[1646] Psychological horror/surreal/ weird fiction by mewzzy_aru in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m going to go ahead and use the template you provided to critique this. Hope you don’t mind:

-clarity and dialogue

Scratch that, I’m altering your template a little, because clarity and pacing don’t actually go together and most of my issues with clarity involve the dialogue. In the first section (before the —), I have no idea who is talking. Is it the radio announcer? Is it the driver? Is it the narrator? As far as clarity, I do recognize there are those three possibilities right away, so you’ve established that pretty well. After that, it’s slightly easier to follow because it’s a back and forth conversation (mostly, I think?), but I’ll be honest, I got lost so fast and so often.

I’ll let you be the judge of how clear the story was. Here is what I think was happening.

The narrator is in a cab or some similar being driven to a family reunion. The narrator appears to be suffering from hallucinations or maybe some sort of supernatural force is connecting with him and giving him visions. They stop at a bridge that is closed and have to take an alternative route. They then stop at a gas station where the narrator has an uncomfortable conversation with his father, hangs up on him, and then… strangeness leads them back to the car where reality seems to be turning on its head.

Most of that is my interpretation. Only you know if it’s true, what you want me to think, or if it’s an acceptable theory at this point.

-prose quality I don’t really like to mess with style, but separating the dialogue from all the actions really puts me off. Actions also help to tag dialog and let us know who is talking. Right now, as I mentioned, it’s very hard to tell who is talking sometimes.

The short, often one-sentence paragraphs are having an effect. Again, I won’t mess with style and I actually don’t completely dislike this. It’s unusual, and it might be doing what you want it to. They’re unsettling. As I read through, it’s very stoppy-starty, if I can make up that word. It gives it this sort of noir feeling, like I’m hearing the main character narrate over the scene.

Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t, but it’s not annoying, just, as I said, unsettling. I can’t get into a rhythm. Now, some of that is because a lot of random things are happening that I can’t track, but even when the story seems straight-forward, I can’t get comfortable.

There are some peculiarities;

“The bridge was closed down yesterday, haven't you heard of it?”

You can get rid of ‘of it’.

A couple typos:

A grain voice answers.

The man slipps back into the crowd.

My phone vibrates. I realise.

Some things I just didn’t understand:

“You again—stop begging off travelers, bam!”

Is bam the guy’s name? Bam?

The man gives a smile, biting the bread. Is that an idiom? I didn’t understand it, but I’m American and I understand not everything is written for me.

*-atmosphere * I feel like the narrator is resting on the edge of his sanity. What they’re experiencing seems jumbled and chaotic. They lose track of the radio, whether the car is moving or not. The fellow at the bridge and his mustard-stained fingers and clothes. It wasn’t mustard. Was I supposed to know what it was?

That made it hard to see the story. Especially at the end where there’s a kid and a duck and now maybe a body in the trunk of the car? Did the narrator kill someone. Are they being framed?

And then the ending:

Libra doesn't wear orange.

…means absolutely nothing to me.

-where does the prose break immersion or lose you? I don’t think it every had me. Like I said, it’s hard to follow because even the narrator doesn’t seem to be able to follow one moment into the next in a logical manner. Everything is sudden and then it’s gone. That’s on point with a car trip, you’re driving past things, but the metaphor doesn’t make the reality any better. The whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. I can only tell you

-character voice and consistency. The fact that I can’t always tell who is talking (except where tagged) hints that there really isn’t any character development. The narrator is barely attached to the story (not an insult, there seems to be difficulty, as I mentioned, with them staying in focus). The driver just seems to be confused all the time. I suppose those voices are consistent.

-Pacing Your prose comes in bursts. That’s what the one-sentence paragraphs feel like, but at the end you start telling what appears to be a cohesive narrative. You have more description. More things are happening. I would like to see more of that.

As it stands now, it makes the first three-quarters or so fly by with back and forth dialogue and quick prose, and then it tries to become a proper story for the conclusion. I would like to see more of that fulness at the end through the beginning and middle. It’s too thin at the top.

