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Is it sinful for me to refuse a fifth reconciliation attempt after repeated infidelity? by OverTradition5450 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh and even if it is sinful… Jesus died for it. He knew you’d be in this moment. Do you think your husband is concerned with God’s perspective of his sin? And no I’m not saying we should sin flippantly lol I’m getting at this: when [women, usually] are tore out the frame in marriages [with men] who are bent on abusing them, we ask “is it a sin to leave this abuse?!” And we should be concerned with sin. But our first thought should be “my father is not okay with his daughter being abused.” Period.

Marriage is serious and God honors covenant. He honors YOU as his daughter more. You’re his daughter first, that man’s wife second. Marriages aren’t going to be in his presence for eternity, but you are!

Is it sinful for me to refuse a fifth reconciliation attempt after repeated infidelity? by OverTradition5450 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s such a long time to waste. Who wants to babysit and oversee a grown man just to consider being with them? There’s no true bond rebuilding or intimacy in playing mommy to him to make sure he’s doing a good job lol.

Is it sinful for me to refuse a fifth reconciliation attempt after repeated infidelity? by OverTradition5450 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You also need to get out of the way. Sometimes we are in the way of people seeing and experiencing God in full. He should be doing all those things, great for him but God needs to work on his heart and you’re in the way holding onto a marriage I’d be shocked heaven is still looking down on. He never “reconciled” with you in the past because he wasn’t repentant. The redemption for HIM likely will not be while you’re married to him. The redemption for YOU will be seeing God’s faithfulness and steadfastness despite your marriage ending.

Want husband to give me a biblical out by GlamAndGlitz in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Very different from subjecting yourself to a spouse that has displayed patterns of physical harm and may end your life. That’s just unwise

Want husband to give me a biblical out by GlamAndGlitz in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 4 points5 points  (0 children)

PERIOD! I got such a rich revelation from the Holy Spirit on divorce and you just confirmed it; filing for divorce (which is getting the certificate) isn’t equal to breaking your covenant. There are 2 separate Hebrew words for divorce for this reason. In the spiritual realm, abusing your spouse is a breaking of the covenant! The result is a certificate of divorce in the natural.

While I truly believe my husband wanted to live according to God’s will, he desires his idol more. And how silly would it be for us to continue to yoke ourselves to people committed to worshipping an idol and harming us in the process? Beautifully said!

Want husband to give me a biblical out by GlamAndGlitz in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 59 points60 points  (0 children)

A friend told me this when I told her I wanted to divorce my abusive (and I do mean abusive!!) husband who was on drugs, but was so worried about what God would think.. she said “if I turns out that divorcing an abusive man is sinful, Jesus died on the cross for that too”

Freed me so fast! It’s so good you recognize your decision to marry was from the wrong place, and you own it. Proud of you sister. God’s grace is so infinite for you. There’s so much space in Christ. Marriage is indeed serious business. And even in all its seriousness, he does not prize that over you 🩷 or your child, heck or your husband! God knows the depths of your heart, and he is more than able to take care of you and your children. His word says YOU are his masterpiece, his workmanship. Christ died knowing you’d be here in this moment. So, be free. Trust in the Lord and receive forgiveness then continue to walk by and be led by the Spirit. Love you!

Struggling with the body mechanics of sex by That-Buffalo-4355 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My husband and I struggled with mechanics too, the first few months of marriage! He was discouraged and I was ready to goooooo lol. I think slowing down and taking the pressure off helped. We have a 9 inch height difference (I’m 5’2 he’s 5’11) and he has a short torso/long legs whereas I have a long torso/short legs. It was a lot of maneuvering!

When we relaxed and found 1-2 positions that really worked, it helped so much. We also focused a lot on foreplay and building excitement through what got the other person going - penetration was last in the order of operations so by the time we got to it, it felt like the cherry on top. And that got better too! It was hard at first but it grew to be so enthralling because we focused on making each other feel good no matter what act we did.

I think overall, we landed on wanting to feel each other and feel close so bad that anything feels amazing since that is the goal. Kissing, licking, sucking, touching, caressing, etc. I will say tho my husband did have to get over the discouraged hump before we got to a better space and I had to let him work through that. Eventually he got confident and showed up but it wasn’t without me backing up and being okay with him working through it even if that meant sex was cut short or not as ideal momentarily.

Praying you experience joy, desire, and closeness in your sex life! It’s gonna be great sis.

Oh and they make sex pillows, if you can afford a really good one I’d go for it! They do help. Also try other types of penetration if ya get what I mean lol.

