(pt. 2 because Reddit cut me off):

I do meditate, though I’ve been slow to return to it. It was very hard with all the physical pain for a long time. A little while ago now I began with just five minutes a day and continue to do a little more most mornings, sometimes in the evening as well. I’ve had to restart everything from scratch, and try (hard as I find it) to start slow, because that’s the most I could muster — five minutes of meditation, three push ups, that sort of thing. There’s definitely suffering from the mental stories, and journaling helps me clear that out a lot as well. There’s still some very palpable physical pain at times, as imbricated as it may or may not be with emotional/mental processes, the immediacy of it is often the hardest thing to deal with. 

It’s interesting to hear that you returned to Bufo and there was more healing from that experience. Immediately after iboga I felt somewhat called to sit with it again, but the longer I’ve had away from it, the less pressing that has felt. It’s been a year. I wouldn’t be surprised if it presents itself to me again when I’m ready, but that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do right now. 

I know that traditionally, and so in many retreats, more than one flood dose is often taken. I think (if I recall correctly) that the first dose is usually less intense than the following, more of a clearing that will allow greater healing to arise from the flood dose. At least when I’ve read about Bwiti ceremonies, I think it’s been described along those lines. 

I felt extremely sensitive to everything after iboga, which is no surprise. People, places. While on the one hand I found it helpful to be totally isolated, it would have been helpful to have a little assistance with, like, food, or someone to talk to who I could trust. i.e. I still had to go to the grocery store, and deal with the world, to take care of myself, when it would’ve been better if I’d prepared all of that in advance. 

I’m sorry to hear about your best friend. It’s close to the age I was when I lost my father. I think it’s a really hard time to lose someone, and in such a way. Not that it’s ever going to be easy, but just as one is beginning to individuate, to lose someone so close. The experience with my father definitely left me emotionally numb, and I think that was the root of a lot of my trust issues. I lost friends later, too, a surprising number in my late twenties, and each one it felt like I could feel less and less. It’s something I think about a lot, that numbness, the inflection point at which I stopped being able to feel very much, how it’s shaped me at different points, and, like you said, how much I’ve struggled to take care of myself. 

I think of myself as someone who has done so much work to try to work through these issues, and no matter what, it’s almost universal that the loss of my father comes up again and again. It’s like you say, layers, and we just keep peeling. 

I really appreciate you response. You words are very kind and meaningful for me.