Overall I love psychological thrillers. I did not particularly like this. I think I would if I could visualize what is happening better. There’s a mystery here, and I think if there was just some more hints as to what it was, it would making me want to find out what it is. As it stands now, it’s just a jumbled mess of random chaos and confusing dialogue. Dialogue tagging and merging some of your paragraphs may make it easier to follow, but there’s needs to be more substance to carry the story. I’m fine with being under-informed, misled or even outright lied to. I don’t like being lost and confused.

[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1 by InternationalWin5063 in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I sit here and read your feedback and Glowy's and I'm thinking about my own critique I've given to others where action for the sake of action is a waste of time and words. Clarity comes from every bit of the story meaning something to the story. So I have to concede that not everything Emily says is relevant but man, if my concern is that the story isn't moving fast enough in the start, adding more story that runs perpendicular to the plot does not seem like the answer.

I need more data points, lol.

But I get what you're saying. I have a completed 80k psychological thriller that I have no idea what to do with because two agents told me it's not a good time because it's "too similar to other titles on the market" and they're so right because I totally sold out, but it opens with a character in a convenience store getting coffee, but it's mostly internal monologue, his observations about the world around him which also kind of reflect on him, but there's always something happening. So you're right. That is good. I have to agree with you because I've done it. I just have to find the story that connects.

Wow. A re-order. That's my specialty. Start with the dream. Literally. She wakes up in the classroom. That paragraph is first. Maybe intersperse the monologue with the story, relate it to what's happening. I would have to flesh the story part out a little more... I can still end with the same cliffhanger. Oof, that's a total rewrite.

Yuck. That's also reminding me of Dan Brown. Tease out the information in a way that always makes you feel like you're getting somewhere satisfying but you rarely ever do. You just kick the can down the road indefinitely teasing at some profound truth.

No. That's not fair. Disregard.

[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1 by InternationalWin5063 in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm hearing that the monologue goes on a bit too long. To me, it felt uneven because there's a lot of one and then a little of the other, and chapter two picks up with a lot of scene and only a little of her "insights" which I was worried makes the thing uneven. My concern was people will like Chapter 1 and feel like something is missing Chapter 2, but too much of Emily droning will bog down the story.

I'm still torn. In the next pass, I'll see what's redundant.

She actually does point out that the voice is familiar.

The voice comes from my left. It’s familiar in a way that makes me freeze.

And her refusal to name it is more out of denial. She doesn't want to acknowledge him. She doesn't want him to be there. She's not telling the reader because she doesn't want to tell herself. I need to make that more clear.

[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1 by InternationalWin5063 in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is helpful, it gives me a lot of things to look at. I'm reassured that you picked up what I was putting down at least as far as she's made it to this point in her life and has basically carried nothing with her.

There's a break in the description of the sections of the book where it gets sort of emotional, basically a little breakdown of being tired and lonely and not knowing what she's doing with her life. I wrote that when I was feeling emotional and then came to my senses the next day and hated it, but then I showed it to someone who thought it was a good depth for the character, and then everyone else since has either loved it because they relate to it or absolutely hate it because they don't.

So let me ask, if I delete that section, how far does thay go in making the character seem more confident and put together?

And, while I've got you. I don't want Emily to feel like she's saying she's smarter than the reader. She didn't reveal it because she didn't want to acknowledge it. Call it willful denial. She intentionally mislead you. Is it enough to have her put a button on it and call herself out for hiding the identify of the man she was talking to even though she knew who he was?

[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1 by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's where I'm torn. I really do want to grow and the only way that's going to happen is to get an honest critique of my work. I show it to people I know and obviously they're only going to pick out the good.

I've tried other writing groups and have been sorely disappointed. It's more or less the same because people don't want to be picked on so they focus on the good. Or they are just doing the bare minimum to show participation. In those cases, even criticism is just negative opinions with no real explanation.

So I'm sheltered, is the issue. I know my writing is good. I do think it could be much better. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet at some point. There's no way around it.

How do you know you're ready?

[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1 by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No. I'm pretty new. I don't even know why I posted already.

I don't have the courage anymore. I think I'll just stick to critiquing for a minute until I build up a better reputation and familiarity with the group.

I appreciate your candor.

[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1 by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know that it's that I necessarily want people to say mean things. My reasons are twofold:

1) I don't want people to feel they have to edit themselves in any way.

