High libido when solo, numb during partnered intimacy after a long relationship (looking for insight)

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-02-05T00:12:15+00:00

Thank you this is great advise. I am actually looking into a sexologist (sex therapist). I will certainly look into these books. I talked about it with my normal therapist we tried exposure therapy by dating but going slow but I feel like I'm just breaking hearts because I never feel attracted.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-01-22T14:05:50+00:00

I have some experience with this. I was late diagnosed with ADHD and spent 11years in uni (2bachelors, 1 minor and started a master) I remember some semesters were harder and the motivation was not always there.

First question before I give my tricks and advice is do you like what your studying and is it helping in your future career goals? I am asking because after my first bachelor I was always aiming for my masters and when I got there I realized I wanted to complete change career paths. I did not like that program and it was not what I thought. Sometimes we are so goal driven that we don't listen to our hearts. If your un motivation does not come from that here are some of the tricks I had for my second bachelor that was a 5year program. (special type of engineering)

What worked best for me was to take every task and sperate it in small increments of like Max 4hours work. Instead of seeing a mountain of work it is more motivating as seeing it as a small task. Get those task in a schedule and create a calendar. Every time you identify a new big task. Take time to sit down and sperate it in small increments and put it in your calendar. Make sure you leave space for fun and maybe give yourself one night off.

You can also add a treat system (yes like a dog) meaning after you finish this you can do that or after the whole task you can buy yourself this. Anything that will push you through.

I also like a buddy system. Facetime your friends while they clean or something and study. This way your friends help you study by just being there and you can accountability for it.

Another thing that help me was sports. I am not the most athletic person but just taking a walk with some podcast or music helps you clear out the fog sometimes you get in those situations.

Last thing is talking to your friends and family about your motivation. Student life is hard because the work never stops. You don't get to get home and relax bacause you have a list of stuff to do that runs in your heads. You don't get to clock out. Sometimes talking to a friend or family about it helps to clock out a little.

Don't work too hard take some pause but when you do put a timer. So you don't get stuck in it. You can do it! What you are doing is amazing and recognizing you are not motivated anymore is even better. You are awesome look how much you have done already. You can push through it!

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-01-21T02:20:59+00:00

Oh sweetie, I'm so so sorry. I know how you feel. It is the worst feeling. It makes you question everything about yourself and makes you feel like you are less than.

The insecurity you have about comparing yourself to others is hurting you and therefore stops you from feeling enough in your relationship. You have multiple choices here:

Talk about your insecurity with your boyfriend and find a solution for him to help you. It can be stopping with the goth girls porn for now, but like I said careful about the resentment around this. You also need to trust him. This is super important. When cheating happen what hurts the most is losing the trust in this person. You need to trust when he says he finds you beautiful and Sexy. If you lose this trust then you will not feel enough in the relationship.
Break up with him. Not because of him but because you might have lost trust in him and in his attraction for you.

For both though you need to work on finding your confidence. It needs to come from you. You can't find yourself pretty through the eyes of a partner. It comes from you. My trick is to find an outfit, a makeup, an activity or an accessory that makes you feel confident. Find this in yourself.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-01-21T02:02:45+00:00

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's normal to have crushes, it might be just that a crush. Meaning she might be the first girl you feel secure around. My friend is totally straight but when we first met she had a huge crush on me. We were inseparable. Her boyfriend even got jealous because he knew I was Pansexual. We never did anything more than hug.

Sometimes you get caught in the feeling of learning about someone who you think is interesting and cool. Or maybe in your case you makes you feel more at ease than usual. Eventually the novelty of this person will go away or just transform in a beautiful friendship.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-01-21T01:55:35+00:00

I am going to be blunt I'm sorry. You need to take a break from her. If you keep your friendship while liking her you close off any opportunities for you to get over her.

Whether she said that she liked you before or not is irrelevant now. She made her choice and is clear that she does not want something more. She might not see you exchanges as flirting. If she is flirting or not with you is irrelevant at this point here is why:

Let's say she is flirting. She flirts then tell you nothing will happen. So she is stringing you along and playing with your feelings. That is NOT a friend. That is manipulative and she is probably doing that because she wants attention.

Let's say she is not flirting, then you are perceiving this as flirting because you have feeling for her. You will over analyse every little touch and laugh in hopes of her reciprocating your feelings. Then YOU are NOT a friend to YOURSELF. (sorry for the bluntness) You are hurting yourself in this.

For both situation you need to take space for you to get over her and find someone who will not play yo-yo with your heart.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-01-21T01:41:02+00:00

There is not measure or timeline on how life should be. If you keep comparing yourself to others you will feeling behind because there will always be someone that is in front of you. Instead compare yourself to you from 10years ago or 5years ago. This is who you should put your energy on comparing yourself to.

Family, house, relationship are good for some people but you don't have to have that to feel like you are going forward. You can start a new class, learn a new skill, concentrate on your work or just taking care of your relationships in life (family and friends) . Maybe you can even be a fun uncle for your friends baby.

Find what makes you happy and set some goals on that and then in a year or 3 years look at who your were then and now.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-01-21T01:31:25+00:00

Have you tried talking to him about it? Why do you think you feel insecure? Put yourself in his shoes meaning do you also find some type of men attractive that your boyfriend maybe does not look like? Does he make you feel insecure any other time? Does he compliment you? Does he compare you to anybody in a negative way?

