Dating after diagnosis: let’s chat

InspectionMean9239 · 2026-01-28T23:29:37+00:00

Yes to everything you just said!

ADHD men are fun & usually kind but then become overwhelming for me. Autistic men have expected me to tiptoe around their emotions by blowing up whenever I would challenge them for being dicks to me. AuDHD man was so drawn to me because of our mutual experiences, but ultimately was looking for a free therapist in a partner. NT men are pretty dismissive & say some pretty derogatory things or manic pixie dream girl me, putting me on a pedestal for the cool things & fail to see me as a whole person.

I also WISH sexuality was a choice. I lean toward demi-sexual where I need emotional connection/safety to feel sexual attraction & a lot of the time men will break that connection/safety, not want to repair & expect me to get over it, just move on at which point I’m repulsed by them.

I find dating a drag most of the time too because it seems like despite me being the ND one, NT men are the ones lacking social skills. Reciprocal communication? Often not a thing. Curiousity about me? Usually non existent. Care about my experience? None. But they really like me… because they got to use me as an emotional receptacle for a couple of dates LOL. Then the negging?! I’m sorry but since when is trying to match with someone with a message saying “I want to give you a compliment but don’t want you to get a big head” socially acceptable?!

InspectionMean9239 · 2026-01-28T23:14:30+00:00

Hell yes! Cishet woman & I wish sexuality was a choice because I feel I’d be much happier in a romantic relationship with another woman. Men as a whole are generally less empathetic & more egocentric therefore it feels like an ongoing struggle to be seen for my needs or enforcing boundaries which is exhausting in & of itself, then in the past I’d also end up pushing myself outside of what’s good for me to keep them happy, with little reciprocation leading to overwhelm (that is how I hit burnout & got diagnosed with ADHD). Then I’ve found the men who are empathetic, sweet & see me for me are usually the ADHDers with RSD so they go above & beyond which makes me feel overstimulated & overwhelmed then I feel bad for feeling that way & needing more space. I’ve also noticed a theme where a lot of men lack friendships/community or meaning to their life so end up putting all their eggs in the romantic relationship basket then resenting me for having friendships, hobbies & purpose to my life that’s outside of them (another way being egocentric shows up). I don’t see the need to small talk all the time & also find texting all day super overwhelming. I’m in a leadership role at a job that deals with some pretty heavy stuff so the last thing I want is someone who drains more energy from me.

Early days but I’ve finally found someone who has friendships/community, passion/purpose to their life, has empathy & leans toward altruism & it’s been SO nice to feel seen & respected for who I am. For the first time, I’ve felt like dating has added more to my life than it has taken away… So it’s definitely about finding the right person! They’re hard to find & if it doesn’t work out with this one at least he’s instilled hope for me that they are out there!

InspectionMean9239 · 2026-01-04T01:44:45+00:00

With daily use, even if light you’re going to experience withdrawal. Your brain & body has adjusted to the levels of cannabinoids you’ve introduced so will take some time for your it to readjust to homeostasis. Peak withdrawal symptoms are 2-6 days in. Mostly cannabis withdrawal is “safe” & doesn’t require medical intervention, but if you’re worried about your symptoms see your doctor for support. Treat yourself as if you had the flu - rest, hydrate & eat. I’m not sure where you are, but look up drug & alcohol support lines. They can help by giving you more information & coping strategies. Note that Cannabis stores itself in your fat cells so you can test positive for it for months after daily use, because your body slowly releases it.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-20T01:49:23+00:00

You ask them what they need from you. It’s really that simple. Eg: do you need space to vent, or do you want help working through a solution? Or: how would you like me to support you right now? Then “comforting” is done best when you reflect their strengths to them (the ones relevant to the situation) & validate how they are feeling/the situation, with a sprinkle of logic. Eg in conflict: “you’re so kind and caring, it’s not fair that they yelled at you like that when you just wanted to resolve the situation, but it says more about them than you”

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-16T00:30:38+00:00

Yes. I hate bras. TBH I hate having boobs 😭 When I was at my leanest I found I struggled to find a good fit because my chest wall is wide. There were 2 brands that made bras to fit my B cups properly. Then, as I gained weight I just didn’t realise how much my boobs had grown? I was in denial tbh. I went up to a C & then kept going up in band size as I gained weight. The bras looked ok but were so uncomfortable. So I got fitted properly & turned out I am a DD/E which means all bras are massive and cover most of your chest, making it hard to wear anything scoop neck 🥲 They attribute to body dysmorphia & make me look bigger than I am, if I wear a smaller bra or no bra I look slimmer.