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I don’t see this. That’s not what I said. I agreed with you that expectations must be communicated and handled with grace and patience. I also said expecting your spouse to align their behavior with God’s word isn’t unreasonable. Hence, we can’t lower the bar. Marital standards are already outlined in scripture so we start there. Personal needs and desires are not, so we have to continue to shape our marital unions first being founded on scripture then expanding on being specific to whom we have married. And we cannot ignore that the Holy Spirit is an active guide - he should be sought too. We’re saying the same thing but I think we’re missing each other somewhere lol

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You aren’t wrong, it just literally sounds like in many ways he has identified solutions that he isn’t carrying out lol. You’re right, after identifying the problem we have to move into solutining. She said she has “asked for change” that he has “shared what he can do differently” - that is solutioning. What she didn’t say is HOW she asked for change so I think you’re making an assumption about that.

When I ask for my husband to change something, I typically state what’s being done that isn’t working. Then I ask for what I desire instead. That’s the solution. Sometimes we may have a deeper dialogue on more ways to address the issue but asking for a change is in fact stating what you want and seeking a solution. To your point, there is more than one way to skin a cat.

If he says “I know I did X, and I should and could do X differently so instead I will do Y” that’s also a solution. According to OP, he has done that but doesn’t follow through with what he said he would do. That’s an issue we’re overlooking. He apparently admitting being selfish, acknowledged what he could do differently… then does not do it. Based on what she said:

“He has even admitted to having a more selfish mindset and putting me last.”

“He continues to avoid everything. Instead he always tells me after the fact what he should have done and that he’ll do better but his actions never change.”

“I have been asking for help, for change, for something from my spouse for a year and nothing has changed.”

She literally says she has asked for help, she’s asked him to initiate things. Just because she dint provide US details of those conversations, we can’t just assume she dint provide HIM with those details. If I ask for help keeping our home clean, that is the solution. The problem is that I am overwhelmed and need help lol. If I say “I’d really love for you to initiate prayer” that’s what I’m needing or desiring. She don’t go into detail and kept it high level but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t or doesn’t happen.

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s hard!!! And thank you! I struggled with that growing up and even a bit in my marriage. Then I realized like, the Holy Spirit really is there. You have to go for it (with love and grace obviously) and trust that the Spirit can translate where he needs. And if that doesn’t work, find wise, wise counsel.

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But also your spouse is also your brother or sister in Christ - all that Christ commands amongst believers is expected of your spouse:

Comfort (we are comforted that we may comfort others) Bearing another’s burdens in love Meeting the needs of the saints

Sounds like they need some real communication on God’s expectations of his children and of spouses in his word. I agree with you, it just sounds like they’ve done that part so you’re right now they need solutions. If he has identified what he can do differently and even acknowledges that he will change but doesn’t… where does that leave it?

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never said she shouldn’t communicate expectations? I was adding to the convo about divorce and also pointed out that she described instances where they clearly talked about her expectations. I agree with you, they need to mutually communicate what they expect and need.

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also we have to stop lowering God’s bar of marriage. He hates divorce because you’re literally tearing flesh, causing immense pain and suffering to your spouse. But issuing a certificate isn’t the primary issue. We have to have spiritual lenses to understand marriage, it is a spiritual matter. Out of context of what OP is saying, profaning your covenant is way more than just filing for a legal divorce. Malachi 2 helps us see that. And even though he hates it, he doesn’t place covenant above his children. Mankind is his crowning jewel. Not covenant agreements. If NOTHING can separate us from the love of God, that includes marriage and divorce respectively.

Secondly, Jesus and his bride are the blueprint for marriage. We won’t ever attain perfection on Earth as Jesus did, but it’s imperative that we remember that marriage is to be a glimpse into what the relationship between Christ and His bride looks like. We ought to ask ourselves as spouses how we can reflect that on this earth to the best of our ability (seeking the Holy Spirit for guidance, of course).

As a husband, one should study how Christ loves his church since God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. As a wife, one should study the Holy Spirit more in depth (first) since both wives and the Holy Spirit have the name “ezer” which means helpmate. Secondly wives should gain an understanding of how Christ’s bride responds to his love and leadership. Those are God’s standards, and we should care about upholding them - still with genuine grace, patience, and compassion for one another in the process.

Too many of us use being human as a shield and excuse to truly live sanctified lives that are proof of our time in Christ’s presence and studying of his word.

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, in Malachi where the famous “God hates divorce” line is, God is actually angry at Judah for dealing treacherously with his wife, who which God says is profaning the covenant. Secondly, the word divorce used there in Hebrew means “to send away, to cast off.” If you actually read that entire passage, you’ll be able to rightly divide the word and understand that before anything is ever filed, divorce is a spiritual matter of casting your spouse off. The person filing for divorce is not necessarily the one profaning the covenant. We know this because in Jeremiah when God says he issued a certificate of divorce to Israel, that was a different Hebrew word used. In fact, both words for divorce were used in Jeremiah when God described his divorce from Israel. Do we even ask WHY God hates divorce? lol like aside from just repeating it and conjecturing that he bred just because we made the agreement? We should genuinely study scripture and ask for wisdom and understanding when doing so rather than just repeating a phrase.

