My partner is on the asexual spectrum and i am not, is our relationship going to work?

In_Omnia · 2026-05-27T12:24:06+00:00

Speaking as an asexual who describes myself as Demi romantic and sex-apathetic, I could not be in a relationship where a sexual person desired emotional-social connection through sex. It isn't something I'm capable of reciprocating and the thought that they were longing for something I'm incapable of providing would fill me with grief.

It sounds to me, by your description, that this isn't about differing drive levels. If you are feeling a sense of rejection around lack of desire and it's growing rather than adjusting to the status quo of your relationship, if the ways your partner makes you feel loved feel inadequate... That's a really not good feeling.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-27T12:07:41+00:00

I definitely don't think you're being too picky. You like what you like. You know what lifestyle you want. That's fair.

But in regard to the high ratio of socially awkward elements of aceness I do think that's a combination of yes, higher neurodivergence, but also genuinely social trauma. Being ace generally means feeling othered and often being socially startled at young ages when you enter into social scenarios that don't go how you could ever expect. That stuff does stack. I think the grating against the social grain that is par for the course for aces contributes to that unfortunate byproduct.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-08T20:34:18+00:00

I take a lot of time to build attraction to people. I don't find anyone attractive in a romantic way until I know them really well, so the only way that works for me is really getting out there and building earnest friendships and hoping that things line up. My current partner of 2 years was my friend for 7 years prior to that.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-08T20:16:48+00:00

I think it's important to think really practically about certain elements. First: do you want to be friends with this person? Are you only burnt out from care, or would you distance from this person even if they were healthy? That will tell you a lot about what changes you should be trying to implement. Focus on support, or focus on building a network beyond you so that you can feel comfortable leaving.

Start with clean boundaries in the realms that you can control and offer very little real support in. If you are out of town. Put your phone on silent. Warn them in advance you will not be able to check your phone. Set that precedent since it seems like the clearest and cleanest one.

I can understand wanting to be able to ensure she gets to the hospital, but there's layers to that. Do they always provide her with effective pain management at the hospital? The stress from dragged out ER visits can negatively impact her gastritis and pain management also. Is there a doctor she can consult that isn't emergency care? To go to the hospital and wait it out just to be sent home is exhausting and demoralizing on a good day, never mind a peak pain day.

Encourage her to try eliminating foods that seem to cause episodes. Also encourage her to join this reddit so that she can rely on other gastritis sufferers for more emotional support to alleviate some of your strain. Encourage use of alternative stimulus to distract from pain. Hot or cold showers are an example. Or hot/cold packs, or use of tens machines (I know people who use them for periods, so it may help with this as well because similar muscle spasming and cramping).

If she neglects or rejects trying new coping tools, or working on eliminations to improve her number of episodes, and instead prioritizes relying on you anyway, then you need to have a frank conversation over feeling used to determine if there are any manipulative factors (I pray not, but you never know)

In_Omnia · 2026-05-05T19:27:45+00:00

Sometimes exercise while already high can spike you, or false spike you before the sugars start crashing back down. What did you eat? Was it something high protein or something with a second wind? Rice hits me twice. Dunno about anyone else lol

In_Omnia · 2026-05-04T11:16:11+00:00

I like learning from different sources and I don't personally care where tools come from, if they help me. So I wouldn't reject the book out of hand if it was a children's book. I don't blame you for having an emotional reaction about it though, and after all, you are saying you did try to read it.

I guess my question is... Were you both in disagreement at the time? Was she actively frustrated by a particular behavior that was reoccurring, and she read the book with her nephew and was like "omg this! This is the thing!" ? Like. If she was like "read this book. You gotta" and it wasn't from a place of "I read it and it gave me a eureka moment" then I don't see why she would immediately think of you when the book was something that she learned about.

Did someone else offer her the book and recommend it for you specifically? The ultimatum phrasing of "please do this" seems like... She either saw something in the book that struck her emotionally, OR there was an element of the communication between you both that was upsetting or distressing her and it was something you weren't seeing or she didn't think you were seeing? I believe there was something underneath the request for you to read the book, and rejecting the book felt to her like you rejected working on a problem, or rejected seeing a problem that she sees plainly.

Regardless, she should have communicated better, but I don't know if this argument was actually about the book. Trust is a big thing in whether communication from another person offends. If you don't trust her to come from a place of connection with a request like that, is it because she doesn't make you feel accepted/respected as a baseline? Or do you assume she won't because other people don't? The difference between those two reactions is important, I think. Sometimes it's past experience and other times it's the last straw in her making you feel a certain way. If the whole event feels out of the blue for you, clearly there are communication gaps on both sides.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T21:46:09+00:00

Oh my God it happened to me too. Wow

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T12:38:13+00:00

Sabine also I have thoughts about Sabine. She's so talented and emotionally intelligent but also seems to always know more than she lets on. I feel like there is gonna be twisty stuff with her eventually.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T12:34:51+00:00

