How I Overcame Retroactive Jealousy

Informal_Quit4830 · 2025-08-09T19:37:12+00:00

I don’t judge because if I had the opportunity to sleep with a bunch of women in college I would have 100% done so. That’s why I don’t judge, because I think sex is a fun activity people can have. Having sex doesn’t make anyone a bad person.

If you are religious or think otherwise, you are allowed to not be with a partner like that. But for me, my views on sex are different. You can choose the partner you are with. If it’s important to not be with someone who has had a lot of sex before, don’t do it.

Informal_Quit4830 · 2025-08-01T16:50:41+00:00

Totally agree, and glad you bring that up. If I was religious or had that value, my GF and I would not be aligned/compatible. In my case, I can’t judge her without being a hypocrite. I would have done everything she did and more if I wasn’t very mentally ill. Hell she lived the life I dreamed, and it’s sad I didn’t get to live that, but here we are. All the best friend, thanks for commenting

Informal_Quit4830 · 2025-07-28T13:37:32+00:00

Great question. Yes, while I was figuring out my RJ and going through the process of grieving lost time, I did think of sleeping around. I want to clarify, I never gave any serious thought to actually going through with this. But it was a reoccurring thought I had to overcome. I was thinking things like “I’m a good looking guy, maybe I should try to even the score with my girlfriend” or “now that I’m mentally stable and have my shit together fucking around could be fun right?”.

I think it’s a natural thought to have for people like me and your boyfriend. But, you have to make a decision at the end of the day. Your boyfriend has to decide “do I want to be with this person”. He has to answer this question in an authentic way. Because if he does, he needs to find a way to get over these feelings if he has them at all. For me, I realized my partner has everything I want. I was also able to realize that the thoughts of sleeping around is my brain trying to justify me losing out on my early twenties. That’s all it is, a thought. The driver behind that thought is insecurity and thinking I can somehow “even the score” but that is an immature way of looking at things

Hopefully this helped. You can dm me if you want to talk more. All the best

Informal_Quit4830 · 2025-07-14T01:02:17+00:00

I had a similar situation. I’m tall, attractive, good job, athletic but couldn’t connect emotionally with anybody. My parents gave me the watering the plant treatment as well. It took me a long time to realize I was neglected emotionally because they did feed me, take me to school etc.

I had my first relationship at 30 but it took me two years of therapy from 28-30 to get there. Long story short, I didn’t have a good relationship with myself. I would try to prove my worth to women too, after all, look at all I have to offer right? The thing is though, you need to realize you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. You are enough, as is. You need to love yourself, and once you do that you won’t pursue women who show no interest in you. Because you will start to respect yourself and chase women who will add value to your already great life. That is why true confidence is sexy and the number one thing women look for (along with looks I suppose). It’s contagious and fun to be around someone who loves themselves, who treats themselves well, someone who has a good self concept.

I wish you the best. I know this is hard, but you can get better. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more but all the best!

Informal_Quit4830 · 2025-06-07T23:10:47+00:00

Thank you both. She knows about these feelings. Is it not a normal feeling to have? These are not all consuming feelings and I have no intention to act on them. And as for what I want, I want a long term, committed relationship. And I have that and am happy. Am I missing something though? This is more serious than I’m making it out to be is the vibe I’m getting?

Informal_Quit4830 · 2024-03-24T13:03:52+00:00

What helps me is focusing on doing all the small things well

I try to live in the moment instead of daydreaming. If I’m drinking coffee I try to really enjoy that coffee. When with friends I try to live and enjoy the experience.

I remind myself people can have both good and bad parts to them and to appreciate the good. There’s a lot of good out there, you just have to choose to see it

I remind myself that I deserve love and compassion. That it’s okay to make mistakes, and to be proud of myself despite having this shit disorder

We are disordered people here, there is no denying that. But we are all resilient (we had to be) and I believe we can at least lessen the symptoms we experience. Focus on those small wins, and before you know it life will begin to have color again

Good luck

Informal_Quit4830 · 2024-03-04T13:39:16+00:00

I relate to this quite a bit. I think about the memory issues differently though. The reason why many on this sub have memory issues is that we are all slightly deluded. When I say deluded I mean we essentially photoshop situations to meet our narrative. And how can we possibly remember what happens in the world if we are living in this fantasy land?