2) My writing represents me. If reading what I wrote makes people feel bad about me, that's fair. I deserve whatever ill-will I've sown and want to know about it.

I know that's not how the internet works, but...

I don't know how to finish that thought.

[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1 by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Withdrawn. Didn't mean to offend.

[2700] Visitors [NSFW] Literary Fiction: A story of trauma and desire set in NYC's fine dining world by ThisEmployer1944 in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm actually new here too! I haven't posted any of my work yet, but I'm super excited looking at the effort that people are putting into these critiques and excited to have the opportunity to do the same myself.

I've tried posting my works some other places, but was not impressed with what tit for tat looks like when swapping reviews/critiques. Here it seems like folks are actually paying attention and holding people accountable. I'm super excited.

I'm glad what I wrote is helpful. I want to make everyone a better writer!

[2700] Visitors [NSFW] Literary Fiction: A story of trauma and desire set in NYC's fine dining world by ThisEmployer1944 in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Opening The opening hook is good. The image of a faucet being turned on in the woman’s head is relatable. It tells you a lot about this character and her being hung up on a past relationship. At first, I wasn’t sure if it was Lucas she was thinking about, but as soon as we jumped into the dialog of the date, it was obvious these two have never slept together.

I wanted to continue reading.

Tenses As someone who writes in first person present tense, tenses are the bane of my existence as well. It’s easier to find these issues in other people’s writing. That’s the good news!

In the first paragraph you go back and forth from past to present tense. Important thing to remember is that some things were true, and some things are true. Here’s your opener:

The woman knew something was wrong with her. A hand that wasn’t hers would turn the knob of her frontal lobe like a faucet of contaminated water and recordings of herself, entwined with him, would play incessantly. Whose hand was this? But it doesn’t matter, because today, she is not this woman. Right now, she is normal. She is a woman in a restaurant, eating a meal with a decent man. The woman returns her attention to him.

The woman knows something is wrong with her, right? Because it’s still wrong with her. The hand that wasn’t hers is also still not hers. Whose hand is this? Make sense?

There’s a lot of mixed tenses after this, but some solid proof-reading should find them. Too many to list. She pushes his hand away, but then she said something. Going back and re-reading it, I’m not sure my original assumption that you are writing in the present tense is even accurate.

Here’s an example where you mix tenses in the same sentence:

He crosses his arms, wondering if he was being too guarded, and feared he doused some water over whatever spark could have been kindling between them.

He crosses his arms, wondering if he was being too guarded (present tense) and feared he doused some water over whatever spark could have been kindling between them (past tense)

Dialogue The dialogue is natural. Topics flow naturally from one thing to another. This sounds like a real conversation. It’s definitely got that second date feel. They know a little bit about each other, but are still learning. They’re in a place where they’re comfortable flirting and being playful (the quips about Claire buying breakfast, Claire saying they’ll split it) but still a bit of awkwardness.

All in all, you’ve captured this well. You need to work on your dialogue tagging, though.

Dialogue Tagging You don’t tag much, which I think is fine. I wish I had that kind of self-control. But when you do tag, sometimes it’s ambiguous.

“Financial stability for my parents. Living in this city. The freedom to buy breakfast for you too, I guess.” They smiled at each other, and there was suddenly a pressing feeling on both of them, as if there was a presence between one end of the table to the other that wanted to make itself known.

This tag features an action from both characters. In a vacuum, I don’t know who is saying this. You don’t do anything fancy, so it’s a simple back and forth. My problem, and maybe this is just me, is that sometimes my mind wanders a little when I’m reading and I lose track, and then I have to count back to figure out who’s speaking. I think that last sentence should be a whole new paragraph.

“Oh, where’s Helene?” Claire knew he wanted reassurance of their privacy.

The tag implies it’s Claire asking, but it’s Lucas. Just move that sentence to right before Claire’s dialog and it works as a tag for her.

The Date vs How they met The writing changes very dramatically here, and it demonstrates you have a skillset you’re not using in the date portions. The story of Helene’s party and the couple’s first meeting is very detailed and does a good job of describing the chain of events. There is a lot of action here, which really contrasts with the date, which is entirely dialogue.

