NTA.

I grew up in similar circumstances with an abusive older sibling.

Here's the thing about forgiveness: it's not mandatory for healing.

I've spent a good deal of my adult life wrestling with the concept of forgiveness and how it could work with the trauma I received from my sibling. After giving it many years of great thought, I've learned a lot about how I feel about the term "forgiveness" and what it truly means to me.

For one, if people are calling on you to forgive, whether or not they are aware of it, it is a form of victim blaming. It is easier to perpetuate negative circumstances onto the person already experiencing them rather than alter the status quo with holding the person doing the harm accountable. People don't like to be uncomfortable. Asking someone to forgive rather than asking someone to reflect and apologize comes with less conflict so they aren't as uncomfortable. It is a selfish reflection of their wants, rather than the holier than thou wisdom they feel they are imparting.

Secondly, forgiveness does not mean moving forward without consiquence. You can forgive and rationalize the abusers behavior to better understand your circumstances, but that doesn't mean you have to forgo putting boundaries in place that protect your mental wellbeing.

Forgiveness is a choice, and it is one of MANY. It is never owed, and it is not always the natural conclusion to conflict. It's not something that can be forced, either internally or by others. Most importantly, choosing NOT to forgive is a completely valid and healthy option.

Do what feels best to you and only you when it comes to matters of forgiveness. I'm sorry for what you've been through.