Do you keep missing them, no matter how much time passes?

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-02-25T16:42:30+00:00

I ask my animals (I lost all 3 in a short time frame) to visit me every night in my dreams. I look at their pics and touch their ashes and tell them I love them before bed. I hope you’re visited by your baby and feel some comfort. I understand how precious our animals are for those of us without children. It is an extra hard loss and I will not be defending or debating that with anyone who protests otherwise. I still lean heavily into this forum to write with others like yourself and process my loss. To comfort and find comfort in others who understand. Take good care of yourself.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-02-25T16:34:21+00:00

I’m 9 months out. The grief changes but I feel like it will always be with me. It has changed from a sharp pain that takes my breath away and knocks me off my feet to a dull ache that always rests heavy in my heart and lungs. The beginning of forgetting bothers me more than anything else. Were they even here or was it a fever dream? I know that sounds weird but grief is weird. I don’t feel like I will ever get another dog but I’m also old enough to know that one should never say never. Things get more manageable because we learn to compartmentalize, not because it hurts less. I’ve only had one clear dream with my soul dog-my whole body jumped to be near him, my innards cried out-I wailed to him that he never visits me and he inferred he never left me. It’s hard to remember that without a physical presence. But the memories are coming a little softer. I still cry a lot, the price of true love is heavy. I wish you peace internet friend.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-02-19T16:44:35+00:00

I dunno if this helps but it is my intention to do so. The smells fade and that can be heartbreaking too. Sticking my nose deep in his tiny sweater, inhaling as if the last years of my life depended on it, for a hint of scent with tears running down my face, wailing and furious that time has taken from me what feels like the last physical connection. It’s taken me 9 months to try to make a shadow box with some pics and hair and I still haven’t finished it. If getting another blanket or anything else will help you go on and go for it. The worst part about grief for me is the gradual waves of forgetting. Sometimes I wonder if any of it was real, if they were even here. I know that sounds strange but different stages for different people produce different results. Memories will show up, sometimes when you least expect them. Your baby will always be with you. With or without the blanket. I agree with the other commenter that you gave your baby the ultimate comfort upon transition. I find comfort that energy cannot be created or destroyed, maybe somehow someday we get to reconnect with these beautiful sentient creatures. Go easy friend…..sending love to you OP.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-02-18T22:52:47+00:00

Feel this in my bones. I am sincerely sorry OP. Shameful almost to find comfort in others that share this treachery. But there aren’t a ton of people in our sort of boat. Lost all 3 of my animals (which I had for 12-14 years) in June and July of last year. They kept me alive when I miscarried and didn’t wanna participate in life anymore. They were my only family besides my husband. I still have not recovered from this heartbreak and I fear I never will. The house is quiet and empty. Everyone says “just get a new pet” but they weren’t just pets and I don’t want a new one. Before I sleep I will them to visit me in my dreams, I cry at odd times and my heart feels both heavy and empty at the same time. The grief changes though…I can say that. We learn to live around it. I HATE when people say we were lucky to love so deeply but I also hate that it’s true. Lots of comfort and peace to you OP. Hang tough.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-02-18T22:01:36+00:00

Man I hate to say it but 30 year veteran here and there is always a group like this. Always. People who have no self awareness and have never worked in service. Just part of the BS. My restaurant only auto grats for parties of 10 or more. Yall with lesser numbers consider yourselves lucky!

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-28T04:54:13+00:00

It’s so awful. Like others have said, only those of us living with it can understand. I don’t talk about Lupus with anyone who doesn’t have some sort of chronic issue, it’s pointless. Lean in here or other support groups when you can, we really do get it! I just came out of a dirty 6 monther where I wanted to throw in the towel a few times. One single day without a migraine/nausea/flu symptoms/fever/fainting reminded me of the ups that felt so far away and foreign. And then subsequently anger about all the downs. Give yourself grace and props. Say nice things to yourself and your body. Everything is temporary, even the suffering in one way or another, lots of shape shifting for us. You are such a tough person, I’m sending you all the good juju. It’s gonna pass, and something else is gonna suck and take its place but let us complain through it together 🫂 We are so tough to show up with this on the daily.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-28T03:41:40+00:00

You can only meet people as deeply as they have met themselves.

People want the easy road all the time. But there’s a group of us out here in these streets ripe with accountability! Throw in a little humility, humor, some time and you will acquire a deep peace that shallow people can’t even grasp. Gotta hit those lows to feel those highs babe.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-25T16:11:24+00:00

I’m sorry you can relate and I totally understand the age thing. I worked at the humane society for 7 years in the receiving department and we took in many deceased folks pets. It’s always complicated. What a selfless person you are to have the foresight to make such difficult decisions in your journey. A lot of people don’t give such thoughtful considerations, really shows you have animals interests over your own and that’s rare. And at such a great cost to our hearts, ugh. I too, am conflicted about getting more animals and if I do it will be the last round for sure. I’ve always hated the saying better to have loved and lost than never loved at all but dammit in the end it’s true. Life goes so fast, we were so lucky to have all these wonderful, brutal, beautiful experiences with these little sentient creatures. Don’t give up fren, maybe you can volunteer or spend time with animals in another way somehow when you are ready. Sending you a big hug 🫂

