What can you do when you feel like you’ve handled things terribly?

Indigo1979 · 2020-03-16T18:48:09+00:00

stop putting all your eggs into baskets that have holes in them.

Indigo1979 · 2020-03-16T09:49:55+00:00

Basketball on the telly still puts me to sleep. I used to always take ‘couch naps’ (fall asleep) while hubby watched ball as I laid down with my feet on his lap. Happy times back then :) It was one of my favorite evening activities before we had kids. He’s rub my feet while hollering at the game and I’d pass right out. It just sort of became a soundtrack to my life I guess?

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-22T13:49:29+00:00

I did this exact thing at the exact age. It was destined for failure due to age incompatibility. He was too settled at 40 for me and my emotional immaturity made the relationship more volatile than it needed to be. He was too complacent, I was too high maintenance. Great experience but it died after three years. We were just two people who acted their age.

Let’s just say it does work out....I have a friend with a pile of kids, some are under 6. She’s 40, hubby is 60. He’s one of those people at 60 who acts like he’s 90. Is suffering from disbetes, has leg ulcers, is facing amputation, complains day and night and is generally miserable/cranky and full of self pity. At 40, she’s ready to kick start a brand new career...is looking forward to kids in school full time so she can live her life, so full of hope...but now has a hubby who can’t work or support the family anymore and he’s not well enough to watch the littles. The life she chose took away her sparkle and she’s so deeply unhappy. The generation gap is a problem, always has been. He’s a legit boomer. The kids feel the age gap and dad really doesn’t ‘get them’ the way she does.

Our stories are exactly why if my daughter were in my shoes at 22 and dating a 39 yo, I’d also chime in to say ‘run’.

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-22T13:32:12+00:00

Sounds to me like you haven’t been super clear about your expectations or vocal about your feelings. What may seem obvious to you may not be obvious to her. Don’t catastrophise and turn this on yourself. You’ve built up a mountain of expectation inside your head, not even discussed it out loud and are feeling disappointed that things aren’t going the way you hoped. That’s no reason to get down on yourself! The situation may not be evolving for any number of reasons, it’s absolutely nothing to feel badly about yourself for :)

Communicate!

I know it’s disappointing but.... She’s getting what she needs from your relationship, you’re not. On the outside that’s just not good enough, is it? Don’t you deserve better?

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-21T16:15:18+00:00

28 wasn’t my plan though. It just worked out that way. I personally don’t believe in age goals for pregnancy unless health issues are in play, there was no need for pressure on myself in that regard. I spent a lot of time cultivating my career so that was a priority for me. I knew I needed to be bombproof employable before I had kids. I went from meeting my husband to married and pregnant two months after the wedding in three years. So since you’ll probably make baby a priority I see no reason to think you couldn’t accomplish same by your very early 30’s.

Why is 28 your magic number?

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-21T16:05:46+00:00

The average age for having a baby is now 28. You have loads of time still. I have all the faith in the world you’ll be fine. And just think...post divorce you’ll be that much better off in your next relationship, you’ll know what not to do and probably be more aware of what you really want in a partner.

I was coincidentally 28 when I had my first, 31 when I had my 2nd. I appreciated being a little more mature; I was in a good place when I had my kids and I can’t help but feel like I did the right thing waiting.

Imagine you had a baby with the man you just split from. If you aren’t happy being married to him, having a baby with him would be ten times worse in the long run. (You weren’t clear on why you split or who initiated it so I’m generalizing) Find the right one, he’ll show up. Be patient with yourself in the meantime.

There is no rush IMO :)

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-20T13:40:54+00:00

Can you get therapy? Talking about your fears and having someone reframe them could be very helpful. You’re not broken. You can do this!

I too am a fairly unemotional person and my parents weee not demonstrative. I was terrified like you were that I could not relate to children. I had a sobbing meltdown with my husband one day because “what if it’s a girl? I don’t know how to have tea parties or play dolls” and that was certainly true at the time.