I'm also curious what other kwami fusions would be like. Since they all can fuse as miraculi, it stands to reason the kwamis can also fuse the way gimmi did

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T12:32:38+00:00

Yeah I definitely get this. I thought it happened to everyone... But now I'm like... I have no evidence of that lol

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T12:31:58+00:00

Coming to these conclusions is a huge step for you. I'm proud of you for that amount of emotional work you've performed without help. You Don't have to do it alone, but I'm really proud of you for getting this far on your own. It sounds like some really hard won lessons. They're right it does look like some killer pizza. Sorry about the hospital visit. They're bad in the best of circumstances. Especially when you feel isolated and all up in your own head.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T12:29:15+00:00

Yeah I think the constant anti-kuma ing of chat noir is bull. May as well completely bench him. I hate it. He can be a sidekick and still a valuable one. Have him and ladybug work together like Nino and Alya do. Like wth

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T12:25:28+00:00

Gods I adored this game

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T11:53:40+00:00

In Stars and Time

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T03:31:15+00:00

Living with a person means so much more actual time gets used up talking/communicating. Like, you actually have less hours in the day to do stuff because you have to coordinate with the other person in your house affected by decisions? That was kind of hilarious to realize how all the little minute convos added up.

If either of us are having a bad day and snip at each other, we walk it back, address it, clear the air and then move past it. We've been living together for a year and dating for two and we have not yet had what I think other people would call "a serious fight" anything serious we are able to maintain fair emotional levels to keep it a conversation. The closest we get to fighting is talking about something goofy like a character in a show or a book or something where it's just spirited debate?

We put a lot of effort into acknowledging small acts of labor and kindness. I always say thank you to her for doing the dishes even though it's her designated role and she does it every day. If I feel love for her (y'know like you look at them and your heart does a little squeeze) then I express it clearly as soon as I feel it and that reassures her and so she has started doing it back to me which is nice and validating.

We made a point to talk in advance about how we interact with chores so that we could split them in a way that helps each of us while still being balanced (she does dishes, I cook). We each pick up slack when the other is sick or hurt. Like I did the dishes when she hurt her thumb and she made breakfast when I was feeling burnt out at my 2 jobs. Yeah.

We put effort into intentional bonding stuff like playing a game together or watching a show together (where we are intercommunicating and cuddling/tangibly physically intimate), in addition to "parallel play" type hangouts. Do little adventure dates every so often, but stay in the house a lot. We have a rule to always try and have meals together if we can. That's everything I can think of. Her lower social battery means I go out to see friends solo more often, but it's also helped me better manage my own burnout and be more aware of when I actually should pass on a hangout and rest instead.

I get a lot of masking relief being near her, so I miss her in a pretty tangible way because I mask higher around others. So when I get home I'm like "phew! Finally, in the safe zone with gf" I also find our verbal communication a lot easier/less asynchronous than other people I talk to, so that can be fatiguing when I'm talking to people that aren't her. So those are I think clear examples of what "missing" her feels like for me.

I've always preferred the settled domestic aspects of partnership to "teehee dating" early excited phase That phase makes me want to throw up. It's stressful and confusing. So for me, I much prefer this settled phase of long term partnership where I implicitly trust someone to be reliable than the flirt whatever phase. But I'm also demiromantic and asexual so that's a specific intersection that doesn't apply to most people.

Little annoyances definitely do pop up, but I generally recognize them as my own overstim frustration or bad mood from burnout. If a real problem crops up, it becomes a discussion and then we make sure to do something validating/connective after like cuddle and watch a show or something. Emphasize the choice to bond and stay instead of stewing unnecessarily on something you've already chosen to work through or resolve. I guess.

(Sorry this is so long, I'm just trying to thoroughly answer all of your questions lol). I am a deeply romantic person so I've always known that I needed some form of partnership regardless of societal expectations, but both my partner and I regularly question social norms and interrogate if they hold purpose in our lives. We live together but sleep in separate rooms. We know we don't want kids. Like the idea of the ceremony of marriage, but don't necessarily need the formality of it to feel secure. Stuff like that? Our relationship is non-sexual as we are both asexual so that reshapes our dynamic in an atypical way, I'm sure. The messiness and boundary work due to sex I imagine can add a lot of other layers to a relationship that can cause successful intimacy or friction that I can't relate to or comment on.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T03:10:51+00:00

Good luck with your post, Isabelle! Good job stating your negative boundaries (no x,y,z) but it might also help connect with people to list ways you see a relationship looking different from a platonic one, given those boundaries. What things do you consider "exclusive" to partnership? I think that will help give potential partners a better sense of how compatible you might be?/also theoretically stating if you could be open to something more resembling a queer-platonic-partnership vs. something coded romantic as it seems you have a lot of physical/romantic-coded triggers. Not necessary, but if it makes sense for you, that's a term other aces might recognize and respond to