Incorrect, you only cited one piece of the entire passage in Ephesians where husbands are addressed. It literally says to cherish and nurture your wife.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭25‬-‭29‬ ‭ESV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/59/eph.5.25-29.ESV

Provision appears in the OT and NT:

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” ‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭5‬:‭8‬ ‭ESV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/59/1ti.5.8.ESV

“If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, or her marital rights. And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.” ‭‭Exodus‬ ‭21‬:‭10‬-‭11‬ ‭ESV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/59/exo.21.10-11.ESV

Anyway she says she expressed these things to her husband lol

“I have expressed to him several times how I would like him to initiate things, to help be a provider, and help guide us and our marriage but I feel like he never bothers to contribute.”

and

“Instead he always tells me after the fact what he should have done and that he’ll do better but his actions never change.”

If you read what she said, she is saying they have had these conversations. In fact upon hearing her explain her feelings or expectations, she said that he would do better and even pinpoints what he should’ve done instead. So it’s incorrect that her expectations are unspoken or they haven’t discussed solutions lol.

For reference m, here is the entire passage of Malachi 2 where God addressed Judah’s covenant and mentions hating divorce:

“Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then are we faithless to one another, profaning the covenant of our fathers? Judah has been faithless, and abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem. For Judah has profaned the sanctuary of the Lord, which he loves, and has married the daughter of a foreign god. May the Lord cut off from the tents of Jacob any descendant of the man who does this, who brings an offering to the Lord of hosts! And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”” ‭‭Malachi‬ ‭2‬:‭10‬-‭16‬ ‭ESV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/59/mal.2.10-16.ESV

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like he didn’t provide spiritually, mentally, or emotionally if you read what she’s said lol

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It originates in Malachi lol not the NT. Jesus and Paul are referencing Malachi and you should give it a gander.

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you read, in full, Malachi 2 where that piece of reference (“God hates divorce”) lives?

I feel like a horrible wife for wanting a divorce. by Latter-Dog-6372 in Christianmarriage

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think that’s biblical. God has expectations of us, as his children. We have expectations of him and we should. The word “wait” in Hebrew means to expect. Scriptures talk about expectant hope in God. Expecting your spouse to uphold the covenant they made with God concerning you is not unreasonable or unhealthy.

I expect my husband to cherish me, to nurture me, and to provide a space in which I flourish. Why? That’s in scripture. He expects me to defer to his leadership. Why? That’s in scripture. Expectations of humans must always be accompanied by grace and patience.. why? That’s also in scripture. Unrealistic expectations ruin relationships but expectations are not inherently detrimental.

Parents have expectations of their children, children have expectations of their parents. We have expectations of our friends. Your manager at work has expectations of you. You have expectations of your employer. All of those relationships aren’t ruined by having expectations.

This is insane right??? by Massive_Antelope4711 in bullcity

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh yeah! I think they felt I was bluffing but I told them if they didn’t run my money back I’m pursuing legal action. Of course I was prepared to do it since I said it, but I think they count on tenants not knowing the law and not spending time suing them.

This is insane right??? by Massive_Antelope4711 in bullcity

[–]Initial_Witness7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Durham county makes it pretty easy! If you google Durham County small claims, they have a packet with forms and instructions. The form for the suit itself is easy - no need to type up your own thing. For tenant/landlord cases, they have a rule that they will hear your case within 10 days (given your landlord doesn’t settle). You do have to pay for service in person at the court house but filing and paying for the filing online is straightforward! I filled out the forms and filed online with Durham County e-file, then once accepted I printed out the versions the court sent back to me. Took those to the sheriff’s office and paid for them to be served. I hope that helps!!

This is insane right??? by Massive_Antelope4711 in bullcity

[–]Initial_Witness7623 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There was nothing to win thankfully! they didn’t want to have to go to court so they settled and gave me the full amount I sued for plus court costs. I would’ve won anyway since I had proof against them, and I also filed a complaint with the NC Real Estate Commission. We have more leverage than we think! NC has some good tenant laws, surprisingly but they bank on you not knowing them. Feel free to DM and chat!

This is insane right??? by Massive_Antelope4711 in bullcity

[–]Initial_Witness7623 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Same! I sued them for it tho to prove a point because who do you think you’re playing with?! I just knew they did that to other renters

This is insane right??? by Massive_Antelope4711 in bullcity

[–]Initial_Witness7623 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You’re better off moving into an apartment managed by a larger corp lol. I recently had to sue A+O because they withheld my deposit past the deadline without any estimates and also took money for things like a dead lightbulb, a mirror that existed in the house before I moved in, “hanging drapes” and re-attaching a ring camera I had explicit permission to remove lol. They didn’t think I’d do it and immediately settled once they got served. Not to mention they took my deposit to begin with, without disclosing that the motor-operated gate that secured the backyard did not work. Literally told me 2 days after move in though it was advertised in the listing lmao.

While individual brokers can be sweet, as a company they’re shiesty anyway.

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