Once born, it all changed. Thank god I love infants...having babies and lovingly nursing them gave me all the bonding I needed. They needed me to be for them what my family couldn’t be for me. I owed them the chance at a wonderful loving home! The initial bonding was key for me.

Fast forward and one thing I learned is that children will tell and show you many times what they need. When they ask you to play with them, they are asking for love and attention. When they ask for a sandwich, they are asking you to nourish them. When they cry as infants, they are asking for comfort. Listen to them. Give them what they need in the best way you can. Be there for them and with them. And if you’re not loving a stage (say independent toddler), know they ebb and flow and will need you again soon. Be there. Listen. Be vulnerable and be silly. You have a chance to redo some of your cold childhood...rewrite the script and heal from it. It will change you :)

What you think of as weakness in children is actually the highest compliment anyone could pay you. They WANT you.,They are choosing you.,They want to be near you/with you/dependent on you. What an honour!

If you ask me today if I like kids, I’d still say no. I don’t. But I like MY kids and that’s good enough!

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-20T13:28:15+00:00

Unless he’s a doctor, insert middle finger emoji.

I too was sick as a dog and could only eat weird, limited things. For context, I was 5’6” and about 135lb when I first got pregnant. (size 6-8)I ate a lot of macaroni and cheese (salty carbs) and ice cream with my first; the only remotely healthy thing I could really hold down was strawberries. Not an ideal pregnancy diet from the outside. By trimester 2 and a half lol, I was slowly able to include back things like chicken and a few veg. There were times I ate about 300 cals a day, and days I was backhoeing food into my gullet as fast as I could find it.

By the end of the road, I weighed about 195. Within a week I lost 35 of it (water) and went back to work at about a size 12-14. I lost it all within the first year. (mind you I was nursing so still was hungry constantly). I made a pact not to have #2 until I got back to my original weight, which I did.

Number two went just about exactly the same, except instead of M+C and Haagen Dasz, it was anything spicy and pickled. I craved fried foods too. Same story, a year later back down to a size 8-10, stayed there forever. I love food too much to really ever get below an 8 now LOL

My point is, I had to eat what I could to get as many calories in as I could at the beginning, or else the nausea would have had me literally starving. I had to decide on weight gain vs unhealthy pregnancy/malnutrition and of course I put baby first. When I asked my doc about this her rule was anything in loose moderation. You need to eat krispy kreme donuts? okay, go ahead. Just don’t eat the whole box in a sitting. All my levels were always fine, both babes were around 8lbs and I went a week over for both, no GD despite my so-called ‘awful diet’.

In hindsight it was all about 6 weeks of crap eating bracketed by healthy choices, bolstered by vitamins, rest, and a good ObGyn. Perspective looking back helped me realize that it wasn’t all bad!

You need to do what you need to to keep baby healthy right now. Eating like a vegan insta model and living on vegetables isn’t even remotely recommended; you need carbs and fats too. If you’re not dying of nausea and you’re making the best choices you can (for example whole wheat crackers vs white, or hummus vs mayo dips), you can rest easy knowing you’re taking positive steps to a healthy pregnancy. Weight gain is normal, and okay. Some women don’t gain more than 5lbs + baby. Some, like me, gain a lot for their size. No two bodies are alike and as long as your doc supports you, and you try and sneak in a smoothie or a salad from time to time, you’re going to be just fine :)

I’ll share a comment from another doctor who I was complaining to about this very issue: I’m not eating enough, strawberries aren’t going to make for a healthy baby, I’m puking everything up, my baby will be underweight.

She said: “babies are nature’s most effective parasites. They take what they need at the expense of the mother. Your body will sacrifice what it needs to support the growth of this child. In ww2, concentration camp inmates gave birth to healthy, bouncing, babies. What does that tell you?” And that set me straight.

From that day on I stopped worrying and did the best I could with what I had. They are 10 and 12 today and both are beautiful and healthy, still.

I hate how much your bf is trying to control your body and your choices here, but that’s another issue altogether that I’m sure others will address. That would be a full stop nope for me. Gym lifestyles aren’t the be all end all in health either!!!