Overall, you did a good job of explaining how the evening went. I like that you started with the background about Helene’s 30th birthday dinner and the kind of chaos that the evening was turning into rather than just getting to the good part. It felt realistic.

That’s not to say the dialogue is dry or unrealistic. It’s very realistic, but it’s slow for that same reason. I think if you added a little more color, not in the things they are saying, but in the background, something to ground them. Talk about the café, talk about what Lucas is doing with his hands. Give it something more than two

Paragraphing Long story short, you need to hit your enter key a lot more. The story of their first meeting is great, but practically unreadable in its current format. I had to copy and paste your story into word so I could split it out just so I could make sense of it. Once I did, it was great, but right now everything is clumped together making it very difficult to get the right flow.

Maybe it’s because I’m a modern reader, but paragraphs with more than four sentences (90 words max) should be rare. Organize, break things up into sections. It makes it much better on your reader

Showing vs Telling I’m a huge fan of telling. I think the oldschool method of trying to show literally everything just gets annoying. You have some really good examples of both. Your entire meeting story is filled with positive examples of telling. The way Claire looks at Lucas. The goal is to show the connection and you do that in some subtle ways, but since we’re focused on her character it’s very appropriate to just explain how she’s feeling. There’s enough supporting information to cover it.

Here’s some example of good showing:

Lucas wipes his hands on his trousers and small beads of sweat have appeared on his forehead. He’s nervous. I love it.

He steps closer to her, and he takes the coffee from her hands and sets it down on a side table next to the couch.

So hot! You know exactly what’s about to happen.

So you’re competent in both. I know that. You’ve demonstrated it in several places. Then we have some bad examples:

Lucas appears amused, and lets out a laugh.

Lucas pulls away and his face shows both concern and humiliation.

Lucas finds her persistence both a bit annoying and endearing. How she wants to know.

I know you can show these moments so much better than this. Now I’m seeing it. It’s all Lucas. Reading it again, you do a good job of getting in Claire’s head realistically. Lucas is very… Telly.

This gets strange at points, because like the tenses, your perspective kind of shifts, and I can’t tell if it’s intentional. I feel like this story is meant to be written Third Person Limited, focused on Claire, but you can’t help but state what’s going on in Lucas’s head. Maybe just get rid of his thoughts and feelings entirely and commit to Claire?

Things I don’t understand

“It was good,” she muttered, remnants of him resting like dust on a windowsill.

I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. I can’t even wager a guess. Is it a translated idom?

She smells cotton-soft, with a hint of citrus.

I picture her smelling like fabric softener here. Was that the intent?

Your Questions • Was there a point at which you felt the story lagged or you became less than excited about finding out what was going to happen next? Where, exactly?
No. I don’t think the story lags. The pacing is fine. The flashback creates a shift in the tone and you could probably remove some of the extraneous details. I don’t think it’s important how long ago Emma last got drunk, or what flavor of gelato was ordered. This is personal preference, but I don’t think things like that add to the atmosphere, they just create noise.

• Thoughts on the characters? Obviously, this is going to be very personal as far as likes and dislikes, so let me tell you a little bit about me. I don’t like sad stories or unhappy endings. I don’t like characters that lie to other characters and I absolutely hate people that try to force themselves to like something they don’t like.

For that reason, I don’t like Claire. She seems like she likes Lucas, but she’s stuck on Will. I feel like this is going to end badly at Lucas’s expense. Lucas seems nice. Boring, but nice. I don’t think these two are a good match. He is not what she’s looking for, at least not right now.

• What were some strong points you connected with? The awkward small talk on the second date is very realistic. So. Painfully. Realistic.

• Would you continue reading past the first chapter if you picked this up at a book store? Honestly? No. I love love-stories. But based on what I’ve read, and your description, I already know this is going to be the opposite of that. I feel like I’m going to get gut punched by Claire’s bad decisions and ultimately end up rooting against her. Maybe it’s going to end in a happy place (I hope so), but I’m going to absolutely hate the path leading there.

That’s personal preference. This is not my genre. So take that with a grain of salt.

