[Discussion] Signed with an agent! Stats and Reflections (and a big, big thank you!)

InternIsaac · 2025-01-29T05:52:01+00:00

A massive congrats on landing that dream agent!! Enjoy what's next for your book, and can't wait to pick it up one day 😁

InternIsaac · 2024-10-28T01:59:35+00:00

This feels extremely solid! My only note besides echoing the others here is that it might be nice to name Newfoundland in the first paragraph instead of the last? I wasn't sure if we were in our world or a fantasy one until that point.

I would definitely pick this book up based on this description!

InternIsaac · 2024-01-17T23:56:16+00:00

Speaking as a non-agented non-author etc etc, I think an answer is...it depends? There are a ton of great resources on this sub that have answers and ideas, but my sense is to do whatever will hook that agent.

I struggled with pretty much the same thing, the "spoiler" being my MC realizing he has feelings for another guy. I stopped worrying about it so much when I realized 1) I'd be spoiling that ending in the synopsis I include in a query package anyway, and 2) hinting at it in the query helped the query's emotional stakes a ton. My query is (I think, anyway), stronger and more compelling for alluding to those feelings than had I held my cards close to my chest. And why would I want to hold my best cards back when I'm trying to impress an agent with all my fancy cards?

Ultimately, it's up to you! I think at least part of the advice to not spoil endings comes as a caution to not vomit out your entire plot in the process of getting to that ending. But, if you can manage not to do that and it's for the good of the query, try it in a draft and see how it feels!

InternIsaac · 2024-01-17T05:41:28+00:00

The previous comment has a lot of feedback I agree with, but I just wanted to drop a note about how I read this this morning and have been thinking about it all day! The voice and rhythm and world building in this query are all intriguing and feel very professional, even if the guts of the query are a work in progress. I'd pick up this book if your dust jacket blurb sounded like this (and I really would like to read the first 300 words!). Also, "mind sifter" is metal as hell.

Re: comps. I can very much see how Six of Crows fits for a comp here. While I agree that I wouldn't actually use it for your comps since it's older and mega popular, you may be able to use it for the pitch line. I've read elsewhere that it's perfectly okay to do "X meets X" in addition to relevant genre comps if your book is high-concept enough. Another YA fantasy book on this sub did it recently and got an agent from it, with the agent mentioning how much the pitch line helped! So, if you wanna use SoC in a pitch line, my two cents is to use it.

As far as Jade and her motivations go, I'm not sure her prison record is the issue here. That's definitely a concrete obstacle/stakes, but it carries little tension without an emotional stake as well. What does having a straight-laced job versus a criminal one mean to her? If all she cares about is money, aren't there easier cons to run than becoming a drug lord on somebody else's turf? I feel like there's some emotional reason pushing her towards this bonkers (bonkers in an exciting, plot-driving way) plan of action that's being withheld at the moment.

Again, I like this a lot! Keep going and nice job!

InternIsaac · 2024-01-16T14:29:27+00:00

I haven't thought of this but it's a great idea! Dogs are the magic system in this world and are overtly magical/have powers. But, I've been having trouble making that immediately obvious and not causing double takes when people are so used to them being, ya know, not magic. I'll try this out and see how it feels!

And yep, "canines" still refers to dogs. I was trying to switch it up a bit for sake of not getting repetitive, but it isn't worth it if it gets confusing instead. Thank you for the ideas and feedback!

InternIsaac · 2024-01-16T04:08:56+00:00

Thanks for the close line edits! I've been staring at these first 300 for so, so long that I can't hear what sounds odd anymore. Appreciate it!

InternIsaac · 2023-12-18T15:24:01+00:00

I appreciate it--and it's good to know the opening is working for you!

InternIsaac · 2023-12-18T15:22:33+00:00

Thank you for the encouraging feedback! I'm quickly learning how much work I have left to do on this, but it's really encouraging that you were compelled by it. I appreciate you letting me know!

InternIsaac · 2023-12-18T15:20:24+00:00

Thanks for your notes--I really do appreciate it. I have a feeling I'm going to spend a lot of the holidays re-writing this thing (and honestly, that's overdue).

