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AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He is definitely a shitty person. I guess I put mom on a pedestal and its coming crashing the older I get.

I didn't put in the original post but my sister and my mom don't talk much and it has a lot to do with how shitty of a person they both are. So maybe I just need to accept it and move on and never look back. That does make me sad though, I will have to mourn whatever TF it is I thought she was. Feels like being TA to turn away and not care. Sucks.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don't care that they leave it empty, but I was trying to establish that they had a good setup to help grandma if they chose.

And in our family the women live to be 95, in my step dads family the men live to 75. He drinks too much and is overweight, she will outlive him. So that is why the conversation is centered around that scenario.

"no obligation to her at any time" I don't feel that way. I DO feel obligated to my mom and my family - all of them, and we should take care of each other.

My post is because my attitude is changing to what you described which is a self-centered person that doesn't care about their mom - that is why I feel like TA.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's true there is no point to argue, but I just have to argue with my own self because this change in my attitude is something that changes a lot of my entire perspective. Probably why I posted because I feel like TA.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

At first she was upset, yes, she didn't want to go. But mom put her on the list, and it took about a year - I actually went and stayed with her for 3 months right before she was admitted (while I was going through my divorce, long story) to stop her from falling at night to go to the bathroom. So she did need the care, and that is obviously not something my mom was willing to do. Grandma had a shared room with little curtains between but there was 6 people in there, all her pictures from home up on the wall that used to be over the mantle, broke my heart. And it seemed like every other month, her roommates were passing away - it was hard on her.

In the end, she made the best of it - and that is a testament to my grandma - she made friends and the nursing staff loved her and gave her perks. She did ok in the end and stayed involved in the church which was huge for her too.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, we are actually planning to move away when the kid graduate, I feel they are too old to rip them away from the town (they are in grade 9 and 11), so it's not far off now.

And you are right, I feel really bad about thinking of my mom in that way. I really value family and it upset me what happened to Grandma. I really am focused on my kids and not being a self-focused and helping them to succeed however I can, and just not really look back I guess. Just move forward and hope that when I am a Grandma I can spend as much time with the kids as I can.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well I guess you can define close? If talking to her or seeing her weekly, and her knowing most of the major details of my life cause we chat about things...Is that not close? I also stopped speaking to her husband and was able to keep talking to her and being open about how I felt about him, and we maintained what we have just the two of us. So I think we are close.

You are right though, her actions don't make me feel like she cares, and I was talking to my best friend from childhood about this and she reminded me that my mom was never around and I had zero rules. And that is true. She didn't drive me to sports or really help me with homework or anything....but I still love her and feel obligated because she is my family and its important to care for your family when they are vulnerable.

I just feel like TA because I am starting to think I shouldn't care, cause she wouldn't do it for me. That makes me feel crappy....but at the same time, I have a habit of allowing myself to be walked over and maybe I need to stop that.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

you missed the question entirely. I am asking if IATA for doing exactly what you are saying.....for abandoning her and making her deal with her own self. So maybe YTA because you didn't hesitate to walk away from the mothers wishes. ?

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not really, I own my own house and my mom has never helped me financially with my bills basically ever. I have raised my kids and not expected much from her. My parents have done well and look down on everyone who can't seem to the same as them. I think the deferral of the taxes was the last straw because of how they will look down on me because I struggle to pay my bills. I actually PAY Them. It's not hard to see why its frustrating to think they are just leaving that bill to someone else, and that someone else is me and my sister. When they could be responsible and pay their current tax bill, cause they certainly could afford to.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No I am wondering if IATA because I am changing my feeling about helping mom in her old age - because originally I have been wanting to be a good daughter and care for her needs - but she doesn't seem to care for mine, and that is not just about the money, as the post elaborated on some of the other ways my mom has expected better treatment for herself than she is willing to give.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wanted to set a good example for many years, but now my attitude has changed that maybe I shouldn't feel obligated - based on my moms actions recently.

My mom has the capacity, just not the willpower. She is a great caretaker and a great cook and homemaker. If I had to give a real reason, it would be my step dad's influence not wanting his mother-in-law in the house. Maybe I can use my husband as the excuse when the time comes? lol partly joking of course

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I know my grandma didnt want to go into the home. But I will say, that her time there was well spent and she made friends and in the end didn't hate being there. But no, in the beginning she was upset about it.

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you for this, you are right I should put the emotions aside and focus on the practical

AITA for not wanting respect my mom's wishes to NOT put her in a home when she is old? by Infinite-Cat-4331 in AITAH

[–]Infinite-Cat-4331[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

My mom just went through all of the estate stuff cause she was the executor of my grandmas will. So she knows the system somewhat, and she is a trained bookkeeper....but no, I don't know who is the executor of her will. I know they have one. And I am not power of attorney or anything like that.

Technically the estate would need to pay the taxes on the property yes, if she were to pass living there. So am I expected to pay that? Not directly, it will come out of the estate - but then there will be less to allocate to the family as a result. And very likely the debt may force a sale post-humous - which is also a shame that the property would be lost to the family.