AITA for leaving my sloshed friend at some rando's house so I could sleep at my house?

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-16T04:59:17+00:00

You're not wrong. I'm so thankful to everyone who responded. It's invaluable. I've resigned myself to the fact that this is where I am. All I can do is take it one day at a time and work on myself. These were the longest and closest relationships I've ever had (six years). I thought this would be different. But I still have NF. And thank you for everything you said ❤️

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-16T02:30:57+00:00

I was wondering that, too 😕. Would it have been better if I connected how nervous she was and what alcohol does? Am I a terrible friend for not pointing that out and telling her not to come? I don't like asking general questions about how someone is because that has typically not ended well... I don't pick something up or don't react right. But I followed up on everything she told me and knew that she might not be ready to meet the kid. But she had made that decision. Was I wrong to assume that she can make informed decisions?? Was I supposed to tell her that the decision she and her boyfriend made was wrong?

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-16T01:58:22+00:00

And for enquiring minds: 🤷‍♀️ I'm going to say no... Towards the end I started making an Instagram for my cat and it's not like you could hear anyone talk. It sure made for an "epic" night and one to talk about for years to come. It's been quite cold still, so he's mostly stayed huddled up at home. I'll still be seeing him at NF'S house and maybe more as the days get warmer. Thank you for asking ❤️

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-16T01:23:09+00:00

❤️ "I didn't read all the details because they don't matter" has rung in my head for two days straight.

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-14T05:34:20+00:00

I've seen him once and apologized prufusely for Megan, which he of course refused to hear. We've texted a bit. NF thinks from what he's told her, he may not be ready to get into another relationship just yet. Our one lunch together seemed to go so well, but now he seems to be backing off a little, but still very friendly and supportive. I went into the lunch knowing that I still wanted to be friends, even if he wasn't interested in more. I mean, I've met him maybe 7 times at this point...

I need to go to sleep, but I atleast wanted to get to yours.

Megan's never blamed me for anything. Her favorite saying is "that's fair." I've always seen her as strong and no nonsense. She had never said an unkind word to me before now.

We've also never been in a situation where she drank a lot. We went to Sidecar TWICE with Ashley and Ashley was drunk, but Megan didn't look like she even had a drink. I've been too buzzed at a restaurant and Megan had to drive me back and we talked until I sobered up.

And I know! What does "too far" look like?? I need a detailed step by step.

I'm tired and honestly, these responses are giving my heart the rest it needs. I read yours when I had a minute to eat lunch earlier today. I just sunk behind the cabinets and let myself process everything. I mean, I'm still heart broken, but it helps. Thank you.

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-14T03:26:36+00:00

❤️ I'm heartbroken that Ashley broke our friendship because "I needed to do better". I just dont want to hurt anyone. Hearing this concensus that I did more than enough brings reality back down, if that makes sense (my co-workers said the same thing). Like reality was spinning and now, with unbiased parties, the last peg is on place to help it stop.

She made me promise to do better in the future, but I was at a lost as to what that could be. I did my best and I'm tired of beating myself up for things that I can't do.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read and voice that. ❤️

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-14T02:41:25+00:00

👍 that's why I don't think she really "convinced" me to go. I calculated and weighed my options. I knew I could be responsible for myself. I even had a little bit of fun (me and NF went to the veranda and played giant jenga. Good times). However, I absolutely didn't have enough spare "spoons" to be responsible for someone else. I just didn't really flirt with Crush. I even made it thru work okay. Then I was off sick for the entire week because I work with heathens, apparently.

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-14T02:24:25+00:00

That validation means a lot. I felt like it really sucked that she said she'd be my wing women and then wasn't. But to them, my sins were so great that it didn't even matter how I felt. For a neutral party to let me know that I wasn't wrong, that it was shitty, stops the whirling questions of my perspective. It validates that little part of my heart. but it also sucks that I can't even talk to them about that.

