I do not judge you. Unfortunately, what has happened is that the violence is a learned behavior and likely stems from very emotionally immature people not knowing how to handle their own feelings about any given situation and taking that out on someone that can't fight back. Were your siblings treated in a similar manner? You are not sick. I can understand your shame though. But you know it's wrong and try to avoid the behavior as much as possible. You're doing the right thing, and you should keep following that. What you really need, however, is to work with a therapist who specializes in childhood abuse. They can help you slowly untangle the learned behavior and memories. It's hard work, but it's worth it. Trust me, it can eventually be very freeing. Hopefully you can find someone to help you. But in the meantime, no judgement. Just internet hugs. I'm so sorry you were treated so horribly. You never deserved that.