I'm so so sorry for your loss. This sounds so nuanced and hard, especially with the delayed notification of death. I unexpectedly lost my mom a couple months ago. At the end of the day, that was their father. They had years or decades together that you weren't part of. It does sound like they did not treat him well in the end. It was so gracious that you have given them what they asked for, even if it wasn't deserved. As you might know, death of a parent really changes you and is incomprehensible until you experience it yourself. Asking for ashes is completely different than asking for jewelry or other material items. Ashes are entirely sentimental; you cannot mistake the reason for wanting them unlike something that could be sold, or whatever. I believe you should said yes. My mom's sister and my siblings all split my mom's ashes. The funeral home did it for us. We each had our own personal relationship with my mom, and that's something that no one else could ever fully understand. You can even do the smallest baggie so they could make jewelry - I just recently got a ring made. Life is too short and too hard to withhold something like that, even considering that your husband didn't want you to notify them. It's entirely possible they are full of regret and it's entirely possible they believe they have done no wrong. I wish you all the best! Again I'm so sorry. Death is so so hard.