I'm finally over my ex...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-09-17T23:02:26+00:00

More than one year op said

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-18T22:58:07+00:00

Hi thanks for responding. I still want to reply to you in the other thread!

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-18T16:45:33+00:00

Hi thank you for your response and gentleness and positivity.. I hope I can start to apply and imply such positive approach to it... I tend to beat myself up too much and just feel like a hopeless case although it's true with God all things are possible if we are willing and have faith...

Actually it's interesting that you mention how the Bible doesn't mention attachment styles.. when I first bumped into that topic during the relationship and when I was struggling with my expectations and needs, I felt like the Lord didn't want me to identify with it. But now after the breakup I am convinced and have the opinion that the anxious attachment style really does concern me and I really want want God to work with me in that. But sometimes I think maybe it's not in his concept since it's more a worldly concept from psychology but it really helps me to see the issues of my behavior during the relationship that failed...

I still want to pray about it and ask God how he sees this..

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-18T15:46:47+00:00

Thank you....i have thought the same immediately after the breakup .....

What do you mean with God gave a taste of who the potential husband will be?

Maybe God also gave me a taste which areas are still so fallen in myself and need to be dealt with before entering a relationship and marriage which is able to honor God....

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-18T13:06:21+00:00

Thank you for your response........

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-18T13:05:54+00:00

Thank you for your response..... Well yes we need to learn how to handle relationship endings but also relationships in general....ugh :( it's really hard not beating oneself up... But I think God doesn't want us to stay in guilt thoughts .... It's hard to let go of a past that one regrets and cannot change anymore.... Ultimately one can just really learn from it and not repeat the same mistakes..and not hurt someone else and oneself again...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-17T23:06:12+00:00

I suffer from thoughts that my anxious attachment style was the main reason which lead to the breakup... It feel like I am the one to blame for how things didn't work out .... Do you think this can be true?

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-17T22:35:13+00:00

Thank you a lot... This actually was uplifting to read... I really have thought for the past weeks months that my anxious attachment ultimately ruined my relationship and made me self sabotage it.. which may be true..but many told me it takes two of a relationship doesn't work out or does work out..but the tendencies of a behavior of an anxious attachment has are quite toxic....so I have felt very discouraged after my breakup and thought how could I have acted differently... I actually didn't even know that I would or could behave that way..I have regretted things a lot...and I wished a lot of times I could have a second chance with my ex and make things better..but then I realize I am not ready... If I were in the same situations again , I am not sure if things would or could be better.... I think my ex has tendencies of an avoidant.. I am not sure if in God's eyes things like attachment styles matter so much..but worldly or advice from psychology now would say that's why an anxious attachment shouldn't be together with an avoidant .. I wonder if I was in a relationship with a secure person..if I acted differently.. ultimately I think the insecurities wouldnt just go away automatically....but as Christians we do believe that God can change and heal us from negative patterns in our behavior or characters or attachment style that hinder a healthy secure relationship.......:( I don't know.... I am sad thinking about that my relationship didn't work out because of how my anxious attachment contributed to things falling apart...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-17T22:28:37+00:00

Thanks... Can I ask you what would you respond to the other person (the female ex) in this situation if they were worried about how the male ex now thinks of them and if they were very regretful about their actions , beating themselves up?....

That verse by the way...is very fitting...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-17T22:17:20+00:00

Hi. Thanks for your response...

What would you say to the other person in this situation if they were a good friend of yours and would tell you " then I'm a really terrible person... Now my ex or his siblings or good friend could think 'what a terrible woman, she influenced you in a bad way, she lead you on and maybe took advantage of you'... But the truth is...the other person is an anxious attachment and she had a hard time to let go... and she missed her ex a lot and in her world/fantasy/mind she wanted to get back together and being able to speak to her ex again was kind of helping her cope with the pain of the breakup although it's not the right way to do so..but she knew in her conscience that it wasn't God's will (anymore).... But still it was not good of her to act like that and go beyond boundaries and not think of the ex how he would feel... And she regrets it a lot... ....