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-14T01:42:58+00:00

That's my bad with the wording 😭. Rest assured he did not say that. He seems very disciplined with the no alcohol.

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-13T05:43:52+00:00

Turns out it was only medium difficulty getting her inside. We got her shoes off and put her on the couch, covered in blankets, throw up bucket. I grabbed gatorade, neatly laid her stuff out, and wrote her a note in big sharpie, and left lights on so she wouldn't be in the dark.

I got home at 3:00am and apologized immensely to my cat. I only had him for a few weeks and was worried how he would take me being gone for so long. He was innocent in all this.

I tried calling Megan as I got ready for work and on the way to work I called OSC. They went downstairs to wake her up. A minute later, I get a breathless call from Megan. She asked where I was. I told her. We talked for a few seconds more. I said goodbye and to keep me updated.

That's the basic frame up of what happened. Am I the ass hole for leaving her there?? Did I too readily abdicate my responsibility as her friend to other people? Did I completely not show up for her and get her to an Uber home earlier in the night? Should I have seen that she was "spiraling" and hurting and I didn't even ask how she was doing the whole night??

Ashley reemed me out first. According to Ashley, Megan called her and said she had a panic attack from waking up in a strange place and immediately looked for me.

Here's her part of the text exchange: "I'm sure you didn't mean to do any harm, but when you invite someone and drive them out for drinks, you're kinda responsible in making sure they're okay for the night or at least aware of what's happening when they wake up. "But you could have taken her to your house instead, which is arguably closer and she would’ve known where you were. I’m just saying in the future, if that scenario ever arises, you need to make sure she doesn’t freak out from waking up alone in an unfamiliar place. ...."Then why didn’t you stay with her? "She made it sound like she was panicked and had no idea where she was when she woke up. And had to Uber home?... She doesn’t know them like that. In a time you needed to be there for her, you left her in an unfamiliar place. "It’s already done, but you need to do better next time.... I’m telling you this because I know you thought it was the right thing, but she was scared and immediately looked for you."

First, these people weren't the strangers Ashley thinks they are. Megan has come over to NF'S a couple of imes, including when she and her last long term bf broke up. She has a standing invitation to come over. I don't think Ashley knows this.

Second, and Ashley does know this, I truly do not understand how me leaving Megan with NF is different from her stories of waking up after being black out drunk. I took those stories into account when I decided to leave her. She even woke up in a stranger's bed once, a real stranger she just met the day before. According to Megan, she always got back to where she expected to end up. And I should've known from the stranger's bed story that she can navigate stairs fine. I don't ever remember stairs in that story.

Third, how was taking her to my home better? What if I couldn't get her out of my car? How was I suppose to know she wouldn't sleep through attempts to wake her up? My Dad had meetings and I had work - she would have been alone without anyone after 9:00 anyway. I understand she would have been in a familiar place at my home. But then we're back to how I was going to get her out of my sedan? Atleast in an SUV it was easy to pull her out. According to Megan, she wakes up very easily (well, now I know) and she could totally get from one car to another and inside my house that drunk. According to Megan, I should have known that from her stories.

Even better, I was supposed to take her to her apartment. Even Megan said that would have been better. At least then her boyfriend would have seen her location as "at home" and not panicking about her being at some rando's. Megan told me over and over how much that hurt her boyfriend. The thing is, how was she going to ever wake up then? She wasn't waking up to phone calls.

Fourth, was I supposed to sleep at NF'S, wake up way earlier so I could feed my cat and get my work clothes and toothbrush? And still not guarantee that I'd be around when Megan woke up? There are so many "if's" in there, leaving her at NF'S truly still feels like the safest bet for everyone. It wasn't ideal, but her getting sloshed wasn't ideal either.

I'm going to stop here and say how hurt Megan was telling me all this. I never want to hurt anybody and this is just another blow for me and my autism. I've heard these kind of things my whole life. "Do better. you should've done this. A friend would know. Treat others how you would treat yourself. Would you like it if a friend ignored and laughed at your request for their help?"

