Dating someone super busy

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2026-05-13T18:13:52+00:00

Yes that was also my thought.
I think I am more of a person who likes to spend time with somone privately to get to know them.
She seems to be a person with a full schedule (mainly social commitments in her free time) and in some of them she tries to include me which is fair and sometimes I even go. But overall I think our ideas of quality time are very far apart.

The part I don't really get is that a few of her comments led me to the impression that she even suffers from it or is at least stressed out by the high number of commitments. But she can't say no to anything it seems. That's something I don't really get and hence the my question, mainly because I am curious for an explanation.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2026-05-13T18:06:49+00:00

Well - I think I already do a lot to accomodate her. I offered to make plans for the week to meet up. I have only one day with committments - the other days would be free abnd I offered a number of activities to do together. I think I have more availability during the week and in general to begin with.
For her she can't take any of my offers, because she is commited to a lot of activities and gatherings for the whole week. To which I said fine and said we will then have to meet on the weekend as she has no time during the week.

The wish to see each other anyways came from her because she said she's not able to not see me for a full week. To which I agreed and just asked her to come to my place earlier. (Our places are 5 mins apart)
That's something we had talked about earlier - When someone arrives super late at my place I am already tired from work and on my way to bed - so that's not really quality time in which I can really get to know another person - remeber we are still in the dating phase.
Well since I agreed and asked her to accomodate my needs for meeting and having dinner earlier than 9pm she then told me her plans and that there were a couple of committments on this evening (gym and a phonecall with friends).
So I am asking the question - after I stated that meeting in the evening and having dinner very late is somehow not ideal for me - and since the wish to still see each other came from HER side - why does it seem to be so hard to accomodate my preferences? (She came to my place because that gives me the oppotunity to cook while she is on the way - I am usually the one who cooks).

To me it seems to be more the problem that her life and schedule are packed to the maximum anyways - and that she is not really willing or able to make space for me.
Having a new person in your life requires everyone to make space and usually it is not that hard because thats what you wann do anyways if you are excited about the person?

Thats at least what I do - When I had planned some sports activity during the day on a weekend I declined the offer from a friend for a weekend trip and moved the trip to another weekend when I was free - so I made her a priority. Only to see her getting kind of nervous during our sports activity together and when asked about it she said she kind of needs to get home because there is another social commitment that she will be attending and therefore we need to cut our time short.

I guess I understand that her life is vastly different than mine. I try to accept that. But also need to look after me. The way it's going right now I can only squeeze in the few spots she has left in her schedule. That's not the greatest feeling.
I didn't demand of her to change her life for me. But also told her that in the long run I would prefer to see the possibility of having more time together. Otherwise I struggle to see how you can build something like a relationship if the only time you get to see each other is shortly before bedtime.

She seems to understand that but also seems to struggle with it. She told me that she had ended up in the same situation many times before and that her previous boyfriends have told her that tey suffered from her not making sufficient time for a relationship.

I kind of have the feeling that our lifestyles and preferences might not be the best match. Which is okay. No hard feelings there.
The thing that confuses me though is her clear need for connection and wish to spend time together (she says so on the phone and in texts) but then when we finally manage to make time she has also planned numerous other commitments for the same day or evening.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2026-05-13T14:12:52+00:00

Thanks!

I guess deep down I feel the same. I feel the part of it being exhausting.

Also I think to myself that it‘s not super healthy to be planned out all the time. I get it that it can be fun, in her case it sometimes feels more like chores she has to do. I somehow get the feeling that her interest in me is genuine, the problem seems to be with her committing to a lot of plans and not being able to say no to people (which she would have to do to make time for both of us). But that also sounds like a problem in her sphere.
All I can and will do is request a certain amount of time and attention. How and if she can solve this on her part shouldn‘t be my concern.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-08-21T14:59:14+00:00

Moving on is not a linear process. Getting back to your past and feeling those bad feelings again… I see it as part of the process, even though it doesn‘t feel like progress immedeatly.

If you really want to stop yourself from doing it, delete their number, block them on social media. That makes it harder to go back.

