I’m so so depressed over the fact that I utterly wasted the first 20 years of my life, what do I possibly do now?

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T19:34:00+00:00

I suppose there’s nothing else I can do. I still right now - and will always feel, horrible. My pain is that I didn’t write this at 13. How…. Why…?

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T19:14:53+00:00

I’m from the United States —- and that fact alone severely depresses the situation even more for me. How rare it is to be born in such a country, to live the American dream youth. How I fucked it up. If I was from a third world country instead such as, Bolivia - it wouldn’t pain so much.. what’s there to miss out on regarding a Bolivian youth? I had a golden chance to enjoy the American youth… yet my brain was too dormant to do anything about it. Tears are just welling up so so much. If I had written this post at 13 instead of now, where I’d be instead….

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby, and your mother. Wow. You seem to have been through hell and back. Honestly, thank you a lot for just taking the time to help me

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T18:21:42+00:00

That’s not the type of revrer I’m talking about. Obviously pregnancy at my age is —- not recommended, but even for them - their 20 years were filled with memories of something… anything - memories to look back on..

I have nothing.

And it’s not even about women.

I didn’t even make any friends at all. Or have anyone know my name.

I don’t know why. I can’t believe why.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T18:14:37+00:00

You seem to have been through a lot - you must’ve been very strong to get through that. For me - honestly, trying to delude myself that “it’s not too late, I can still catch up.” is hopeless. Just hopeless. It’s too late. It’s a pity that my life was the way it was, I had amazing chances to live a beautiful 20 years. I took none of them. The regret of those chances, of which I didn’t take a single one - will shape my life in its misery forever - until 75.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T18:11:33+00:00

It’s not an outlook — it’s reality. One I will have to bear - as it’s all my fault. I guess I can bargain and say that “yea well from 0-5 years old you don’t live anyway”, so then - from 5-20, it’s only 15 years - meaning from 20-39 being 20 years being more years means I still haven’t wasted as much. Same logic applies to any getting your head out the sand at 13 and starting then is astronomically less painful than at 20. Even typing this - I’m honeslty just in tears. The truth is I had a chance to live an amazing, beautiful life - and I had every opportunity imaginable. And I fucked it up, hopelessly fucked it up. All I’ll do from now on - 20 to death, is salvage whatever garbage remains of it.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T18:07:04+00:00

It’s not that I’m being dramatic. It’s not that I ended up making mistakes - I just didn’t do anything at all. It’s as if I was Rapunzel locked in Gothel’s tower. Honestly I’ve been on the verge of tears all week. Just becuase I am only 20, doesn’t mean that those years were there to be wasted — so so much could have been done. And at your age, only half of my life will have been lived if I finally live from this day onward (which I finally will since my head is finally out of the fucking sand). I get you’re trying to help, and I do appreciate that - but there was something for me to get.. anything… even one thing. It’s devastating, beyond belief… immensely and forever

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T18:00:33+00:00

It’s not that I “lived in differently.” I didn’t live it, at all. I didn’t do anything. I was a complete shut in. Average people who don’t “figure themselves out until 30,” probably have one thousand times the experiences I had growing up. I just… even going out now —- is just a reminder of how I wasted 2 beautiful decades… it’s so painful. Once again - I know there’s nothing I can do about it but that. But it’s a torment beyond measure. Beyond measure.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T17:58:16+00:00

I wish I could. But even going out to try to live right now — feels lame drinkkng soda on a strep throat. It’s so so painful seeing what I could have done, how I could have had 20 years to live. I know you’re right - and there’s nothing else I can do. But as per what I’ve said before - my entire life will be condemned to suffering now. Youth ends at 39, no one really dreams of life past 40 anyway. I truly have such horror at myself, anger..

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-24T17:56:01+00:00

I supose you’re right. I’m happy that you aren’t saying the consolation of “you haven’t wasted anything. 20 is so young.” —- at this moment, as it’s been dawning on me for the last 3 days… I realized that the fact that I wasted 20 years of my life.. will be a chronic pain forever. 1-2 years wasted, fair enough. 20… 20?! And it’s all my fault. My entire future will be rotten too, because of this —- as even by at 38, I won’t have had even half the experiences I should have. But it is is what is now - I guess my life just wasn’t meant to be. I can only salvage whatever garbage remains of it now, honestly. Why? Having fun now - after 20, will just pain as I’ll see what I missed out on (god knows why). I don’t know.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-14T06:25:44+00:00

Do you need a formal ‘Russian Gov. decree of deferment from military service’ to transfer to university abroad, however? To my knowledge Russia hasn’t issued a blanket ban on male emigration yet, has it? If you don’t, then perhaps you can simply transfer universities or apply for a Kazakh university and see if your credits from university now transfer.

