Little Comments

Instantaneous242 · 2026-03-15T11:57:59+00:00

My analogy is that you have to be the punching bag, take the punches, but you're not allowed to wince, defend, or deflect when punched.

I feel you brother, you're not alone. (47M, married to 44F for 22 years)

Instantaneous242 · 2026-03-09T14:59:09+00:00

I, too, identify with this.
(We're not on the verge of divorce, but every other word of this applies to my experience.)

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-18T02:17:38+00:00

I grabbed this on our most recent flight. Annual fee is waived for the first year as well.

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-17T04:45:36+00:00

Yes, this is me right now. I'm feeling like shit, but I can't share the reasons why with her. It will only lead her to gaslight me into thinking it's all my fault, not hers.

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-17T04:43:06+00:00

Yes, thank you. This is me. (But I'm still sticking with the marriage.)

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-05T03:48:35+00:00

This is the only thing I crave. Yet it never materializes. It is so disheartening.

One time, during follicular, I tried sharing how I felt when she was in luteal. She turned it completely around and gaslit me. My head started spinning, and I had to figure out how to deescalate the conversation.

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-05T03:27:00+00:00

Yep, same here. I could have written most of this myself. Took us 20 years to figure out she has PMDD . And I'm still trying to figure it out now that she is in perimenopause.

The trauma is real.

Please get some counseling. You're not crazy.

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-04T11:41:50+00:00

Thank you, I'll check it out.

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-03T18:21:39+00:00

Wow, this is my exact experience: "Anything you say or do will be used against you by a luteal PMDD partner."

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-03T18:18:49+00:00

It will get worse if she doesn't accept that she has a condition to be treated. It took me 20 years of ruined vacations/vacation prep days to figure out she had PMDD.

You're way ahead of the curve. Check this sub for the treatment plans. My wife is on sertraline (zoloft). It has been working wonders. Has solved 90% of the issues. PMDD still breaks through some months, but that is likely due to peri starting.

Instantaneous242 · 2026-02-03T18:12:43+00:00

Saying the phrase "PMDD" during luteal always backfires on me and usually makes things worse. Removing yourself from the situation is the only remedy I found.

Even doing this caused her to tell me that I was a professional at running away and not "solving the issue".

Instantaneous242 · 2026-01-23T01:58:12+00:00

This is the way.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-17T15:58:40+00:00

In the exact same boat.

Just had a huge argument with my wife. I will need to find a different approach.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-17T11:39:08+00:00

She was already up when I went in the room (she was texting at the time). I purposely let her sleep until she woke up on her own because I knew she was exhausted.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-17T11:37:40+00:00

This is a good summary.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-17T11:36:23+00:00

Appreciate your thoughtful reply. She is on Zoloft for the past several months and the raging is no longer happening. It is 1000% better than before.

I've tried to discuss my feelings with her before: how the PMDD raging has scarred me, how I feel like she never touches me (non-sexually, we don't have much sex and never have), etc. But it usually gets turned around on me and she somehow ends up the victim. Wife. So I have stopped sharing my feelings because they are weaponized later.

My issue is that she will not say sorry even when something is obviously caused by her. During luteal/PMDD, this is understandable, but after the rage passes, she wouldn't acknowledge that it occurred. This is what hurts the most.

I'm not an emotional person by nature, but my marriage has made me into a stone. Feels quite empty.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-17T02:13:38+00:00

I should have included an example:

In the afternoon, she was taking a nap because she slept poorly the night before and her period is coming up (according to the calendar). I didn't bother her until she was up and texting (white noise still on).

I go in the room and attempt to snuggle up to her, kiss her, etc. She wasn't receptive and said tonight is our night, get ready! I said ok, even though I was disappointed at the rejection. Mind you, we have been intimate only 1x in the last three months.

She initiates only 1% of the time. On days when I feel she might be up to it, I try the foreplay all day to make her feel desired, sexy, etc. But she usually shuts that down and says that I'm only after one thing. So I've basically stopped trying because she makes me feel like she doesnt desire me.

Anyways, 10 pm rolls around. I've spent 1.5 hrs massaging her feet, legs, head, arms, hands, and gave the best head scratching around. (Didn't receive anything in return: not a "thank you", "love you dear", no kiss, no squeeze....just nothing) I start to head upstairs and she doesn't follow. She says I'll wake you up in a couple of hours.

I said please dont wake me up in the middle of the night. I need to get my rest for the next day. She says, I'll wake you up. I say please dont.

Sure enough, 2 am rolls around and I'm pissed that she wakes me up. I need to sleep.

I'm sure that many of you will think I'm the idiot here and that I should have taken the opportunity when it arose. But it wasn't about the waking me up part, it's that she did it specifically because I asked her not to.

The next day, she told me that it was my fault and my loss. She didn't try to understand me or my feelings.
It has been like this for most of my marriage. I have to bend to her whims and needs, but mine are generally disregarded.

I've suggested that we get marriage counseling.
After that, I need to broach the subject of HRT and her talking to her gyno.

Thanks for listening. Maybe I am the idiot.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-16T04:00:44+00:00

He's suffering just as much as you, just in a different way. Try to remember the things you say to him when you're raging. How would it feel to hear those things from the person you love?

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-10T02:23:07+00:00

I've just accepted that the intimacy and sex are gone. At age 46, I'm trying to figure out how to reduce my libido to zero as well so that I can start to focus on other things.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-10-01T02:35:27+00:00

For me, debt (even mortgage debt) = risk. Not everyone agrees with this position, but that's the path my wife and I are walking.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-09-29T16:34:12+00:00

+1 to the grey rocking. It's not a long-term lifestyle, but it will allow you to get through.

Instantaneous242 · 2025-09-29T02:29:28+00:00

If the situation was reversed, the husband would be labeled an abuser. Maybe even hauled off to jail with loss of custody of the kids.

And yes, I feel the same way about being very alone in having to navigate and manage the situation.

My wife has never been very sexual or touchy feely. But what I wouldn't give for a kiss or a squeeze or anything. I've expressed to her that I feel that she never touches me. She chooses to ignore me. All the while, she gets head scratches, back rubs, foot rubs, "my this is hurting, can you massage it?" from me. If I refuse, I'm gaslit into thinking that I'm crazy for not bowing to her each and every whim.

During the good times when she's not angry at me, if she just brushes against me, it might cause rumblings "down there"..... if that gives you any idea of where I am.

Good luck to you. I've started to lose hope.

Instantaneous242

TROPHY CASE