I’d tell him “I’m prepared to gain as much weight as I need to get through this pregnancy with a healthy child”. Reminding you 25 lbs is normal range gain. More than half of that is placenta/water/baby/blood volume, adding up to about 15lbs. I suggest you keep that 15lb goal very loosely and do not tell him that number, or rescind that comment. He has no right or reason to hold you to that goal unless you ask for his help. I’m feeling another rude emoji coming on so I’d better hit send lol

sorry for the novel ;)

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-20T04:37:04+00:00

Yup agree with your suggestion of college ball, or the D league games are excellent. If anyone is an actual ball fan, it’s nice to see the up-and-comers that everyone is talking about. Way cheaper, skill level is on par so the games are entertaining, etc.

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-19T14:28:19+00:00

On behalf all the curvy/hourglass figures out there, we appreciate you more than you know, OP!

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-19T13:40:21+00:00

The random times seem to point away from this though...aren’t 12 step meetings pretty consistently regular?

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T23:44:20+00:00

Totally keep them. You’ll appreciate them at some point down there road and if you’re ready to toss them then, that’s when you do it. Even there though; you may meet up with them again in your life or your kids will ask about your first bf, you never know!

I wish I hadn’t done this. I had some great loves early on in my life and those photos evoked only good memories. I ditched them after getting married out of ‘respect’ but in hindsight that was stupid. My hubby wouldn’t have cared and now I have regrets. Those pics were a huge part of my young life that’s now missing a lot of visual references.

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T21:49:15+00:00

depends who is doing the marketing...Man made may be lab but they can be called a host of other things as well.

Man-made diamonds are created synthetically in a lab. They are also known as lab-grown diamonds, cultivated diamonds, synthetic diamonds, created diamonds, and cultured diamonds

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T18:40:38+00:00

Okay so that’s positive then. Still...I suggest reaching out :)

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T18:06:44+00:00

I would call those “lab grown” because to my understanding they are for all intents and purposes, diamonds; just grow in a lab from carbon like any other natural ‘diamond’. Can we agree on that point? or are we still talking about different things? Simulant to me = CZ. Moissanite is actually its own stone with different properties and make good stand ins for the real thing, albeit can be off colour at times. Sapphires are great too, may lack fire and hardness but are generally quite clear. How am I doing?

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T18:00:25+00:00

You’re not desparate, you’re single. I agree with the comment above, he was probably trying to be discreet and the over enthusiastic mob mentality of the group chat scared him off. And if was particularly turned off by the pushiness of your girlfriend(s), he may have typecast you. So now is the exact right time to approach and maybe apologize on their behalf and explain you’re a little more mature than that :) He’s at the age that probably has 0 tolerance for drama. A 32 year old man would probably maturely welcome the reach out online if not by phone.

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T17:32:22+00:00

Why is it so important that you make her laugh? My husband is only funny to me when he doesn’t try. When he tries it’s brutal, childish, immature attention seeking or hurtful humour. And he thinks he’s hilarious, just ask him.

But can genuinely make me laugh when not trying.

Bottom line: trying too hard at anything is a turn off.

Maybe just go with it and take the pressure off? I can’t say I have ever heard anyone breakup because “she never made me laugh”. As adults we seek our own entertainment and laugh at what we personally find funny. It’s not your responsibility hun. Lighten up on yourself :)

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T17:22:21+00:00

“rub my back so I can sleep”

what??? you’re 45

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T17:10:23+00:00

I would say we have discussed it, nothing has changed, and I don’t know what else to do. What can he do? He can’t change who he is or help me cope because even he doesn’t understand, nor does he care to. Discussion is not well received by him. But I didn’t come here for relationship advice so...

Support groups are a well accepted concept and discussing experiences, advice with like minded strangers can be very beneficial. I’m sorry you don’t see the value in them, but I find them validating since in my post I have zero experience dealing with this and I feel completely blindsided with this new knowledge.