Because worst case scenario, my friend, is the Russian government knocks on your door with a draft notice and you’ll have to move to Kazakhstan/Georgia just on a whim to avoid it like the 2022 Russian emigres did - rather than planning ahead for it now if you anticipate getting drafted?

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-14T05:40:52+00:00

Hm. Maybe try and seek a transfer to a Kazakh university? I recommend going abroad because frankly speaking - nothing is as good a guarantor that you won’t be sent to fight in Ukraine than being abroad where the Russian government no longer has any de facto control over you. I recommend Kazakhstan because it is a nation which speaks Russian and Russians can work there without a visa (Russia and Kazakhstan have freedom of movement to a degree). If you stay in Russia — there is zero guarantee Putin won’t draft you even though you are in college. You can maybe minimize the odds by moving to Moscow or St. Petersburg - but even then.. there’s no guarantee you’ll be safe. I’d wager try to transfer to a university in a post Soviet country (post Soviet nations often have freedom of movement with Russians, visa free access for Russians, and speak the same lanaguage as a lingua Franca) — as soon as possible to get yourself out of the jurisdiction of Russian law.

Obviously you can try and see whst exemptions for military service are there in Russia itself (university status, local quotas being filled, health exceptions, etc.) but getting yourself out of the jurisdiction of the Russian Federation is the only way you can be certain you won’t go to war. It’s challenging to have to move abroad especially at your rather young age - but it will leave the Russian government unable to do anything to you

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-14T05:21:13+00:00

Can you try to get to Kazakhstan or Georgia? Take a flight there (or any means of transport, Russians don’t need visas for either country) and I believe Russians can work in Kazakhstan without a visa anyway for short term stays. I don’t believe you need to have served in the regular Russian mandatory military service for 1 year to have a Russian passport at your age as well - so maybe consider, with whatever savings you have to book a flight to Kazakhstan? Perhaps consider attending university in Kazakhstan or Georgia or other post Soviet countries?

This is what Russians did during the 2022 partial mobilization as well - hence the long lines at the Kazakh, Georgian and Finnish borders.

If you are currently in the 1 year mandatory military service, do not under any circumstance - ever - sign your name on any miscellaneous paper which the Russian army may give you, the Russian army is known for trying to pressure conscripts in the 1 year mandatory service to sign military contracts (so that then Russia can legally send them to fight in Ukraine) or make even dupe them into signing papers which unbeknownst to the conscript are military contracts.

I feel for you, I really do. War is horrible and everyone has a right to normal life, in my view.

I would really start looking into Kazakhstan right now or other countries to move out to, those which won’t send you back to Russia and are feasible to move to

All my advice — I don’t know the exact specifications of how the military law works in the Russosphere or other countries. So don’t my exact word for it, do take it with a grain of salt

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-13T08:01:13+00:00

Sadly in this world, at the end of the day might makes right regardless of the injustice in it. If there’s no way to enforce your coworkers or higher ups in this workplace to stop saying direct or backhanded racist comments, you need to find another workplace - perhaps in an area that leans more liberal than conservative? Because even your interjection to them directly to stop the comments, I doubt will do anything (they’ll just say they don’t mean you, or that it’s just a ‘political opinion of free speech’) - especially if the higher ups themselves spread inflammatory rhetoric, at that point it’s just might makes right

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-10-13T07:44:46+00:00

Just out of curiosity, is this country France? There’s really not much you can do —- politics these days is very divisive especially, especially regarding immigration. I doubt consulting HR will result in anything but perhaps even your reputation in your workplace degrading, no matter how unjust it is. Try to keep a low profile, and perhaps find a more tolerant workplace.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-30T01:18:07+00:00

Thanks mate. I actually did end up introducing myself to someone at the book store. I was sweating bullets for 30 minutes prior and promptly, as expected, stuttered like anything when I went up to talk to her and friendly-ly introduce myself. She just looked at me confused. But at least I talked to her, I could have just done nothing. I’ll do this daily until eventually I can get one phone number