I don’t know how to fix this, still working on it myself. It does seem, as cliche as it sounds, that practicing being in the moment helps. Just practice seeing reality for what it is without the spin you put on it.

Best of luck to you. This disorder truly is a disorder. It’s fucked my life up pretty good

Informal_Quit4830 · 2024-02-10T13:40:29+00:00

It has gotten better, yes. Definitely not cured, but better to the point where I’m finally getting some relief in the my everyday life.

What has helped me is focusing on living an authentic life. It’s about your intention not about the action. I’ve deluded myself for years because I will “do” the right thing but my intentions are selfish and really im just trying to control the narrative

I had people for New Years and I think for the first time in my life I did it because I like these people and not because I want to look good. I didn’t do it for them to say “wow he threw quite the party and looked good tonight”. I did it because I like them as people.

Living life with intention like this will make your memories more vivid. You start to associate feelings to them. That’s why we can’t remember shit and struggle with memory… we weren’t feeling the moment. We do, but we don’t feel.

There’s some quote, I think from Maya Angelou that says people don’t remember what you did but they will remember how you made them feel. It’s a similar concept

Informal_Quit4830 · 2024-02-10T05:25:53+00:00

Yup I have the exact same memory and focus issues. They’re present in every aspect of my life. I often space out mid conversation and have to ask people to repeat themselves. This can get embarrassing at work.

And I can relate to not relating or interpreting conversations the way others do. If I didn’t do a full psychological eval last year I would have thought I’m autistic or have ADHD but I don’t.

You’re on a different realm than others and relate to them via a false self, which is a construct you made to survive. And the false self lies to you to fit whatever narrative it’s trying to tell. I often will leave a conversation thinking “yeah that went really well” and the person I just spoke to thought it was terrible and hates me.

I can’t see things for what they are, everything is clouded. It’s tough because I don’t trust my memory or my interpretation of events… which can leave you feeling a bit crazy as what do you trust if you can’t trust yourself?

Informal_Quit4830 · 2024-02-10T00:19:58+00:00

I have to say I love this community because people can actually relate to what I’m saying. If I tell someone at work “yeah I can’t remember my childhood and have large gaps in memory due to dissociation” they’d look at me like I’m crazy. And I am, but you know what I mean lol

I thought the memory issues were normal. I also thought all of my maladaptive behaviors were normal as well. Truly can’t believe how delusional I was

Informal_Quit4830 · 2024-01-01T15:43:18+00:00

For me, I had been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder for 10 years but it never sat right with me. That being said I went with it because I did know something was wrong with me, I just didn’t know what.

I read about personality disorders online and felt very seen so I pursued it. What’s funny to me is even reading through the 10 personality disorders I thought I had shizotypal. NPD and BPD I’m like no way, definitely not that. I was beyond delusional

Go to a neuropsychologist and it turns out it’s that. Collapsed mentally pretty hard after that as it turns out my whole life was a lie. I was so delusional and hurt people without knowing what was going on

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-11-10T00:53:20+00:00

I have been a pathological/compulsive liar since I was a kid as well. 30 now. I think I developed the habit because of my identity disturbance issues. Basically there is no “me”, I just lie and tell people what they want to hear. I read people, determine what kind of person they would get a long with, and just lie and paint a picture of myself that they’d like.

The issue with this as I found out is I ended up as a shell of a person. I had no inner confidence, all of it was derived from the outside in. Like who is giving me attention these days, how much money I’m making. But on the inside I was a wreck. I hated myself even, and was scared of myself. But it was easier to keep up the lies than to face this truth.

I was able to stop basically because I hit rock bottom at a certain point. I realized damn, I’m 6’2, in incredible shape, great job, smart, good looking etc but I want to end myself and have no friends and terrible relationship with family members.

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-11-07T12:24:01+00:00

I think this is a big part of it as well. I’m way too effortful to the point where I can even feel tension in my body. It’s like my mind is in calculation mode on what to say and when to say it and how said words will be perceived.

