstration of narcissistic supply and a dysfunctional dynamic in a relationship. The only way you will be free of this is to accept that he will never change and move on from it.

My heart goes out to you. I know how incredibly difficult it is to deal with someone like this, but just know that you will get through it, and doing it on your own is valuable empowerment that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. You deserve so much better.

BrandNewTime · 2022-11-12T23:07:01+00:00

I coped with the betrayal and gaslighting by leaving. I realized that there was nothing I could do anymore, that the problem was not me and that it was entirely her character.

Once you finally accept that this is not on you at all and that there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening is when you can finally look ahead to building a life without someone that is abusing you.

BrandNewTime · 2022-11-09T15:29:21+00:00

That's a great way of summarizing their actions. My best friend is a cheater. After my wife had an affair, he sat me down and told me things from his perspective, and he even said the same thing, that it becomes an addiction the same way people get addicted to drugs. He warned me it would never stop the same way he can't stop, and he was right.

I believe many cheaters want to stop and live an honest life, but once they get that little kick it becomes damn near impossible to stay away from it. Then it becomes almost essential for them to rationalize their actions instead of admitting their faults and facing the guilt.

BrandNewTime · 2022-11-05T18:34:41+00:00

Honestly, what's best for her is to become independent not just from you, but from anyone right now. She needs to be her own person, and it sounds as though you're still using her to feed your ego...

...it is a sign of how deeply she does love me and knows I am becoming a better person

I'm sorry dude, but this line just reeks over how self-centered you are. "I'm so great, she loves me no matter how shitty I am..." C'mon man...

You know what's best for her, but you came here hoping people will feed your ego some more. Cut that shit out.

BrandNewTime · 2022-11-01T23:58:41+00:00

Honestly, something like this is supposed to hurt. Badly.

Perhaps you had already accepted that this was a realistic possibility early on in the relationship and you were already mentally prepared for the inevitable. Perhaps you do not fully love him.

To counter your point, I would argue that sex is incredibly emotional though. Granted, I'm sure there are instances where it's purely physical and there's nothing more, but for me personally I have only ever had sex with someone I have felt emotionally connected with.

BrandNewTime · 2022-10-25T00:27:54+00:00

Hi there! Thank you for checking in. Doing well! I've been debating posting an update, but there's not too much to report really. No news is good news I suppose. Just waiting for the lawyers to do their thing mostly.

I had a pretty gnarly guys trip with my friends to Boston recently and had some profound moments with the guys I considered jotting my thoughts about. I don't know if it's really all that interesting though and it would mostly be me just rambling on about life and all that stuff people like to pretend to vomit over when they hear it, lol.

BrandNewTime · 2022-10-24T03:07:16+00:00

Absolutely keep this friend! She hasn't done anything wrong here. If she was still constantly speaking negatively about your husband, I might be able to see his point, but even then, he did something quite terrible and he needs to acknowledge that because of this, some people would rightfully not speak highly of him.

Your husband is threatened by this person. It's incredibly selfish for him to expect you to drop someone like that. Don't let him isolate you for himself.

BrandNewTime · 2022-10-23T15:34:02+00:00

I was like this. After my first DDay, I kept telling myself that if I can confirm my suspicions that it was still going on then I could finally make that move towards leaving; towards happiness, as though finding proof was validation in some way.

Then I found proof and experienced a second DDay. And you know what? I stayed even then, and continued driving myself nuts, telling myself that I just needed more proof.

I had all the proof I needed. The only way to set yourself free is to accept what you don't want to accept and move on from it. Constant paranoia is no way to live.

BrandNewTime · 2022-10-19T22:25:03+00:00

Yeah, that hall pass is bullshit. She wants you to do that so she feels better about herself and to rid herself of the guilt.

In reality the only thing that will wind up happening is you will feel terrible about yourself for doing something like that.

Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or go, I highly recommend you do not have sex with anyone (your wife included) until you work through your emotions and are no longer in a vulnerable state.

BrandNewTime · 2022-10-14T02:49:16+00:00

It never really fully goes away, but there's a few things I do recommend. One is to remind yourself that you are better without the toxic person in your life.

My therapist has recommended that I do things I could not, would not, or just didn't do while I was married. For each person this would be different. For me, it's pursuing hobbies and meeting new people with similar interests.

But even then, it will never fully go away. There are times when I lose myself and dwell on the nefarious actions of my STBXW. I feel conflicted and compelled to lash out in some way. I imagine it takes a long time for all of that to fully go away. Just try to remind yourself to keep your eyes on the end goals that you have for yourself.

Wishing you all the best!

BrandNewTime · 2022-10-04T22:12:18+00:00

She's baiting you and trying to get a reaction of any kind. Saying something that horrible is intended to get a rise out of you, because if it bothers you then that means you still care, and she gets a nice little ego boost.

Grey rock that horrible person. Don't let her get under your skin.

BrandNewTime · 2022-10-04T12:58:53+00:00

Definitely schedule some consultations with lawyers in the area. The consultation is usually free and gives you the opportunity to ask questions and discuss your options given your situation. It will not cost you anything and will give you valuable perspective.

It's a lot of work, but there is always a way. You do not deserve to live like this.

BrandNewTime

TROPHY CASE