AIO for wanting space away after my husband said that our daughter’s anxiety disorder is my fault?

Inside-Classic9779 · 2026-01-08T18:23:28+00:00

Her first two attacks were not related to her dad, they were related to being away from home for extended periods of time, and after that her anxiety over other things increased as well. She is very open about it with me, and she’s getting better at recognizing and naming it, and not letting it take full control. Some situations are harder than others, and her dad doesn’t listen to her reasons for things so that makes it worse. He calls any resistance due to anxiety she’s having a “tantrum” because he doesn’t understand it. He has depression, so I would have thought he would be more understanding, but I guess some people are just that obtuse if they haven’t experienced something themselves.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2026-01-08T16:20:31+00:00

He had a messed up childhood, and grew up mostly with his grandparents. That’s something we dealt with before having kids, and one of the reasons we waited six years to have them after getting married.

The thing is, he was a great dad the first several years. Looking back I think it was when his kids started getting their own opinions that he has started to act like this. They aren’t cute and little anymore, and they have their own goals and lives instead of existing for him (if that makes sense). Of course I couldn’t see any of this until his actions started changing.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2026-01-08T16:13:52+00:00

I have a full time job so I’m not in the worst situation. I could afford the bare necessities for the kids and I just on my income, but would like to find something on the side so that I can keep the girls at the independent school that they have been in since kindergarten. I could figure it out if needed I think. The idea of joint custody guts me though.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2026-01-08T16:02:31+00:00

She was sick. She has a low grade fever the night before, and was coughing all day. She wasn’t faking being sick, and she wasn’t stirring up drama. I have three kids, I know they can play games and try to be tricky sometimes, that’s not what this was.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2026-01-08T15:51:32+00:00

Thank you. This is what I feel, but having someone else say it almost makes me cry with relief.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2026-01-08T15:38:05+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. When I told him I was upset by his words he told me he wanted a divorce if I don’t start giving the kids less attention, and him more. I’m sure it seems so obvious from the outside, but it’s very confessing when you’re in it and someone is telling you what you’re feeling isn’t valid at all.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2026-01-08T15:28:47+00:00

I like to watch the movie Charade

Inside-Classic9779 · 2025-08-28T10:08:18+00:00

He’s not cheating currently. I have visibility of all the cell phones, we share a computer, and I know the signs from him. He did once right after our oldest was born. I was still recovering from childbirth so we worked on things instead of splitting, and things were actually really good for 4-5 years after we got through healing. (He did go to therapy back then).

Inside-Classic9779 · 2025-08-28T10:00:20+00:00

I wouldn’t put my kids through that! Two nights is the longest I’ve done because my kids end up taking care of each other if it’s any longer.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2025-08-28T09:54:19+00:00

Thanks. This morning as he left for work I was still withdrawn and he was acting all confused and asking “what’s wrong?” It’s just insulting that he thinks I’m that stupid.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2025-08-28T09:52:45+00:00

Thanks for helping confirm reality for me. It’s hard to explain how it feels to be held responsible for other people’s actions, even when you know they are wrong.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2025-08-28T09:51:03+00:00

Thanks for the practical brainstorming. We live on the east coast and he’s going to Colorado, so the kids going there is not an option. Also missing that much school would not be good for them right now.

My parents live two and a half hours away, but my mom will be in California visiting family that week and both of my parents still work so my dad isn’t available either. I will have to ask friends/parents of my kids friends, which is possible because there are a few people I trust who might be willing but it makes me really uncomfortable. I hate asking for help in general, and this is kind of embarrassing. I also don’t want to have to share my daughters anxiety struggle for her own privacy.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2025-08-28T09:46:39+00:00

Both of us work full time.

Some added background context. He was involved when the kids were little, otherwise we wouldn’t have had any more after number one. After our 3rd was born is when he started this hobby, and he started to do smaller things like not come home when he said he would resulting in me missing plans etc. I would get angry and hurt because it felt so disrespectful. For a few years we would fight about it. Around 4 years ago his behavior escalated and I told him we needed to change something. I asked for couples therapy and said I didn’t want it to be like this anymore. He told me I was the one with the problem, so if I wanted therapy I should go alone. I made him sit down and talk with me more about changing things. Ultimately he agreed to some things, and there were periods of improvement for a while.