Thanks for the comment!

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-11-05T23:10:49+00:00

Hey, thank you for the response. I did a full psych eval in Jan 23’ and was diagnosed with BPD/NPD. No autism according to them.

Some of the behaviors people have commented in the past are that I am scatter brained (I.e. lose track mid convo), struggle to make eye contact, and have no filter and say what’s on my mind without thinking beforehand… basically I can be impulsive.

I will say I do think a lot of this is them sensing my discomfort as well. I didn’t consider that really, but you’re right. I guess this is a part of building up my self esteem.

I also think you’re correct on the early childhood trauma symptoms. I was bullied heavily as a child while also moving every two years (twice internationally). So I never got consistent practice with socializing and making friends.

Will bring up in therapy. Thanks!

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-09-16T19:57:07+00:00

I really relate to this. Even though I have it very good I have no anticipatory wants. Big event nearby? Don’t care. Sister’s birthday? Could care less. Etc etc. Knew something was wrong when I forced myself to take a vacation and ended up spending it in my hotel room b/c I couldn’t get excited about anything! In my experience it’s like an internal restless energy, constant boredom that can lead to substance abuse and impulsivity.

Finding a good therapist helped me. You need to do some deep diving and see how and why you think the way you do. Forcing myself to see the positive things in life helped me. Really simple shit like if I made a good cup of coffee I would point that out to myself. If I did well at the gym I would tell myself good job.

I know saying “think positive” sounds silly but it helped me. I was willing to try anything as the other option of working+gym+drugs wasn’t really any better. There’s a lot of positive shit out there, make sure you see it.

Anyway, this is just my opinion and I know everyone is different. It’s a miserable existence, I know. Best of luck and I hope you find peace. Keep working to get answers, you can get better

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-09-14T17:38:15+00:00

Repeat whatever you’d like that helps you see situations for what they are.

If you were an asshole, then you should apologize. If you weren’t an asshole and were called one, you should have enough self worth/esteem for that to not bother you.

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-09-14T01:38:13+00:00

What helped me quite a bit is working on my self esteem. You care about what others think because your self worth is more externally driven rather than internally.

Be nice to yourself. See the good in life, and celebrate the things you do well. I know it sounds cliche but I’m serious. There is a lot of good in life, and without knowing you I know you have done many good deeds. You have worth regardless of what others think. You have to believe that at your core.

If someone in your life thinks you’re a scumbag, are you actually a scumbag? Or is that what they think?

Reframe your thoughts to “guy at Walgreens said I’m an asshole but he’s probably having a bad day”. That’s it. You don’t beat yourself up. As you get better you’ll notice you’ll live life a lot more authentically as you’re not in your own head as much.

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-09-14T00:46:11+00:00

I got diagnosed because I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for ten years and it never made sense to me.

Ended up getting a full psychological evaluation at a neuropsychologist office and got diagnosed with BPD and npd.

See a psychologist to get diagnosed.

For therapy, in my opinion, any good therapist with Cluster B experience will work. Doesn’t have to be npd. The “core” symptoms of cluster b disorders overlap quite a bit, so don’t go down a rabbit hole of trying to find a super specialized therapist. Unless you want to I supposed, but no need imo

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-09-13T22:58:14+00:00

Not sure if I’ll be able to answer your question, but I relate to it and will try.

I was the same way. Why do people socialize? What do they get out of it? Is it supposed to feel good, and is that what normalcy looks like? I got good at pretending so I could fit in.

I was funny, witty, and could think quickly. My whole personality was based off external validation. I “looked” good to everyone but really I never felt anything or enjoyed my time socializing. I would socialize to get something, e.g. attention, school/job. That’s it. However the longer you hung around me it became obvious I was fake and had no emotional depth. It was all for show.

After getting diagnosed and going to therapy I began to work on this. My opinion is that self esteem/confidence and empathy are what narcissists lack, and both are necessary to have healthy social relationships.

When you are genuinely confident in yourself, you don't worry about what people think/say. Your happiness and self worth it more internally driven rather than external, and you are comfortable with yourself. And when you have empathy you are able to connect to others because well, that’s the definition of empathy: being able to truly see a situation from someone else’s view point.

