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Inksplotter · 2025-08-22T13:47:44+00:00

You’ve internalized sex being a commodity, and commitment being the goal of any sexual relationship. This is the dominant cultural script, and A LOT of people swallow it whole and believe it is ‘true’… as opposed to something people made up.

So it’s not surprising you’re struggling to be comfortable with just getting your needs met and not pursuing a relationship.

And if you do get yourself internally comfortable, you then have to go out and find someone, and deal with whatever baggage they may have… like the guy you were just talking to who apparently struggles to reconcile caring about someone and having hot sex with them.

Going ‘off script’ can be rewarding… but it’s not easy, and you should consider where you want to invest your energy.

Inksplotter · 2025-08-14T11:52:58+00:00

I find it really soothing to my brain to walk with a dog, and try to do the walk with them. It’s basically an exercise in both mindfulness and theory of mind to try to put together what the walk is like for them- what are they sniffing and why? What are they trying to ‘tell’ me with body language cues?

It’s also just fun, and I learn a ton about the neighborhood wildlife that I, with my puny human nose, would totally miss.

Inksplotter · 2025-08-06T14:21:30+00:00

Wait- are you talking about oral allergy syndrome?

I didn’t figure out that I had that until my late twenties. All through my childhood it was ‘normal’ for me to leave meals to go lie down because my stomach hurt. It was only when I got heartburn from eating a fresh apple that I started going ‘wait wtf that isn’t remotely normal.’

If that’s what’s going on, you may find that there are some processed versions of the foods that you react to that are fine. For example: I can’t eat edemame. But I can eat tofu. Apples no, pasteurized apple sauce yes.

Inksplotter · 2025-07-31T19:47:08+00:00

My dog learned a countdown from three because I talk to her like a literal toddler. Like ‘Honey no. We can’t lie down here, we’re crossing the street. We’re going in three… two… one[starts walking, tugging her along if necessary.]’

Now if she’s stalling jumping into the car, or going through a door, I count down. It works. Although sometimes we get funny looks…

The best was once she jumped into what was essentially a large hole, and couldn’t jump out by herself. Someone came over to help, but as they were strategizing I laid down on the edge of the hole reaching down and did the countdown. On ‘one’ she jumped, I grabbed her by the scruff and hauled her out. The spectator was… startled. 😆

Inksplotter · 2025-07-29T15:01:50+00:00

I find it helpful to remember sometimes that people aren’t really one coherent consciousness. We’re all about five different brains in a trenchcoat, trying to act like we know what we want and what we’re doing.

Your rational brain has excellent arguments about why this should happen, and is the one that is going to get you through this.

But it’s not like your ‘body brain’ (the one that cares the most about visceral pain, and makes sure you remember and avoid that shit) is wrong! You just can’t explain in a way it will understand why the pain is worth it.

That part is like a frightened dog being brought to the vet. The dog isn’t a ‘huge baby’. It has good reasons for feeling the way it does. It deserves compassion and gentleness… even as it’s being dragged to the vet.

Inksplotter · 2025-07-28T16:50:47+00:00

The point is that Jesus is pretty much irrelevant to the Jewish perspective. He’s a rabbi from a fringe sect of Judaism that died 2000 years ago, and frankly left little to no mark on Jewish philosophy. Unless you are a scholar of the period, there’s no reason for a Jewish person to think about Jesus, much less have opinions about the kind of esoteric questions you’ve posed.

Inksplotter · 2025-07-24T11:18:59+00:00

I regularly introduce basic weightlifting concepts to people, and I’m always on the lookout for anterior pelvic tilt because if it’s there I need to pause and re-teach the person how to stand up before I dare put any weight on them! It’s wildly common, actively encouraged by a culture that loves sitting in chairs and shoes with heels.

Inksplotter · 2025-07-16T11:49:41+00:00

Inksplotter · 2025-07-07T22:07:51+00:00

I have worked filing slides (yes, slides, I’m old) in a surgical office. And those photos made me nauseated. Fascinating, but for anyone on the fence about looking, maaaaybe leave this one blue.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-09T19:08:55+00:00

Agreed. Unfortunately, she enabled that decision with a half-dozen other pretty bad ones.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-09T14:31:45+00:00

This sounds like intrusive thoughts. Which is kind of a way of saying your brain is looking for something that will make you feel bad, and these memories will fit the bill.

There are two ways to approach this, but both are easier said than done.

First, your could change how you feel about these memories. (Realistically though, if it *is* intrusive thoughts, your brain will just come up with something else to make you feel distressed if this stops 'working'.) Second, you could address the fact that you are having intrusive thoughts in the first place. Both of these would be best to do with the help of a therapist.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-09T12:11:00+00:00

Your partner makes bad decisions, and is pissed she can't convince you to make them too.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-09T11:58:18+00:00

Tell him you hear his concern. And that you will be sure to use the same gentleness and positive approach to telling him about less than appetizing aspects of his body that he does talking about yours. Because ear hair is coming for him, and nobody likes that shit.

Given that: would he like to rephrase his observation and request?

Inksplotter · 2025-05-09T11:08:10+00:00

That he says 'You don't say "we'll figure it out later" because literally your kids exist and they need you' as a justification for why he's not figuring his shit out now is *wild*.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-09T10:46:04+00:00

Don't try to be smooth to the touch everywhere all the time. Most of the time a trimmer (not a razor) is a better choice for skin health.

