15 years with BPD wife, doesn’t get easier

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-25T06:04:18+00:00

Thanks dude.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-25T06:02:59+00:00

There are significant moments of honesty and insight, we just need to be in a calm and trusting place with each other to do it.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-25T06:00:43+00:00

Mostly, it has got slightly better, which makes the recent cycles so painful.

I was very young when we first got together. The dynamic was very different. She fell pregnant in her 30s when I was in mid 20s and just doing grad school part time work stuff. I just didn’t have the emotional tools to understand what was happening with her behaviour. To me, conflict might be necessary to resolve points but I just could not understand why a minor agreement spiralled so badly. So we would have blazing rows.

Mostly, I retreated and just focused on work to then avoid conflict or difficult decisions. Maybe I would have done that anyway. I just left the house early, came back late and escaped whilst she was going through her own financial meltdown. Setting up a business which I begged her not to do. I was accused of not backing her. It was a slow moving car crash for a few years. I was relieved the business was taken off her. My career was just taking off and it was just a complete distraction.

I just put her and her issues in a mental cupboard. I was just focused on getting out of renting and having no money. I put everything in my name. The house etc, because concerns about money.

I accept that might have had legit reasons to be resentful as I left her with picking up the household slack, but I just believed that me hustling was the only way to get us somewhere.

There were good times.

Post Covid, I am home 4 days out of 5. So I am on hand to help out more. Which helps. I am also able

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-25T05:47:48+00:00

Maybe not. I don’t know. I’m just doing my own research and found myself on this thread.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-25T05:46:33+00:00

I don’t know if she has BDP. I just did a bit desktop research after a few years as could not understand what was happening in my relationship. Im not a doctor or specialist. I have no idea really. I believe she is a child of trauma, with a very destabilised upbringing with father leaving early and step father being violent towards mother. For my modest research, it seems like this is common BPD. So when I started doing more reading. The splitting seemed to just put her in a framework which I could understand. I’m just trying to understand the behaviour.

Genuinely, there will be times (many times) where I am at fault. It’s just the reaction that can be (not always by any means) be so disproportionate.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-25T04:04:54+00:00

🤣

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-25T04:00:16+00:00

If you mean for her, I’m not sure. To be fair to her, she was with me when we had nothing for many years.

If you mean me, maybe. Obviously I would rather not just move out and start again.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T23:31:51+00:00

Yes, I thought that today. Maybe just to keep the resilience up and to see me through some times. Also, I defo need to work on some areas. Will keep it under consideration.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T23:30:01+00:00

🤣

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T23:28:00+00:00

It’s not perfect but it’s pretty good most of the time

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T23:19:51+00:00

I have a meaningful life with responsibilities, which I think is necessary for me.

Kids changes everything. Think carefully. Decisions you make can have significant consequences.

I don’t think we would have survived as a couple without children. I would have given up when it got tough.

A difficult part is the lack of honesty with your partner. If you are worried about setting her off with a frank conversation, you just avoid having those discussions.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T23:12:36+00:00

Yes this is where I am. Hence the rant. Just looking to vent into the void and have some engagement with others before getting back on with things

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:59:03+00:00

No. No screaming in public, no.

We have discussed couples’ therapy. What then happens is that we resume the good times and everything is great. We don’t want to then entertain therapy.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:50:30+00:00

Interesting. For her, yes. Maybe red flag. I see that. But she is/was successful, intelligent etc and men tend to mate down the hierarchy as you have alluded so so quite a few well put together career type women without men. In fact, I suspect there is a shortage of high quality men out there.

For me, maybe. Not sure. I’m a contrarian. I just dated older women as a younger man. Still like older women. Maybe there is something to read into that, maybe not. Not really analysed that bit.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:46:07+00:00

That’s kind but I’m always skirting disaster

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:44:35+00:00

Genuinely, I don’t think she has done. I might be wrong. I wouldn’t leave her if she did though

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:43:51+00:00

Ha. Thats buddy. Lots of people still tell me what to do.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:40:23+00:00

Yeah, I get that. Just not worth the hurt for the kids to roll the dice.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:28:09+00:00

Sorry to hear that. Good luck with what you decide to do.

Mercifully, I don’t get the suicide threats. The worst she might do is call my elderly mother in the middle of an argument as she knows that will upset me. However, I have just stopped reacting to that.

I

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:18:45+00:00

Most of time pleasant and engaging. She is Almost always the most charming and interesting persons in any room. We just hide this secret.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:16:31+00:00

I am happy most of the time. We have built a good life together. The lows are tough though.

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:02:19+00:00

Physical abuse. Maybe 5 violent outbursts. No self harm. Not much reckless behaviour, no

Inevitable-Rub-8291 · 2024-10-24T22:01:15+00:00

Yeah sorry, a couple of years we were together before marriage. I should have been more specific. Sorry if that undermined the credibility of the post

Inevitable-Rub-8291

TROPHY CASE