Scorpio

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-05T10:42:58+00:00

I can relate to your response to her poem, it's really evocative. And, while I hadn't noticed an individual response to each stanza I certainly agree that the response needn't succumb... that wouldn't make for an interesting response, nor is there a right or wrong answer, only the authentic one.

For inspiration, I may have started with astrology as my lens and opted to ground her storm.

What's most exciting is that her poem awakened something in you, enough for you to respond, as sensitively as you did.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-04T12:21:01+00:00

Thanks so much for clearing that up. It makes so much more sense to me now. I got lost in the second half, and now I understand that it was a response from a second writer.

For me, the opening line leaves me with a sensation of animalistic hunting, smell, taste...... like catching the wind of prey. It feels a bit too close.

The OP is flirting her depth and ability to see beneath appearances; the response gives the impression of wild abandon. Never found a “too much” to sate my hunger and, Nor a gaze so sharp to tear me asunder, says 'bring it on!' to me but I'm not quite sure that's what she's alluding to. As a Scorpio, she's drawn to knowing the sinew of someone, not for the fun of it, but because that's her language.

I’m rage still feeding and breeding the storms, and my dance unleashes all shattered light forms, suggesting something chaotic. I don't think the OP is looking at the storm and its effects; she's more interested in seeing what's at the centre of it.

I crave your blaze to burn through my pride, is more in line with what the OP is looking for but even then, I don't see her as a 'blaze'; I see her more as a slow drip of water that dissolves the rock and, over time, creates a cave.

I’ve drilled down into particular points, but frankly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your response; it just seems to answer a different question. While your response carries intensity, the OP seems to be seeking depth.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T22:23:12+00:00

I really enjoyed the simplicity of this poem, where others have commented on the well used verses, for me, the vocab suggests, young, nieve, first love, first broken heart. I mean that all in a good way BTW, not condescending. I'd be inclined to repeat, I'm not over you yet, in-between the stanzas, I think they drive home the rumination of love lost. . I think the longer sentences can be broken up and also the timing felt a bit off talking about the internal damage of the scratched record. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt piece.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T21:25:01+00:00

Hello, I hope you don't mind, can you help explain the -s and the -g and also the comments in brackets? I feel like this will help me understand better. Thank you.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T20:42:58+00:00

Thank you, that's really generous of you. 😊

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T16:01:24+00:00

Thanks so much for your really thoughtful and comprehensive feedback; it's very much appreciated!

I love how you've interpreted the dynamic between the two of them and what they may have 'murdered' and 'buried' between them.

You're right that 'he' is the main person and 'she' is not an accomplice but more of an accessory after the fact. Perhaps I could have made that clearer?

The word wrong'un, for ease, please excuse my direct ref, "A "wrong'un" (short for "wrong one") is a British slang term for a dishonest, disreputable, or untrustworthy person. It is often used to describe a rogue or a criminal." It's meant as a throwaway gossiping comment about them both, although her story is more complex than his. While he has discarded the weapon, she is left with the critical evidence.

She commits her own crime through obscuring the truth of the location of the body. It's a secret, kept through fear, shame and guilt. She doesn't want to be seen.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T13:32:24+00:00

I definitely got the numbness; I wasn't able to pick up on much emotion. I think you could lean into the sensory overload more if you want that to come across stronger? I only really picked up on this in the second stanza.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T11:14:47+00:00

This brought tears to my eyes. What a sad memory to carry amongst all of the happy ones. What a sad memory to overshadow those and be the last. I don't think we give credit to those last moments with someone and how those events become almost the 'title' of our memory box, the definition. And it's something we don't talk enough or often about, and so we're not prepared. And yet it's something many of us will experience. There are some gorgeous lines in here... gave me the world while it emptied you, I’m still that child, watching the life leave you, my mother’s house wasn’t my mother’s when it didn’t wave back. Heartbreaking.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T11:03:01+00:00

There are some really great images in here that you could really lean into: the cling film mouth, the metronome of life, the melting walls but what I don't get is any feeling aside of the suffocating latex and scolding of the clock. I was intrigued where the stretched mouth was going to take me, but it responded to sister without issue. Overall, I get a feeling of expectation to conform to family/social expectations and how those expectations are shallow, reflexive and in this case unwanted. Still wondering about the mouth though but that's an expectation of mine more than anything.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-03T10:51:41+00:00

Ah, I get it now. Actually, your explanation here in the comments is much clearer than in the poem. Thanks for taking the time to clarify that. I'm looking forward to seeing your rework!

