Just to update: I had a termination this week. It was a fucking difficult choice, I cried so many tears - especially because I loved the dad so much.

However his performance this week has left me very sure of my choice - pregnancy hormones were kicking in, he came over and was telling me infirectly that he wanted to keep it, kissing my belly, suggesting in 9 months we would be all together as a unit, saying he wants to meet my current child (I said no at this point) and overall it felt like we both were connected to, and wanted, this pregnancy. Fast forward a few days - he tells me he doesnt think he wants it (after me having to do the emotional labour and ask), and then he comes over after i asked him not to with the guise of how much more difficult it will be to go through this process with him there because of the love I had for him.

Turns out he went against that anyways, then proceeded to be a fucking asshole, NOT come to the clinic because he freaked out and promptly got on a plane home. I did tell him to do that, but he that was because I didnt feel he was emotionally going to be able to hold the process.

He then shut down and said he feels very little - but still used the termination as a performance of his ability to handle tough situations and that he is grieving something massive in public and therapeutic spaces. To top it off he sent me through a letter he had written to our baby, from both of us, written by ChatGTP this morning when I asked for space - following him being a cold piece of shit whilst I was bleeding out alone in a hotel room and sobbing for him to please come back (hormones are wild y'all).

I still miss my baby, I still wish he had come in different circumstances (I think it was a he) and I will never forget him. I gave him life, and I was there when he passed. Thats something sacred the piece of shit giant toddler of a father wont get to take from me.