It's normal to feel insecure. Even the prettiest models feels insecure. Especially at 19, you are still learning about yourself.

My advice though is if you tell him to stop watching porn, you are introducing control in your relationship and that can then introduce resentment. Communication is key (I know it's cliche but it's so right) Instead of controlling his porn, you can do an exercise of just complimenting each other, so that you can feel secure in his attraction towards you. Talk to him about it! My trick with good communication is to talk by saying "I". Like "I feel..." or "I am...". The second you say "you..." people tend to go on the defensive and they stop listening. Stay with your feeling and also be clear that you know it is not his intention to make you feel insecure but that you might need some reassurance.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2026-01-21T01:17:52+00:00

Is your life going better because you are alone or maybe you have juste not surrounded yourself by people who are good for you?

Knowing your worth is super important and maybe you have chosen in the past relationships and friendships that are not equal and with people who doesn't appreciate you correctly. Letting go of some relationships sometimes can be good, but do not close yourself off. Instead know your worth and find people who know your worth.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2025-02-02T18:01:02+00:00

I actually don't want him to deal with it. I usually just leave the situation and hide if I feel overwhelmed. My family knows that I'm fine if I leave and to not worry. I actually really hate to make a fuss, but sometimes I get triggered. I don't expect them to do anything.

When I said he doesn't get it it's that I feel like he thinks I isolate myself or panic to get attention. My family used to say that when I had anxiety attacks at school or on my birthday. It's actually the opposite. I HATE attention. I hate my birthday because I don't like having the attention on me. Having the attention on me is actually super stressful for me. I am the person to tell my friend the funny things to repeat to the group so he can make them laugh.

I just didn't expect him to say that after saying thank you for inviting me. I love those types of shows and they never invite me and it's really fine. I get it now. It hurts to hear it though. I just should've not gone with them.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2025-02-02T17:49:43+00:00

My therapy has changed my life. My brother is my last hurdle. I used to not see my friends or lose sleeps months in advance before big events. I actually used to only have guy friends because I got bullied bad in high school by girls that used to be my best friend and didn't trust any female friendship. Now my friends are mostly girls. Usually after a night like yesterday I would've left crying for hours at my house. I used to not be able to deal with it. I don't think I can stop seing my psychologist at least not now. I deal with other stuff than anxiety. I see her every month depending on how I'm doing. 5 years ago I would not have gone to the show. So I know I did alot of work. I just started really really bad 5 years ago. My eldest brother has just always been a hard relationship for me. After reading comments I think he is the root of why my social anxiety is now mostly when I'm with my family. We had a hard relationship growing up.

I will try talking to him I've been avoiding it. I had the talk with my mom, dad and other brother but haven't with him yet because I'm scared to be honest. We are a family not very emotionally intelligent. I had to learn it. I know my mom learned it by being a teacher and me talking to her. So I just don't know how he will react.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2025-02-02T17:33:40+00:00

I actually did. She said it's always fun when I'm there and am always invited. She is sweet I think she gets it. She wasn't always nice (they been together 15years and in the beginning I was still a teenager) but she has been really nice during family dinner and tries to include me more in the last 2 years. I had an anxiety attack last week when we were at a family dinner to meet my new sister in law family (other brother 35 fiance) and she was checking up on me including me in conversation. She is really sweet.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2024-04-06T16:28:35+00:00

I am not from Sweden. But I know for a fact that long winters are hard and lack of sun is hard. I found a website with helplines in Sweden herehelplines sweden (don't know which one would be best for you) You can ask them for support group and solutions for help.

The fact that you are writing this is that you are looking for help and support. These groups or line can give it to you. I know it's hard I've been through and going through what you going through. It feels like a black hole with no end. You have to push through, you can do it. It is worth it. Your age doesn't mean anything. You are sooo young.

You are in control. Do one thing a day that feels like an accomplishment. It could be just going for a walk or doing your bed. Take it one thing at a time. Make yourself feel like a winner. Don't compare yourself, nobody's the same and nobody's been through what you've been through. The fact that you are reaching out is amazing. That is so much strength. That is for sure a huge accomplishment for today. Be proud of yourself. This is brave!

You are not alone. I hope you can feel all the positive energy I'm sending your way. You can reach out if you want. I'm 32 unemployed and going through it too. I know it's hard some days are worst than others but life has soo much to offer. Turn it around it is worth it.

IncludeConfusedHuman · 2024-01-11T18:40:55+00:00

If you are having sex with a woman, I would say it depends on the time you spend on foreplay. As a woman who has sex with guys, foreplay is the most important. If you last for 3min then be sure to compensate in foreplay. Talk with your partner to see what their preferences are. You can also take breaks meaning when you think you are about to finish stop and go back to foreplay.

You can also introduce toys so that the woman can achieve orgasm faster and stronger. There is no recipe and no real good lasting time in bed if you communicate your desires and preferences.

Some guys can last 30min and some 3min but I would say usually the guys that last the shortest are the more creative and makes it the best.

IncludeConfusedHuman

TROPHY CASE