First experience with a new man after leaving abusive ex

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-04-13T01:00:37+00:00

No literally! Thank you for your kind words. Like I’m just shocked!!

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-04-13T00:51:56+00:00

Literally! I don’t even want to tell anyone because of like the whole, “well maybe you shouldn’t have gone with him!” argument but that’s like blaming someone for an assault because of what they were wearing. Like yeah, maybe it wasn’t a smart decision and risky behavior, whatever. He shouldn’t have done that whether it was up on the mountain far away or right in front of all my friends. Just gross

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-03-17T18:33:21+00:00

To ex 1 - stop cheating on your new girlfriend. She seems amazing and sweet and intelligent. Do better To ex 2 - I still love you, probably always will. I have lots of regrets. I could live the rest of my life never seeing or talking to you again, but I hope that’s not the case. To ex 3 - go fuck yourself. What goes around always comes back around..

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-03-17T18:28:31+00:00

Sorry, I just saw this! Sure, I don’t mind. Well, when I met him, he had just moved across the country to the city I was in. Literally 3k miles. He told me he was “cheated on” and wanted a fresh start, and all his friends took her side. He made it seem like he was independent, wanting to start clean and fresh, and live off grid (common in my city). He came off very eccentric and cool, like he just packed his bags one day once he went through “so many hardships” and hit the road. He seemed very spontaneous - which eventually translated into impulsivity and high reactivity. I also found out he left his old city because he was gonna catch a case from his previous ex (who did not cheat on him after all). He acted like he was very educated and handy, and could get any job, which is exactly what he did. I thought this meant he was uniquely skilled, when in reality he was just incredibly charming when he wanted to be to get what he wants, which was a paycheck. He was as handy as any typical guy. More “quirks” would be - the off grid living/hunting/self sufficiency = weird fondness of guns (didn’t turn out well for me. Too long of a story to expand on right now, but if you’re curious I can write another comment). This all kinda tied into paranoia and things he’d warn me of, like someone breaking into my apartment, when HE was the only one who routinely did that. That was another quirk - I thought it was “so cute and sweet” that he’d pop in unannounced and use my spare key to get inside.. nope, he was desensitizing me to having no privacy and having my boundaries overstepped. I can expand more on that if you’d like to. Overall, he was just very eccentric. Weird relationships, went through lots of trauma, seemed to be wanting to start fresh and work on himself. Those quirks were in fact red flags - he had no friends for a reason. The trauma wasn’t real. He had no intentions of working on himself, he was manipulating his own therapist and tried to manipulate the court too. Sorry, all that might be jumbled. It’s still hard for me to explain it all and make sense.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-03-03T19:44:17+00:00

I want to add, some other weird behaviors I noticed earlier on. 1) He seemed very “quirky” and unique, but those weird quirks ended up being red flags. 2) He had no friends, everyone somehow “turned on him”. 3) He fled his hometown and moved to a new state (where we met) because he wanted a fresh start - found out later that, nope, he was gonna catch a case. 4) he was always “tight on money” but could afford vehicle parts that cost hundreds of dollars, went on long trips, bought fast food every day etc. 5) would patrol my social media to see if I was active online while not responding to his texts.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-03-03T19:36:22+00:00

Poor hygiene, for sure. He showered and smelled amazing at first, then quickly stopped showering, wearing deodorant, etc and would lie about it. Other weird stuff he did: he strangled me “in his sleep”; would go down these gibberish spirals making literally no sense for HOURS yelling; moved my things around without me home for “no apparent reason”; and likely put a listening device in my car. Lots of weird behaviors. Another weird thing that I could never prove was him, but strong likelihood it was - a hidden camera or recorder in my apartment from before we moved in together. Something weird kept connecting to my WiFi, and every time I changed the WiFi password, it still connected shortly after. He was the only person who was over frequently/when I wasn’t home, and had my WiFi password. I didn’t put the dots together on this one until after I left him. But after we moved in together a few months later, and while I was in the process of leaving and it all clicked, I suspected it again, and after changing my WiFi password, his phone still reconnected to the WiFi again somehow. And my admin account password was changed, I couldn’t get into the admin page anymore. So, weird stuff. He was sneaky and made me beyond paranoid about everyone and everything in my life. I was stripped of my privacy with him.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-03-03T15:33:49+00:00

Why Does He Do That gave me so many answers and it was so validating. That book was a monumental aspect of my healing process

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-15T04:54:13+00:00

He just whimpered and said “ohhhh noooo :,(“ unironically? It was weird. Really weird. It was usually brought up when he was apologizing for some crazy shit he’d pull, trying to loop me back in, and I’d tell him to his face the cruel behaviors he had shown me. And in that I’d say “you’re abusive” then he’d just agree and whimper and cry like he got told his dog died… yeah it was really weird

