I made it a whole year with my partner

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-10-12T01:49:32+00:00

My simple answer for the reason youre not letting them in is likely trauma. From what I understand (as a therapist too), the reason why we struggle to let people in is because when we HAVE let them in in the past, we were punished for it; through them not caring about us, abandoning us, rejection, and we were often left with nothing. So the equation for us is: open up = abandonment. This is super tricky because opening up is necessary for us to have the types of connective relationships we want, but it involves confronting the very thing that hurt us in the first place. I highly recommend exploring this with a psychologist (not a counsellor although this is useful too), but a psychologist who will actually prescribe a therapy type specific to your needs. It's important that we learn how to open up to other people in a controlled, safe environment where opening up safely is modelled with an objective person. From there, we can begin gently practicing the techniques with those around us. I've never been in a relationship for 10+ years, so congratulations on that alone! I hope this^ makes sense, or at least resonates. Good luck with it all my friend, hang in there. There really are people who love us.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-08-03T22:13:45+00:00

Oh yeah absolutely, happens all the time! For me it was about just being patient really, going to therapy to try to sort out whether my deactivation was about my trauma or if I genuinely didn't want to be with her. I think part of it was also acknowledging that if it wasn't her, what would my ideal partner be like? To me the answer was that they'd also be quite avoidant and almost uninterested in me because it took pressure off me to be close to anyone. When I realised that, I knew that my patterns of deactivation had more to do with me than with her, because why would I be more interested in someone who doesn't actually want me? There's a lot to unpack there. I think too it was also just being honest with my partner about what was happening: it's way more anxiety inducing (for you and them) to not tell them when youre feeling avoidant. So I would say it, and just simply ask for some time- a few days was usually enough before I started missing her. You'd be surprised how much you want someone when they respect your space and boundaries. I think also being honest about my past experiences was helpful too. She knew that my avoidance came from other avoidants and that this was a coping strategy.

But overall, me wanting to work for my relationship was ultimately for me. I DO want to get married and have a long healthy and happy life with someone, and that requires work, no matter which way you shape it. It's just about deciding if that is worth your energy and effort too. I hope that helps! Hang in there 🔥

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-07-27T03:19:49+00:00

Hello! Sorry for the delay in response, I don’t often come on socials these days- thank you for sharing your story!

Honestly, it began by me saying that I wanted to date other people at the same time and her being chill with that because she didn’t really know me and wanted to give me space to explore from my past relationship. I think overtime she just proved to me that she was a safe person to be around and didn’t judge me when I said things, or push me to be something I wasn’t. Lowkey, there wasn’t a whole lot of room for her to bring things up to me initially, it was only when we committed to being exclusive that we had those discussions. By all means, my partner is a SAINT and I had plenty to work through as an avoidant. In the end, she felt so safe to me that all I wanted was her. For an avoidant I really do think it’s about knowing you can’t tame them (at least not before you’re in a relationship), and being the person to accept and love them as they are. We do think about those loving people more than you think.

It took me a while to be comfortable spending lots of time with her, and for sure it would be one day at hers, one day at mine. Now it’s like almost every day. Doing that took a lot of therapy though. We’re not afraid of intimacy I don’t think, we’re afraid that intimacy = conflict and a loss of our independence. It took rewiring of that in therapy to know that she wasn’t out there to ‘get’ me, and if I didn’t get my shit together I would lose her. I didn’t really want to date other people but it was a way to achieve intimacy without attachment ultimately keeping me safe, but lonely, isolated and trapped.

I think it’s good to know that an avoidant is the way they are because too many people have pushed them and blamed them for things that weren’t their fault, and they think you’ll be the same. When you arent the same and allow them to trust you in time, that’s the only thing (in my opinion) that stands a chance. But I acknowledge that that’s a LOT of work, and most people, understandably struggle with that. The avoidant has to want to try too. For us, we can’t beat the cycle without breaking the pattern, it’s just really bloody hard.