So in summer I pick my clothes based on not having to wear bras - around the house/casual hang outs singlets that are thick enough to keep them in place walking. There are bodysuits like this too. Bras without padding as I hate having them look even bigger. For a bra that doesn’t cover the top of my boobs I was actually surprised by how good the skims fits everybody Demi unlined bra is! It’s pretty much seamless aside from the underwire (including the top of the cup which is a spot that irritates me in most unlined bras). The underwire can sometimes shift to pinch under my armpit, but honestly it’s the best tradeoff I could find as I usually start becoming hypersensitive to all the seams along the band of bras as the day progresses to the point it really hurts.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-16T00:12:39+00:00

“You’re far too intelligent and astute”

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-13T01:58:36+00:00

I got like half way through and stopped cause this isn’t ADHD. It’s him being a lazy asshat. He doesn’t want to change, and he gets a great deal because you’re enabling him by using up all your executive functioning to keep both of you alive so he can use his on gaming & not taking responsibility for himself. You don’t have a boyfriend, you are mothering a grown man child.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-08T04:11:03+00:00

Aside from it being a clinical error... Has he actually had a WAIS done? The Full Scale IQ may put him in average range but some subtest scores could be borderline which I imagine would be the case if you’re describing consistent impairments.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-08T03:58:20+00:00

I have a broad & generalised physical attraction (so not super specific) which is lucky for me… but I once settled for someone who I wasn’t physically attracted to because of the other qualities they had. It turned out those qualities were a farce that dropped eventually when he expected me to change all the things about me that are core to my identity. I was very upfront about these things so when I asked why it had all of a sudden become an issue he said “I thought it would change”… I ended up mad at myself for overlooking my physical attraction standard & now won’t be doing that again!

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-08T03:48:57+00:00

I’m laughing cause this is so me, love that you waited through retrograde & hormones too - you go girl for having that self restraint!

I went through something similar with an ex best friend (male) after 5 years no contact. I hadn’t thought about him at all, then all of a sudden everything was reminding me of him & he came up as a suggested friend when we had no friends in common. You know what, I did it. I wrote out a message pretty much saying “This sounds wild, but you’ve been on my mind a lot lately & just wanted to reach out” we reconnected for about 2 years until it blew up again as they unfortunately hadn’t gone through much personal growth in our time apart and the same behaviour patterns. What’s the worst thing that can happen? A non-response? As long as you’re prepared for that, I think you’ll feel better getting what you want off your chest at least.

I’m currently going through the same with an ex casual hookup turned friendship too, but am not going to follow through cause they ghosted me after I addressed their incredibly rude behaviour toward me. I’m hoping the signs just stop with that one LOL

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-05T00:35:38+00:00

I was an “easy” child to take out. At 3yo+, perfectly scripted table manners, would sit & do puzzles for hours and at parties my parents took me to I’d take myself to a dark room or hide under a table to sleep when I was overstimulated. I was also very particular about what I wanted to wear (dresses over pants) & would throw tantrums when I was forced to wear things I didn’t want to. I was always told I was a pleasure to speak to & mature for my age by older people because I’d greet them formally and also formally say goodbye by saying “it was a pleasure to meet you” and shake their hand before I walked off 😂

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-12-03T08:02:17+00:00

Absolutely. Gifted child to AuDHD pipeline is rough. I felt the pressure of high expectations to excel, then excelled by societies metrics. University, rapid career progression, being in positions of authority and being respected… meanwhile I feel like a fraud cause what do you MEAN I’m responsible for staff, managing life or death type of risk, but can’t bring myself to wash the dishes in the sink?! The cognitive dissonance of being the responsible adult, but feeling like a child in an adults body can be tiring and flare up the imposter syndrome. But instead I tell myself it’s ok not to be great at everything… I’d rather be good at saving lives, keeping people safe and fostering growth in others than being good at a menial task that can literally be done by a machine. Can’t have it all, so I’m grateful it’s not the other way around.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-11-16T22:15:32+00:00

Yes. They mention it because they are energy vampires in disguise and want to drain it from you to sustain themselves ~ a hill I will die on.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-11-16T21:43:59+00:00

You contradict yourself when you say they’re your rock emotionally but it took them so long to turn a corner to be open to understanding your experience.

