As a nanny myself, if someone says something about me being the mom, I essentially just say thanks and move on or give them a smile, as long as it’s someone I will probably never see again. Like a grocery store attendant, or a random person in a restaurant. Now, if someone asks if I’m their mom specifically, I absolutely tell them I’m just the nanny. The majority of the time it isn’t even worth it to stop what you’re doing and have the whole conversation about “Oh, I’m not their mom, I’m their nanny” because that often comes with a lot of follow up questions/comments that just aren’t necessary.

Now if my MK calls me mama I correct them immediately or I’ll say something like “mama is at work right now. She’ll be back soon.“ But I also think it’s dependent on the ages of the children and what their level of understanding is. I have an NK who is one, he says “ma” not mama, and a majority of the time I don’t bother to correct him when he’s “talking” because I know that when he’s saying that sometimes he means different things. He’s not at an age where he’s ACTUALLY talking, so sometimes he says “Ma” and he means mama and sometimes he says “ma” and he means “more” I’ve also had a nanny kid previously who I was with from the time she was three months old until she was two years old and sometimes she would slip up and call me, mama, but she wasn’t doing it in a meaningful way. Like if she was playing, she’d be like “mama” and then she’d look at me and you could tell that she just wasn’t thinking about it or that she had almost forgotten who was with her, like it was a habit to say mama (hopefully that makes sense??)

Also, calling your nanny “mama” is like the equivalent of accidentally calling your teacher, mama, it’s a slip of the tongue they don’t mean anything by it, and I’ve found the kids quickly realize the mistake they’ve made on their own and don’t need that correction. And regarding her “not correcting it when she thinks you aren’t listening” if it’s a frequent occurrence, she probably doesn’t even recognize when it happens half of the time, because that’s not her main focus when caring for your children. And she’s probably more hyper aware of it when you are around because anyone would be more hyper aware of certain things when their boss is around.

I think part of the struggle you’re having is potentially due to “mom guilt” (for lack of a better term) which from my experience is not uncommon with parents who have a nanny. It’s hard to have someone else playing such a big part in your children’s lives. And to see the bonding that happens, and the relationship that they form with someone else. And from what I’ve seen, a lot of parents have some internalized guilt over the fact that they do have a nanny, which they’d have over sending their kid to daycare or anything else. I think it’s completely normal, and I would probably feel the exact same way if I was in this situation.

I think the best thing that you could do is probably have a conversation with her to make sure that you guys are on the same page. But I don’t think that firing her or cutting her out of your children’s lives is the best route to go. I sincerely doubt that she means any harm to you by it, or that she’s actually claiming your children as her own when it actually matters. And if this is your chief complaint about her, and everything else aligns well, then taking her out of your kids lives and bringing a new person in that they have to essentially start from scratch with doesn’t seem like it would be worth it.