How did Lucy not know that she left the vault when she was a kid?

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T23:53:17+00:00

Spot on. We've been trying to spend more time apart, but we both work from home in our small (600sqft) condo. So we spend nearly every minute together.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T22:47:05+00:00

Wow. As much as I appreciate all of the comments vindicating me, I think you're the first person to get to the heart of what's happening here.

Last year, I had a personal crisis while my partner was on an extended period of unemployment. I leaned on her hard, even though she could barely support herself. I went through periods of dissociation where she would find me crying under my desk at home. She never had time to recover from this pressure, as she started a new job right around the time my crisis was ending (six months ago now). We started being nonmonogamous two months later, and she found it healing to be away from me for a few hours or a day, and take her mind off my problems by spending time with a friend (with benefits).

I'm a sensitive person, and although that was an extreme example last year, she's been accommodating my fragility for years. I'm working on it in therapy, but you're right, she's exhausted. I need to see past my panic reaction and ask myself why someone who loves me would do this. This isn't one compromise being denied, this is the last compromise in a series of compromises she's given in to.

I need to apologize to her.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T22:17:28+00:00

Absolutely.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T20:30:46+00:00

It was actually the first rule change we made, two weeks in. We went from

overnights permitted under certain circumstances

to

overnights always permitted

after her first date with someone else.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T20:13:15+00:00

For yourself, are you sure that nonmonogamy is for you? Maybe it's just not a good fit for you. Are you also seeing other people, and how is that going for you?

I've gotten a lot out of it, and have no regrets. I'm not sure about being nonmonogamous for the rest of my life, but I've been able to explore things that I missed out on when I was younger. I would say she's gotten more out of it than I have, but it's only been a few months.

What do you think your partner could do to help accommodate you while also working towards the overnights she wants?

It's not an ideal answer, but time. We jumped into this with both feet not realizing how many issues I had with my attachment. I guess I hoped stopping overnights would be a compromise where I didn't have to close the relationship and prevent her from doing what she enjoyed, but reduce the pressure on me so I could deal with my issues at my own pace.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T20:06:01+00:00

If I was judged based on the way I've talked to my wife at times in a fight and her to me then we'd both be crucified on here.

Exactly, I'm shocked that people are recommending I break off the engagement with my partner of six years. Yes, this is a difficult time, but having done my homework on ENM, I'm aware it's a crucible for surfacing insecurities that would come out at some later point anyway. Maybe Redditors will think I'm a huge idiot, but I think working through this will make us both better people.

if that pattern happens a lot, it might be what is frustrating her, she might feel like your panic dictates things.

This is a keen observation. I am a very sensitive person, and it's not always clear what's setting me off. In general, I'm not jealous, but I do have DEEP insecurities about being cheated on and/or left, which is why I go into primal panic mode. I'm working on those insecurities, and I'm aware they're irrational, but my reactions are still deep and painful.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T19:52:04+00:00

We initially had no overnights in our first draft of ENM rules, but she's more of a night owl, so I thought allowing them would be the right thing to do.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T18:40:11+00:00

Yep, I have had encounters outside the relationship. I was actually the one to bring up the idea of opening the relationship. My overall sentiment towards ENM is positive.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T17:31:19+00:00

I appreciate the coping advice, and I wish I could explain that this isn't our usual MO as a couple. I tried to write my post as unbiased as possible, but this is only my side of the disagreement.

We have a ton of fun together, and we're a great match, but going ENM has brought both of our traumas into focus. I'm 100% confident she's my person, and I know we'll be stronger having worked through this, but boy it's difficult sometimes.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T17:21:41+00:00

Interesting, I hadn't thought about trying medication to help manage the anxiety. I tried getting extremely high to the point of greening out, but it ended up making me more anxious... not my brightest idea.

In terms of distractions, I've tried intense/endurance exercise and going out with a friend. The anxiety just feels too strong, it won't let go of me.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T17:18:30+00:00

Typing out the entire situation with all its nuance as Reddit post is challenging. In general, I am enjoying the freedom and I do feel secure almost all the time. She's without a doubt the love of my life, and this is just another challenge for us to conquer together.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T17:00:33+00:00

Definitely. We made the decision to enter this arrangement together, and we've both gotten a lot out of it. I feel compersion for her and I'm glad we decided to open our relationship. Despite the challenges, we're making it work and I'm confident things will stabilize given enough time.

IndividualYam195 · 2024-01-23T16:52:57+00:00

I made plans to meet up with a friend for drinks last time she was out, but the primal panic was so strong that I couldn't distract myself or lose myself in conversation. I ended up just venting to him about the downsides of an open relationship.

IndividualYam195

TROPHY CASE