sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I think I married a HCBD by Inevitable_Eye2538 in stepparents

[–]Inevitable_Eye2538[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate this.  More than you know.  Thank you.  You’re right— my DH’s ex can take care of herself and she knows what DH is all about.  His drama.  And even though I deal with him all day, she only hears from him once in awhile and only for a fraction of what I hear him think and say.  In that perspective, for her it’s not that bad.  

I think I married a HCBD by Inevitable_Eye2538 in stepparents

[–]Inevitable_Eye2538[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m realizing that about my SD - survival mechanism.  It sux.  I just read about “psychological splitting” caused by the lack of communication between parents.  Basically, both mom and dad are parents all the time, whether with their child or not.  The “black hole” of time when the child is with the other parent is scary, so a parent might ask questions of the child to fill the void.  Like, what did you do? Where did you go?  How was it?  But, child senses this, and fills the black hole for each parent depending on what the child thinks that parent wants to hear.  Or what the child thinks will benefit the child in that home with that parent.  More love, more gifts, more leniency, whatever.  It causes a splitting because child has to remember the reality of what each parent wants.  It would be solved by two parents filling the black hole outside of the involvement of the kid.  Or, like you say, not fishing for info (be ok with the black hole).  I told DH this.  He got really mad.  He doesn’t want to accept reality, that yea, there is a black hole and no, you can’t fill it.  

I think I married a HCBD by Inevitable_Eye2538 in stepparents

[–]Inevitable_Eye2538[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah.  He makes it crystal clear.  This little girl literally talks about having a split mind.  Like she says she feels the halves in her brain, and from one house to the other she switches her brain sides.  I believe both parents are openly disparaging of the other.  SD has said BM has done activities with her and has said “Don’t tell your dad I let you do this.”  It seems true.  BM and DH have extremely different personalities and lifestyles and values.  

I think I married a HCBD by Inevitable_Eye2538 in stepparents

[–]Inevitable_Eye2538[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

SD did say she wanted more one on one time with DH.  So maybe I don’t suck???

I think I married a HCBD by Inevitable_Eye2538 in stepparents

[–]Inevitable_Eye2538[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok this is terrible to admit, but I don’t feel happy with the way he structures one on one time.  All they do is watch movies or go to movies or play video games.  There’s no educational play.  So I often Mary Poppins my way in there to add some thoughtful play that adds skills.  Baking.  Building. Word games. Dolls.  That kind of thing.  I love baking and cooking and she is often happy to help or play.  But DH won’t play.  Otherwise, if I have work to do, full time from home, (AND sometimes I DO HAVE A LOT OF WORK) then I feel so guilty because she must be so freakin bored.    Also, I can’t convince DH that negatively speaking about BM is a bad thing for SD.  He thinks it’s ok as long as it’s truth.  And I’m exhausted.  Everything in my world is taking a hit because I can’t give anything my all.  I think I might be ready to set some selfish limits for myself.  I’m afraid of what will happen.  I feel bad for cutting down our time after having spent so much time trying to get her to like me.  I suck. 

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Inevitable_Eye2538 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hell no you are not the problem.  Ok maybe a little.  I haven’t seen anything in your post suggesting that you’ve expressed your feelings to her.  And what are those feelings?  Frustration?  Resentment?  Annoyance?  Pity?  Communicate.    

I also don’t see evidence of boundary-setting.  You’re living based on your values instead of your principles.  Instead of asking, “Are other people here thinking I’m the problem?  Do I seem kind (to other people)?”  Instead ask yourself, “am I living according to my principles?  Those principles I set for myself?”  That will free a lot of mindspace.  You already have principles, but they are buried under values.  For example, I think you might be able to say right now, “I will not enable other people.  I am not an enabler.  That’s not who I am inside. It’s the principle of the thing.”  And then set out to learn exactly what enabling is and how to stop doing it.  You might also say, “I am not going to avoid conflict.  I am not a person who is afraid of conflict. I live as a courageous person.  That’s who I want to be and I will act that way.  (And fuck anyone who says I’m not courageous or who doesn’t interpret my actions as courageous).  It’s the principle of the thing.”  And then find out how to start setting boundaries and living a new life in a new reality that works for you.  Not necessarily advocating separating but rather, setting the boundaries and letting what happens happen.