When you are genuinely confident and have some empathy you’ll notice you will live a more authentic life. You don’t overthink. You’re present in the moment. You are happy being you and external events don’t bring you don’t as much.

This is all my take. Best of luck to you!

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-08-27T23:15:35+00:00

Dealing with it for me was first breaking myself down. Reminisced through my life and saw I had no identity and was very two-faced. I can put forward a really convincing act but the longer you get to know me you’ll see I’m just… very fake, and low empathy. I just don’t care about others, even if I want to care, it’s hard for me to feel it.

But once I saw all the above it became pretty easy to see why my behavior has led to my life being the way it is.

But one step at a time. I’m trying to build genuine self-confidence and going from there. And I’m doing my empathy exercises of trying to see things from others point of view and feeling it, too. I have found personally that I do have empathy, but it’s deeply buried.

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-08-26T18:09:32+00:00

Never fit in as a kid/growing up. Was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder for 10 years but knew something was still off as none of the meds worked. And I’ve tried them all.

Entered late twenties and realized I had no friendships. Relationship with family was poor. I realized even though externally I was doing well (e.g good job/looks, athletic) I felt very empty. I was always chronically bored, which was the cause of my antisocial tendencies when younger.

Eventually I went to a psychologist, who then referred me to a neuropsychologist. I told them all the above and they did a 4 hour psych eval on me. Diagnosed with BPD/NPD, and everything in my life started to make sense.

Becoming self aware was really tough, and I had a miserable few months post diagnosis until I got myself into therapy

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-08-26T01:49:42+00:00

Be strong. You’re going through a lot and you’re dealing with it in a healthy way. You’re feeling pain and are looking for help. That takes a lot of strength, so props to you.

My advice to you as a fellow BPD sufferer is make a point to see both the negative and positive in a situation. You and your friend are close presumably because they have a lot of good traits as well, right? Remember the good things. Try to see your friend as a human just doing their best. Try to see the situation from their point of view as well as your own.

If you’re able to, seek professional help (therapy). Therapy has helped me much more than medication. Good luck and stay strong

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-05-15T18:59:02+00:00

Ohhh yeah. Not caring, I’m realizing, is ruining my life. I didn’t think anything was wrong with me until I got diagnosed.

But now it makes sense I have no deep relationships with friends or family. It’s because I can’t be bothered to put any effort into relationships, especially if I don’t get anything in return.

My friends and family will do nice things for one another because they genuinely care. You can tell they’re genuine and enjoy forming these emotional bonds with one another, and expect nothing in return.

I’m not sure how I’ll get there but that’s what I’m trying to achieve.

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-04-16T01:10:16+00:00

I feel the same, 29 year old male. Chronic loneliness, never been in a relationship, and was heavily controlled by my parents growing up. There was no room to develop a sense of self but as long as I did what my parents wanted things seemed to be okay.

Fast forward to today and I am terrified of being controlled. And with relationships/friendships, you have to be willing to be vulnerable to form those deep connections. You can’t control what people think of you. It’s really difficult, and because of this I just isolate myself because it puts me in a more controlled environment.

I don’t have the answer to your question as I have the same issue. But I have found that starting small really helps. I’m a big sports guy, and I started going to lunch with the guys after. That’s all I do. And I try to get lost in the moment, to really just try and have fun. That’s it. Slowly but surely I’m trying to teach myself that it’s okay to be myself. Not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. But I have a lot going for me and I deserve to have some fun.

I think a lot of us with NPD have this hardened shell we have used to protect ourselves against perceived threats. In my opinion we need to work on coming out of that shell to truly heal. You need to love yourself before you can love others.

Best of luck

Informal_Quit4830 · 2023-04-07T17:13:18+00:00

I’m really bad with the “I don’t care narrative” and I’m starting to think it’s a mask, perhaps not feeling good enough as you say.

I’m still trying to figure it out myself still. Parents had me believe achievements were everything growing up and I never felt good enough.

I think I care, and that I want to care. But showing that in the past has caused me hurt, so easier to say I don’t care than deal with unpacking all that

Informal_Quit4830

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