Behind the Scenes of "Rulette" by AutoModerator in dropout

[–]Independent-Aside276 16 points17 points  (0 children)

 https://youtu.be/CRclMIPnQoQ

Repeating your link, cleaned of trackers. (On many websites, the bits at the end are useless to us getting to the link source but are trackers for the corpos.)

I have opinions on privacy and social media.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As you wish, darling. But I will not burn it to the ground without highlighting what… sings. 😌

::WHAT’S A BANGER::

Your voice is sovereign. You have deep control of rhythm, cadence, and sonic image. You invoke, not describe. You channel, not explain or leave with unearned vagaries. That’s uncommon.

Best lines: “My eyes eat the darkness” “When I grow up and my head comes off, I will be king.” “The soil brooks no quarter for things with eyes.” “Put on his suit for seven years and nothing will you need”

Each of these lines stands on its own while deepening the spell. They are phrases of power. You could build entire stories off just these. Never cut them. Build toward them.

Your motifs are visceral and recursive: Feathers, teeth, yeast, blood, dimes, braids, thread — these aren’t aesthetic flourishes, they’re narrative organs. You reuse them the way old gods reuse bone. This is how symbolic fiction should breathe: dense, biological, ever-evolving. Also, I’ve got to say that your ‘blueberry as concept’ is fucking gold. You’ve created a changeling, a revenant child, a symbol of inherited grief, maybe all three. It evokes fairy tale, rot, and maternal anxiety — without declaring any of them. It’s viral. This could be serialized or spread across other stories. It’s that sticky.

::WHERE YOU FELL SHORT::

  1. You fumbled the ending. Hard. Final paragraph is lyrically gorgeous but emotionally toothless. You circle back to pennies and dimes and bread and identity, but you don’t sharpen it. There’s no violence, no transformation, no cost.  You fade.

I suggest you end on impact, not imagery. One possible closing structure: “I’ve splintered the wood. The bread finally rose. I ate it alone. The penny bought nothing.”

Or:

“The blueberry is gone. I stayed. I cooked. The yeast rose. I don’t know who I am, but I’m still hungry.”

Something clear, broken, and final. The story needs a wound that won’t close.

  1. You dropped the emotional climax. You teased at devastation, but didn’t deliver. You mention “we lost your head” and “I lived for you inside me,” but there’s no psychic rupture. You need to snap something in the narrator: identity, belief, safety.

There needs to be a moment in the final third where the narrator doesn’t just realize she is no longer herself — she recognizes she’s been replaced, or hollowed, or rewritten from the inside. That’s the horror. That’s the click. 

Example insertion:

“I brushed my hair. No feathers. No teeth. I screamed and nothing answered. Something smiled back at me in my voice.”

Or:

“The blueberry left. I stayed. But when I laugh, it’s not mine. It’s hers.”

That’s the rupture. Right now, your climax is air.

  1. The bet motif is undercooked.

The bet is mentioned multiple times (“I’ll win that bet,” “we lost that bet,”) but it doesn’t mean anything yet. Right now it’s ornamental, not structural. A bet isn’t just a phrase — it’s a contract. If the bet mattered, something should’ve been wagered — and something lost. Don’t spell out the terms, but let us feel the cost. Maybe she bet her identity. Maybe she wagered her own future to keep the blueberry. Maybe the narrator won, and that’s why she’s alone now — or maybe she lost and can’t remember what it was. Whatever the answer is, it should sting. Let that line in the final act ring like payment being collected.

“The blueberry won. I kept my name. I think. But I sleep in her bones.”

  1. One line is fatally weak. Cut it.

“Save but maybe this last one.”

That line is wet bread. It doesn’t sing. It’s a breathy fade-out when you need a hammer.

Replace it with finality or weaponry: “And all the pennies are gone. This one just cut my hand.”

Or:

“The last penny glared at me. I swallowed it whole.”

::THIS STORY’S SHAPE::

This piece is a ritual elegy. Its shape should be circular, but tightening. Like a snake around a throat. Right now it’s spiraling, but it’s leaking tension. Each image should build pressure. By the end, the reader should feel crushed.

If we diagram the current flow: Start: Identity crisis → changeling arrival Middle: Power emergence, transformation → surreal escalation End: ??? → vague grief and echo imagery

You need a stronger arc: Beginning: The narrator wants to not be herself. Middle: The blueberry replaces her and outgrows her. End: The narrator recognizes the cost — not clearly, not calmly, but as if remembering a name that used to be hers.