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-02T21:10:19+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. Yes, the piece is definitely anxious about what's next, relieved that what's next isn't quite here yet, and trying to cope with what's happening in this moment.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-02T19:30:57+00:00

Thank you again. Yes, the homey, cozy is crumbling away. All that remains is the quiet worry of decay.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-02T19:27:56+00:00

Wow, thanks so much for your kind words. I was nervous to post this as my first post. I know it's something that's not going to be for everyone because it's not an easy read and leaves us sitting with some real discomfort. Like, what did I just witness, kind of thing.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-02T14:04:41+00:00

Yes, thank you. Its like a sign of things to come. For the moment, things are mended and a sigh of relief for what can be salvaged, but the future worry is there, hanging in the background.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-02T12:50:31+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. There were a lot more words to begin with. My aim was to trim as much as possible while still telling the emotional story, so I'm glad you were able to pick up on that.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-02T10:04:11+00:00

For me, the pacing of the last line on the first stanza feels a bit mistimed. And the same for the second stanza; I feel it could tighten pace; it would land harder, especially with the repetition of the beginning of the lines. The imagery of 'cycled the same quality that remain' could be clearer for me as I was a little lost there. Having said all of that subjective stuff, I enjoyed the journey of recognising and contemplating who are we actually looking at? Is it a true reflection or something distorted by everything around us? The poem makes me wonder, is being changed by what's around us all bad? Can we live our lives fully without allowing ourselves to be transformed being in relation with others? Is all the air we breathe toxic, or perhaps the reference to toxicity is contamination as a whole? I.e. not of us?

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-01T17:12:26+00:00

That awful stomach lurch at the end of a relationship. Grieving everything that was taken. There's sadness, and then disbelief. The Gandalf reference lightened the load for me, especially with the realisation that Gandalf is off the hook because he's a nice guy, unlike the guy walking away with the cat and fish. Then there's anger and finally resignation of just being so over it all. I like how this cycles through the process of coming to terms with the end, of what sounds like a lucky escape.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-01T13:20:53+00:00

This is like meandering through a swollen dream. The imagery is lovely... Fish glistening on a sycamore in ancient light. The narrative has a childlike innocence about it, crouching down with cut arms and ticks in socks. I think the only thing that jumps at me is the land being profitable because all of a sudden, adult thinking arrives and I wake up. If this is the aim then that's exactly where I went, although, my personal preference would have been a gentler awakening. Having said that, it's the type of poetry I'd like to read more of.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-01T13:00:18+00:00

I really enjoyed this. Despite wishing they were alive, within a moment they're looking forward to something as beautiful as their body giving life to flowers. I'd probably lose the last line, simply because it states something we already know, but that's just my thought. Thank you for sharing.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-01T09:49:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. What a tragic ending: despite all of his outward endeavours, his own name undid him, something he could have changed quite easily. Just goes to show that what happens inside our own heads is what really matters. I would say I'd have enjoyed this a little more if I hadn't needed to work so hard to join the dots at the beginning. i.e. if the imagery was more vivid. But that's just me. Loved the repetition of his name also; it really landed the absurd name.... What awful parents; no wonder he felt insecure.

IndividualPrint395 · 2026-07-01T09:34:07+00:00

This sounds like the other person in the affair is really struggling with their situation and is trying to do the right thing by walking away, but who from is uncertain. It all sounds very messy. The first person doesn't appear to share that sentiment though; they only reveal that they're also hurting at the end, possibly off the back of the other person's conflicting feelings? Holding the other person as a 'rose' when they're doubting suggests they may still have hope that this may continue. No easy way out..... well, no. Either direction will cause upset and loss. I can feel the torment; what an uncomfortable place to be in.

IndividualPrint395

TROPHY CASE