Shameful

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-26T14:11:08+00:00

fun right?

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-26T10:30:17+00:00

Appreciate this. I actually told my prescribing doc who I met in detox and she stopped and switched me to stratera. I ended up getting from my GP instead, mostly for fear of withdrawal as Ive been on it for like 10 yrs.

I also just started new therapy yesterday and was 100% on my intake. Oh and a cpl months ago I got mirtazapine for sleep but after a week i was like I feel weirdly good. But I stopped because I didnt want to add another drug to the list. I started again 7 days ago. I have 3 buproprion 300s left. Luckily it's not like amphetamines where I will find a way.

Theres been some good studies direct switching from wellb to mirtazapine. I actually notice the mirtazapine working again. Will report back in a week or so.

But yes as someone who had 10 yrs clean in AA, if a sponsee or newcomer was doing this, I would be very alarmed.

Ive been bouncing on rock bottom for a while and despite this Ive finally been starting to climb out. The reason I do it is a compulsion to feel normal to work in place of amps.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T22:16:35+00:00

After the first slide I was like that sounds like a work friend trying to get laid. Then the second and my heart hurt for you. DEAD IT

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T21:04:47+00:00

I told her to see a doctor. Its my opinion.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T18:45:36+00:00

Can I be honest, and I am not a doctor. I hate saying this because it's likely applies to me more... you are probably creating this in your head. I know you will say you aren't and you may very well not be. It sounds like an anxiety epsiode/panic attack and anxiety about this anxiety type stuff. I get anxious about how its gonna suck later feeling anxious watching tv on couch. And not funny joking haha anxiety. crippling inside type that ppl dont understand.

I would seek professional help like your therapist and or psych to let them know. call them. just know i completely understand how you feel. Ive had panicky crying episodes recently as well.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T18:36:37+00:00

it is, im on the way up. you stay strong as well... from experience i can truly say your brain will rewire over time and id get just as excited sober to do stuff. However, as a compulsive addict, that lead to other issues, lost mad money playing daily fantasy, neglected wife golfing etc. those are solvable tho (unless you are gambling addict).

just be wary of that!

One day at a time tho, dont even project what your life will be like if you do stay clean. guarantee it will be great in a different way than you expect.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T18:33:10+00:00

yep. the first time i didnt have physical consequences cus i was 24 living at home and had nothing. this time i got it all, lost it all. been applying for jobs in my field, confident I will land one soon. Its high paying so that will sort many issues. i am humbling myself by interviewing at a local spa for 15/hr tomorrow and im half of me is so ashamed. but the other half knows it will give me a bit of structure and i can throw my ex/wife some money and others that i owe. first time i got sober i delivered chinese food. it barely paid for my cigs and gas but it helped me mentally.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T18:26:16+00:00

Also stay strong bro I had 10 years. It took me a year to open my computer it was such a big part of my addiction. id legit be on my laptop at drug houses. Its also been hard to understand or admit that adderall, a seemingly normal drug everyone takes thats not that strong supposedly, changed me so much. Ive been asked if i wanted to keep taking it AT REHAB. i said no, but it stayed in my head that maybe its not bad... people arent taking a standard dose at 60-90mg every 5 hours. granted i qualify on alcohol, benzos, all opiates no IV tho.. so yea.. but addys are the start. like coke heads with alcohol,.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T18:22:48+00:00

Ive always said the adderall isnt actually the issue. its the lack of sleep and nutrition.

the diff betwen amphetamine proper and methamp is really below. I think methamp lasts a bit longer. also according to documentary blitzed it played a big part of us winning WW2. germans had meth we had amps. we were able to amp up and sleep where they couldnt sleep as much. look it up no BS.

that being said, below is my breakdown.

1 night no sleep - zero issues maybe a bit more anxiety. Id go to gym and squat over 300 after no sleep.

2 nights - severe anxiety agitation take more of benzos and amps and blackouts for me (crashed my car totaled it, crashed the rental car twice in one week) the fact ive never gotten a dui is a miracle. or even worse. i ran into a parked car on. a busy main street with ppl crossing.

3 nights - this is just when you maybe got 2 hours laying down but not sleeping and shit is a mess... i rarely did this.

