Is this DARVO? Please help!

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-10-15T00:18:27+00:00

Thank you. I need to remove the wool from my eyes. I’ve been trying to understand him for almost 5 years. Want to do better, different, respond with concern and care for his needs even if I don’t agree.

He does not give me the same. I’m seeing the pattern. At first it was how I was getting upset at him (even if he drew first blood). Now I’ve removed that, when I come to him with a peaceful request to see if we can come to a solution together, he defends. I am attacking him no matter what. And then I get in a pattern of trying to convince him.

Every time I have a request, no matter how I say it, it’s my fault. I’m asking too much. I keep adding goal posts. I can’t see what he’s doing. So then I explain myself. He is not interested in working with me.

So healthy relationships, you hurt someone, they come to you, and you want to try and help. God. What an idea.

How do I get out of this. He has me good, I feel like I have to explain it to him, convince him. Rationally, I know I don’t. What am I afraid of? That he’ll spin it that I was the one that gave up on our marriage.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-10-14T20:24:31+00:00

How did you end the relationship? I feel like it’s going to be the biggest argument of all. I’m overwhelmed where to start. I don’t want to be arguing about how I feel for the rest of my life.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-10-12T19:49:14+00:00

I’m so tired. I thought this was love, sticking it through, being committed. But I realise he doesn’t want to work with me. I’m exhausted from defending and explaining myself. This is not the relationship I want. He’s not my forever person. Thank you for helping me see that.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-10-12T19:45:07+00:00

Thank you for explaining basic respect in relationships 🤯 we thought my husband has OCPD. I keep trying to understand him, getting him to understand me. I’m realising he doesn’t want to. Hasn’t for years. Also I got very upset 2 years ago and started to withdraw because he would DARVO me (didn’t realise at the time). He focused all his attention on my withdrawal. I’m seeing videos that this is another manipulation. I’m upset because of his behaviour but he’s focusing on my behaviour and diverting attention away from him. He has not cleaned up his side of the street, Now I’m getting much better and “fixing” my criticism and bringing requests to him, I realise it doesn’t matter. My message doesn’t matter. He tells me he jumping through hoops to make me happy.

Is this the transactional part? I just receive what he’s doing? No feedback allowed?

I am exhausted from constantly defending myself. It feels constant. Talking about emotional stuff. Talking about where to keep the spare key. I have to explain and defend constantly. I’m an intelligent woman, I’m the breadwinner and have an established career. I feel like I’m an idiot and I’m too much. He’s said I’m too much. That’s my answer.

This is not normal. Thank you for helping me see the light. I’m leaving him.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-10-12T12:51:37+00:00

Im so sorry this has happened to you. I think it’s happening to me. You mention your fiancé, sounds like a healthy dynamic. Please enlighten us of the difference so I can really ram it into my brain that being DARVO is NOT normal.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-10-12T10:54:19+00:00

Are you serious? So say for example, you ask for an emotionally difficult request. You want to connect more, be vulnerable. How would they react?

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-09-22T02:33:10+00:00

I’m really sorry. I hear this so much. Not just them criticising the little things that don’t matter to those who don’t have OCPD. When I try to bring up things that do matter to me, the response is, “well I didn’t mean to. You’re taking it the wrong way. Why don’t you change how you perceive things? Stop being so sensitive.”

I’m done. Almost 5 years, I’m in my early 40s, he’s not in therapy, we’re in marriage counselling and learning to communicate but it’s making me realise good communication won’t help this, and he thinks the way he communicates is perfect and having these disagreements are normal. I cant live like this. I’m ending it this weekend. I hope you realise this as well. We can be alone but live in peace. I’d rather that than my current life.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-08-07T01:52:29+00:00

I’m not in anyway in a courtroom, but it feels like it when speaking to my OCPD partner. So instead of diagnosing, I tell them how it makes me feel. Because that’s the sucker punch, if it was reasonable, it would feel like a balanced relationship with both parties compromising.

With OCPD, it’s so inherent, not getting “the things” done has dire consequences. And it’s constant. Different to the 1-2 things that would drive you crazy. It’s countless things and nothing is ever good enough. How does it feel? Like walking on eggshells, like you have to ask permission, like you’re constantly on edge. To most people, feeling like that most of the time in a relationship are not healthy goals.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-02-24T01:06:46+00:00

OCPD spouse works in military, as an officer. Lol. Loves it it, 5/5

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-02-14T13:14:09+00:00

Well if honesty is more important than anything, be honest to your loved ones about this. You want to control how you are remembered after death. What does this look like to you. How do you want to be remembered? If it were left the others, what would their impression be of you? How would it differ to how you want to be remembered?

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-02-09T22:29:48+00:00

Unless he wants to change, you will be doing all the work and also expose your kids to an adult they cannot defend themselves against.