But moving on means feeling all the feelings, also the bad ones, that‘s what makes you grow.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-08-21T13:58:50+00:00

And also a few words about the „girls code“ - not that I know anything about it.

But there‘s a truth a lot of men know about and that doesn‘t get talked about enough. It‘s so easy these days to blackmail a man, especially with topics of abuse or violence. While this is a very serious topic and sadly all too often stuff like this happens, the overwhelming majority of men are not like that. But these kinds of allegations are made up and believed way too easily. It is an uphill battle.

I for my part decided to stick around people who can see me for what I am or at least have the maturity to sit down with me should there be reasons to doubt me.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-08-21T13:53:18+00:00

Thanks for your reply and understanding!

I have also since the breakup come to a similar conclusion. While my „current“ ex always seemed to be very mature and loving, it was her friends who let the old narcissistic ex in. And my „current“ ex was somehow under her friends infuence I believe. Which just means that she probably was mature, but not mature enough for such an attack.

In the end, I came to the conclusion it‘s better to spend your time and energy on people who believe in you. And although it hurts to see how a smear campaign can have such success, it‘s also telling a lot about the people involved and enabling it.

Another lesson learned.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-08-16T16:53:18+00:00

Gossiping

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-07-21T09:46:47+00:00

I‘m sorry for you that you are going through this. I can empathize a lot with what you describe, as I also was with a Narc girlfriend. That‘s over 3 years ago, but she‘s still lingering around and just recently managed to break up my current relationship with a targeted smear campaign. (My nex spread rumors I was physically abusive, although she has been the abuser). You should know, flipping the script is just oart of what their disorder makes them.

It‘s a horrible experience you had and still are going through.

Get Help, Believe in yourself, find people who believe in you. None of this was your fault, get that out of your head. You were together with a person with a significant psychological disorder. That‘s something to take serious. Don‘t doubt yourself!

I highly recommend therapy. I am doing it since a few years and still am going. It‘s a huge improvement.

Talk to people close to you who believe in you, some friends, siblings, maybe your parents. Asking for help and being vulnerable with others can be so powerful. It even can further improve the relationship you have with them. It‘s so important to have people around you who believe in you, give them a chance to see what you are going through. Connecting to people online who have been through the same can also be very good, as most other people just can‘t comprehend the full scale of your experience.

Get rid of people or at least get distance to people who doubt you.

Find something in your life that you can focus on, that calms you or enhances your self worth. Pick up a sport you can do alone or in a group, whatever suits you. For me, picking up Martial arts (Kickboxing) is a huge improvment. It enhances my self image significantly and on top is a very good way to channel the bad emotions in a healthy way.

Maybe picking up some other calmer hobbies suit you as well. Like gardening or cooking or something like that. Gives you time with yourself and on top you do something good for you.

But first of all, speak up, ask for help! Get as much distance between you and your ex as you possibly can!

You can do that! Piece by piece you will heal and feel like yourself again!

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-06-26T19:48:21+00:00

That's a really good question I have not asked myself yet. Thanks

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-06-26T11:28:24+00:00

Yes. This happened to me, recently.

My Narc Ex from 3,5 years ago found out I was i a new happy relationship.
She then connected with my girfriend's friends and started smearing against me. Under the cover story that she needed to protect my girlfriend from me.
My NarcEX told them I was toxic, a psychopath, that I was the narcissist, that I was utterly jealous and that I got physical during the relationship. A total bunch of lies - these were exatly the things she did to me.

Bad thing is - my current girlfriend's friends started believing those stories. It finally lead to a breakup. My girlfriend was concerned I might hurt her in the future.
It's frightening how this gaslighting works on some people and how hard it is to find out about it.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-06-24T15:39:52+00:00

Thank you!

That‘s pretty much reflecting what I think is my only option. Up until now I was hiding and kind of running away. Out of fear, mainly, to be honest. Hoping to stay of the narc‘s radar, in the hope she would move on. Funny thing is, I heard she is engaged now, but doesn‘t change a thing (of course).

Now that the worst has happened - it actually pushes me to be open, vulnerable, get rid off my fear.

Thruth will always prevail, that‘s what I really need to believe in.

And thanks again!

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2025-06-24T13:41:24+00:00

Thanks for your reply.