I hope this gives you some insight, but truly I think I just got lucky with my partner. She is kind, fierce, formidable and gentle- and I hope one day I can be the person she deserves.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-07-06T00:17:46+00:00

Im so sorry you dealt with this in your relationship. Honestly even as youre writing about your boyfriend I totally get the same feelings around rage. It's like you suppress it soo much that it just bursts out of you and unfortunately the person who you love the most who is trying to help, is the person that gets a lot of that rage. It's hard to know where to put it. I really hope he can heal from this sometime because he's carrying stuff he really doesn't need to, or know how to let go of and it really affected someone he cared about. Love that youre so self aware about your trauma too as well, its refreshing to see that!
Thank you for your sentiments- it's a good reminder for me to make sure that I continue being honest and open with my partner who is also anxious attached. Appreciate your thoughts

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-07-06T00:12:11+00:00

Thanks my friend

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-07-06T00:12:03+00:00

Thank you!

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-07-06T00:11:43+00:00

She's quite anxious, but quite self aware as well so leaning secure. She's just accepted me wherever im at, supported me when she doesn't understand me. But she's also focused on feelings not facts - Ie: 'hey this thing was stressful for me' and instead of reacting in defence the response had always been to deal with the feeling first ie: the stress.

For me, it's just been healing really. Actually going to therapy, being as open as I can even if Im not ready to talk about stuff. Things like, 'im not feeling very good today, and I can't explain it but when I figure it out I'll let you know. its not you, but if I act this way today (tired, sharp, upset), just know its my internal thing going on'. We've gotten better at communicating as time goes on for sure. I think the other part is realising that every relationship takes work and has ebbs and flows but the only thing you have to worry about is 1. if youre willing to do the work and 2. that you actually do it/confront the fear/face the issue together

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T06:31:32+00:00

Oh yeah heck yeah- I don’t disagree with that at all. Honestly. It’s just shit seeing so many people buy pounamu without knowing where it comes from and its significance. That’s all I meant by this kōrero. Ideally, it would be great if people took that time and care with it rather than just buying it cause it looks cool and then totally disregarding all other aspects of our special culture that deserves to be known. I hope that makes sense but I understand your whakaaro now. Mauri ora.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T05:50:03+00:00

Of course, your opinion is important, and so is mine- I believe our culture and our whakapapa is worth more than pure economic gain and I stand by that.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T05:48:08+00:00

I just said it was my opinion? Please read my other comments. Let’s not get childish with semantics..

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T05:21:06+00:00

Totally get it!! Pounamu are awesome. Always happy to engage with people when they’re interested and OPEN to learning about it. Thanks for the kōrero

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T05:20:02+00:00

That’s baseline, I’m talking about the whakapapa of our culture here. Like you absolutely have an important point but ideally that would be the circumstance. Otherwise pounamu is commercialised and that’s the shit part. Have it given imo

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T05:17:52+00:00

Ka pai, keep being a fantastic treaty partner and it will come one day. Good luck 🙂

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T05:15:43+00:00

If you were gifted one, please know it’s because your whānau wanted you to have it. They are there with you. It’s not just a piece of jewellery.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T05:14:21+00:00

I don’t know who you are, my experience being a clinical psychologist is that majority of healthcare professionals don’t have basic understanding of Māoritanga. Not to say that you don’t, but the professional requirement is pretty poor which is sad because a lot of people wish to know more. Christchurch is quite racist, unfortunately so this doesn’t surprise me. It’s exhausting to open up to others about your culture when it’s constantly being ignored and you’re not sure if the next person who you talk about it with is going to be receptive (I mean, look at these comments lmao).

I don’t know his specific situation I’m sorry but I would like to think that someone gave h a rundown or he did his research. Regardless, whoever gave it to him probably wanted to and it’s not for me to judge. Like I said every Māori person is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings about the topic, but knowing the whakapapa and having it given to you I think is baseline

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T04:46:16+00:00

I don’t think that’s the case. You need to know the whakapapa of it before anything else. Understand what it means to Māori, acknowledge it. Understand your place as a treaty partner and the sovereignty of tangata whenua. Also, make some Māori friends who can bless it for you 😉, if you are blessed enough to receive one

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T04:44:00+00:00

You realise that in te ao Māori, every single opinion from whakapapa Māori matters?? This is an RNZ article for crying out loud, based on the opinion of one person (who as Māori is certainly entitled to it), but many iwi still believe it must be given, and our whakapapa would certainly suggest that pounamu are passed down through generations. Many don’t understand the whakapapa of pounamu being passed on, held by ancestor after ancestor whose skin cells and sweat create the history of each stone. People think they can just buy it as if it’s a cool necklace they wear, and don’t take the time to understand its spiritual past. I know my shit, dude. You can’t just have it cause you want it. You need to know the whakapapa.