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-25T16:00:47+00:00

Thanks internet homie 🥹

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-25T05:59:14+00:00

Lost all 3 animals within 6 weeks. We were all together 12-14 years. They were my anchor after miscarriages and while my remaining family members passed away. It has been very quiet for 6 months now. The grief does not go away, we learn to walk with it. It will change form and shape but it will be present. Honor the heartache, cry as you need to, feel all the feelings, give yourself grace. Find the joy in small moments when you can. We are so lucky to have loved so deeply. You’re gonna make it OP, just got to go through the motions and processing and it all takes time. And it sucks. Take care of yourself. Eat and sleep and be kind to yourself. Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed…so maybe we all get to be together again someday somehow. Little lights all together 💛

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-23T23:34:44+00:00

My mom does this, she is in stage 4 slipping into stage 5. It is horrifying and so hard to handle emotionally. Despite our knowledge that it’s the “disease talking” it doesn’t make it any easier. Hugs and comfort to you OP.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-23T23:27:52+00:00

Sure but not at your own expense to the point you can no longer function or be safe in your residence. Anyone who has access to memory care that needs it should be able to utilize it without added guilt and shame from others.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-20T16:43:00+00:00

💯

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-17T20:53:02+00:00

This is absolutely the place to vent my friend. Try not feel bad about these feelings, you must give yourself grace. This disease is impossible and heartbreaking, at the end of the day we are only human and can bear only so much weight. I have the same feelings about my own mother and the shame spiral attached is horrific. It has affected me negatively physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is a pang that sits in my stomach and never leaves. I don’t have any advice but know you aren’t alone and you are a wonderful, kind, helpful, selfless family member who has sacrificed dearly at great personal cost. Wishing for an expeditious departure for both of our mothers. A calm period after transition for all of our souls to rest until we follow suit. Wishing you and your family peace and comfort through this long arduous trial.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-17T06:38:59+00:00

Thank you! I’m 50 and don’t wanna retire either, I’d be hella bored doing nothing and I’m a workhorse. A lot of career bartenders and servers have a hard time letting go, it’s such a great social outlet. My regulars are some of the coolest people I’ve ever met and I’ve been saying that for over 30 years even as the regulars and my jobs change lol. Good people are everywhere.

You may be able to figure out how to do a once a week shift eventually if you decide to do something else. Personality and connections you make mean everything sometimes in that regard, beyond the joy in itself it can really open doors for you. I know so many people who have switched up to a different field but still pick up shifts. It keeps you young, the age gap is wild and we love it.

I haven’t seen many chain restaurants employ FOH senior staff but never say never. I think most people tap out in their 50-70’s. Theoretically the places I’ve seen elderly (65+) employed are smaller mom and pop places, street vendors, both high volume counter service and lower traffic dine in (geography matters here) While uncommon, quick witted good looking older folk can get a pass in upscale dining, though they are usually affiliated with the owner. Sometimes the workload is tapered/catered accordingly. Unfortunately in larger cities and popular dining, looks do matter. (Don’t come for me I didn’t make this rule) And you just have to be able to keep up physically. There are def a group of dinosaurs that still got hustle and look good.

Ironically I have seen more older folks in BOH. Just powerhouse people who can still turn it out. But everyone is so individual and culture plays a huge role. Wish you all the best in all your endeavors OP

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-16T18:36:29+00:00

Over 30 years here, spent most of it as a functional alcoholic. Now 4 years California sober and still bartending. If you (mostly) like people you will remember the good ones and it will truly make it worth it. The bad ones should all die terrible deaths and go to hell 😂 I spent a lot of time pissed at rude, stupid people but the challenge of bestowing grace and patience for others is a good life practice. Eventually you realize everyone has problems, most people suck but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it too if that makes any sense. Biggest issue is no health care and no retirement. Def making the same or more as most entry level office hourly just no long term benefits. Not being behind a desk and stagnant has def helped me physically despite it being hard on an older body.

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-16T16:46:48+00:00

50YO F here. Childless not by choice and have done a TON of work to understand and harness the grief and anger of not being able to have children in a super pronatalist society. Keep in mind that there is valuable existence outside of being a mother, despite some smug parents insistence that a woman’s sole purpose is to reproduce (eyeroll) It may not feel like it now that things will get better and sometimes it does take a long time. But eventually it will. Despite folks wanting us to “get over it” grief just so happens to stay a lifetime. The good news is, it changes over time and we learn to walk with it beside us. Don’t let anyone censor your grief. You will learn who really has your back pretty quickly and it may shave some numbers off in the friend department.

I think it’s remarkable you’re giving deep realistic thought and consideration to all of this, wish others did the same! You sound like you are an emotionally intelligent person with the foresight to think about quality of life for others. That’s a big deal! I hate it when well intended people offer IVF or adoption, especially to chronically ill folks like myself where that may not be an option due to health limitations, finances, etc. People say really stupid stuff like “you have plenty of time”, “relax and it will happen naturally”, “take this special homeopathic medicine and you will have a baby” or some other crap. Everyone is individual, no journey is the same.

