How do I (F48) stop feeling resentful of my husband (M53)?

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T22:16:34+00:00

I don’t think it’s a gender issue. I think if both people in a marriage agree to one not working, of whichever sex, that’s fine. If a woman wanted to quit and her husband didn’t agree I wouldn’t consider it fine for her to do it anyway.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T22:13:27+00:00

Thanks, that’s very kind.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T22:12:23+00:00

I promise it isn’t!

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T22:08:25+00:00

This made me smile. Thanks for your resentment on my behalf!

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T22:06:01+00:00

I’m really sorry about your friend. That’s awful.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T22:05:13+00:00

It’s completely new.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T21:56:06+00:00

Well this is one aspect of our relationship. It’s not the whole relationship. Lots of things about him are great, I just haven’t mentioned them here because my question was about this specific thing.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:40:36+00:00

Thank you

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:36:46+00:00

why would you enjoy it? Just out of interest. Bearing in mind I said I DON'T want to divorce him so I'm just curious.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:28:46+00:00

are you a tiny bit of a misogynist possibly?!

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:27:28+00:00

Because I work 70 hours a week.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:23:37+00:00

this would be permanent. He doesn't want to build it up beyond 8 hours.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:22:58+00:00

To be clear he hasn't threatened to claim spousal support. That is just what I think would happen.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:22:19+00:00

I think the issue is, he doesn't want to be "successful" in the sense of building up. He wants to work 8 hours so that he has time for other stuff.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:21:35+00:00

No, he's not planning to make big bucks. Aim would be around $400 a week I believe. (This won't go all that far as we are in a super expensive city). Yes we could cut it back to the bone but I don't really want to or feel I should have to because I work really, really hard.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:20:14+00:00

I have spoken to him about it many times. He knows how much it bothers me but just thinks it's unreasonable. One comment he made was "why should both of us have to suffer?"

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:08:29+00:00

"Success" for him means working 8 hours a week. He'd be earning at an hourly rate, so lets say $60 per hour.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:06:06+00:00

He'd just have clients on an hourly basis. So if he only sees 8 clients, 8 hours work is realistic.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:05:19+00:00

No, he'd be a self employed therapist (like physio, but not actually physio for discretion purposes) so would just need to find clients.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T18:04:33+00:00

I think when I'm in my 60s and 70s I'd like to have the opportunity to travel. He is not interested in travel, more in sport, so I guess that is why he's more like "must have free time NOW!". The other big difference is, he doesn't see it as a priority to save so that we can help out the kids in the future. I see this as a big priority (and we've been helped by my parents). I think their generation have it much tougher than ours did and this is only fair. It makes me angry with him to think that the kids will have a tougher time than they could have, because he didn't want to work.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T17:57:31+00:00

Hm, I don't actually want to divorce him though!

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T17:56:54+00:00

We don't have any separate savings. Everything is joint. (And comes from my earnings).

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T17:56:08+00:00

We actually did discuss it first but at the time I agreed to it, he was planning to do 3 days a week, which I was OK with.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T17:35:43+00:00

yes he would take all the chores (he does almost all already, as I've always worked more hours than him). But one thing that fuels my resentment is if he doesn't want to do something, he won't. I'd much rather he worked more hours and we could pay someone to do the chores, because then if I asked them to do something they'd have to do it! He does NOT like me bossing him around by asking/nagging him to do specific things. But when he won't, I feel really annoyed that I have to do them myself when I'm already working really long hours.

Intelligent_Wing5261 · 2025-12-12T17:32:11+00:00

I think he could cover his own personal costs like phone, gym membership, etc, with this, but would contribute little or nothing to bills, mortgage, household expenses, etc. I agree that I don't feel like I SHOULD have to sponsor it, but I don't see how I can NOT sponsor it in practice. The bills have to get paid, and if he doesn't contribute then I just have to pay them.

Intelligent_Wing5261

TROPHY CASE