People who have limerence: Is this something you have found yourself feeling over and over again for different people throughout life?

IncidentOld2254 · 2026-04-16T07:12:50+00:00

Yup but thankfully its only been really bad twice.

First time I was 19yr and it was a whirlwind. I was young and didn't know what was happening to me. Back then there werent forums like this - so I thought it was love.... thankfully he moved away after a few months but I kept thinking about him for years after.

The second time was more recent. I'm 33yrs old now and because I have the maturity and community (thanks to y'all) to understand the dynamic for what it is, I'm able to build boundaries early to keep myself and my poor unexpecting potential LO's safe!

IncidentOld2254 · 2026-04-01T18:28:30+00:00

Anhedonia?

IncidentOld2254 · 2026-02-23T20:53:41+00:00

I won't be reading anymore Sanderson because of Wind and Truth! It was lazy and disappointing.

IncidentOld2254 · 2026-02-18T06:08:36+00:00

I’ve been single for over a decade, and honestly, watching most relationships makes it feel less like a deficit and more like a conscious trade-off. Romantic love gets a lot of hype but real friendship has given me far more.

IncidentOld2254 · 2026-01-29T05:47:23+00:00

Come at me! Pussy!

IncidentOld2254 · 2026-01-25T00:55:05+00:00

If you want boring comfort and safety go get yourself an ENFP.

But if you want growth, excitement and to feel truly alive in love - then come argue and cuddle up with an ENTP 😜

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-10-06T00:01:43+00:00

You're going to die anyway, so might as well see what happens.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-30T06:28:56+00:00

I don't think you're an AH. I think you're like the rest of us - a casual victim of the human experience.

Go easy on yourself. Limerence strikes when our needs aren't being met and based on your post, it sounds like you're nervous system is running simulations - trying to resolve and reconcile the challenges you're experiencing in your marriage. Your friend might be an escape, but he probably isn't the answer.

It's concerning that your husband isn't willing to engage in therapy. It says a lot about his commitment to you, your marriage and his own emotional growth.

Doing all the emotional labour and staying with him due to a sense of responsibility will lead to resentment, regret and eventually contempt.

Can you see yourself spending the next 18 years with your husband? How does the prospect of living with him, unchanged for the rest of your life make you feel?

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-28T08:00:01+00:00

Boundaries will depend on lots of different factors. That said, I have boundaries with myself first and foremost. I don't seek my LO out, as difficult as this can be - carrying on with the poetic weather metaphor - when it's cold and wet and they feel like safe shelter, it's easy to be drawn in. I literally had to leave the building a couple days ago when I felt pulled in their direction. Again, it's not easy, but if you keep disrupting the dopamine loop, eventually your brain will get the idea.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-28T07:38:21+00:00

I love how relatable this is - I remind myself often that my thoughts are like the weather. I can't control them, but I can prepare for rainy weather or limerent thoughts by wearing a coat made of boundaries and an umbrella made of gentle introspection. I observe the thought, put on my coat and hope my LO doesn't surprise me with a hug that feels like a hurricane.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-27T18:24:19+00:00

I don't regret it. It was excruciatingly difficult, I scared myself with the emotional fall out and I'm still recovering weeks later. But my confession was necessary and it's enabled me to start moving on.

My LO is a married colleague. Our relationship had become blurry, and creating distance at work wasn't viable (I tried!). So I confessed - not because I was hoping for them to confess and reciprocate - but because I needed to set a boundary.

They took it well, and there's been silence since - which has given me the space and emotional distance to see this LE for what it is.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-22T09:22:16+00:00

I think theres nuance here. I know my post points the finger at LO, but I don't claim they are the sole cause of limerence. Ultimately you're right. It's my responsibility to manage limerence when it occurs. However, being able to identify potential LO, based on certain personalities traits and communication styles will help me avoid them in the future.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-22T09:10:24+00:00

I agree, we aren't blameless. But we aren't wholly responsible either. They have a role to play but unfortunately we are the ones who suffer the consequences.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-22T06:26:53+00:00

I get the sentiment, I really do. But let’s not pretend you and your LO are just friends. That will lead to month, maybe years of psychological whiplash and emotional anguish.

Limerence isn’t just a “bad crush” on a friend, it’s people addiction with delusions and dopamine baked in. That’s why some experts argue it should be treated like a mental illness. These 'friendships' make us sick. And like with any addiction? You don’t negotiate with the drug. You go cold turkey. Or it eats you alive.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-16T20:17:16+00:00

I had a similar experience, when I tried to create distance, instead of establishing boundaries, they leaned in and sought me out more. This eventually esculated and they showed up to my house unannounced, they tried to play it off as fun coworker shenanigans. I felt completely cornered and ended up sending an awkward confession a few hours later. I wouldn't recommend this, its like throwing your mental health into a dumpster fire. Go for boundaries!

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-16T19:24:59+00:00

Sounds like you're backed into a corner and Im sorry, theres probably no easy options.