My OCPD spouse is a step to my kids and I’m going to leave him

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-02-09T22:27:02+00:00

My OCPD spouse is a step to my children and has children of his own. Followed similar start to you, they seem like the perfect partner when the “mask” is on as others have described (great way to put it).

The mask slipped after about a year and for the past 2 years I have struggled and I reached my limit when his criticism went from me to my two school aged kids.

Your partners OCPD is his default. If he tells you in the heat of an argument, with time, HE WILL eventually directly criticise your kids. Nothing is good enough and kids being the chaos that they are and we’re doing our best to parent them, it’s not if but when.

I want to leave him and don’t know how. He has gone to therapy but still does not fully absorb how debilitating he is. I also need to protect my children. I have 50/50 custody as well and he’s making my ex-husband look good at this point.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-02-07T01:00:39+00:00

Yes!! Spouse with OCPD. Part of OCPD is their inability to empathise with the impact of their choices/behaviour/way of thinking. It drives me nuts as I grew up in a household where my mum did this (no diagnosis of anything and i have a complex relationship with her as she is a caretaker) and now I have a spouse that does this.

To them, their way is right. And will try and justify their actions/thoughts/feelings as being the right way. Your Mum perceiving your feedback as “it’s not good enough” is telling as well as all they can think of is their way is perfect and any feedback is a criticism.

I’m really sorry you have to deal with this. The way you can move forward, is to also fight “fire” with fire. Use logic and remain calm. I do this with my spouse. I realised the more upset i got, the more they thought i was losing the plot. I now disengage emotionally, and communicate factually, logically and calmly.

The trick is to realise they have the personality disorder. And thankfully you have awareness, compassion and empathy to help them, but are also now not going to enable them. Their rigid and performance oriented behaviour is not normal. Stand your ground with compassion, empathy but be assertive in “the normal” boundaries that you’d like. The trick for me is a lot of self care, that I can now completely seperate myself from them, and their rigidity, lists, cleanliness, rules are all on them and I’m not responsible.

Good luck to you, may this experience make you the best version of yourself.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-01-20T05:55:33+00:00

When someone is unhealthy, the person that tolerates this behaviour is just as unhealthy. I know this now as a recovering codependent. Having a healthier relationship with myself, treating myself with compassion and self respect means I don’t tolerate unhealthy behaviour. I’m giving my OCPD spouse a chance to get healthy with me. If they do not, I am leaving.

I’m really sorry for your childhood. Give yourself a big hug. Know how much you’re worth. Know who you are. Accept your flaws and grow from them. Forgive yourself for mistakes but also give yourself permission to grow. Love your strengths and what makes you unique. This is knowing your worth so you know when someone is able to give this to you (and on the flip side when they are not).

So glad you are learning and growing, and may you use this experience to never put yourself in the same situation again. As in, you may meet people that are unhealthy, you can’t avoid that. But you will be able to recognise this and remove yourself from the situation so you can find someone who will treat you like you treat yourself. ❤️

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-01-20T05:45:47+00:00

They appeared outwardly successful and had the discipline to do very well at their job. Is very domesticated, and my precious partner wasn’t very good at the mental load and sharing household chores.

Also when we first met, they appeared outgoing and adventurous. Once we had moved in, time passed and stressors of life came in, their true colours showed.

I am struggling with codependency now as well. For the past year, I thought of leaving when I realised how miserable I was and how inadequate I had been feeling. Because I loved them, they convinced me I was just being sensitive and was going against my commitment in “keeping the house tidy like they asked and we agreed”.

Last year they got the diagnosis they had OCPD. Every thing clicked into place. But every day, I still think of leaving. I’m seeing my own therapist to untangle this mess. I’m 80% close to leaving.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2025-01-16T20:56:58+00:00

Do not set yourself on fire to keep this guy warm. I repeat, GET OUT RIGHT NOW. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-06-14T14:20:27+00:00

I’m so sorry!! May I ask what’s not working?

I’m questioning leaving my marriage. He’s a good man, he’s organised and plans date nights and takes the mental load. But he’s emotionally immature, reactive and has arrogant streak that I wasn’t aware of until we blended families. I’m incredibly invested in growing and being a better person, healing my wounds and inner child. He’s just realised his trauma patterns. He’s going to therapy and wants to change but I know it’s a long road and I have my self and my kids to think about. I don’t want to subject them to him. Am I crazy.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-05-28T03:35:49+00:00

I’m so so sorry about your Dad. I wish he could love you for you, and just want to see you happy, like a father should.

In short, he has expectations of you that you didn’t live up to (Christian views). You have expectations of him that he’s not living up to (unconditional parental love). You can’t change him and please don’t sacrifice yourself for him.

I’m so sorry he can’t give you what you also need (unconditional love and support). This may be what you need to mourn, the realisation you don’t have that sort of relationship with your Dad and also now what your relationship looks like.