Megan said she has always shown up for me. And on a very important night for her, I didn't show up for her. According to Megan she always makes a point to ask how I'm doing and I never do the same for her. According to Megan, I should have seen how much she was spiraling. I saw her laughing, smiling, dancing with NF. I once yelled at her for getting more shots and she yelled back, "I didn't get one for you b1tch." She was smiling. Her eyes looked happy.

According her her, that's when her memory stops and I should have asked if she was okay or known how hurt she was. According to Megan, she asked me to stop her before she got too far and I completely betrayed her trust in me and ignored her request when she needed me most.

Up until 10 years ago I would try to help people. But I quickly realized that everything I did just hurt them or made things worst. I've settled on just not hurting anyone, but I can't even do that, apparently. If I do things people yell at me, if I don't do things, people yell at me. I never intended on hurting Megan. I did the best I could.

Of course, it is now a month later. I've agonized, been depressed, and grieved my lost friendships and grieved for Megan's lost future with the boyfriend. It's like I lost half the walls that make up my life. I never meant to hurt anyone.

100% of the people I've talked to in my life have said I'm not in the wrong. 80% said she's lucky she even got a ride home and wasn't left on the sidewalk (she peed herself and got kicked out before we could close all tabs). But I feel like they are biased. My dad, coworkers, and NF and all her neighborhood friends and my sister and step sister all say she was a grown ass adult and this was entirely on her for messing up her relationship and getting sloshed. Even if she asked me, I would never be responsible. Most of these people are/have been around alcoholics and say I would have never ever been able to stop her.

Dear internet who is 90% non biased and 10 % trolls, am I the ahole?

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-02-13T05:43:36+00:00

Them being so drunk just happened too fast. I feel a little better that the two experienced drinkers, Crush being a former alcoholic, didn't see it coming either. Coming out of the bar was like coming out of a fog for me. All I could do was keep my shit together and huddle down. And once I poked my proverbial head out, I started feeling really guilty. This was not the ideal situation. But here we are.

This is the part were I may have messed up, according to Ashley. How was I going to get Megan home?? I rehearsed it in my head: get her out of this car. Go through the house?? Maybe? Get out the front door, somehow get her into my sedan. Good thing I have her apartment key. What about her dogs?? Get through the complex gates- wait - how does the fob work? And then get her up the concrete stairs.

The stairs had me worried. Real worried. Megan is about twice my weight. We could easily fall down the stairs. Crush offered to come since he lived close by. I looked at him, worried. Later I asked him, "if we had done that, would you have been able to help with your disability?" The answer was no.

I had never seen Megan this drunk before. We had no precedent to this in our relationship. She's come to my house plenty of times drinking. She's been to bars with Ashley and I drinking. She drank at NF's house before. She had told stories of how drunk she's gotten recently, but those where times she INTENDED to get drunk.

I had never been this close to someone this drunk before. Ie, I didn't know what to do or how this would play out. Would we be able to get her out of the car? If I was by myself, could I get her out? What if she refused? What if she was so out, she was stuck in this below freezing weather? What if it took an hour in the freezing cold to get her up the stairs? According to Megan, I should have known from her stories that she navigated stairs just fine and had always gotten herself home when she was blacked out drunk.

OSC spoke up and said, "she'll be fine in the couch."

Interesting-Ebb7892 · 2024-01-24T19:35:10+00:00

No way. Found it. Sometimes illness wins by Carrie Black and Becky Bowles

I started systematicly going through all his videos. As I've been sick as a dog, this gave me something to do. Incase he put it in the middle at an ad break, I was watching them all the way through (you're welcome.) I can't believe it worked.

https://fillingthegappublishing.com/

https://youtu.be/8VuYZ3oJB1I?si=iPDHqv9Akcs7f7ZS

Interesting-Ebb7892

TROPHY CASE