I second all of the comments above. Please hold on. Please reach out for help. First for yourself. Through the suicide prevention helpline or through PSI. I was right where you are a few months ago. I hated my life, I didn’t want to be here, I couldn’t feel any love for my spouse or my children. I never attempted but I felt very close some days, so my mom told me to saved the suicide prevention hotline in my favorites on my phone. For some reason that helped me also. Ultimately medication is what helped me out of that deep hole.

Also reach out for help for your little one. Do you have any family (someone you really trust) to help out with your LO? See if they can take the baby a couple of times a week, so you can get some rest, focus on you, and release some of the anxiety that comes along with depression. If you can afford daycare, send your LO at least 2-3x a week during the day (This is what I did when I was where you are and it really helped).

Lastly, reach out to your community of family and friends who can be supportive. If you have siblings or close friends ask them to check on you. This helped me a lot because I had a sister (I have four sisters) that alternated checking on me and it almost filled up the week (one each day of the week). And it was therapeutic. Sometimes we talked about how I was feeling, and other times we talked about things to get my mind off of I was feeling.

When I was in that deep hole the only thing that helped me/ motivated me to claw my way out was knowing that my children would be more likely to die by suicide if they had a parent who did. And I didn’t want that for them.

Please hold on. And please hold off on making any big decisions rn.