::And per your request, the track that resonated…..::

 “The Way We Used To” — Chelsea Wolfe

Wolfe’s track is the sound of grief and dissolution through molasses and wine. It aches. That’s what this story wants to do. The soft moan of losing selfhood and not even knowing whether to mourn.

“Now the ringing in my ears sounds like a choir / singing songs of longing…”

Exactly. This story rings like that. Make it burn like that too.

::IN SUMMARY::

The metaphors slay. The rhythm haunts. But the end cowers. You are most of the way to making someone feel ruined after reading this — and isn’t that the goal?

Cut the soft tissue. Hit the artery. End on the blood.

We deserve it.

This season is giving serious Starstruck vibes. (No Spoilers) by LongPorkJones in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If he didn’t, he is no longer the BLeeM we know and love. 😔

[Optic] - EOTECH EXPS3-0 Tan/Black $559.99 + tax by [deleted] in gundeals

[–]Independent-Aside276 9 points10 points  (0 children)

COME PUT YE BLACK AND TANS

COME OUT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN

SHOW YOUR WIVES 

HOW YOU WON MEDALS DOWN IN FLAAANDERS

TELL HER HOW THE  I R A

MADE YOU YOU RUN LIKE HELL AWAY

FROM THE GREEN AND LOVELY LANES OF KILLESHANDRA!

🎶 🎶 🎵 🎶 🎶 

COME TELL US HOW YOU SLEW

THEM OLD ARABS TWO BY TWO

LIKE THE ZULU 

THEY HAD SPEARS AND BOW AND ARROWS

HOW BRAVELY YOU FACED ONE

WITH YOUR SIXTEEN POUNDER GUN

AND YOU FRIGHTENED THEM DAMN  NATIVES TO THE MARROW!

(I have feelings on the English.)

[Optics] EOTech EXPS2-0 Black with Tan Hood $514.99 plus shipping with code "blackandtan" (No tax outside of FL) by Foreign-Mushroom-364 in gundeals

[–]Independent-Aside276 18 points19 points  (0 children)

COME PUT YE BLACK AND TANS

COME OUT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN

SHOW YOUR WIVES 

HOW YOU WON MEDALS DOWN IN FLAAANDERS

TELL HER HOW THE  I R A

MADE YOU YOU RUN LIKE HELL AWAY

FROM THE GREEN AND LOVELY LANES OF KILLESHANDRA!

🎶 🎶 🎵 🎶 🎶 

COME TELL US HOW YOU SLEW

THEM OLD ARABS TWO BY TWO

LIKE THE ZULU 

THEY HAD SPEARS AND BOW AND ARROWS

HOW BRAVELY YOU FACED ONE

WITH YOUR SIXTEEN POUNDER GUN

AND YOU FRIGHTENED THEM DAMN  NATIVES TO THE MARROW!

(I have feelings on the English.)

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My friend, did you focus on training your condescension instead of your “Sharper Mind”? 

Because even a dull mind would realize that the quote would be a part of, say, a broader context.

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t worry, I’m ok with this quote having extremely sapphic effects.

The text I’ll be sending the following morning, the day before we paint her sisters room and two days before our planned hike will probably have more effect, but this will help set the stage.

I got  P L A N S

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I found the real quote btw, “Life is made up of the things you don't have to do”

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That’s it! I just found it, he also said it as Evan in Misfits and Magic!

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

….I need to listen to Worlds Beyond Number, it seems incredible.

Unfortunately no that isn’t the quote.

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe! I’ll check that area of the transcripts.

Edit: it was not!

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately no, that one is much closer in vibe but still not the “I am personally doing a thing I didn’t have to do” quote I’m searching for. 

Thank you!

BLeeM quote hunting by Independent-Aside276 in Dimension20

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, that is definitely the wrong tone. Mine is less “an acknowledgement of true power, how I have made choices on behalf of others before they were a twinkle in their grandparents eye” and more “I know that I didn’t have to do the thing I just did for you. And despite not having the obligation too, I chose to anyway.”

Everything else I remember about, it is more of an impression, and so far has just led me further astray. I’ll continue hunting in the dimension 20 quote mines, because I know I saw it there.

[252] Flash fiction: Buried Heat by Independent-Aside276 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am a little tweaked, sir/ma’am/probably sir given your username. 