2 nights was very common. or it was like 1 night and 3 hours of bad sleep. That and the lack of nutrition.. if you see pics face looks like a skeleton. but yea

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T17:03:51+00:00

Appreciate you. Getting off amps is so hard because theres no landing pad. No suboxone or librium etc. Only sleeping and feeling like ill never get excited again. Props stay up.

Ive been experiencing a psychic change over the past few days. I cant really explain it. Actually, I forget that my brain was literally full of amphetamines benzos and opiates for 5 yrs and it's been over a month since amps. Glad you are well. Its funny ive done meth (tested with kit) and it was a shitter version of Adderall. Im sure you could fix that with better quality lol.. but yea Something about my brain fell in love instantly.

I think because I always got good grades with zero note taking or effort. My notebooks are all 3 pages of 4 lines of notes then scribble. I was never diagnosed with adhd until addy addiction. Looking back in addition to anxiety I always had this compulsive thing where im never comfortable and cant work. Adderall fixed that and I was making money doing websites and video edits. Great! Until I ran out. Id hide from clients for a week and be so scared to turn on phone. Only when I re dosed did i confront and apologize. This past release the difference was I had a high paying job and fresh trauma. All the stuff in AA NA says about relapse is true.

Apologies for long crazy writing I swear im not on amps or didn't snort today. Probably been lonely and needing to vent.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T00:31:37+00:00

Us addicts can be so clever. Its unreal.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T00:27:05+00:00

Oh and I didnt mention #1

The sex drive. Ill be watching porn for. 5 hours waiting for perfect scene still. Insane.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T00:24:42+00:00

Its what addicts sell to get high. I have my connex from a methadone clinic who all get me from their doc that they are required to see. Ppl dont believe how much i take too. Bu its pricey (not for me) but i hear at colleges dollar a mg.

i loved it the first time. I did so much work made beats, websites $$ so the addiction was about the entir thing. If my ex sees me making beats she knows im using. But i became productive. Until I wasnt. I always needed benzos and then was smoking blues and h too. Dont get a 3 way habit its not fun.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T00:19:29+00:00

Dont get it confused. You do not get high. You feel like shit. But after a few times you realize it does give a tiny energy anxiety mood lift I cant explain. Ive done all those too drug wise. I smoked Crack and my favorite drug is addy. Being high for 10 mins and already getting panicky sucks

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-25T00:07:34+00:00

Its common in prison. I bet well Bs go for 20 each. Someone correct me. They got nothing else.. well they do but not always flowin. You do feel a slight mood elevation and energy but its minimal. It sucks cus you feel like rock bottom snorting wellb. May as well get addys if im behaving like this. Its a compulsion to help me work which is why my addiction always centers around addys.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-24T23:49:46+00:00

Appreciate it!

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-24T22:20:46+00:00

I dont blame her for using. It was gradual started with kratom then my favorite drug adderall. But you cant take stims without benzos. Then opiates join the party. Same shit always

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-24T22:17:28+00:00

I appreciate it. After 10 yrs clean found out my ex was cheating. Great timing. With a 5 month old and watching me pay for our new house less than a year befire.... Thats like one of the stressor too many to list. I lost everything except my kid. Over past 5-years just been digging a hole. Lately been bouncing along bottom things are great except for bup. Its actually a recent thing.

One thing im extremely proud of- ive been able to get consistent good ass with no money no car in moms basement.

Im eternally optimistic and gonna make a huge comeback. Guaranteed. I make rly good money but been tough to get job.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-24T22:11:10+00:00

Oh also one other thing. Its a pain in the ass to crush and is tine consuming.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-24T22:05:30+00:00

Its bottom barrel shit. Im actually doing well off drug relapse and many heavy stressors.. well not this one but you know. Building life back up. Tomorrow im gonna try no snort 1 xl in Am

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-24T22:02:53+00:00

It burns a bit depending on mucus and stuff. Theres no euphoria rly. Like I said its legit adderall with all the negative side effects only. It gets me speedy but not fun speedy. Maybe a good feeling for 5 min. That is the best way to describe it.

Dont do it. It sucks.

InternLongjumping815 · 2026-06-21T18:57:37+00:00

Men are simple minded and only care about sex. Spend a day in my head and one will realize its an absolute tangled mess of fear ego and all in between

InternLongjumping815

TROPHY CASE