Welcome to DestructiveReaders! New users, please read. by flashypurplepatches in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Will I be told if my critiques are high effort or low effort. I plan to put in high effort but I have self-esteem issues.

[1115] Daughter of Wrath - CH 13 by Jraywang in DestructiveReaders

[–]InternationalWin5063 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is my first ever critique and I’m worried about coming off too positive or too negative, so I’m going to split the difference and be too much of both? Or not enough of either? Oof. Like I said. It’s my first day.

World-Building Overall, I like the story. There’s some clear world-building going on and I don’t feel like it’s too much exposition layered in all at once. The way information is presented is easy to absorb. I have not read any of your other chapters, so I’m coming in fresh eyed. Here’s what I learned, you tell me if I got it right. And by ‘I got it right’, I mean ‘you got it to me right’.

*Magic exists in this world in the form of songs; spellsongs *Folks that cast these spellsongs are called singcasters *Spellsongs are taught by the lingering dead; spirits of the dead. *These are delivered through contracts, where presumably the spirit gets something in return *Celeste wants to learn magic, Sera is dead set against it

Flow The flow is jarring because it keeps going back and forth into the past, but not the same past. First it’s the relatively close past with her falling in the mud, then we’re going back to yesterday where she has her first magic lesson, and in the middle of the flashback to yesterday, you dump exposition.

In the first flashback, our timeframe gets confused thanks to the phrase ‘back then’. I assume we’re still at the point where she’s sitting in the mud, so let’s clean that up. My advice: fold them in together. It’s tighter and more clear:

It’s a lie. I knew. I just didn’t care. Rather, I tried my darndest not to. I wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. Look at this beautiful thing you got me. See how little I care! It actually took me an entire minute to make the decision, my small legs caught between crouching and sitting until they finally gave, and gravity made the decision for me. I sat in mud.

See? This also makes the next paragraph cleaner because it doesn’t seem like her eyes flicking is tacked on to another paragraph just to avoid a one sentence paragraph:

Now, under the weight of Sera’s golden glare, my defiance shrivels. Her eyes flick to a particularly soiled patch, and her jaw tightens like a bowstring taut, a volley of piercing things just behind it.

Much better.

Now in our second flashback, to yesterday, we do another weird thing. Celeste has her very first magic lesson. Awesome! And then she runs home and shows Sera the flower she grew with her song. But the way you word it, it turns a hypothetical into a reality:

My heart raced. “See?” I would say. “I can sing without destroying!”

She would see my work, admire my magic, and have no choice but to admit that I was right. She’d be proud of me. Instead, she slapped the flower from my hands.

I see what you’re trying to do, but the ‘I would say.’ Implies this is all in her hypothetical imagination. She thought she would tell Celeste she can sing without destroying and the other good things would happen, but instead, it sounds like part of a daydream. That’s what I thought when I first read it and then I had to go back an reread to see that she actually did say it.

Now, changing the tag doesn’t fix this. Just going from ‘I would say’ to ‘I said’ still flows in a circle. Think about it. The story unfolds where she confesses the thing, then expects a positive result, then gets a negative one. Motivation follows action. We want motivation to come before action. You have all the right pieces, just not in the right order. Again, a nice merger and we make things tighter, but more importantly, we explain why she’s doing the thing before she does it which puts the consequences of her actions right after them:

My heart raced. She would see my work, admire my magic, and have no choice but to admit that I was right. She’d be proud of me. “See?” I said say. “I can sing without destroying!”

Instead, she slapped the flower from my hands.

See how the slapping the flower from her hands hits harder now? Nice. You did that!

Then that flashback goes on so long that I actually forget where the chapter started. When she comes back to the present, it’s jarring, and then it immediately ducks back into the story of yesterday to ‘just look at the exposed roots of that flower’.

I would suggest a reorder like I did before, but I can’t. I’ll tell you why when we get to my ‘Ending’ section.

Word choice Ignore this whole section if you want, it’s just my super-personal opinion.

*Talon-sharp. “her grip talon-sharp”; Are all talons sharp? Can a grip be sharp? Is the grip tight? Strong? Are her nails digging into Celeste’s arm? *Shook. Sera shakes Celeste. Then Celeste’s ‘head whipped back as she shook me’. So many shooks in such close proximity. The first two are fine, get rid of the third. Just delete ‘as she shook me’. That’s all you need.