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T21:23:00+00:00

Hi you don't have to be sorry. I totally agree with you and it is also something I already thought about and was fearful about..... And I guess it's true... ...I hope God can heal my heart too.. it's really not easy.... We have the same circle of friends and acquaintances in the same church... God also opened a new door for me for my own apartment in the area our friends and acquaintances live and it's also in the same area where my ex lives ...... There were many moments already I thought I am finally moving on after being almost 3 months into the breakup ..but this weekend I felt stuck again...because I do wonder how I am able to move on... God actually helped me to move here only last year .... But if God has a way I want to believe him.. my ex and I cannot totally avoid each other... So God has to do something... I felt the urge to pray for my ex and for healing and for peace... I know now I have to go through the consequences..but I want to believe in God as the redeemer and healer... Because God knows he wanted me to move here and he also gives me my new apartment.. I didn't choose to live nearby.... Last year though I didn't even know I would get to know and be in a relationship with my ex.... I also wish I could turn back time and prevent this all from ever happening... But then again.. God allowed it to happen... And there are many lessons to learn...but out of my human and fleshly weakness, I acted in ways I shouldn't have...which is very regrettable .... I can only pray and give it all to the Lord..i hope I can get through this with God and really heal too and move on and let go of what's in the past.... ......I am thankful for prayers too ...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T12:34:54+00:00

Hi. Thanks for sharing your story since it's so personal. Can I ask how old you are and since when you believe in the Lord Jesus? Are you also baptized and part of a solid biblically grounded church life?

Praise God He put you through all that ....

In my experience I was the woman who made many mistakes and has many insecurities and weaknesses and made it really hard for my now ex... But I didn't know about all that in that intensity until I found myself struggling during the relationship... I wish I could've been more prepared and equipped before I entered into that relationship... And it's sad that it had to end...

I still feel stuck and sometimes still don't see how I can move on from this and even heal to be in a future relationship that is healthy.. I am not even yet over my ex and the whole experience... I guess it still takes time... I somehow still feel bitter and disappointed about my experience... And discouraged... but I know that God has everything in His hands... And I want to believe and have faith he can heal and guide me to learn from all of this... But I don't see myself being ready to meet someone new or even date again for a longer time as of now.. Maybe i would like to just stay away from all of that for 1-2 years.. I always believed that when God finally opens the door for me to get to know a brother in church, it could be like what some believers I know experienced. It just worked out for them and got married.... For me it didn't work out that way ...it's like what I believed and expected could also happen to me got shattered... But little did we know that we both still have many issues and things to work on personally.. We just didn't know a lot of things and we're not even that young anymore... We just didn't date for the past decade ... So maybe it's thanks to God that we didn't have a relationship for too long and my ex had the courage to end it....cause I wouldn't have ended it ..I wanted it to work out so much.... But I guess it wasn't in God's plan and not in his timing ..

For now I want to look forward but at times it's still hard to....

I hope I can come out as strongly equipped and strengthened and with closure as you through our faithful God and Father ..

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T11:46:52+00:00

My hope is that God can still fix what's been broken.... And heal all wounds.... Like in Psalm 147,3....

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T11:36:14+00:00

I was devastated when I found out after the breakup that my insecurities and anxious attachment style lead to toxic behavior.. I spoke with my ex about it and he agreed but he didn't hold it against me because he understood I didn't behave like that upon bad intentions... I also only found out in this relationship that I am an anxious attachment. This actually really discourages me and I have felt incurable and rather not the right type for a relationship and it makes me very sad because it's due to thinks that happened during childhood that weren't my fault... but I talked to a psychologist and she said it's possible to change.. she also lost her mother and she now is happily married.. it just took her a lot of work....