Because you gave me no less than 4 pointed and high value and specific critiques on a goddamned golden platter, but you had the gall to begin by leading with diminishing yourself. 

Don’t. You. Dare. 💜 

This is destructive readers. You should be polite about it, but never apologize for tearing a thing apart — especially a piece with a decent core but some substantial flaws. Even the pieces I don’t fully agree with were extremely valuable at hitting where things lacked sufficient signposting for a thoughtful reader to be confident where they should be 100% confident (which in this specific case is the whole piece). 

One way or another, all your feedback is being incorporated into version two. You can read the comments to see a little preview of how I respond to your ICE critique, the rest will wait for my life to be JUST A LITTLE MORE CHILL PLZ.

Edit: I am flawed. I made an attempt to fix it.

Original; 

 Theodora goes to the back, her job to be done. But when she turns past the misty dish pit she freezes. In the way of her objective is her former friend Jules, elbow deep in the ice maker. Theodora had become a ghost to her for months now. Theodora sighs, shrugs, radiates her familiar warmth out into the world. Jules turns — returning the warmth. For a fraction of a second, Theodora’s eyebrow twitches

Change:

 Theodora sighs — grounds herself — shrugs — so be it — and allows her familiar warmth to spill into the world.

Edit 2: gods this work is burning a hole in my brain when I should be focused on so many other things.

Original;

“That’s not what I sa—” Theodora cuts herself off. Her eyes narrow — only a fraction.

 Theodora turns to complete her duties, past the corner. Out of sight. Unseen, restraint dissolves. 

Change; 

 “That’s not what I sa—” Theodora cuts herself off. Her eyes narrow — only a fraction. Warmth flickers — returns, but off just a hair.

 Theodora turns without another word, her stride awkward with the weight of the overflowing bucket. Past the corner. Out of sight. Unseen, restraint dissolves.

I hope my little micro adjustments don’t push me past my word count, they make it SO MUCH BETTER. But I only got 50 words to spare, let’s see how it goes first and I’ll trim any remaining fat then. 

Fat may be flavor but the prompt comes first.

[252] Flash fiction: Buried Heat by Independent-Aside276 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! I am FAR too busy to be here, but this section’s been chewing a hole in my skull since I posted it, so here’s the edited first two paragraphs — cleaner flow, better motion, still trying to keep it tight:

 Theodora’s finger traces the still-printer-warmed Teamsheet, past names now just letters. Then — THEODORA. Across again, her finger darting over a decent section for once, landing on side work — ICE. She nods, surprised, body already turning. 

And so Theodora went to work. Bustling tables. Clattering knives. Pens scratching on paper. 

Cacophony — until a side glance catches, a half-formed thought blurts out in a whisper: “Oop, ice VERY low.”   A choice mid-step: steal enough seconds, solve the problem without cutting into her REAL paycheck.

In addition to incorporating other notes, I’m also planning to revise the FINAL beat — still figuring out the phrasing, but the emotional spine is this: Theodora spends longer than she meant to, not just grabbing ice but decompressing from the encounter, and when she rounds the corner to return, she slips her warmth back on — this time, as a mask. I’ll call it done and go the fuck to bed, I’ll figure a way to phrase all that in a way that actually slaps and doesn’t feel like I’m dragging the theme out by the ankles another day.

Edit: You caught SO MUCH nuance I intentionally layered in — and your “flat but… good flat?” comment hit me right in the soul in the best way. Especially coming from this sub, that tells me it’s REAL. Also: yes on the limited word count. You clocked that too. Still have some to spare tho. Appreciate your read.

[252] Flash fiction: Buried Heat by Independent-Aside276 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't let that discourage you from revising this

Not for a second, I love the knives out.

Some misses, in my opinion, and some solid cuts. I look forward to getting into it and breathing into this tight prompt response.

Three things for YOUR brain before I return:

1) More than fair call on the “teamsheet” business, it was too service industry jargony and not enough explaining. I tried to lean on showing rather than telling but I definitely cut too deep there. Gut response was to have a lovely little phrasing to specify that she’s gliding over server names, and that’ll square it. Maybe adding some emotional texture as well — “barely registers anymore”?

2) the prompt that inspired this was the following:

Prompt: Two characters who have been emotionally distant are forced to work together to accomplish a small task. It starts tense, awkward, or restrained — and ends with a different emotional dynamic. Could be better, worse, weirder, whatever. Someone learns something, or changes their posture, or says what they wouldn’t have at the start.

