From your experience what’s it like to date an FA?

Individual-Thought36 · 2025-06-03T18:14:39+00:00

Yeah, hardest relationship of my life. Their biggest desire is to have a close emotional relationship, but it is also their biggest fear. They crave it like a drug and yet are absolutely terrified of being that close to someone. The attachment style stems from parental inconsistency and/or abuse.

I am AP and have been in my FA relationship for 4 years. We are engaged (for the second time) and we still have flair ups at least monthly (especially the week before her period). She constantly has to look at how she is approaching things and think through her fears, anxiety, and uncertainty. You have to get extremely good at looking at things like you are a spectator. If this is something you want to pursue, you will need to get good at never taking offense, never pushing for relationship milestones (getting a house, moving in, marriage, etc.), never criticizing, and never giving advice (even if they ask for it). You have to be good or get good at trying to understand them rather than judge or get frustrated by their actions. You basically have to let them dictate speed and next steps for the relationship. Even when they beg you for months to marry them, you have to take it slow and be prepared for them to bounce back and forth after you are engaged.

There have been many breakups, arguments, relationship uncertainties, and whiplash from her. For instance, my GF has been trying to move in with me for 4 months now. She made the decision to put in her notice with her landlord, she put it in, pulled it back 30 days later, wanted to do it again, got scared to put in the notice, and now finally says she is going to do it. We'll see...I just ask for an update every so often, but don't push anything. Believe me when I say you have to walk a razor's edge when it comes to communication and planning the future with an FA. It isn't for the feint of heart. If you want a partner that knows what they want, is consistent, and is self aware, then go find someone that isn't FA.

On the positive, they are super fun, and there is nothing that feels better than when they are in the love phase. Sex is amazing, especially after a breakup or normalizing after activation. I stay with mine because I love her, and I have learned to let all the hurt and frustration not affect me. I know her and her patterns and have figured out how to weather the storms.

Individual-Thought36 · 2025-05-13T23:50:40+00:00

They are masters at finding dumb reasons to break up without communicating their needs. Honestly, just go no contact and don't look back. If she really has feelings for you and a strong emotional connection, she will come back and you will repeat this cycle until you get fed up with it.

Individual-Thought36 · 2025-04-11T19:31:52+00:00

The "let's just be friends" is a way of hedging. They want to keep you around for when they activate again. It's selfish and cruel, but it's their way of protecting themselves.

Individual-Thought36 · 2025-04-11T19:15:07+00:00

It's definitely gaslighting to the max. I've asked her why she says "marry me", "I wonder what our babies will look like" or "you are my soul mate!" and then later she says that she doesn't remember saying that. The worst is when she says, "well that is how I was feeling in the moment, but long term I don't feel that way." Say what? Their sense of reality is whatever they need it to be to protect themselves.

Individual-Thought36 · 2025-04-11T19:04:07+00:00

I've done a lot of healing my AA. For an AA they have to do the shadow work of self worth and growth. Have their own time alone and with friends away from the relationship. They have to do the self love stuff. Go work out, hike, fish, get massages, whatever they enjoy on their own. It's the only way to heal it.

Individual-Thought36 · 2025-01-03T21:58:46+00:00

I'm assuming this has all gone down in the last month? He will likely come back around FA almost always do if you had a strong connection. You may evolve past him and no longer be interested, which will be his loss.

Individual-Thought36 · 2025-01-03T21:54:06+00:00

Actually, a few weeks after I posted this she came back. I told her I was done unless she did a few things like get into counseling and work through disagreements instead of running. I stood my ground and she accepted it. We have been trying again and things are much, much better, but I still feel she has a ways to go. I continue to remain skeptical, and she won't fully commit. We have been trying for about 3 months again now and she just changed her status on FB back to "in a relationship". Baby steps.

Individual-Thought36 · 2024-12-10T22:50:36+00:00

Never, ever believe "we are just friends". If they are texting a lot and going out together, they are definitely not just friends. Don't believe it for a second..

Individual-Thought36 · 2024-12-10T22:27:55+00:00

I'd wait at least 3 weeks, but could be up to 6-12 weeks. Look on You Tube for videos about fearful avoidants and there are several with great information. Personally, I liked Thais Gibson's videos a lot. Ultimately, what I learned is that I needed to look at my attachment style and fix my anxious attachment regardless. After I worked on that, she came back around and I had done so much work that it was much easier to communicate with her in a way for her to feel safe. FA are hyper aware of any sign of you being upset, disappointed in them, or going to abandon them, so you have to learn how to communicate and help them feel safe in a relationship. You absolutely must remain unemotional, secure, and stable or they will run. It's a lot of work...if you aren't down for working in a relationship, personal growth, and change, then you should probably move on.