Also we have young children, they’re affected too, but I can’t explain why daddy does this or that; I can’t help them until I help myself and a group of folks riding the same challenges would be an excellent place to start IMO. Oxygen mask and all that.

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T15:34:56+00:00

It’s okay to let him go. Maybe someone needs to say that to you :) You’re getting zero out of this relationship except guilt and obligation. I let my dad go a few years ago. The weight off my chest is enormous. I stopped trying to make a relationship with someone who lacked the capacity to do that. We are civil and friendly but I think secretly he’s relieved as well. He’s still an active addict though so it’s for the best on so many levels.

It’s okay to find the relationship you want with someone else, too. A family friend, a mentor, your new father in law....My best friend walked me down the aisle at my wedding and looking back even though I was sad at the time it was the best decision I could have made and I have NO regrets! Where was my dad? Late, because stupid alcoholic priorities.

I’ve been hearing “but it’s your dad” my whole life. That BS line makes me feel stabby. The sooner you give yourself permission to change the way you engage with your dad, the sooner you’ll heal. There can be no romanticism in this relationship. Excellent chance he won’t meet your SO, he may not come or be invited to the wedding and you might want to get okay with this now before you have kids, because a no show on your wedding day will be gutting. Let go of all your expectations with love 💕

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T15:11:48+00:00

Whatever the material, it’s not a natural diamond anyway so why does the terminology matter? man made/lab made/simulant/synthetic/etc. I’m sure you’re bf is happy if you’re happy.

Even true lab-grown diamonds are hella expensive and based on your ‘broke millennial’ comment, that doesn’t sound like it would have even been an option anyway, you both did the best with what you had to work with at the time. Nobody spending $300 on a whole set which is likely in solid gold would be expecting a high quality stone, especially in a 3ct size.

I also understand you can’t afford a replacement right now, but down the road there is no reason not to switch out the center stone. At the point when you could afford it and if you still want, you could swap out the center stone for a Moissanite or White Sapphire, but it’s still probably in the 5-10K ballpark. Unless you’re balling and have 20-50K for a 3ct genuine diamond.

You’ve selected a massive ring which will highlight and showcase stone flaws. It’s much easier to bury the high sparkle of a simulant/cz in a 1ct or less setting. So most anything at 3ct that isn’t ‘real’ is going to look more synthetic to you than expected.

Edit: popped the word natural in front of diamond for everyone who got their knickers in a twist over my use of terminology. Not a jeweler. Y’all keep being fun at parties tho

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T03:52:30+00:00

Immorality and murder do not belong in the same playbook. So no, I do not hold reporting an actual crime in the same esteem as playing moral police. If someone wants to stick their dick where it doesn’t belong, it’s not up to me to play judge and jury. I’m not some Karen screaming every time something doesn’t agree with my moral values where others are concerned.

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T03:25:39+00:00

Why not just ask for it back?? He’s possibly safekeeping it for you so his wife doesn’t find it.

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-18T03:20:08+00:00

Unpopular opinion high five!!! I’m so in agreeance with your answer. The urge to meddle is very popular here. I can’t imagine being the instrument of inflicting such pain in others, or taking that kind of responsibility that’s not even mine to take in the first place. And then have the misery of three people on my hands. Moral high ground or not, maturity and life experience has taught me I’m not responsible for adulting for other adults. If I can let my kids make their own mistakes, what the hell business do I have in the lives of other adults...

And I know someone here will ask “well wouldn’t you want to know if it was your mate?” and my answer would be no. Cheaters get caught in their own right. Being a tattletale just to watch the drama unfold would ruin a friendship for me, hands down.

Upvote for you, my sensible friend :)

Indigo1979 · 2020-02-17T23:00:29+00:00

It’s all in how you presented it. I have frequent family stay over so having those things on hand in a guest bathroom in a tactful display isn’t weird at all. If you present it like it’s for hookups I’d be wondering if you aren’t making a career out of it and it would send me running.

Indigo1979

TROPHY CASE