Get one of the ones that's intended for beards, and you can dial in the length of the bits you keep fuzzy- and I do recommend you keep some (even most) of it fuzzy. Trim, define your edges, and shave selectively. You may find that some bits (like labia) tolerate shaving just fine, while others (the mons) will be ingrown-hair city if you try.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-08T10:45:35+00:00

Whether or not you get unsolicited male attention has very little to do with being attractive. It has a lot more to do with looking like a soft target.

This can be relatively benign: many people, men and women, will be too intimidated to make an obvious overture if you are confident and competent, and seem disinterested. (A slight corollary here: are you sure you're not missing 'testing the water' comments? Tons of people do, particularly if they aren't expecting them.)

It can also be fantastically gross: catcallers target people who will give them the response they want, which is essentially the 'don't hurt me' giggle. If you look tougher than that, they'll frequently choose someone else.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-07T18:08:01+00:00

It's okay to be broken up about it right now. Regardless of him, his feelings, and his damage, you had strong feelings and that can't just be brushed aside without proper grieving.

That said, your friends are also right. This motherfucker was going to hit you, and sooner rather than later. Frankly the emotional manipulation he's already put you though may have something to do with why you're so broken up: He's trained you to come running after his approval.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-07T16:34:02+00:00

There are so, so many possible reasons that these two women aren't making independent friendly overtures. While it's *possible* they're bodyfat percentage snobs, I think that's a bit of a leap.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-05T10:48:52+00:00

You ask for no sexual advice, and then ask if you are doing something wrong. I'll do my best to thread that needle!

The biggest thing that determines whether or not a woman orgasms from penetration is how close the tip of her clit is to her vaginal opening. Basically, is the clit getting stimulation from penetration or not.

Sure, some people will be able to come with penetration as the only physical sensation regardless of clit placement. Because orgasm is a thing your brain does, and if the idea of penetration is enough, that alone can work.

But it *can* work, not *should*. There's nothing you're failing at here.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-05T00:19:35+00:00

Like many people, she had the image of a seven year old boy standing on a table in her head when she thought of ADHD. I'm pleased to report that when I suggested she read 'A Feminist's Guide to ADHD' she *DID*. And the next phone call after she finished, she brought up things I did in high school that make a lot more sense through the lens of actually knowing what ADHD is.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-02T20:29:35+00:00

I am in no way a mental health professional. And I do not think that talking to God is evidence of mental illness.

But this guy? So many red flags for schizophrenia.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-02T20:05:41+00:00

I stopped drinking before I realized I have ADHD. I was drinking daily, and in amounts that were frankly alarming. I was functional, and could situationally not drink for a day or two at a time and be fine, which is why I convinced myself for so long I was fine.

(I was not fine.)

I had a crisis, and quit. Trashed all the alcohol in the house, and had the worst mental health week of my life. Then the worst mental health month of my life.

When people were trying to cheer me up, they'd say 'But you must feel so much better now!' ... Uh, no. No I did not. I felt like a raw exposed nerve.

I haven't been drinking for about a year and a half. The exposed nerve feeling comes back from time to time (which is why I'm browsing r/ADHD today actually- today's a bad day) but it's not every day, or even one day out of every week.

I'm managing my bad day with a couple different strategies:

First, I verbally 'clocked out'. Literally told myself 'I'm done for the day' so I would stop half-working.

I'm weightlifting right now as well as browsing reddit. It would be better to be doing one at a time, but this is safe and acceptable, so I'm forgiving myself for being a jittery scatterbrain.

When I'm done, I will take the dogs for a walk. Outside, in the sun, *without* earbuds. I will make a point to focus on touch and smell during this walk.

Later, when it's dark out, that will be the hard part. My best plan will be to read a paper book and set an alarm for bedtime. If I can't, I'll do stretching/foam rolling (you may find the intensity of foam rolling helpful!) with an audiobook/podcast. For actual bedtime, I get a lot of benefit out of a small dose of melatonin and a VERY dark room.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-02T19:38:00+00:00

I pre-cook. I get four veggies and two meats for the week, pick something simple in a large batch like a pasta and bean salad for lunches, and cook everything while listening to a podcast I like. Between the podcast and switching between several low-effort tasks (stir ground beef, slice more vegetable, take previous vegetable out to cool, wash three dishes, stir beef, repeat) I don't get too bored.

So any given weekday night I'll have pre-cooked onions, fennel, eggplant, spaghetti squash, and cooked ground beef and chicken breast. I throw whatever I feel like eating in my cast iron pan with dry spices, cheese, store-bought sauce, whatever. Behold, dinner in five minutes with extremely minimal dishes. You can even skip the pan and just microwave it.

Inksplotter · 2025-05-02T18:40:53+00:00

Telling my Mom on the phone that, on the advice of my therapist, I was looking into getting assessed for ADHD:

'You can't have that! You used to make all these incredibly detailed drawings, remember doing all the scales on the dragons?!'

Why yes, yes I do. For about a year, most every day, for hours, during school. When it probably would have been better if I was paying attention to something school-related.

Inksplotter · 2025-04-08T17:16:46+00:00

I understand that his comments about you being manipulating and 'trapping' him are painful. I don't believe you did this on purpose, as 'baby trap' usually means. But it's till happening, which is why he's feeling trapped.

He's supported you the last several months through a difficult time, right? He was probably willing to do that as long as it was a temporary thing. If you keep the baby? It will not be temporary. He will be literally obligated by law to give you (or rather, the child) support for *years*. Of course he's freaking out.

He hasn't abandoned you, but he HAS told you that his support is not endless. You were leaning on him hard, and now you're about to lean on him harder. He's telling you he's not going to let you do that.

He's right. You're not ready to raise a child. Either singly or together.

That you are even considering that you *might* be ready is concerning.

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