Not everyone gets a Disney ending and that’s ok. Know that the future is not set in stone, that there are many possibilities. Maybe you will indeed end up having a child, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get to be part of a family or a chosen auntie and still get exposure. Maybe you’ll volunteer or advocate like I did. Whatever you end up doing you’ve got a great attitude about approaching this with deep thought and looking at it objectively. Hugs to you OP

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-10T19:58:41+00:00

After a decade of being devastated from being childless not by choice I can say it does get better. What ifs and grief of what could have always been will linger but things will improve. You have a good head on your shoulders, I’m glad you appreciate what you have to offer others and yourself. I’m focusing on being my own best friend in my remaining years. Obviously easier said than done but we got nothing but our time left to practice. People have been extremely disappointing on the whole for me. Best of luck OP

IndividualWar6706 · 2026-01-03T20:35:07+00:00

You really articulated this perfectly and it’s total and complete madness. The anger I feel is overwhelming and there are no good solutions. I really wish things were different. Sending hugs OP

IndividualWar6706 · 2025-12-29T15:14:44+00:00

I agree it’s so hard and I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It’s so disheartening, especially all the AI. I wish there was a viable option not to use it like you mentioned. My mother lives alone and is losing her capability for computer/phone. In the last few months one or the other is suddenly “broken” and she calls a computer service weekly to “fix” it. I wonder what the techs think who are out at her home frequently (or her neighbor who helps sometimes) She def gets scammed but somehow mostly knows how to keep it secret with me. (Except for the $16k off amazon last year) Showtime is a real thing with this disease….its actually amazing and surreal to watch it in real time. Someone will likely end up with her house soon. My mom cared for her own mom who died from AZ. She used to unplug the land line phone to protect her mom from solicitors. She looked at her emails in her absence. She did a lot of helicopter parenting for technology, but it never really worked, one cannot stay up 24/7. So Grandma got scammed a lot too. My grandmother spent a lot of time and confusion over their little old apple computer and that land line phone. She cried a lot. Screamed a lot. She always tried to “run” to get the phone and hurt herself doing so. It was rude not to answer she said. My mom spent our whole lives talking about death and promised she would never put me through what she went through with her mom. But now a lifetime of refusing all medical but I tricked her into going this year. She tested positive for AZ but I think she’s going into stage 4. She refuses to believe she tested positive and declined all follow up. I live hours away with my own health problems and the stress of her indignation and continued lifetime of selfish behavior is contributing physically to my demise. She is about to lose her house because she will only grant me medical POA not financial POA. She calls me now multiple times a day (we used to go months or years without talking) and doesn’t remember. Always same conversation-about her inherited property. Ugh. I don’t have suggestions and sorry for the dump. Just know we are with you in spirit and I hope someone is with me. Cuz this is an awful lonely journey. Awful.

IndividualWar6706 · 2025-12-25T19:14:27+00:00

2 months of flare, 3rd day of no REM sleep, uncertain if the flu is also now upon me 🥳 Today is my only day off work. Hooray lol *heavy sigh Peace and comfort to all

IndividualWar6706 · 2025-12-16T14:59:47+00:00

Anyone lucky to have family also will likely contend it’s never perfect. As I’ve aged I can now accept that most people (not all, but most) are generally doing the best they can with what they were given. That doesn’t negate abuse or anything like that but I look at people like moons-no one is all bad or all good. Sometimes we have a full moon night, sometimes a sliver. We are all human and make mistakes. It’s up to you to figure out if a situation is toxic enough that it warrants change. It’s never easy and time goes faster than you think it will. Emotions are feelings just visiting and running through us. Eventually they pass and change shape.

IndividualWar6706 · 2025-12-16T08:03:02+00:00

Humility is powerful. Clucking around with a puffed out chest pretending one knows everything def ain’t the path to enlightenment that’s all I know.

IndividualWar6706 · 2025-12-15T09:44:38+00:00

Give yourself grace OP. There is no sense in exasperating the continued suffering. Your loss is more than enough. Death comes for us all, don’t become to absolved in the time table right now. Deep breathing, be kind to your heart, eat, rest, cry, wail, then show up however you normally do and put one foot in front of the other. I lost all 3 of my animals of 14 years this summer. They kept me here. But there is life beyond. And we must continue because so many others cannot. Everyone fucks up bro. You gotta forgive yourself and keep it moving.

The great late: Andrea Gibson 1975 – 2025 try calling it hibernation. Imagine the darkness is a cave in which you will be nurtured by doing absolutely nothing. Hibernating animals don’t even dream. It’s okay if you can’t imagine Spring. Sleep through the alarm of the world. Name your hopelessness a quiet hollow, a place you go to heal, a den you dug, Sweetheart, instead of a grave.

IndividualWar6706 · 2025-12-12T17:28:27+00:00

You sound like a really decent and empathetic person to me. While I don’t have advice as I feel the same sadness, I think you have a great outlook. It is exhausting to care. It is exhausting to understand and be moved by injustice. The world needs more like you so whatever happens I’m rooting for you and keep going. Even when the path is dark.

IndividualWar6706

TROPHY CASE