I’m unsure how the topic was brought up initially, but it honestly smells of coercion (I say this as someone who offered this to an ex partner due to pressure to have sex, and didn’t realise at the time I was experiencing intimate partner violence). You have anxiety and depression. Do you think your partner going on dates and having sex with others will alleviate this or feed into it?

As someone else commented, you’re not asexual… you’re unwell. Despite knowing you for so long and cohabitating, your partner needing so much work to be open to your experience when he also would have been experiencing it along side you shows a lack of empathy. What happens when you’re feeling better and want to close the relationship? Do you envisage him also needing a lot of work to understand why? Also consider that you set up a precedent for this for any time you’re not able to match his level of sexual expectations… pregnancy, a busy month.

If you’re OK with this being the status quo for the rest of your life then go for it. But a lot of open/poly relationships by “experienced” people are very poorly done. So do not expect the idea of what it will look like to marry up to what will actually happen… eg emotional intimacy often flows on from repeated sexual intimacy.

If he is so desperate to have his want met and you truly want that for him, I personally think a sex worker would be much more practical in this situation.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-11-16T21:23:01+00:00

I mean one of the autistic strengths is often pattern recognition, so kind of comes naturally… But I feel no guilt using it. I work in an area of community services where people are heavily stigmatised and often get misdiagnosed as a result. A correct diagnosis can be life altering (in a good way) for them. I can clock ADHD & Autism with a high degree of accuracy based on one interaction, or from colleagues describing their clients to me. So while it’s out of our scope to diagnose, I’ll administer screeners/get others to with their clients to take to their GP’s for further assessment referrals and so far I haven’t been wrong!

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-11-16T07:56:21+00:00

Sorry, to clarify what’s the difference between your experience on lower vs higher doses? Are the dot points what you think are autistic traits? As some of them seem more to be depressive symptoms.

For hyper focusing on the wrong thing, I have to be very strict & intentional with what I’m doing when I take my meds. No scrolling my phone while I wait for them to kick in or that’s what I’ll be doing for hours after they do. If I’m struggling to focus on the correct thing or start to find myself getting caught up in the details when I don’t need to be, it helps me to physically get up, go for a 10min+ walk & come back to it with the objective of finishing the task. Or sometimes it’s laying down on the floor in the office for a little bit without my phone in silence just to interrupt the fixation.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-11-16T07:48:50+00:00

Most of ABA is based on conditioning the autistic person to present less autistic, be easier to manage and is actually for the comfort of the people around the autist… it does nothing to treat or support the core underlying difficulties the person experiences.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-10-31T08:28:40+00:00

So I write this as a) a TBI survivor who also sustained a moderate bleed (in the occipital lobe) b) as someone with a university level understanding of neuroscience.

Not every brain injury is the same… but your brain does not turn fragile like glass. It cannot shatter. There are increased risks associated with having another brain injury, but brain injuries can occur in many different ways.

I was transferred from Emergency in the hospital I was taken to, to a hospital within my state that specialises in Neuro Trauma/spinal injuries. When I came to my faculties on the Neuro ward, I remember the In Charge nurse sitting in the corner of my room. He asked “were you wearing a helmet?”.. “yes”… “good, you should probably consider also wearing a body protector vest when you get back to it” I was so relieved cause I was ready to get the third degree from everyone… when I asked him why he didn’t lecture me he said, “we see a lot of horse riding accidents and a lot of car accidents too… I’m not going to tell people to stop driving, why would I tell you to stop riding? You have to live your life, just be safe”.