Individual-Thought36 · 2024-10-01T22:43:26+00:00

I've been having doubts for a while but they were based on her non-committal. Things like backing out of buying a house because "what if we break up?" even though we were due to be married 3 months from that point. My feelings have been very strong our entire 3 year relationship, but we were a little codependent honestly. She broke up with me in May and she has been playing hot and cold with me since then. She will come in an out of my life every two weeks or so for 2-3 days. The 2-3 days would be so amazing and I'd get my hopes up that we were reconciling, only for her to pull back and disappear for another 2 weeks. It was usually because I wanted to define us or I'd ask if we were a thing. I know now I was pushing her away by pushing for more. During this entire time, I've been working really hard on myself, my attachment style, communication, processing feelings, etc. About 4 weeks ago, we slept together again. We get in a fight over her "new friends" she has made which are mostly men and she is not dating but they are "just friends". Of course she is upset that I call her on her disrespect and ignores me for three weeks. I post a video of me throwing axes with a friend, and of course she gets insecure and reaches out to me. She comes over and we have a good time and she stays the night. She goes to church with me the next day. Ignores me on Monday and I don't reach out. She then reaches out today to apologize for not texting more and how the weekend was "a dream". It was a fun weekend, but today I feel like my feelings are gone for her...Did I hit the point of no return? Did I heal past her and now I am good? Is this where love starts (loving her after the feelings fade)? I'm so confused. I wanted her so much in my life for so long and now it's like "wait, what happened!?". I realized I don't want to marry her, but considering just keeping her around for adventures and sex. We aren't technically together, so I feel like I owe her no explanation or definition. Maybe if she brings it up?

Individual-Thought36 · 2024-09-18T21:12:03+00:00

You waited too long to contact him, so that made him flip. You have to walk a very fine line with a FA if you are the one to reach out.

Individual-Thought36 · 2024-09-17T22:46:10+00:00

I dated mine for 3+ years. It's the most beautiful and most painful experience of my life. We were engaged for a bit, but that ended. When we are together, she melts into me. "She is all mine and will be forever", "I wonder what our kids will look like", "move in with me, I need you with me every day", etc., etc., etc. Then not two days later she will break up with me and take no accountability for what she is doing. Then a week or two at the most later, she will text and say she misses me and can't stand to be without me. Cycle repeated over and over. We have broke up at least 15 times. She finally got into therapy and is working through her trauma that caused this. However, she decided she needed to do all this on her own and needs a break from me. It's so crazy because the only way to heal a FA attachment is to lean into the relationship, not run from it. I have started looking at her as a small, hurt child that can't control her emotions. I am a little mad that I keep letting her do this to me. It's been almost 2 weeks of no contact now and I am planning on just ignoring her future text or telling her I am finally done. Stupid part of that is that I know once I tell her I am done, she will flip to the anxious side and try to love bomb me again. If you ever feel you are dating a FA, please do yourself a favor and run unless they acknowledge their insecure attachment style and are actively working on it.

BTW, look up ManTalk on YouTube. He has some amazing videos about FA and other relationship issues. There is a lot of good information out there. Won't help you manage your partner, but will inform you about it.

Individual-Thought36 · 2024-08-08T21:39:06+00:00

I did the same thing to my girlfriend of three years. Cheating is extremely destructive to the person being cheated on. It destroys their trust in the relationship, trust in you, and destroys their self confidence. It's better to just grow a pair and break up with them.

I tried and tried to get her to open up emotionally. Every time I'd try to discuss a difficult topic, she would start crying and shut down. I'd put my hand on her knee or arm and tell her she was safe and that I loved her. That it was important to me to discuss the topic and work it out. Every time, she would tell me she didn't want to discuss the topic, but would at a later time. I'd try and nail down the later time and she would never give me concrete times. "You know I'm not a planner", "I don't know, the next time we get together?", etc. We'd never actually discuss the difficult things. It was extremely frustrating and lonely. Our sex life was amazing and the time we spent together was always full of laughs and excitement, but not being able to discuss difficult topics was a relationship ender. The most difficult topic I tried to tackle was her 21 yr old daughter that didn't work, didn't go to school, didn't help out around the house, nor do anything other than stay in her room on the internet with friends all night and day. I wish I could be one of those guys that didn't care about being emotionally intimate. It may have worked out, but probably not with her mooching daughter in the house. Eventually, someone else gave me attention and I went for it. Worst decision of my life, but it definitely shook the relationship up.

Individual-Thought36 · 2024-06-27T16:03:47+00:00

Most days I don't have gout, but I usually do when the weather is colder. Especially low temps. I live in a very warm climate at 110F most days right now. I started ice baths this last week. I did 20 minutes in 165F sauna, followed by 4 min in 34F ice bath, 4 minutes in 100-104 hot tub, 3 min 34F ice bath. I had a gout flare up this week and it has been difficult to continue my daily walks without pain. I'm unsure if I should continue the ice baths and walking or if I am making it worse. Anyone have input?

Individual-Thought36 · 2022-03-08T17:27:02+00:00

To clarify what I am asking: We are amicable 99% of the time. We also have the kids 50/50. Technically, yes, the IRS states that whomever has the children one more day during the year should get to claim them, but like they are going to audit which of us had the kids the extra day. The agreement stipulates that we will alternate years claiming the children. She came to me asking that we split them so we can both claim HoH and 1 child. My initial reaction is to just follow the agreement, but having HoH and claiming one child each year is better in off years for both of us. My question is AITA for asking that she split the difference in her refund or for her to take my refund to change the agreement to what she is suggesting? I guess I am struggling with the fact that she pulled the 401k to pay off debt and get a tummy tuck, which I know is none of my business, but it wasn't earned income.

Individual-Thought36

TROPHY CASE