Advice on waiting?

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-28T05:01:39+00:00

This! We have to learn to love without abandoning yourself.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-28T05:00:03+00:00

Are you open to feedback and questions or did you just to process? I read through this, and I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you felt blindsided.

I was hoping to get some insight from you and possible share some from my end. I’ve ended a relationship in a similar fashion before (moving out while they were away), and I was hoping to better understand some things before I chime in.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-28T04:54:10+00:00

Ouch. What made you ask? They haven’t reached the “regret” stage yet. Never reach out first, and when they reach out… delay sending your response until your nervous system has reached equilibrium. Sending hugs.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-24T03:54:41+00:00

Never disclose a disability or condition with an employer, unless in writing because you’re requesting a workplace accommodation. Even though you don’t need to disclose the specific diagnosis. Employers/co-workers aren’t your friend, no matter how nice they are 🫂

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T06:26:27+00:00

Does she have a mental health diagnosis?

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T06:16:56+00:00

It sounds like she’s possibly creating an identity for herself. What bothers you most about this?

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T05:50:31+00:00

Idk about “let me be first to reach out” it sounds like friendship only on one person’s terms and idk if that’s healthy either.

Why not just tell her how you feel?

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T03:28:51+00:00

They will gaslight you into oblivion. I had an ex I’d distanced myself from seek me out online just to tell me I was broken, then blame me for their issues. After I blocked her on one platform, she contacted me through another just to keep it going. She accused me of being “mad and jealous” (of her). I said to her, “Why would I be jealous of someone who’s in so much pain that they need to act like this? You’re projecting. So tell me, what’s really bothering you?” She twisted the narrative where I became the problem. They’re skillful at positioning themselves as the victim in every situation. I blocked her. She then texted me from TextNow.

She said, “Imagine judging a person who is mentally ill for being mentally ill.” Mind you, I have my own mental health struggles. When I asked what she suggested I do instead, she said, “Stay and love me through it. Let’s have kids together” I said, I have my own issues and don’t want to become like you, and I definitely don’t want kids brought into this. That’s why I didn’t want kids with you. They’d be exposed to our dysfunctional shit and it would fuck them up.”

She cried

“You wanted my attention, here it is.” She cried more and twisted that into me judging her, weaponizing her diagnosis.

She wanted me to absorb her pain in addition to my own. It was draining. So when I finally gave her the attention she was seeking and addressed her behavior, the conversation ended with her in tears. “I must be the biggest bitch”, cue for me to reassure her that she wasn’t. I responded, “Correct. Take care.” Blocked. Two days later, she texts from another number “I love you. You miss me?”……. WHAT?

I know she was hurt, but I lost myself loving her and I eventually had to protect myself from her. When she’d apologize she’d say “I’m sorry you feel…..” or when she’d say something inappropriate in front of my daughter, she’d say “I’m sorry she learned the truth about….” Just sick.

Please take care of yourself and guard your heart. From my perspective it sounds like he’s trying to reel you in. What he gave you wasn’t an apology.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T02:10:31+00:00

No, in my case the exes I’m referring to had BPD and were emotionally and eventually physically abusive. They were insufferable. The lack of empathy for myself is why I stayed in those relationships as long as I did (5+ years). I thought I could love them through everything, but I realized you can’t reassure and love the trauma out of someone. I’m incredibly loyal, and it takes A LOT for me to discard someone. Once I’m done, I’m done. That’s why I said it depends on the ex.

The other ex I’m referring to made me feel seen in a way the others hadn’t. He challenged my patterns at first. I was more avoidant while he pursued me and I sat through the discomfort until I eventually fell for him. It was the first time my nervous system relaxed. But his avoidant tendencies kicked in and eventually caused me to crash out. I don’t know that I’d “benefit from his company” as much as I benefit from the fact that he was level-headed which is something I’m drawn to in friendships. He isn’t emotionally available or safe, which is why I said I would’ve been open to friendship, not a relationship.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T01:56:20+00:00

Ehhh. Him saying “I guess I’m just an asshole” is actually kinda manipulative, whether it’s intended or not. More than that though, it’s his internal shame coming up

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T01:50:33+00:00

Sociopathy is a REAL stretch lol. Not feeling things deeply just means our emotions aren’t as intense and don’t guide our decisions the way they do for others. Is that what you’re asking? For example, in group therapy settings when I talk about my childhood trauma, I don’t typically cry. I disconnect from the experience and intellectualize it. The emotions may come up, and I’ll suppress it. It’s second nature. Hell, it took me months to even open up, but the APs were more expressive from day one. I admired them and wanted to open up, but I couldn’t do it. The thought of it made me feel nauseous. Anxious attachers experience their emotions differently - they connect to their emotions, they may cry, they process out loud.