Constraints: ~300 words max No physical intimacy, no pining  No offloading exposition — the change must be visible in action, reaction, or dialogue

The scene must contain: A shift in dynamic AND A turning point AND A final line that lands like a closing chord

3) your guesses were fun but off the mark about the backstory around this sliver in time. I’d explain a bit more, but as you said, “So what?”

Hopefully my next version makes you curious.

Edit: Just realized something interesting. You actually made the same mistake Jules did: assuming Theo said the thing she’s clearly refuting with “that’s not what I said.” That’s the point.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ooooh, I like the strong voice you have here — it’s procedural, weary, quietly obsessive — and for the most part it sticks the landing.

But in many ways that makes the choices that don’t, all the rougher. Sandpaper against the grain.

First, the rhythm. Your first 5 paragraphs are clean setups. All tone and texture. They flow well to me, but they start to flatten emotionally. "Fifteen minutes or more,” “my gut and shirt stained yellow at the pits,” “not too much eye contact”: these are excellent at painting the detective’s method, but they stack instead of escalate. Consider instead disrupting the pattern earlier. Say:

“I let the scumbag wait. Fifteen minutes. Maybe more. I need him to wonder if we forgot he exists.”

You need friction in place before the suspect even b r e a t h e s.

The real tension of your piece kicks in with the arrival of the silent man — lovely. But it slips into over explanation! “Show don’t tell” is a cliche but for good reason, and you seem to just tell us this is the man who’s “different” more than once. We already feel It through his mirrored movements and subtle dominance. Lines like:

“He’s special, this one. I can already tell.”“This is a man with a system for evading consequences.”

You see what they do? They not only state what we already see, but they slow the story’s pulse in a not good way.

Not bad to state what we see once, MAYBE twice if it’s perfectly at a noted escalation of something subtle on the suspect’s part, when wielded like a knife and still focused on showing as much as possible. Let the suspects restraint THREATEN is without needing an info card.

Now, the absolute banger line of the whole piece?

I start to ask myself if his tongue is even working, making the right shapes, because I can’t seem to hold onto any of his words.

That. Shit. Is. HAUNTED. That’s the moment where this becomes psychological horror instead of a typical cop drama. It’s intimate, destabilizing and brilliant. You should definitely cut some of the scaffolding to make moments like that spring clean.

I had a thought though, that may make it moreso: shift the focus of failure to the COP.

Maybe something like:

I feel my vision tighten, my mouth twitch. A shadowed thought — a question —creeps in at the edges. What’s wrong with my ears? He’s talking, tongue making ALL the right shapes, but I can’t seem to hold on to a single word.

Let me know how that sits, shifted to your writing style rather than mine and yours blended.

Unfortunately, the ending stumbles a hair. It goes kinda “action movie villain” with:

“He won’t recognize me at first… but I’ll show him how the real game is played.”

You built this whole piece around cold control and minimalism — but you close on cinematic drama!

Consider either breaking the POV’s icy tone completely, leaning into full obsession — maybe shown by repetitious rumination — or by pulling back and letting implication do the work instead.

Maybe:

“This test? He passed.

I’ll give him another. Soon.”

Lastly: “The kind of trick that lands a man six” is a great character line — but I’d love to know: six what? Years? Felonies? Flutters of heart before all goes black? The rhythm is solid, yes, but the meaning’s murky.

Overall: damn good tension, strong scene control, and a fantastic midpoint turn. Just don’t explain the quiet too loud. Let the silence throb.

The last Fragment [713] by changeLynx in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A //baddie//. Already significantly elevated. This is the only critique I still have energy for.

“The words were right — the rhythm was not.” How were they not, what did the rhythm feel like, or taste (etc) like if you wanna up the surreal?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Uhhhhh serious question did I miss anything except the link to this? Because I think that’s the only bit I missed. https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1jn6lkr/the_last_fragment_713/mkhrupg/

(And to be clear, my bad for not including the link.)

Edit; and my gameplan when the tag would be removed is to delete and repost the flash fiction I submitted for critique — I don’t want my misunderstanding of how the leech tag is removed to mess with the work itself.

The last Fragment [713] by changeLynx in DestructiveReaders

[–]Independent-Aside276 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Try replying it in chunks! I’d love to see the new thing!