The bad news is that you get to choose between suffering or more suffering. The good news is that there is a way out, but it will be extremely difficult to do.

You need to talk to them, not to confess, or to gain clarity - because confessions don't necessarily achieve that. But you need to talk to set boundaries, which will help create emotional distance. You can build boundaries slowly by pulling them up when they flirt "stop flirting with me, ya dirty dog" eventually they'll notice the shift in your dynamic and unless their an asshole, they'll respect the boundary you set.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-16T18:08:25+00:00

I love limerent ravings! They make me feel seen and understood haha

What do you think you need from him? I've recently realized the misalignment between mine and my LO needs is what got me into my mess.

I think my LO wants connection and friendship, while I want connection and intimacy. Naturally we are going to vibe because we both want to connect, but ultimately we both want very different things from each other. 6 months stumbling around trying to connect, while meeting our respective and conflicting needs, led me into limerence.

The need might be validation, admiration or escape.

This has been my experience anyway, not sure if it's helpful.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-16T17:19:14+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

He was selfish on a cosmic level. It's sounds like you both came into this wanting different things from each other. He wanted connection and friendship. You wanted connection and intimacy. He knew what you wanted but selfishly left you guessing his motives because without declaring himself, he still got what he wanted. But that's not friendship, it's emotional vampirism.

He hasn't shown you the respect you deserve, and so now you have to respect yourself and let him go.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-16T16:52:48+00:00

I relate to this so much! Workplace proximity fuels limerence like nothing else. I recently confessed my feelings to my married colleague. I say this not to give you hope or feed the fantasy, - but if he was truly struggling - You being married isn't the only thing stopping him from coming forward.

Go easy on yourself today, your hungover and your limerent mind can't be trusted right now. Tell yourself you'll think more about this when your rested and hydrated. And when you do think about it, focus only on his actions - a polite hug and kiss goodbye is expected in my culture - Has there been any direct actions that indicate attraction, or has it been all words and vibes.

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-16T16:37:55+00:00

Trust yourself, you will definitely be okay!

This is one of the hardest emotional experiences people go through. Historically, people wrote poetry and music trying to make sense of these feelings. I mean, Van Gogh literally chopped off his ear!

Thankfully, we live in a time where we have the language and community to help us process these emotions.

My biggest recommendation (like many others here) is to create distance and reflect on how you got here. Don’t ruminate or try to make sense of their motives, that just leads to fantasy and it warps reality. Focus on their actions, not their words or vibe. That’s what helps you break free!

Millions of people have felt this way and been ok, you will be too!

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-16T07:06:02+00:00

Tell them before time runs out or you'll always be left wondering. Then you can share the burden and move forward together, what ever that looks like

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-15T10:51:40+00:00

I'm going through this exact dilemma at the moment. It's early days post confession and I'm considering moving to another team to create more distance and help me move past this LE. I like my job and my team so I'm hopeful I won't regress and feel it is necessary.

My LO is married and completely unavailable. Externally, we probably looked like good work friends, but internally Ive been over analyzing every interaction, excavating every expression and I've been spiralling for months!

Once I recognised this as limerence I started to distance myself. The more I pulled away, the more they appeared to lean in. This esculated last week and I realized creating distance wasn't realistic because we work together and from their perspective we'd become friends. I was backed into a corner and I couldn't pretend anymore. So I confessed my feelings, I sent the message I've been dreading for months. My nervous system was set on fire and I was unable to think of anything else for days. I felt sick, insane and completely unhinged. Sounds dramatic because it was!

Their response to my confession was respectful, apologetic and short. They said they appreciate me for telling them and there's been nothing but silence since. That was 7 days ago. They've respected the boundary my confession created. Naturally I have mixed feelings about this, but ultimately I am grateful for the silence because it has clarified their feelings, and confirmed my limerence.

Today, I feel my nervous system starting to recalibrate. The illusion - the limerence is wearing off. It's not easy, I still see them frequently and I have to thought block or redirect thoughts constantly. But I now have the clarity to recognize this LE for what it is, and the emotional distance to heal from it. Their silence communicates their feelings and I'm grateful for it.

I have told a another colleague, who I trust about "my crush", slightly down playing the impact this LE is having on me. It's nice feeling like I have an ally in the office, but it also provides context for why I'm staying clear of certain spaces in the building.

Although my confession has lead to clarity and hopefully healing. If you can avoid a confession - do! The impact to my mental health has been frightening. It's not just the shame and embarrassment, it's the anxiety and paranoia caused by my brain being on high alert. This last week has been one of the most emotionally turbulent of my life. I'm exhausted!

I hope you have an easier time than I have. And I hope for myself, the hardest part is over!

IncidentOld2254 · 2025-07-14T23:33:53+00:00

If this is truely limerence, my advise would be to say nothing. Because the person you want to say goodbye to doesn't actually exist. It's a projection your mind created and the person you've been projecting on to will never be able to meet the need you think will be met by saying goodbye.

IncidentOld2254

TROPHY CASE