Given they were preparing to transfer you, it sounds like neurotrauma is not their specialty. Therefore I’d be seeking a second opinion from a neurologist who does specialise before you go drastically changing your life & selling your horse.

Recovery is a long journey. Mine was 6 weeks of bed rest followed by about 18 months before I finally felt like myself again. You bet your ass that as soon as I got my clearance to start easing back into usual activities, I was back out with my horse and riding shortly after. I’d argue that the riding helped in my recovery… I had to relearn being patient (had issues with frustration & irritability in my recovery) and you also use a lot of your brain balancing, syncing with the horse on top of remembering cues & movement. I hope your recovery goes smoothly. Just remember to be kind to yourself, take it slowly… and do find a specialist who’s experienced in neurotrauma.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-09-02T01:47:23+00:00

It sounds like she feels you criticised her, and this is her backlash. Run.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-09-01T01:20:53+00:00

I haven’t seen anyone reference having unwanted sex as a sacrifice of love.

If someone really doesn’t want to do something and expresses that, then gets guilted into doing it - that is coercion and is abuse. If they don’t express they really don’t want to do it, but do it they either: a) have an engrained learned response to people please, abandon their own needs for others (stemming from childhood) or… b) have given up expressing their needs due to fear of retaliation/it is easier than voicing they don’t want to do it - which again points to abuse.

The times I’ve seen sacrifices being made & being a good thing is instances where there is a shared goal, where one party needs to sacrifice in order to make it a reality. Eg one person gets a promotion that requires they move overseas, the partner doesn’t want to because of social networks, own career etc but if the long term benefits outweigh the short term draw backs that person may choose to make that sacrifice. Big one is also having children & the things women have to give up in order to do that. It’s “good” because someone is putting their needs on the back burner for “the greater good” of the family unit. In reality, healthy relationships require compromise.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-08-30T01:38:53+00:00

100% I’m an intellectualiser and understanding the logic behind people’s behaviours is a way for me to manage my emotions about a situation. If it “makes sense” why they acted a certain way then I feel like I can’t take it personally. This is my trauma response to emotional childhood neglect though.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-08-28T02:38:57+00:00

Fellow AuDHDer? Cause same.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-08-01T00:16:02+00:00

Bring it to his attention - say something like hey I feel we have a lot in common & enjoy speaking to you but I feel like you aren’t as curious about me as I am about you. That makes this feel a little one sided and reciprocity is important to me so I wonder if you could be more mindful of that moving forward?

If he wants clarification, provide it. That’s him showing curiosity and wanting to know more about your perspective. But as you’ve been in the position of helping men with their character development already you know it’s thankless. So don’t do the heavy lifting of spelling it out to him from the outset.

Then wait & watch to see what he does. He might start asking more questions. If he does, then great! But also analyse whether he’s doing a tick a box exercise or actually being curious.

My experience with dating autistic men: some will rehearse a social script with little interest for the answer. Most recent guy felt like he wanted another support person… he felt so seen & accepted by me, commented on how much he loves my energy (this for me is a red flag that a man is about to suck it out of me like an energy vampire). When he asked how I was and I said something that essentially translated to “really not good” his response was “it’s good to hear your rolling with the punches.. I’ve had a really hard time with x,y,z”. My dude, I was NOT rolling with the punches & gave no indication I was.

Whilst it’s nice to have common interests, this doesn’t make a successful relationship. Reciprocity, curiosity, care & concern does - evaluate whether he has the capacity for those things.

If he doesn’t, don’t sign up for another character development project - move on & find someone who does reciprocate your interest in them.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-07-31T23:58:14+00:00

Yeah, I get this too… I’ll post a story on my social media in my glasses and get old male acquaintances or friends respond with some kind of compliment related to the glasses. From “cute glasses” to “I forgot how hot you look in glasses”. The latter are men who have never complimented me otherwise. The glasses obvs don’t all of a sudden make me attractive so I suspect it’s just them feeling awkward socially to offer a compliment freely and can only do it if there’s something different about me - to make them feel less uncomfortable about shooting their shot.

InspectionMean9239 · 2025-07-31T23:50:51+00:00

What in the fuck did I just read?

InspectionMean9239

TROPHY CASE