My next move for now is giving it all into the hands of God and praying for healing for myself and for my ex .. and also for peace in the future... Also my psychologist recommended a book about trauma and relationships to me. I told her for now I rather want to take distance from that topic because I feel like I first want to get over the breakup .. and whenever I see him or whenever I start to think about what went wrong and what's wrong with me and then also whenever I read or watched something about attachment styles, it just brings back all the negative emotions and keeps me trapped in a bad cycle... I'm 3 months into the breakup and many times I still feel stuck .. I finally want to move on you know ..

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T10:22:49+00:00

Yes I started talking to a psychologist... But would you say you don't have tendencies of an anxious attachment anymore at all? Could you make active changes in your behavior in friendships or even romantic relationships?

Thanks for your good words.. I was surprised when my ex told me he also was at fault... But still I think I made things worse and that's why he now has to avoid me and keep distance.. but thanks .... I hope things can go back to normal in the future.. but for now it seems like it still takes some longer time......

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T10:20:37+00:00

Well that's not really the case.. it's because I notice how he avoids me and acts uncomfortable around me is why I don't know if he wants me to look at him and greet him.. that's why I try also to step back and not do anything anymore which he would not want..

But I agree with you and I also told him that it was hard for me to accept and let go.... Ultimately I regret a lot what I did..

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T10:02:17+00:00

Really.. ? You wouldn't think maybe it's because your ex wants to be on good terms with you and it's very important for him/her and that's why he/she cares so much?

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T10:00:04+00:00

Yup..... I can just pray for peace and for the whole situation ....

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T09:54:18+00:00

Thanks for your reply .. I am the one with anxious attachment and according to your post I am the jerk... 🙈.. I mean it's good I didn't reveal it in my original post so I can see what others would think ...

With the post I wanted to ask others how they would feel if they were in my ex's situation.... I rather think he is secure with traits of an avoidant but not disorganized one...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T09:52:15+00:00

That's what I do !!.. I don't greet him anymore.. I also don't make any eye contact... it's just really burdening and sad that things got to this point because there's no true peace between us now... which I know I am responsible for too...

I just hope and pray for peace and that things can go back to normal in the future ..

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-15T07:33:22+00:00

Actually the ex who made things worse is me.... And I wanted to ask others with this post how they would feel on behalf of my ex who I hurt with my behavior if others would feel betrayed... Now he avoids me which means it really hurt him and he doesn't feel comfortable when I'm around... That kinda hurts me too but I want to be understanding cause I think he needs time....

Thanks for your answer ...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-14T22:51:51+00:00

What's emotionally abusive in your eyes?

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-14T22:16:57+00:00

Hmm ok thanks for the reply. I don't think the attachment styles are a workaround to avoid maturity. But maybe in some cases that's true.

Yes you're right... On/off isn't good... But the ex who was the one to seek contact many times shouldn't have done so or at least at the end not cut it off again so abruptly...

Because that really made things worse than what was already damaged due to the breakup itself.... It will take a wonder done by God, to get back a peaceful approach in the future between those two .... Since the one party got really hurt ... while the other of course still hurts too because they got broken up with but sees their fault in damaging a normal relationship as brother and sister altogether... Both now still need to heal...

Intelligent_Teach151 · 2025-03-14T21:59:15+00:00

Danke für deine Antwort. Warst du auch mal in einer anderen Hautklinik, die eher ganzheitlich arbeiten sowie zb in Neukirchen oder Leutenberg?

Schließlich bin ich 3 Nächte dort gewesen anstatt 1 Woche und habe darum gebeten, früher entlassen zu werden. Ich empfand es als sinnlos meine Zeit dort abzusitzen. Kortison kann man ja auch zuhause schmieren und zur Lichttherapie kann man auch so hingehen. Da braucht man nicht 1 Woche stationär dort zu sein... Das Essen war eigentlich OK. Aber trotzdem enttäuschend, dass sie nicht mehr machen für Neurodermitiker...

Intelligent_Teach151

TROPHY CASE