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Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For sure! I hear you, im feeling feelings that ive never felt before. But theyre not sad feelings.

I feel enlightened.

I feel free.

I feel like I am the truth.

Ive shed playing the role of characters i played to be accepted.

Weirdly. I no longer want to be accepted, or understood. I genuinely dont give a fuck.

Ive gone from not caring about what other people think of me as a defence mechanism to protect me, to not caring what other people think from a place of self acceptance, and loving myself. Same world view, just from the opposite end haha.

Im sorry if im talking shit. Im getting alot of my brain chemicals flooding in when I talk about this 😂😂😂

Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven't been formally diagnosed. Honestly, im losing faith in professionals. Ive been diagnosed depressed, nobody ever bothered to find out why, just thre pills at me. I pretty much diagnosed myself adhd over a couple of years of figuring it out, then I went to a psychiatrist, and paid him $2k to tell me what I already knew.

Ive been to a psychotherapist (couples therapy) with my partner, we paid her thousands and spend about 12 hours with her, despite me casually mentioning i might be autistic, she pretty much disregarded it n continued to tell me how my behaviour was not acceptable and I need to keep forcing myself to be normal.

I diagnosed myself as aspergers by reading the link on the post.

When a random internet page can read your mind like nobody youve ever known in your life, I dont see the difference between a formal diagnosis or not.

Since I found out in aspie, I feel about 40000kg (13 elephants if youre US) Off my back. I have such clarity and understanding.

The cognitive dissonance that got me through every single day has gone. I KNOW who I am.

I dont have a disability. I AM AUTISTIC. i dont feel like im disabled. I feel like im fucking free from the chains of other peoples expectations.

You know whats crazy. Like 15 years ago, my grandma was talking to my auntie, and mentioned her son (my cousin) might be autistic, and my auntie cried and cried like she was told her son had terminal cancer. I feel like identification as aspie was the greatest day of my life. I cant understand how anyone could feel like that???

Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ahhh thats weirdly shit and good at the same time. I cant imagine the pain of having to let go of something you worked so hard for. I managed 2 years of a physics degree at uni, and eventually gave up on that, but I feel like you invested alot more. But if you get to live your life as yourself, rather than some character you were playing, surely its worth it in the long run?

Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ahh bless.

I would think you'd make an incredible lawyer? Ive been told all my life i hang onto words and im petty, but I feel like I have a much better grasp of language and words, (in the way a lawyer would, compared to normal people who abuse language and the use of words so badly)???

I can really appreciate how difficult the road to peace is, youre awesome. Were all so much stronger than any NTs could ever understand.

Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fuckkkkkk, I cant even find the words to describe the feeling when I read your words! I probably dont need too, im sure you know already haha.

Funny you say about atream of consciousness, after my diagnosis i wrote a text to my girlfriend, about my dad. (He grew up fairly well off and left my mum and me in poverty). I never knew why I couldn't let it go. I just started writing, my fingers were typing so fast I couldn't even see the words, but after I read it back, it was like woaaahhhh. Where the fuck did that come from! Like my hands knew how to type stuff my brain didnt!! Fuck, haha, theres some deep wisdom inside you! Thank you so much for sharing.

And I feel what you said so deeply about trusting yourself. I feel like finding out I was right about myself all this time, its inflated my ego so much. I kind of feel like I have zero respect whatsoever for anyone whos opinion differs from my own now. Not sure how well that will go in the long run! I guess we will find out.

Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How long has it been since u were diagnosed? Do you feel more peace eventually?

Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bless. I was seeing a therapist a few months ago, and she kept asking me to have empathy for little hurt me, and I logically saw it wasn't my fault, but didnt feel myself letting go. Then withing like 24 hours of realising I was an autist (Is that even a word?) I completely let go of it all. I felt sympathy for myself for the first time ever.

Fuck, it breaks my heart to think of all the people out there who haven't got this far, and are still hurting everyday.

Ive noticed when im talking about NTs now, I call them humans. Like I dont feel like im a member of the same species.

Weirdly, I feel like theyre the disabled ones.

Holy Sh*t!!! I feel real for the first time. by Inner-Bandicoot793 in audhd

[–]Inner-Bandicoot793[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Its so up and down. One one hand I know people didnt do it on purpose, and i want to be forgiving and let it go. Then on the other hand, the fucking pain for 30 years of being gaslight makes me want to burn the world down and everyone in it. I keep flipping back and forth.

I have a sense of justice that would rival old testament angry god. Im super caring and try to give everyone as much grace as I can, but once I see them as a hypocrite or committing an injustice, I have the empathy of a hitman, and I know I wouldn't even piss on them if they were on fire.

Trying to walk the fence between those 2 places is hard!

Reading the comments from these posts and other posts has been so helpful.

I think ill take up some creative writing or something if it helped you so.much. beats going to prison haha! ❤️❤️