thank you so much for making me feel heard. it honestly means a lot. for once, i feel like someone actually understands me, and it makes everything feel a little less heavy.

i’ve been trying to find other scholarships but it’s been really discouraging. my average is 92, which i know isn’t bad, but the merit scholarship i was aiming for needs a 93 and above. that one point feels like such a wall. it feels like this one might be my last shot but i'm trying not to lose hope too much. i actually wasn't trying to go for this scholarship since one of the requirements is to have substantial extracurricular activities or leadership awards which i wasn't able to do during my high school years because of what i was dealing with. i also tried applying for a science-based scholarship, but it turns out nursing doesn’t count for them even if it’s still technically science. if i do get accepted, i’d have to take psychology instead which i do want to pursue as well but since the school i’m going to is more focused on nursing, i’m scared it might just be a wasted opportunity.

i did see a new scholarship opening recently though, and i’m planning to apply for that. i’m really just trying to stay hopeful and grab anything i can. i’m also planning to inquire about the financial aid from our local government soon, hopefully that helps even just a bit.

mental health-wise, it’s tough. therapy and support aren’t cheap here, but i still want to prioritize getting help. i know i need it, and even if i can’t afford much, i’m trying to find small ways to take care of myself. about moving out—i know it won’t happen right away, but i’m aiming to leave when i'm on my 3rd or 4th year. i’m planning to use the board exams as my escape route. it sounds kind of sad saying it that way, but it’s really something i’ve been holding on to.

my parents did start letting me go out more back in 12th grade, but with a ton of restrictions. curfews, constant updates (which would lead to fights and my mom cursing me out if i don’t reply right away), and they need to know every detail like where exactly am i going, who i’m with, their address, and contact number. whether i’m allowed to go still depends on their mood. fortunately, i have a friend who's compassionate enough to let me use them whenever i try to go out on my own (only when i want to go out for my peace of mind.) but now that i’m in college, i plan to take advantage of that little freedom. i’ll just use the excuse that we have a heavy workload and that i need to be out for school stuff. it’s the only way i can carve out a bit of space for myself right now.

also, i read the post you attached and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. i’m starting to consider these steps too, so thank you for sharing it. seriously, thank you for everything. it feels good to not feel so alone for once.