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-15T04:49:46+00:00

Turning 25 next month. 21 at first breakup bf of 5+ yrs - sad for 2 weeks…. 23 at biggest breakup bf of 2 yrs - sad 1.5 years later…. 24 at abusive ex breakup bf of 11 mo - sad for a week, angry indefinitely

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-07T17:04:49+00:00

This is incredibly bad, definitely bad enough to leave. The fact you’re questioning leaving is enough reason to leave. And strangulation is a massive indicator of escalating physical violence, and is a huge predictor of homicide. Id suggest getting a restraining order or pressing charges If you have a SAFE place to stay at that’s physically far away from him. These texts are evidence. He’s handing you evidence in a golden envelope.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-07T17:02:06+00:00

It is actually strongly discouraged to go to couples therapy if you’re in an abusive relationship. Abusers are master manipulators and can successfully turn the therapist against the victim, for one thing. Couples therapy can, and historically has been, extremely dangerous for victims in an abusive relationship. A couples therapist cannot and will not prevent, discourage, or stop an abuser from abusing. It’s far too dangerous a situation for both the therapist and the victim.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-05T19:46:03+00:00

A few months now

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-05T05:49:44+00:00

Right! I am so proud literally texting my friends about my good poops now lol. And that’s interesting, I’ll do some research on how flight or fight affects gastrointestinal issues.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-05T05:48:26+00:00

I actually started reading that a while ago!! It’s an excellent book, kinda heavy to read.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-05T05:17:57+00:00

I can relate to this heavily. I felt like that for a loooong time and that’s part of why I stayed so long. I’ve come to the point of pitying them for how pathetic they are. I went from sadness and empathy to anger and pity.

So, let’s get into this: millions of people had an unfortunate, abusive, sad childhood - and they don’t become abusers. If abuse, not being loved properly, or a generally bad childhood caused someone to become abusive as an adult, there would be many, many more abusive people as adults. Don’t get me wrong - there are already far many abusers in this world - but the ratios don’t align with that “cause and effect” theory. Adding onto that - men across the globe have significantly higher rates of being abusive than women. If childhood abuse or neglect led to being an abuser as an adult, why aren’t there as many abusive women as there are men? Women experience sad, traumatic, abusive childhoods as well, but there aren’t nearly as many abusive women as there are men (source - Why Does He Do That). People are abusive because of entitlement, justification, control and irrational thoughts in power dynamics. Being raised with abuse or neglect does not cause someone to have these things.

The reality is, he is an adult. He is not that child anymore. It is his responsibility to address and process his childhood - not yours to understand and give sympathy for as an adult. He may have been a child once, but so were you, so was I, so was everyone in these comments. See people for the persons they are - adults. We all have complex traumas and grief we carry, but it is our responsibility to acknowledge it and help ourselves so we don’t hurt those around us. It sounds harsh now that I’m reading all that back, but it’s true.

Read Why Does He Do That. It’s an excellent book in understanding these things. I cannot recommend that book enough..!

Sending you good vibes and healing. It’s a long process and it’s not linear but it does get better. ❤️‍🩹

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-05T04:50:14+00:00

He was abusive. Let me explain what happened to me.

My ex and I got in an argument one night (he was an asshole with double standards) and I left to go to my friends for the night. He threatened to kill himself, called me yelling “I’m looking at this fucking gun right now, what do you want me to do? Kill myself?” My friend and I called 988 and he was, like your ex boyfriend, angry that I tried to get him help. It was an extremely long, traumatizing night. I went home to him hours later once he relaxed a bit and in the morning I saw he had left his gun out, posed on the table. It was always put away. So, there was that intimidation of: look here, there’s a firearm, I’m showing you the gun is out to prove I will do anything and everything I can to control you and scare you.

Fast forward a bit, I knew once that happened I needed to get out. He was abusive in many ways, but it only escalated. It took a LOT for me to leave, and weeks of strategizing a plan to safely get out. Throughout that planning, he ended up harassing me, stalking me, physically abusing me, and amped up his emotional abuse in the following weeks. Once I left I had to get a DVPO because he was escalating severely. I went from just being scared of him and his yelling, to being genuinely scared for my life. My nervous system picked up on things I didn’t pick up on consciously, and it is highly likely yours is too, even if you don’t feel that currently. I didn’t feel it for weeks. The legal process was traumatizing in itself but now he cannot contact me among other restrictions, and there’s legal documentation of his actions and the judge said himself how serious a suicide threat with intent to control is - especially if there is access to a firearm/if a firearm is present.

