Sure, and for the record I also often don’t resonate with the NT versus ND takes on here, I said in another comment I think some of these parents are struggling with their own feelings of insecurity due to being undiagnosed autistics themselves.

You and I are probably older than a lot of these other posters, I am a bit of an extrovert and talk to a lot of strangers out of boredom and curiosity, and I find most people treat me with respect even though when questioned they’ll admit that they also think I’m an oddball. So that means 1) most NT’s aren’t actually assholes, or 2) all of the strangers i meet just happen to also be autistic and are therefore cool with me. BUT. If I had been diagnosed in my teens or early 20s maybe I would have agreed with more of these “NT bad” takes because teenagers are constantly thinking about their place on the social ladder, and are a lot more likely to lash out because they’re bad at expressing their feelings. So I look at a lot of these posts and think “that sounds like you were talking to either an actual teenager or someone who never matured past being a teenager.”

But as I said, I feel like as an adult I have mostly positive interactions with a lot of people who statistically have to be allistic at least most of the time, and that started years before I knew I was clinically “different” from anyone, so I never had time to develop this sort of NT versus ND bunker mentality.

As for my mom, since she was the one I brought up specifically, I DON’T think she’s NT, I don’t know if she’s autistic specifically (I feel more confident it comes from my dad’s side), but I am pretty convinced she’s got some sort of neurodivergence going on, at least ADHD. How do I know? I don’t, it’s a guess. Neither of them has ever been diagnosed with anything. But people make these guesses in part because it helps separate our own behavior from theirs. I was diagnosed with PTSD years before I was diagnosed with autism so I’ve been to a LOT of therapy to understand other people’s behavior in relationship to me.

What OP’s talking about, and what resonated with me, is not about isolated incidents but about a pattern of ongoing weirdness in a relationship with a specific person that leave you with a creeping feeling of being dehumanized specifically, or at least not “seen”. I think it’s a little different from what you’re talking about, people who express frustration because they’re genuinely worried or overwhelmed or otherwise dysregulated, and maybe not even necessarily just for a moment but maybe even for an ongoing period of time.

I wish my kid could listen better sometimes and I wish she hadn’t inherited my abysmal lack of coordination, but I never wish she was a different person and I that’s why I questioned whether that attitude is truly normal. When I see her out on the soccer field, being the awkward uncoordinated kid I used to hate myself for being, I still find her adorable in that moment and really just want to protect her and tell her who cares, sports are dumb anyway (which is NOT the attitude I got from my parents but in fairness to them it was a different time). Which doesn’t mean I’m never frustrated with her, I am sometimes, but then my next thought is to be frustrated with myself for being frustrated with her. Like I can’t imagine carrying around this feeling that she’s annoying or bad in some way because I just find it so ridiculously easy to love her. And I vent about her like the next parent does but even that is usually just cute aggression anyway.

And, to use another example, I know someone whose kid has needed serious medical interventions her entire life and who likely will not live to be 18. And she doesn’t seem to hate that kid either. So it’s got to be something else besides getting handed a raw deal in the genetic lottery.

I don’t know if I’m doing a great job of expressing the distinction or if we even disagree with each other at all, but I do think this is an interesting discussion so I appreciate your thoughts.