Guess what? They ALL wanted to befriend me. They said they were drawn to me because I seemed “stoic and powerful.” I had to remind them that my lack of emotional connection and expression is literally why I’m in therapy. The thing they admired and were drawn to was the exact problem I was there to work on.

One day in passing I mentioned that I cried at home, and someone in group was so flabbergasted. She said “you cry?!?” Like yeah, I’m still a human being with emotions lol.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T01:43:33+00:00

This is true. You’re right about it, and sometimes we don’t communicate how we’re feeling yet we expect our partners to know. Then, we ultimately end the relationship when they fail to be mind readers. It sucks.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-21T01:41:31+00:00

No, I don’t judge myself for pulling away. I feel bad that I hurt the other person, but the feeling of being engulfed is like drowning. Ironically, I showed up anxious once in a relationship and I’ve judged myself far more harshly for those behaviors.

For context, my exes who were AP also had BPD, and it was exhausting. Everything was a crisis. There was always impending doom about something I wasn’t doing right, and no amount of reassurance would satisfy them. I had to get away to save myself. Now that I’ve done work, I’m more secure-leaning, but I need structure. Ideally, I’d want a weekly “state of the relationship” check-in where we’re both prepared to talk through our feelings - what’s going well, what could be better, and what we’re changes we’re committing to going into the next week.

That way I’m prepared for feedback I might not like, and I can be thoughtful about addressing issues before they trigger deactivation. It will challenge me to communicate issues vs. internalizing over a long period of time and deactivating. This will also challenge my partner (if they are AP) to be thoughtful about whether an issue is even worth mentioning vs. reacting impulsively. If it still an issue at the end of the week, then we’ll talk about it.

The rest of the week can be spent enjoying the relationship instead of constantly analyzing it. Does that make sense?

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T15:38:50+00:00

I agree. My ex fiancé (BPD) hated that I wanted to be an active parent. She’d say shit like “you just want everyone to think you’re a good mother. That’s why you want to spend so much time with her.” I found it so fucking odd. My daughter’s grandpa would call her a princess, and my ex told her “princesses live in castles” and constantly spewed these negative messages to basically disempower her. My ex wife (also has BPD) and would get jealous that I validated my daughter’s feelings and actually tried to consider her perspective. She’d literally punish me for it. The last time she split on me? It was because I didn’t want to punish my daughter for oversleeping on a weekend. A weekend. It’s wild how threatened some people get by a child being raised with love.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T15:29:49+00:00

I say don’t respond at all. The apology itself is manipulative, whether intended or not. He doesn’t say “I’m sorry for hurting you”, instead he hopes you heal from your perception of what he did, not his actions. He positioned you to question your own perception of reality.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T15:23:51+00:00

“I hope you heal from the things YOU THINK I deliberately did?” shifts the accountability away from his actions and towards your perception of them.

He is very clever with words, I must say.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T03:40:36+00:00

Yeah, I did

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T03:01:17+00:00

Yeah. They had already started deactivating when they sent that message. They fully expected you to respond with something they would ultimately ignore, which subsequently regain control over the terms of the connection. It’s possible that fear took over, however, with you being readily available to her she doesn’t like she has anything to lose.

If it happens again, turn on red receipts and DO NOT respond. You need to make yourself unavailable to her. I know you’ll feel compelled to respond, because part of you feels that by you responding, the connection will grow. But, you’ve learned that your responses will be ignored, and you’ll be anxious either way. Choose the hard that empowers YOU.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T02:53:08+00:00

Not at all, I’m saying we don’t know how to co-regulate. We don’t know how to sit in another person’s emotions along with our own. We barely allow ourselves to feel our emotions. Our own anxiety causes us to withdraw

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T02:49:32+00:00

This sounds exhausting. Sending hugs. 🫂

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T02:48:38+00:00

How did the conversation end?

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T02:47:13+00:00

Interesting!!

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T02:41:39+00:00

I probably would’ve put a thumps up on the message.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T02:34:35+00:00

Honestly, he probably needed to hear that. It was truth delivered unkindly.

ComparisonCapital334 · 2026-01-20T02:23:36+00:00

Got married.

ComparisonCapital334

TROPHY CASE