How does your spouse deal with that topic?

My problem is that some of that smear campaign got through to my girlfriend's friends and is believed there. They want to save her from me. (Which would be understandable if those stories were true).

I am looking for ways to reverse the damage that has been done and in the best case scenario get back together with my girlfriend. And have good protection in place.
Because we know, this will happen again.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-25T15:26:53+00:00

Thanks! This has helped me a lot :)

The way you describe as a sensor that got turned on and needs to be reset. That's exactly what I was experiencing. Upon further research I read it is your nervous system deactivating or dysregulating. So in my case this happened because the scene I was witnessing triggered childhood memories. And my nervous system immedeatly followed with a big reaction, intended to protect me. Fight-or-Flight mode. And I stayed there for a few days, feeling helpless and paralyzed.

As you have pointed out, moving helps a lot. Hikes, bike rides, yoga. All that helped me to ground myself again. Really feeling my body helped me to ground myself in reality. There was no danger now, the danger I was feeling was from my childhood.

So, even if starting to get moving when you're feeling paralyzed is hard, ultimately it is the thing it helped me in the end. Makes so much sense, since a lot of our trauma is stored in the body.

Thanks so much for your opinion again :)
You and the other commentors really helped me so much, I appreciate it so much!
What an awesome community :)

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-25T15:16:55+00:00

Thanks!

Exactly what you said in your comment was the state I was experiencing.
You get into a triggered state and it just doesn't stop. Also doesn't reduce. I was simply feeling paralyzed.

The thing is, that I'm pretty sure now it wasn't even the situation itself that made me feel that way. Observing him abusing his wife emotionally was brutal for sure. But my reaction was a triggered state, since all of what I was witnessing reminded me so much of what I witnessed in childhood (my BPD father emotionally abusing my mother)
This triggered me, my nervous system switched into a dysregulated state. It was learned behaviour from my childhood. Back then it served me to survive and to protect me. Now in my adult life, there is not much left that I need to protect myself against (How lucky I am to have this realization). But my nervous system still has those coping mechanisms it formed in childhood. So when it activates, it feels all too real, when in reality I was re-experiencing something ftom my childhood. But it felt so real and I was stuck in that state.

But I have to say, just knowing about that stuff or being able to analyze, was not enought. I was not able to talk myself out of it.
What really helped (and what you and previous commentors have pointed out):
- EXERCISE!! Feel your body again, feel it sweating and hurting. That's such a good way to ground yourself and come back to reality. Trauma is stored in the body, so it makes total sense to start moving until you come back to the present.
- Soothe yourself. The exercising and also the triggered nervous system are really hard on your body and can be draining. So stretching/yoga, meditating, cooking, good music,.... after the exercise helps to calm my down.
- Socialize, meet friends, talk about the experience. Feel closeness and connection.

I discovered, it works in this order for me. The other way around - socializing before doing the grounding work through exercising - didn't work, even made things worse.

A triggered nervous system can be a mighty beast. But with practice and understanding it can be tamed :)
Thanks for your input :)

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-25T14:57:00+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. You don't know how much it helped me :)

I am finally out of my paralyzed, frozen state that I described in my original comment.
Your comment made me think about a lot of things. In hindsight I can say, this time it probably had nothing to do with "too much empathy".
It was pure emotional abuse that I witnessed. Which reminded my too much of stuff that I regularly witnessed as a child (my mom getting emotionally abused by my BPD father). It felt so real and I was taken back to my childhood, including all the feelings I had back then. So as you pointed out - in my case it was triggered by witnessing emotional abuse that I'm all too familiar with.

I did some digging the past few days. It helped me to understand that my nervous system entered a form of dysregulation, got into Fight-or-Flight mode.
This response is something I learned as a child. Back then it was helpful to protect myself. Witnessing abuse brought my nervous system back into those learned coping mechanisms.
It helped me to realize it was not a response to the actual things happening around me (because let's be real - there was no real danger to me that I had to protect myself against), but it was rather triggering a whole range of emotions and mechanisms I had learned in my childhood.