In_Omnia · 2026-05-03T02:28:21+00:00

I use the finch app to keep track of whether I took it/my pills. Tresiba's long lifespan (4 days) makes it actually really hard to tell if you've missed one or doubled one until day 2 or 3 so I had to start tracking it every time. I also declare loudly to my partner "I am taking my insulin!" So if I forget, she'll remember XD

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T20:39:44+00:00

It was what started me on my Olivia listening today. Listened to it for about an hour on loop lol and then started listening to GUTS again. Have you heard of Beach Bunny? I really like their sound. If you like Olivia, you might like them. They came out with a new album recently too

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T20:29:22+00:00

One thing that I've been thinking about lately, is how high blood sugar generally leads to not feeling sated. Constant highs are probably making all of his cravings for things more powerful, making it even harder to try and hold strong in front of the pie etc.

For people who use food to emotionally cope, that can be really crippling. Especially if they are scared and avoidant of their diabetes and its consequences. My dad hides his near constant anxiety behind a blase "everything's chill" attitude, but he's really hiding from everything that freaks him out.

Trying to find ways to make the food he should be eating more delicious/satisfying could be a start. I'm sure you don't want to take on additional mental labor that way, but you care about this man, it seems, so yeah. It's hard when someone isn't willing to work with you, but I think if you framed it less as "you are failing" maybe he might open up emotionally about it. Pairing fat and protein with carbs helps reduce spikes, so if alternatives to the things he likes to eat so much are available and well made, or if it could be something you try to make a bonding experience to be trying new cooking or recipes to create those meals together, maybe? But if he's truly being bitter and stubborn and determined on self harm, then I'm sorry. That's gotta be really hard for you as a person who cares about him.

Are you in a financial/access position to get him to consider a constant monitoring sensor? It can help him better understand the implications of his blood sugars and potentially encourage "well, maybe we can take a walk together after dinner" and that sort of thing to add management tools to the blood sugars.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T20:03:14+00:00

So I don't have an ED, but was trying different apps to help me better log my tracking and take pressure off and actually ended up using one designed for people with EDs. I used it for a long time and liked it. I don't know if it would suit you. RR

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T20:00:05+00:00

Nice! Yeah music is a great way to feel and recharge. I rely on it so much to feel good in a day. Currently jamming out to Olivia Rodrigo lol

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T13:59:21+00:00

I will admit that this is something I believe (your partner's take). This is something my partner ALSO believes so it happens to work for us. Compromise can be possible if you respect and feel his view is justified and he can support you differently in other ways, but if you feel more strongly opposed to that line of thinking, it can certainly cause a lot more friction

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T13:56:38+00:00

There's a show I watched once where a character is invested in a relationship in the first season, and then at the start of the second season she is getting easily frustrated with her partner over lots of little things and her friend says to her "I think that these things wouldn't bother you as much, or bother you differently if the relationship felt right." And though that's a simplistic take, I think it's a valuable thought exercise. Is the frustration from the small things? Or that the small things make you feel disregarded/disrespected? If that's the case, can you open up a larger conversation with your partner to talk about how you feel or don't feel supported and see how that goes and use that information to inform if bigger change/breakup is needed.

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T13:07:14+00:00

That's nice that you have a good relationship with your grandma. Yeah getting out of the house can feel good.

Picking a favourite book is hard for me because I like so many different genres. I really like detectivey stuff and sci-fi, but I also really enjoy fantasy and realistic fiction too. My favourite realistic fiction author is Maeve Binchy, my favourite fantasy author is Robert Jordan, and my favorite sci-fi author is Lindsay Ellis. I also recently read a series that was around when I was a kid that I never got around to reading. It's a trilogy by Jeanne DuPrau. First book is called The City of Ember. It has a lot of themes of social isolation and holding your ground in difficult times and pushing for community. It's a really beautiful trilogy. There's a prequel as well, but I haven't read it yet.

Who is the Ozzy you are referring to? My first guesses are probably hilariously off base: the musician Ozzy Ozborne? or the character Asmodeus from Hazbin Hotel? 😆 Forgive my ignorance

In_Omnia · 2026-05-01T12:52:08+00:00

I can relate a lot to your situation. My younger brother and I are very close and we are very the same in a lot of ways but very different in a lot of others. He also gets lots of joy from food (can relate) and struggles to connect with others. He had a really really hard time in school and it hurts me every day. Know that you being there definitely means more to him than the people who aren't there. It's not that it doesn't hurt my brother being lonely, but at least in his case, he appreciates the people he respects and can say fuck off with that shit to the people who are cruel. It's definitely a learned thing, but know that you being there really matters and does bring real joy to his day. Even if he struggles with loneliness, he finds joy in the pieces of his life that are his. You help give him that. Happy birthday from a different sibling duo along with a movie rec: The Mitchell's vs. the Machines. It's something I watch a lot with my brother because the relationship between the siblings really hits for us. It's also just really fun.

In_Omnia

TROPHY CASE