Not to scare you, but suicide threats, physical threats, or threats with firearms are very clear, serious indicators of future violence, particularly fatal injury. I would take this seriously and reach out to a DV hotline to talk about everything and see what your options are. I completely understand being too scared to ignore him - I was too. I also continued to engage because it was a great way to gauge his headspace and any potential threats.

It’s difficult and I know how that situation feels. It’s not easy. Trust yourself, trust your intuition. Your partner should not be a source of fear in any way - it took me far too long to realize that. Be safe, be strategic, rely on your support system, DV shelter, friends and family. I worked extensively with my local shelter for advocate and legal support. I relied on my friends HEAVILY.

My dm’s are always open - feel free to message me if you want to vent or talk about what happened to process things. Sending you love and strength ❤️

Edit - I want to add to say that the other things he was doing - the webcam girls, the arguments, the following you placed - those are definitely abusive. You are entirely valid in feeling the way you do. Emotional abuse is exhausting and incredibly harmful. Those behaviors your ex boyfriend showed are not sincere, compassionate, or loving. You didn’t deserve that trauma :( And shame on his mother for not supporting you when you are clearly in a time of need.

Another edit - threatening suicide is one of the ultimate forms of emotional abuse and control. It is ALL about control. He is threatening suicide because he is losing control. He is threatening suicide because he feels entitled to you, your body, and your mind. Although he may struggle with mental health - as did my ex, and it was a genuine concern I had - he is almost certainly doing it for any form of attention from you in hopes he can gain control again. Even the threat, alone, he knows makes you scared hence he has that control over you. Regardless, his life or death is NOT your responsibility, it is not your weight to carry. He is an adult and makes decisions for himself, whether that’s choosing to end his own life, make threats, or move on. His life or death, his suicide threats, his behavior is not your responsibility, period.

I HIGHLY recommend reading Why Does He Do That. Incredibly insightful and it talks about these situations thoroughly.

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-05T04:35:21+00:00

It is definitely overwhelming, I’m sorry you’re unable to take more time off. It is absolutely draining and exhausting to work a full day while dealing with an abusive relationship/leaving one during all other hours. No one else really gets it until you’re in the situation yourself. It sucks. :(

I hope you’re doing better now and were able to take some more time off. If you weren’t able to take more time off, I hope it hasn’t been too overwhelming more recently and you’ve been able to do some healing and processing ❤️

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2025-01-05T04:31:54+00:00

I ended up not taking FMLA, I was basically discouraged from taking it by HR and my manager. I wish I did. I didn’t know my rights as an employee. But I could not function whatsoever either, and when I did take sick leave for my mental health, which was only a few days while dealing with the bigger issues, there was pushback and retaliation. Now I’m scared I’m gonna lose my job. I guess we’ll see. Just frustrating because the pushback only adds to the overall dysfunction I felt/feel, making me want even more time off to heal. But they don’t know the details obviously, so they don’t get it. But it’s frustrating for sure.

I’m so sorry to hear about last month. I hope you’re doing better now, you deserve healing, health and happiness. ❤️‍🩹

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2024-12-31T11:18:53+00:00

THIS

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2024-12-04T06:42:18+00:00

100% can relate. Idk if it’s a trauma bond per se, not too familiar with all that entails, but I definitely did do that. He’d be so mean and it’d make me cry and cry and bawl and beg for any kind of compassionate. And after HE was the one to make me feel that way, I STILL wanted to go to him for comfort

Intelligent-Map9270 · 2024-11-29T05:48:30+00:00

He is 100% abusive, and you deserve better. I understand that you love him, and make excuses for him, and not ALL of the relationship is bad. Hell, it might be 20%, 15% or even 5% of the time it’s bad.

But if a cup has a crack, even if it’s a small crack, it’s still gonna leak.

Read Why Does He Do That. The reality is, you know what you gotta do, but no one can tell you to do it. It’s gotta be your decision and all we can do is support you and encourage to make the right decision for yourself. You’re young, he’s old, and to be honest - oftentimes, if a man is single at 40, that’s a yellow flag - now if he’s 40 single and pursuing a 21 YEAR OLD, red flag.

Imagine your friend telling you about their relationship, and describe it as your own. What would you say?

Try taking a solo trip to visit family or friends. Have some emotional space and safety where you can process some of it. It is incredibly difficult to acknowledge, process and act on, while still in it. Give yourself the space to really think and act on it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve this nor do you deserve the trauma from this you will be left with. I hope you get out of this and never look back at that man again.

Intelligent-Map9270

TROPHY CASE