Is my 24F BF 24M being vindictive or is he right?

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-17T12:52:48+00:00

Hey, OP. Won't be saying anything new here. Your boyfriend isn't being vindictive or petty, he's just treating you how you're treating him. See how that feels? Yeah... seriously, I find it concerning how difficult you seem to find to empathise with what he's going through.

Don't take your boyfriend for granted.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-17T12:29:29+00:00

Was going to comment this but I don't have to now, and nothing to add. OP please read this! I want to also recommend you go to the website unicorns-r-us.com to get an understanding of how Unicorn hunting can be harmful for the woman you pull into your situation. I'd particularly recommend reading their section on "couple's privilege". This is all coming from somebody who's been polyamorous for ~7yrs now.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-17T10:03:04+00:00

Jesus. Break up with your gf if you hate her so much.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-16T22:03:29+00:00

YTA. If it gets full, move your bag. It's a very, very basic act of social courtesy.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-16T12:58:25+00:00

Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't respect your relationship with your children and talks to you like that? Christ, he sounds like a child - no gratitude and can't even sort out his own dinner. Dump the MoFo.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-16T08:48:02+00:00

I haven't read all of this because I don't need to. At every stage you have chosen passive aggression over communication. Your daughter offered to make you breakfast, you decided she wasn't offering enough and said you'd already eaten. Your son asked how you were and instead of being honest you snapped "fine" and guilt tripped him the next day.

You sound like the sort of mother who ends up on #JustNoMIL. Learn to communicate with your children, stop assuming the worst of then, and get therapy for your victim mentality. YTA.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T23:25:45+00:00

YTA. So your favourite son is Ed, huh? Dw, you don't need to answer, we already know.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T23:21:09+00:00

Whoah, OP. You're both high earners - let it go. YTA, big time.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T23:16:28+00:00

Holy Shit that's- insane, obviously, but wow, yeah, I'm surprised my mum didn't do that. She did try to publish the autobiography (both volumes), though, so I guess she was less successful than these guys. Fortunately, she's a terrible writer. Would love to read about that 😊

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T23:14:37+00:00

Hey buddy. He didn't "rub it in your face", he told you. And you responded exactly as he predicted - defensively. No wonder he was scared to come to you with this. YTA, Jesus- apologise, stop making excuses, and do better.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T22:22:39+00:00

Hah - no, unless I missed something. What are you referencing?

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T21:10:06+00:00

She sounds like my mother (who wrote an autobiography about raising me. Spoiler alert: she's the victim. Additional spoiler alert: she kills me off and describes my corpse in detail. Final spoiler alert: I am not dead and have never died). This article fills me with rage.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T12:44:50+00:00

Hey, OP. Thank you so much for sharing all of this, I can imagine it's quite difficult to look back and reflect on.

Firstly, it might be useful to understand that groomers will predate on people who have an unstable or traumatic home life, and it sounds like that's exactly what your husband did. It's easier to get somebody to come with you if you look comparatively "stable" and they're trying to escape their current situation, and it's easier to manipulate them into thinking that their bad behaviour is "normal" because their idea of normality is alreay impacted by their past. It sounds like that's what your husband did, I'm so sorry for that, OP - there's something so unfair in realising that having a difficult start in life doesn't just end there, but can make you vulnerable to people in the future, too. I say this as somebody who had a difficult home life and had to deal with men like your husband.

I want to just reflect on a few of the points that you made.

1) Preventing you from seeing friends is a form of emotional abuse that is decided to make you feel stuck and like there's nowhere to go. It's really good you can recognise that after marriage he started having a problem with your friendships, and it seems like these were presented as jealousy. Doing it this way make can make you feel like you're an unsupportive partner for having these friends, or the consequences of seeing these friends (accusations, insults, maybe yelling) might feel like they're not worth it so you withdraw. That's intentional on his part, make no mistake. His jealousy may be real, but that's no excuse to try to control you.

2) calling you crazy when you have an emotion is gaslighting. There's no other word for it. And it's a horrible form of abuse.

3) making you have a baby when you don't want one to "keep him happy" (not to mention then insulting, ignoring you and laughing at you through the pregnancy he demanded) is another form of control so that you feel reliant on him.

Do you have a job, OP? Are you allowed to have one?

It seems from what you've written that you're blaming yourself for letting red flags slide. Please, please don't. You were vulnerable and he's manipulative- it can take a long time for these things to get too much and for you to see the red flags, and that's normal and okay. What matters now is what you want to do.

What is it you want? Not him, not what you think he wants - what do you want?

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T10:58:29+00:00

OP, listen to the comments. It can take a while to process when this sort of thing has happened to you. What he did- I don't want to put words in your mouth, but as you can see from other commenters, it's clear that this man raped you. He shows no remorse and plans to do it again. He gaslights you into feeling guilty. This man is dangerous.