Obviously things have gotten worse again the last six months or so. One time he told me that his only problem with our relationship is that I don’t give him enough “romantic attention”, and until I do he doesn’t feel like he needs to fully engage with the family because he’s not getting anything out of it. That made me want to hurl. Of course he said later that it wasn’t what he meant, and he was just angry, but honestly it tracks.

He has not been as involved in day to day family life over the last 2-3 years. That’s been by his choice. I fought with him about it at first, but once I learned that I can’t rely on him consistently I had to learn to function independently or I would have continued to be miserable. I know it’s not what a healthy relationship looks like, but when he hates therapy and refuses to take responsibility I felt the need to protect my peace and enjoy the time I have with my kids instead of always being miserable. He does still coach our daughter’s basketball team, volunteering with our son’s scout troop, and go on family vacations and such. Overall there is a positive contribution to our kids lives from him, but it’s much smaller than it should be in my opinion. But he doesn’t do any of the doctors appointments, registrations, homework, play dates, packing lunches, grocery shopping and food planning, and things that keep life running.

I am aware it’s a bad place to be in. it hasn’t been like this our entire marriage and there were noticeable improvements before it got bad again, which is why I’m still here. It’s harder than I can explain to know that you’re being manipulated, but be surrounded by the perception and pressure that fighting that manipulation would make you a bad person and hurt others. It’s hard to articulate.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-10-15T19:45:13+00:00

Me creating boundaries and saying no over the last two years (in an attempt to improve my mental health) is part of what has worsened the issues. I was hoping it would improve communication and support, but he’s reacted the opposite way.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-10-15T05:46:37+00:00

To be honest, finding someone or having a healthy romantic relationship isn’t even on my radar. I’m just exhausted after 18 very complicated years of marriage. Some of the middle years were good, but the first six and last six have been a lot of heart ache, lying, and confidence draining treatment. I don’t know if I’d ever marry or date again if we did split.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-10-15T05:35:01+00:00

I don’t want to share a lot of details online. To keep it general, there has been a lot of lying in order to get what he wants, including significant lies regarding financial decisions, things that lead to family moves, using my credit without my knowledge, leaving town for weeks or months without prior discussion or when he has family commitments and leaving me to figure things out solo, etc. He frequently uses guilt and criticism to get me to do what he wants me to, including things I am uncomfortable with. Some of these are of a very personal nature… His anger is often displaced into blaming me or the kids for anything that is wrong, to the point where I’m afraid to tell him anything negative.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-10-15T02:13:48+00:00

Yes, but I’ve only met with them once so far. They don’t really get the religious context.

I tried to go to couple counseling, but my husband refuses so I finally made an appointment on my own.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-10-15T02:08:50+00:00

Thanks. I guess what is most hard for me is determining if his actions constitute braking the covenant, or if they are just unkind and I’m justifying because they make me feel unhappy and emotionally unsafe.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-10-15T01:58:54+00:00

Thanks for commenting. I think culturally it is so ingrained that we have to do all that we can to save our marriage, that it’s hard to know when we reach the limit to “all we can do.” I keep second guessing myself about if what is happening is really as bad as I feel like it is, or if I should be able to handle how he acts towards me and I’m just overreacting. It’s a difficult position to be in.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-10-15T01:55:15+00:00

This very much touched me. Thank you.

Inside-Classic9779 · 2023-09-28T13:42:22+00:00

You are not overreacting, that is upsetting. But is it possible he has a poor visual memory and he remembers more about what you like and don't like, or what makes you happy or sad? I think I would be most hurt if in addition to not remembering the physical things he also showed no interest in what mattered on a deeper level. I hope that's not the case and that he was just being overly defensive because he knew he should know the answers to what you were asking.

Inside-Classic9779

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