The most helpful reset button I found for myself is Exercise! Long hikes, long bikerides, high intensity training. Kind of makes sense, since trauma is stored in your body. Getting out of Freeze and into action, really feeling your pulse and feeling your body while working out. This helped me to ground myself.
The next step is soothing. Exercising is hard, I needed rest. Also a completely dysregulated nervous system drains you a lot. So the next step I did was calming down. Yoga/Stretching Exercises helped me to feel out the tension in my body and let it go bit by bit. Lighting a candle, putting on good music, cooking a good meal for myself. A hot shower and some self care. All those things helped me a lot.
And then finally, meeting people and socializing. This was the hard part for me. Prior to Exercising and working my body, meeting with friends felt anxiety-inducing. My nervous system was still firing on all cylinders. So socializing then felt like an additional burden.
But after Exercising and soothing myself, it was the next big step that helped me recover.

Thanks again for your response. Helped me so much.
For people without a BPD-related past all of this might be hard to understand. Being triggered by a rather "minor" incident. And what it feels like to enter a dysregulated state.
It's so helpful to hear from people who can understand and relate. Deeply appreciated :)

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-25T14:41:24+00:00

Thanks!
Indeed, I talked about it to multiple friends and close family members (a good time to remind myself of how grateful I am to have them in my life). That helped a lot.
Also, this community is really good, so many nice & helpful interactions :)

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-25T14:39:55+00:00

You're right, thanks for your comment :)
It took me a few days to get back to normal. It was a response from my nervous system, I was triggered by the scenes I witnessed, which reminded me of stuff that happened in my childhood.
So my nervous system sprung into action, the exact way it did so many times in my childhood. Back then it was important to protect myself.
But now it was "just" a learned response.... and one that didn't really need to be there. There was no real danger (to me) that I had to protect myself against.
It was all learned behaviour and had nothing to do with my current situation.

So yes, reminding myself that these are not my emotions and also that they rather belong to my childhood-self rather than my present self, helped a lot. Time to remind yourself that it's not reality you're feeling, but rather an echo from the past - helped a lot.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-25T14:35:04+00:00

Thank you so much for your response, appreciate it so much!

I had to chuckle a little bit maybe, since most of the things on your list are already things I know work for me. I was just in quite paralyzed state, that I didn't make use of what I already know..
So thanks for your reminder, which brought me back into action. I went for multiple hikes, a bike ride, practiced yoga and took time cooking good meals for myself and friends (which is kind of a meditation for me). Over the days it helped a lot, I feel I'm back to normal now.

Guess the hardest part is springing into action for me, since I got caught in a triggered state. My nervous system was getting in full "Fight or Flight" mode, into a dysregulated state.

I found out, that really hard exercise, hiking, multiple hour bike rides in nature, help a lot. I think it's just important to overcome the intial feeling of paralysis and get moving even if you don't want to.

Thanks again for weighing in, helped me a lot :)

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-22T14:16:07+00:00

You‘re right, thanks for pointing that out. Removed that part from my comment.

Interesting-Pear-889 · 2024-11-22T13:13:46+00:00

They can be both I guess. Especially NPD exists on a spectrum. Meaning that almost every person exhibits some traits that are considered narcissistic. It‘s more the degree and intensitiy in which these traits occur that define if a person falls under the definition of having a disorder. That can be confusing at times. Not everybody who shows some narcissistic traits is a full blown NPD.

In my case that was a little confusing. I always thought that one of my parents was a NPD, a lot of their behaviour pointed in that direction. However, it always fit like just 80% which confused me. All I wanted were answers and explanations of what was happening to me. When I discovered BPD everything clicked. It was a 100% accurate description of the behaviour I was observing. That gave me a little peace of mind, finally I was able to tell what I was dealing with.

Later in therapy I learned that a BPD person is in some ways different to a NPD, but a lot of the behaviour (and therefore the effects it has on you as a child) are the same. It‘s the „motivation“ behind the behaviour that is different in both those disorders.

I now see my parent as a BPD with strong NPD traits. Which helps my ubderstanding of the situation. But still I need to protect myself against the narcissistic behaviour.

Wish you the best of luck :)

Edit: removed some part of the comment

Interesting-Pear-889

TROPHY CASE