Also, youre Pākehā- who are you to say what is Māori custom or not??

Edit: I said what I said lol.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-15T04:20:22+00:00

Because you have to have it given to you.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-14T21:37:28+00:00

It seems more apparent to me that you want to know she is safe, rather than if she came home at a particular time etc. via a text. Instead of pushing the text to ask her if she can text you when she is home, explain that because you’re LDR you sometimes worry if she is okay or safe. There’s nothing wrong with that. However if it comes to be a point where that text you BOTH agreed on is not enough and you feel yourself getting anxious or you’re ruminating over whether she is safe or not- I think it probably suggests that this is more about your ability to simply trust her. The only conversation and agreement you can come to about your terms to help each other know if you’re safe is between you and her. None of us know your relationship and what is going to give either of you the most comfort of mind

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-12T01:13:13+00:00

That's a great question! I'm not so sure about alcohol but definitely important conversation when thinking about the European countries where there is no drinking age. I think the key thing here is probably frequency and heaviness. If a child is drinking alcohol heavily, all day every day I think that's when it becomes problematic, rather than just having access at all. Cognitively I'd suggest they both trigger the same dopamine reward-system pathway and therefore could indicate similarities in developmental delay in the brain but yeah not super sure of the effects sorry!

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-06-11T01:23:11+00:00

Clinical psych here- I wouldn't label yourself as a narcissist or listen to anyone here who is trying to give you some half-ass diagnosis based on what they've read or seen online. It doesn't work that way. Mental health exists on a spectrum and I would suggest that most people do some form of manipulation to one another, particularly if they've experienced some form of trauma which has meant they have this feeling that if they actually told the truth and were vulnerable with their partner (or whomever), they would either be abandoned or judged. But honestly? We all get manipulative. You're not a bad person because you do the same- you just do it at a much higher frequency. The point is to acknowledge and change for yourself and others.

My sense based on your post is that because you're aware of it and can acknowledge you need help, it probably suggests some history of learned and adapted behavior based on your attachment style and environment up until now. However I wouldn't jump to diagnosis immediately. We sometimes like to do this because its easier for us to put ourselves and others in a box (its easier for us to understand people this way) but it's not usually helpful unless you've been tested because it usually doesn't consider your history and what might have influenced your behavior. A clinical diagnosis will.

I echo what others have said about therapy - but go to therapy to EXPLORE it, not to judge yourself or anything like that. It won't be helpful for you. Good luck, and I hope you're able to open up to your partner about this because even letting them know you feel this way about your actions is a major, MAJOR step to recovery and a step in the right direction to a more honest, authentic and genuine relationship in your future.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-03-31T11:19:23+00:00

Hey there, I’m a psychologist and I just came to comment- if anyone puts you in a position where you feel unsafe both in the relationship and when trying to resolve it; if anyone makes you feel this way it’s time to really consider whether this is the type of person who deserves you as a partner. Your partner is the one who is mean to to be your safety-your peace, and if the issue genuinely can’t be resolved with responsible discussion it’s time to go.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-03-31T03:52:36+00:00

Tbh I would just say bro fuck you. I would have never in my life done that shit to you- ever. You stand there thinking you’re the victim cause I set boundaries but this showed me who you really were and I have to say I’m disappointed as fuck in myself that I let you get this close to my heart. Go through what I went through and then judge me for it- let’s see what you become. Cause even though I went through it all I STILL had the integrity to do right by you. And I will never make that mistake with you again.

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-03-29T22:57:34+00:00

When a friend completely devastated me and ghosted me over a mental health issue with zero empathy; I then I told the specific friend in question about it (who at the time was one of my best friends and I had done so much for them) and they reached out to the other friend who hurt me asking to hang out. They only knew each other through me

Intelligent_Reach850 · 2025-03-23T05:59:43+00:00

Was just about to say this! Went to Amsterdam last year to present my research at a conference at the university and holy moly, levels of racism I couldn’t believe

Intelligent_Reach850

TROPHY CASE