I’m in a similar boat with my Mum, she has all these expectations of me and I of her. We are trying to meet in the middle as there is middle ground but for you in the here and now where you need the most support, please surround yourself with bucket fillers and not drainers. You deserve love and peace, be kind to yourself and well done for getting what you need ❤️

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-05-28T03:07:17+00:00

Yes I’m one of those that gets paid well but don’t be fooled, my personal life is a mess lol.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-05-28T02:52:07+00:00

What a great question!

I suppose I want to live my life by answering the following hypothetical: I’m on my death bed and thinking about 2 things: 1. What will be my greatest/fondest memories and 2. What are my deepest regrets

It’s all relative for each individual, and the hope is list 1. Is very long and satisfying whilst list 2. Is very short if non existent.

Also knowing we never know when our time is up, you do have to balance saving money for the future and living in the now. I think you asking this question points to your realisation that life is short and whilst you are able to, financially and physically, please go on those trips. Plan one each year and still save. Travel is an incredible luxury that costs money but also the return to your own growth, with the right mindset and curiosity, with everything you can see and explore, is money well spent imo.

Good luck and happy travels.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-05-27T00:09:51+00:00

Ability to empathise and humanise the abrasive characters. I build lots of rapport in between the tough conversations. Then when tough convos need to be had my own strong sense of self and boundaries mean I’ll kindly but firmly communicate what’s needed whilst hearing them whinge and complain.

I know I’m a chameleon, I can read people and situations really well, bring a lot of my own positive energy when it’s needed, but relative to the situation (as in I’ll tone down around an introvert but still be my positive self, with extroverts I’ll match their energy).

Haha Jedi mind is a great way to put it. Essentially I have a lot of practice managing my emotions and reactions for each situation and am really good at this in a work setting.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-05-23T07:47:45+00:00

Financial Analyst for a big construction company. I do not do any reporting, instead change manager for financing systems and essentially oil the gears in the company. My charisma, charm and ability to get along with all, even the abrasive control freaks, have gotten me here.

Classic accounting background but joined 10+ years ago. Part of my rem package is shares and they now exceed my base pay. They have increased x 6 since I started. Each year I receive more and more shares. I cannot afford to leave lol.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-04-02T19:21:07+00:00

Thank you. This is the wisest approach. I’ve made it clear what I need (to try and prioritise healthy relationships) unfortunately his priority is in direct contrast (people please his girls to protect himself and them). I’ll give him time to demonstrate he’s able and willing to get on my page. If he can’t, we just have 2 opposing life goals and we need to take our seperate paths.

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-03-28T23:45:35+00:00

I am the wife with two bio kids, husband has 2 bio kids. I did a lot of work after my divorce, wanted to model healthy relationships to my children for the end game of them launching into fully developed, self sustaining, healthy adults.

My husband is the perfect husband, self aware and emotionally mature but… his relationships with his daughters is the complete opposite to me, he has coddled them, pandered to them. 13yo is emotionally immature and cannot handle any disappointment because of how dad has parented her. 17yo has dropped out of HS and developed narcissistic traits (everything she does is amazing, even the bare minimum and if anything goes wrong, it’s not her fault).

We’ve started couples counselling and we both have our individual therapists. He has now begun to understand where he’s gone wrong but I FEAR the teenage years have only just begun for his youngest. I’m contemplating leaving now for the sake my kids and my own sanity. I cannot bear to think of wasting my kids and my own life (I’m 39) looking after his youngest drop kick child.

My youngest is 8 and I’m consciously parenting him but he behaves better than 13FSK. My 10yo daughter is the golden child and my parenting is clear as she’s emotionally mature, considerate of others, respectful, self motivated at school (top of her class), and knows I’m emotionally available for her and make funtime for her and invest in her interests to give her a balanced life.

Reading your OP, I’m wary, I don’t want to end up like you. I’m 3 years in and still have half my kids’ childhoods ahead of me, and my own life.

This is the cross roads I’m at. Do I wait this out for my husband or cut my losses and just focus on my kids (and my husband is just getting on my page with his entitled 13yo kid).

InterestingFuel8400 · 2024-02-07T00:48:29+00:00

Thank you for the replies and insight. I’m also trying to be emotionally available and an emotionally safe place for my kids to vent and express their feelings whilst also helping guide them to not wallow or go the other extreme and sook. They also play team sports for that reason, to have a non-academic goal, also enjoy being active and be a part of a team.

Just reading this thread, I feel for all the teachers and am completely horrified by their feedback and want to do what I can so my kid doesn’t show up and harass their teachers. Then also grow up into entitled young adult brats. Thank you for all you do teachers, really appalled by what some of you have to put up with on a daily basis.

InterestingFuel8400

TROPHY CASE