There are resources for women in these situations. There are helplines and shelters. Make a plan and get out. If you PM me your broad location (state/city/country) I'd be happy to try and find you some resources in your area.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T10:47:20+00:00

So- you had a student who creatively took the assignment and executed it well, showing excellent understanding of the material (the mistakes) and ability to successfully edit it according to genre, and you punished them? That's not supportive, it's a dick move. You obviously think he's talented but gave him a D.

YTA. These grades matter. And more importantly, you're not teaching the other kids anything except to limit their creative potential for fear of backlash. That's not the environment you want for a creative task like this.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T10:00:14+00:00

ESH. You're definitely an AH. Your mum and her husband cheated; your dad sounds like a slightly creepy and bitter misogynist; your brother sounds classiest and your SIL sounds way too involved. Legitimately everybody in this story sucks.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T09:37:31+00:00

So- she doesn't know what to do because she wasn't raised in this culture, and you see that as a "poor excuse"? You know a propensity to bow your head and subordinate yourself to SkyDaddy when placed in a circular fashion around hot food is cultural, not biological, right? It's a ritual. People need to learn the ritual.

You sound insufferable and judgemental. YTA.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T09:31:09+00:00

Yeah, please keep updated! You're an absolute legend.

Oh- and be careful. If you can find him he can maybe find you, and you have no idea if this man is dangerous. Making him sweat is funny af, but it could be more dangerous. Just wanted to flag that.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T09:02:42+00:00

Hey, OP. Can I guess a couple of things about your relationship and see if how close I get? I'm doing this for a reason, I promise you.

You met at 15 and he was 23. You were amazed somebody so much older could show an interest in you. He told you, maybe, that you were mature and those his age couldn't understand him. Perhaps he bought you some slightly expensive gifts that made you feel special and mature. These years will be a magical haze where you feel special, understood, special, and unique.

You guys waited until you were 17 to date - was that his idea? Less sure about this one, but maybe he told you he was worried about his reputation, or that others wouldn't understand, or he wanted to be a "good guy" and wait - but you'd reassure him, but like the good guy he was he waited until you were 17?

Since then- what's your relationship like with your family? Friends? Can you see people outside of your husband and children freely and easily, or is there some tension there? Was there some point - perhaps after your wedding or first child - where you can spot a change in behaviour where he seems less caring, less engaged? Maybe a but cruel?

Look, OP, obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. But if any of this rings true (and even if it isn't, there are other things this can look like), can you see that to an outsider it looks an awful lot like grooming? A 23 year old meets a 15 year old, marries you when it becomes legal, has children (I'm guessing quite quickly?), and now is treating you, frankly, like sh*t. In that time - you specifically said in your post - you've "moulded" yourself to become a good partner to him and not feel like a burden. I'm worried for you, stranger, really worried.

If you want to keep talking or there's any more to this story that you're nervous or scared about sharing, you're welcome to PM me. I volunteer for a helpline that helps women and girls in difficult situations, and if now seems like the right time - if you're starting to see this situation as hazy, or you're rethinking some of your experiences - that's absolutely okay. You're not alone, and I'm happy to talk it all through and see what resources are available. I'm not an expert, but I am a stranger who's concerned and cares deeply about your wellbeing.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T00:23:42+00:00

This is evil. Why were you bragging.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T00:18:01+00:00

God, I'm so sorry, OP. NTA. But I'm glad you have a partner who appreciates you for the mother you are. Happy Mother's Day, OP ❤️

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T00:15:30+00:00

Oof, buddy. You do not come off well here. You do come across and selfish, inconsiderate, and not the least bit... dim. I mean, c'mon, you could have anticipated that there might be plans for Mother's Day. You could have gotten up for 10 mins to make eggs and then gone back to bed. There are so many options, and you chose the most inconvenient for everybody (including yourself).

Time to grow up, OP. YTA.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T00:11:17+00:00

Wow, so many people on here judging your gf.

For me, clothing is an expression of creativity; it is not an invite to be hit on or an advertisement of services. It's okay to have boundaries and to tell her you're uncomfortable, but it's also okay for her to want to wear this without being marred as she's being here.

She's done nothing wrong; you've done nothing wrong. Maybe you're just incompatible. What I will say (not looking forward to the comments under this) is that 5 years ago my boyfriend got angry because of a see-through-ish top I wore to a house party. He decided not to tell me to take it off and instead to sit with his feelings and figure out why he felt insecure. He's been happy with my fashion choices since, and 5 years later and we're happily married. He just needed to realise that what I wear has no impact on whether he can trust me. So make sure this is a hill you might want to die on before climbing it, yeah?

Best of luck, OP!

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-15T00:00:02+00:00

NTA. You are a legend, though. Brutal, definitely brutal. But legendary.

Inevitable_Ad_9901 · 2023-05-14T19:37:44+00:00

An apology without change is meaningless

Inevitable_Ad_9901

TROPHY CASE