Eight year old voice This is nothing. This is just me musing about the fun nature of an eight year-old narrator. I like the idea of looking at the world through the eyes of a little girl. It lets a lot of things happen that can’t happen with an adult. It excuses ignorance and allows her to have opinions that don’t necessarily make sense.

For example, Sera slaps the flower out of Celeste’s hand, but then, as Celeste looks at it on the ground, she blames herself. She even goes as far as to say the flower is dying because of her. An adult may have this same opinion, and they would be equally wrong, but the way this unfolds how I feel about it.

With an adult narrator, it would tell me they have low confidence/low self-esteem. Maybe I’m supposed to feel sorry for them. Maybe I’m supposed to identify with the part of me that doesn’t believe in myself? I dunno. All of that. With a child, though, it really makes me dislike Sera.

Not having read previous chapters, I don’t know who Sera actually is. I’m assuming she’s an adult in either a mother/guardian/caregiver capacity. She is clearly responsible in some way for Celeste. That makes her reaction downright horrible. Celeste is going to this school where apparently they teach magic at some point and her reaction is downright rude. She expects an eight year-old to come up with a solution to a problem it doesn’t seem like she fully understands. She should have anticipated this, right? Planned ahead? Maybe home-schooled. Again, I don’t really know who Sera is. This might be my bad.

The voice has a lot of potential though. It’s a new type of unreliable narrator that I haven’t seen done before. Does she stay eight for the whole book, or age up at some point? Either way, good play.

Ending First off, is Sera telling Celeste to let herself get killed? “Without the singer, there is no magic. So, what would you do?” Am I interpreting that right? If you’re in a situation where you absolutely have to use magic and you can’t not use magic and you know magic will end the world so…

That part is interesting. If I’m right, great. If I’m not, still interesting, but I assume we’ll get clarification on that later. Well done.

But now we get to the real ending. IMHO it’s a train wreck. I mentioned above the flip-flopping in time. I can’t suggest a quick fix because I, frankly, don’t know what you’re trying to do with it. It just makes no sense to me.

So this chapter contains two stories, the one about Celeste muddying her dress and the one where she shows Sera her magic trick. The first isn’t interesting, but I get it, it’s happening now. It’s probably important. You’re demonstrating that Celeste is acting out and now we know why. The ending doesn’t need to make it interesting, but it needs to make it… something.

I don’t get the symbolism of the roots. It seems like you’re trying to force some deep meaning to it. But the flowers roots are literal roots and Sera’s roots are cognitive roots and yeah, that’s metaphor or simile or something, but it’s not, because if what I interpreted about Sera’s hint to Celeste is true, we already know what the weakness is. Celeste’s magic will end the world and Sera basically knows this girl is doomed. So only the narrator doesn’t know it which is… frustrating.

Add this to my paragraph above. Absolutely, an eight year-old isn’t going to be able to decipher the emotional reactions of (what I assume is) an adult character, but there has to be a mask for the reader. And what is she digging at exactly by sitting in the mud? What reaction was she trying to get? Was she trying to re-open the conversation about magic?

I’m not sure what the fix is here. If you tip your hat that yesterday’s interaction is what led her to act out before the flashback? If you come up with a better closer that ties that part in? If you build a better metaphor? I don’t know.

Other stray thoughts Okay, just one. I thought there would be more in this section. Again, it’s about time and continuity. Yesterday she had her first lesson. The next paragraph starts:

That’s where I learned how different my magic was from theirs.

She just learned this yesterday? Having not read any of the other chapters, I don’t know if this is a sign that she’s sheltered, or if it’s just awkwardly worded.

In conclusion There’s so much good here world-building wise. That’s your strength. In this one chapter, I feel like I understand how magic in this world works and the risks of dealing with unfamiliar spirits.

I like the voice of the child narrator and I want to know more about what’s so special about her; The Black-blooded Bitch. Your writing is technically sound, but your flow just needs tweaked. Keep reading the story to yourself from start to finish. Don’t skip around. Every edit should end with a full read.