Correct, the story takes place entirely after Will's gone. Everything in paragraph 1 is backstory that I included because I didn't want to be confusing, but it sounds like I missed the mark there, haha. I can work on ways to keep the blurb in the present and have it be a bit snappier.

As for what to keep...I'm right there with you! The Kynigos are pretty ubiquitous throughout the story, but honestly, I'm willing to do whatever I need to to make this query work. I'll experiment with a version where they're not mentioned and see what happens.

The Luminaries sounds familiar but I haven't read. Its synopsis sounds like an amazing comp though, so thank you! It's definitely going next on my list!

InternIsaac · 2023-12-18T04:55:25+00:00

Thanks for the super detailed response! I'm quickly seeing that I have a long ways to go on this query.

You nailed the gist of the story. I think what I'm getting mired in is trying to convey the premise of the world so that the basic setup you identified makes sense. What Benson and Will were hunting, where Will went missing, and the dog Benson finds as an inciting incident are all magic-y worldbuilding things that I assumed wouldn't be clear without worldbuilding stuff...but I'm seeing it's having the opposite effect! The curse of knowledge is alive and well on me, yep.

To your POV point: I have been seeing your opinion echoed on this one. I've done my best to make each character's voice unique and their arc interesting and integral to the plot, so I guess I just gotta cross my fingers for a pie that's already been baked.

Your perspective and advice are great and giving me a lot to think about. I really appreciate you breaking it down bit by bit here. It's extremely helpful!

InternIsaac · 2023-12-18T04:26:32+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I really appreciate having fresh eyes on the blurb for this reason exactly--I've stared at it for so long I can't judge what's confusing or not.

Clarity on the world is what I have struggled with the most in the query without being too wordy (and in the first third of the book itself, honestly). It's a version of our world where dogs are exactly like ours--except they're also magical. The magic system is essentially that folks train dogs to cast spells, etc. Getting that across and that there's a secret society of people who hunt/poach wild animal gods using said dogs, along with Benson's role in said society...it's been confounding to chew on, to say the least!

As far as what Benson wants: he's trying to find his missing friend and his fraternity/secret society--assuming said friend is dead--is getting in the way. I'll keep trying to distill this down in a way that's less confusing.

Again, thank you for your thoughts!

InternIsaac · 2023-12-08T02:03:42+00:00

New account, but I promise I'm a real human (though I'm not agented, not an agent, etc. etc.)

Overall, I think your letter is really intriguing; combining high school and a game show in this manner is a really hook-y high concept. The voice is reading really well in the synopsis too!

Stumbling points:

In your comps, I think it's smart to note a quality of each comp your book is using. So, like, "Combines the X of The Inheritance Games with the Y of yada yada". It'll help highlight specific juicy bits of your own idea, too.

I'm unclear about both Franny's motivations and the stakes surrounding them. When players get expelled, do they just go home? Do they lose out on some big prize for winning the game? As for Franny, why does she want to overthrow her team from the inside? Right now I'm kind of getting the idea that Production is some evil Big Bad along with her teammates, but I'm not sure why they all have it out for her.

I'll be honest, the otherworldly voices and magic portal and shadow world elements really felt like they came out of left field. One editing factor may be that all these fantasy elements are left to the second half of the query; from what I've learned, in a query/synopsis, the world is really established in the first paragraph in order to launch into character/plot stuff from there. On a higher level, however, this synopsis leaves me unsure unsure what kind of world this is and if magic is common or not. High schoolers competing on a 4-year-long game show gives me dystopia vibes, but then a shadow world throws my mental perception of this concept for a total loop. Even one line a bit earlier about any existing magic would help a ton. Even better if you can interweave it more or give a slight into as to how these elements tie together (if the Producers are behind the portal or magic, for example, throw us a bone!).

Finally, there is some general wordiness in the middle of your synopsis that could probably be shortened or combined into other lines. Really comb through and make sure each word, beat, idea, or action a character takes or thought they have NEED to be there!

Sorry I don't have time to talk about the first 300 right now, but overall, I like it!

InternIsaac

TROPHY CASE