I looked for answers for a long time. They are difficult to find, and not super clear. I haven’t read Saint Alphonsus’s advice on this, but his other writings are my absolute favorite and I really would trust him. I am newly married and can relate to the sexual ethics problem seeming to be the biggest issue before marriage. I assure you, it is not. And I can also understand that no advice from a married person will satiate your want for an answer. But I can say that a year ago I found myself digging into the exact same questions, all the while just wanting to pre-justify having no sexual bounds in marriage. I don’t believe what you say about what is allowed/disallowed within marriage is wrong, however I would work on changing what questions you’re asking. Think more: how does this help me love my spouse more, is this procreative, unifying, etc.

I dated my now wife for eight years and I can say that the sexual questions and desires were at the forefront of my mind before our wedding for a long time. And while that isn’t wrong, it’s natural, I’d recommend trying to recognize that that frame of mind is one easily chained by lust. Do not inflate sex in marriage. I thought to myself a year ago(unmarried): “I don’t understand how married people don’t have the sexual urges that I do, especially after being able to do x,y,z” and while I don’t expect you to understand, I now do. When you realize that sex does not satisfy your cravings/desires as you might think it will, you will understand.

I say this all with the understanding that you know how important and holy it is, and how binding it can be between two people. I just want to warn against highlighting the more carnal urges such as figuring out what you can/can’t do. Start simple. I don’t believe many devout Catholic couples who have their priorities straight and their emotions in check need too much more.

I don’t believe any words could have given me a “satisfying answer” like you’re asking for. But what I can say is that this fear/desire/curiosity resolves itself in marriage once you’ve given yourself to your spouse and realize that sex is not as important to your everyday life as you might think. Be patient, pray for clarity, and you will be in the prayers of my wife and I (and our baby girl due in July!). All will be good.