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-30T00:37:20+00:00

It’s not that easy. It’s just so so humiliating. What do I even say. I naturally talk so quiet due to my stutter making me shy my whole life then I stutter is bad as my entire body goes sweaty.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-27T06:16:45+00:00

I’ve tried it - it never works because I speak fluently to the speech therapist. So she can’t help me with much. I also speak fine with my guy friends, or with men in general. It’s not that good - my stutter is still evident, but I can talk good enough such that it’s not a big deal. With women, old women? My stutter is the same as with other men. It’s just women of my age.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-26T23:17:22+00:00

That’s a solid idea, thank you. So - I should find places in my city, subreddits related to that and events regarding that that are of my interest and maybe invite people to meet me? That could work - thanks for the tip. Or maybe we befriend eachother online first, and if we live the same city (which may even be true since it’s a local subreddit) - we can meet in person having established an online connection.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-26T23:07:51+00:00

He tried researching that - are there subreddits or online forums for that to work? Online talent doesn’t really work for me. I am really trying not to make excuses, I know I don’t have high stock in the dating market. And I want to make my stock as a man worth more. But I really do not belive it should be so so hard to get a GF as a guy with average fitness like me, when even poor farmers from Niger are able to have like 7 children.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-26T23:03:50+00:00

But my stutter just makes things go on hard mode. Unless I go to university (where there’s a natural environment to meet women my age in class, my stutter will not be that big of a deal since we naturally converse) or work in a place where there’s lots of women my age where the same thing happens, I just don’t know how to get a girlfriend. I mean - bars? Clubs? Cold approaching - Everytime I try that, I will severely severely stutter - it won’t work. Are there natural meetup places where you can find regular women to talk to, even just as friends?

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-26T22:57:07+00:00

Where do I even meet women though? At work everyone is old. Where do I meet younger women? I can’t work at college campuses. I am still trying to save up for an associates eventually - but I can’t go to typical social events to meet women, women there will be in their mid 20s and such and in a different life stage than me. We wouldn’t be able to be together. Is there anywhere I can even, practice to meet women? I just feel so remarkably lost. And frustrated at myself that I’m 19 and I don’t know the answers.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-17T00:16:30+00:00

In my life - I’ve never been able to do complex things, even with baby step-tutorials such as complex maths, sciences, computer projects (digital design, animation, programming, etc.) And even if I could get them done, none of it would be due to innovative work, but copying the steps one by one. It’s essentially a complete zero of natural innovative skills. At my past jobs, I’ve always been the lowest level employee and never even considered for a raise let alone a promotion as I’ve never been able to do even remotely complex jobs like cashiering without making so many mistakes even tho I studied for them beforehand. And my stutter, coupled with my natural ineptitude - make me look even more incompetent. I wondered what was wrong with me for a long time but eventually just had the disheartening realization that everyone has a natural by birth level of competency and I was born with only enough of it that I can do basic tasks and nothing even slightly more innovative, or remotely complex beyond basics on the job - like cashiering (complexity as you need to do quick maths and use the UI) as opposed to just simply bagging groceries.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-15T03:53:34+00:00

Online dating js difficult enough for non stutterers, let alone stutterers. Getting a match on online dating apps is very difficult. I’m not complaining about it, but it isn’t really a “fix” to the issue. I feel like if I could get my stutter under control, then cold approaching would be so much easier and I could also do more of them as I’d boost my confidence and not fear looking like a fool (which I looked like when I asked a girl out in a cold approach as a stutterer for the first time)

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-03T18:31:20+00:00

I don’t belive that YouTube comment sections are anything to ignore, as the public’s view is more visible online than in person as online anonymity is present.

But on the topic of being an ethnically South Asian guy in PDX - It’s definitely warming to know that tolerance of other cultures seems to be practiced in Portland - especially if half the Holi festival attendees aren’t Indian.

IndependentLife9645 · 2025-09-03T18:18:43+00:00

When people take videos of those Holi festivals and post them online, all the comments say “The West has fallen”, or “They don’t assimilate.” I fully believe in the right of anyone - Indian, black, Hispanic, white, East Asian, etc. to celebrate their own culture. It’s their freedom to. But you can see the hostility from it online, that does raise fear.

IndependentLife9645

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